Chapter 13

ELIZABETH

ELIZABETH

I seethed with rage, feeling out of control. What if Raven was winning?. Raven was forced to come into my world to change yet when she arrived, she invaded all, changing my world. Not for the best, she was ruining me. Forcing me to confront the darkest parts I fought so hard to bury within.

To make matters worse, I realized I was wrong when I told myself I had her under control. Raven was not miraculously transforming.

“Where is Raven?. We can’t be late for mass” I asked, my voice  low and even. I was talking to Allita who just came back after i sent her to get Raven so we could head to church.

“I went to check on Raven but Claire told me she already left since she is singing in choir today” Allita informed, her eyes casted downwards.

“Oh…”

I took a breath in and nodded. We made way out of the Convent going straight to the Cathedral. I was fighting with myself  over Raven’s participation in everything. The Bible studies, the prayers, the choir, everything.

Was she pretending to make believe so she could manipulate me or was she genuinely seeking spiritual growth?.

Our arguments always seemed to review her worst side, the ugly true colors. The dark eyes, her shaep edged words and her desire to change me and derive me from my religious path. It felt like she wanted something from me. I knew what she wanted. Hell it was there from the beginning. Unspoken.

Unwanted or maybe I was starting to want the same thing.

Those thoughts were not something I was willing to entertain.

When we arrived at the Cathedral, Claire was standing close to the choir stands fixing Raven’s outfit which happened to be a long blue collar and white silk dress that reached her knees. I knew the clothing was from the old novice dresses. Her shining hair was pulled down bringing out a different view to her dark grey eyes.

Claire brushed her hand against Raven’s cheek and I watched Raven smile widely, her teeth shining. I turned away from the view, my chest tightening. I swallowed the horrible feeling down and took a seat among other nuns. Allita went to sit with the rest of the novices.

Tension was higher than before between Raven and I, granted the rest of our conversation ended quite badly with Raven being kicked out of my office. All the hourly prayers forgotten.

To go through the mass, I was going to focus on everything but Raven.

Even if it was her first time singing in mass. When my heart was so proud to hear her voice over sour filling the Cathedral, I had to ignore it all. My head was all about Raven now to an extent it scared me.

She put herself there, in my head.

The bell rang and it was the signal for the first song that begins the whole mass. I concentrated throughout the mass, past thanksgiving and right through reading, preaching and I was proud that I did not look Raven’s way even once. Then when it was time for Sacramental Manduction. The priest took Communion then the rest of us followed.

I put my hands forward and the priest gave me the eucharist, I placed it in my mouth then he moved the scyphus towards my lips then tilted the cup. I took a sip and my mind time traveled straight to Raven and her stolen wine the previous night.

Get out of my head Raven.

I turned and made the mistake to look at the girl who was already staring at me as if she knew I thought of her. I stared back, our conversation playing in my head.

You are just like me Elizabeth.

What I really wanted was to know if she had changed. All my thoughts surrounded themselves in the little obsession I had over who Raven was. My desire to change her grew for all the selfish reasons I would never admit.

I felt a tap on my shoulder to notice I had been standing in front still glaring at Raven. People had changed their direction to the right because of me. I turned around to see Raven no longer staring my way. I followed her gaze to find it on Claire.

Her lips turned up again. For Claire.

That tightening feeling came back twice as painful. I walked down with my head down and back to where I was sitting. I knelt down to pray and held my hands together.

I couldn’t form words. I had so much to tell God. To ask for, to be forgiven for.

I wanted to pray, I really did but I had this empty void feeling I could not understand or explain. My mind stayed silent as I tried to pray. I wanted to say something, anything to God but nothing was there.

I gave up.

I did the cross sign and sat back on the polished wooden bench. My eyes moved themselves to where Raven was sitting. She looked holy in every way. The clothes, her face and the way she was carrying herself.

The choir started a new song and I found her singing along holding a hymn book.

The singing was too loud, I wanted one person to sing. I needed Raven to sing looking right at me with dark eyes, with that sinful look she always carried. I wanted everyone to not be there but they were there which drove me mad. Before I knew it The Priest was passing by my seat already going through the Exit. People were singing and everyone was standing except me.

I stood up right after the priest and hurried to leave..

What was happening to me?.

The walk to my room was a blur. I felt everything in every part of my body but I couldn’t define even one emotion going through me. I thought I was losing my mind. I slammed the door shut and knelt down in my prayer place. I tried hard, I tried to pray but my mind was silent.

I didn’t know how long I stayed in one place with my hands joined together. I was just…there. I heard laughing, well giggling.

“Don’t remove the dress yet, you look really pretty in it” I heard Claire’s voice say and I immediately got up to my feet.

“I look hideous. Ugh I smell like incense” Raven’s voice said.

I found myself smiling just thinking about the face she made when I was burning incense in my office.

“It’s not so bad. I love incense. It makes me feel safe you know” Claire sounded close now and their feet stopped then the door next to mine opened.

“Well you have me so you don’t need all…”

The door closed and I could nolonger hear a single thing. Due to the Convent being very old, the walls were made of thick concrete that made it impossible to hear what was on the other side unless the door was open. They made it that way so when nuns pray, nobody could listen in. For the first time I hated it all.

I got out of my room and made way down the corridor. Anger brewing in my stomach. I had no idea what was happening to me but I felt it build up the more I tried to calm down.

I saw Allita standing in the prayer room with Aurora. They were arguing. I got closer to hear what it was about. It was yet another problem Raven’s arrival created. The fights.

“You want me to stand by while Claire gets Attached to that!!!… that thing?. Who knows what she is doing to Claire behind doors?”

“Raven has changed so there is nothing going on between Claire and her”

“Claire is naive and good. She can easily be taken advantage of. Yesterday Raven was missing for hours locked in Claire’s room. I fell asleep before she even left and that was after 9 at night!”

“Keep your voice down!. Look, whether you believe Raven has changed or not, you want her out of here right?” Allita stepped closer to a fuming Aurora.

“Y..yes?”

“Then keep this quiet. Everyone us convinced Raven is no longer the possessed homosexual. Which means she can go home and everything will be normal again. She has Mother Superior convinced and we don’t need your doubts ruining that”

“You are on her side now..”

I felt stupid. I felt betrayed.

Everything Raven was doing was to fool me into letting her leave. She was still corrupted, still unnatural. Everything  she did was to deceive me. To mislead me. Raven was just a bad person.

I turned to go back but I saw the Charasmatic Nuns walking my way. I breathed out and collected myself.
Sister Louise was in front with the other nuns following behind. She stopped in front of me.

“Hamartia” She addressed with my birth name staring at me.

“It’s Sister Elizabeth now Louise” I bit down all of Raven’s cuss words that I wanted to say to her.

“I tend to forget, forgive me. Mother Superior, Sister Mildred informed me that you have a girl you failed so I have to clean up after your mess” Sister Louise moved closer to my ear and whispered “Again”

“Yes, her name Is Raven. Homosexual.”

“It’s not like you to accept defeat with such matters Martia.” Sister Louise taunted insisting on using my birth name despite my warning.

“I think the only way to succeed is your way. Leave her with no choice but to be good” I balled my hands into fists.

“It’s such a shame you got yourself removed from the Dominican Sisters. You were good for it”

“Don’t take it easy on her. She is one of the worst” It was the anger talking and I knew, I felt that I should not have said that but God I was filled with blinding rage.

I felt choked up. My whole body shutting down with every emotion but I stayed calm, maneuvered myself away from them. I made it to my room only to find the person I specifically did not want to see standing in front of the door next to mine.

“Raven”

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