Chapter 23

Makin’ up and makin’ out. 🙂‍↔️

I was sitting at the piano up on the stage of the church, hunched over with my hands tucked in my lap. Today, Mom had to get our grandfather, Pawpaw, to come down from the town over, -where he and Grandma had moved when they got older, more people, more community and freedom – and preach since Dad obviously…was not exactly available at the moment. The gathering was a smooth affair seeing as Pawpaw used to be a Preacher before Dad, he knew just fine what he was doing. I know Dad isn’t the most ideal man of them all, but yet the church felt empty without him today — without his booming voice and his presence that had people feeling the spirit, constantly encouraging anyone and everyone to include themselves, it felt oddly blank. I found myself missing him when, on an ideal day, just a few weeks ago, I wished someone else would stand up here so I didn’t have to listen to my father because I listened to him every day of the week.

A hand on my shoulder jolted me from my thoughts, gasping as I whipped around. Ellie stood behind me and I let out a weary sigh, pulling my lips into a taut line as I looked up into her hazel eyes. They were soft, almost…sad. Neither of us spoke for a long moment, just stared at each other. Things between Ellie and I had been tense ever since last week when I walked away from her and I never picked up her calls, even after I got home from babysitting the Moore’s kids, which had been a hectic event, more so than I had prepared for – I was aware they were crazy, but man.

I knew Ellie was aware I was home that night, how could she not be? She lived across the street, it was no struggle at all for her to see me moving around inside my room through the window. The phone rang six times that night – six – all from Ellie, all for me. She left voicemails each time, asking for me to call her back. Each time, I didn’t call back, and I never answered. I was distancing myself from her like she was the plague when in all reality I was the plague.

“Ellie.” I finally said.

“Eve.” She hummed. We stared at one another for a long moment, my body feeling a physical pull towards her, her hand warm and heavy on my shoulder one second, then the other it felt like a weight, holding me down and searing my skin because I kept telling myself this was wrong. She couldn’t touch me. She would get sick. Sick like me.

“I…I’ve been busy…” I murmured. It was an utter lie. I had been completely bored without Ellie around. I had not been out of the house in far too long, cooping myself inside the house and my bedroom as if that would help me get news back on Dad, or as if that was going to mend this awkward gray area between Ellie and I at the moment.

“Yeah…” she said softly. She wasn’t buying the excuse for a second, but she would lie for my sake to make me feel a little bit better about myself. “Any…uh, any news?” She asked.

“On Dad?” I asked quietly, staring down at the keys of the piano.

“Mhm,” she hummed. This was so painfully awkward. I wanted us to go back to normal but this was all my fault. I was the one who made it weird. I was the one who pushed her away. But I couldn’t – it was like Ellie said, that one day, down in her basement, I wish we could be us, and we couldn’t be us.

“No…a whole lot of nothin’ so far…still in…a coma, still asleep, still not here, still-,” I hiccuped, tears welling up in my eyes. I felt Ellie’s hand tense on my shoulder as I kept my head down, sobbing gently. “My life…” I murmured. Of course, she had no idea what I meant, but I wished she could read my mind.

“Eve…Evie,” Ellie whispered as I sobbed gently, my shoulders shaking. She slowly eased herself down next to me on the bench, wrapping an arm around my waist as I cried harder, the black abyss opening up in my stomach, trying to push her away itself.

“No,” I gasped, covering my face with pale, quivering hands. “No, I’m sorry-,” I weeped.

“Eve…Eve, stop, no- no, Eve, it’s okay,” Ellie insisted, tugging me closer, making it all worse. She couldn’t get close again.

“Ellie, no-,” I insisted, abruptly standing from the piano bench, my hands slamming on a few of the keys and letting out an awful note. I headed down the steps of the platform, snivelling as I headed for the doors.

“Eve!” Ellie called after me, her feet padding down the steps. I walked outside, everyone still gathered around after church in the parking lot, families clambering back into their cars, doors slamming, chatter between familiar faces. I froze up, my chest uncomfortably tight as a few people glanced over and kids stared obliviously. I stood there – like an idiot – staring back as Ellie caught up to me, grabbing me by my shoulders and hauling me back inside to keep me from making an even bigger fool of myself. She pulled the double doors shut with a gentle slam, turning to me as I broke down.

“What is going on with you?” She demanded. “Evelyn, please!” She begged.

“You don’t get it!” I insisted, my hands flying to my hair and gripping at my roots in frustration.

“Then explain,” She insisted.

“I don’t- I don’t know- I don’t know!” I shrieked.

“Just tell me! Spit words out, I’ll put them together, I always do,” she said desperately.

“I like you too much,” I hiccuped as I wiped one hand along my tear soaked cheek.

“Like me…too much…? Eve, what?” She scoffed.

“I like you too much!” I sobbed.

“More. Speak more. I don’t understand,” Ellie said sadly.

“More than a friend!” I sputtered.

“Okay? Me too, Evelyn, I thought we, like, had a mutual understanding of this, no?” She said breathlessly, gesturing wildly with her hands. “Eve, I like you. I love you.” She said firmly.

“Exactly!” I sobbed.

“What…?” She asked quietly in confusion.

“You- you- you love me, Ellie. And you can’t! I can’t love you!” I sobbed.

“Why.” She demanded.

“You know I can’t!” I shouted.

“Says who!” She groaned.

“G-God?” I answered unsurely.

“When!?” Ellie scoffed in disbelief, throwing her hands up exasperatedly. “Did- did he ascend from the heavens, come tell you personally that I-I’m a sinner and we can’t touch and you can’t even talk to me?” She yelled. There was a long pause, just my crying and her ragged breaths.
“Evelyn, I love you, so much, so much more than a friend, but above anything, you’re my best friend and you have always been. Nothing is going to change that.” She assured me.

“But- but I just-,” I babbled aimlessly.

“Tell me,” she said suddenly, hurrying down to one of the pews. She grabbed one of the Bibles from the nooks in a flash, heading back to me, flipping through the pages frantically. “Where? Where’s it say-? Say I can’t love you, you can’t love me?” She commanded.

     I stumbled over my words, my breaths shallow as she shoved the Bible at me. I thought of passages, verses, quotes, etc, and yet nothing but tears came in response. She snapped the Holy book closed, looking into my eyes deeply as I looked up at her pathetically. I was sure I looked like a wreck and yet she looked at me with such adoration it made my heart ache.

“I love you,” Ellie urged, abruptly pulling me in and capturing my lips with hers. I inhaled sharply through my nose, my hands frozen at my sides for a quick moment before I hesitantly kissed back, allowing my hands to rest on her waist. She slowly pulled back, her hazel eyes scanning my face, forest green with a hint of brown, like dying grass. “I love you…and you say whatever makes you feel best…but you love me, too.” She concluded, pulling away and heading for the church doors as I stood there in awe, not realizing I was holding the Bible she had pressed between the both of us, clutching it to my chest.

“I love you, too…” I whispered as I watched her go. I loved her too.

She pulled open the door and with one last glance over her shoulder, she pulled them shut, leaving me to the silence of the church. I stared down at the floor, slowly clutching the Bible closer to my chest, running my hand over the smooth material. I heard some shuffling and I glanced behind me just in time to see the side door of the church open with its stained glass window and then slam shut, only allowing me to see a glimpse of auburn hair. Kaylee.

“Oh, God.” I murmured breathlessly.

My sister might’ve just seen everything.

Everything I had just tried so hard to hide and bury in myself.