Chapter 14

Raven

“Elizabeth.” I acknowledged the older woman leaving a taste that was bitter in my mouth.

I had no intention to hold a conversation with Elizabeth so I turned to enter my own room but my gaze lingered on her refusing to just let it be. Something was off. Her eyes were dilated and the veins on her forehead bulged like they were about to burst.

Her eyes blazed with hatred but that didn’t surprise me after our explosive conversation the night before. I felt a sour illness in my stomach, a hint of my resentment. Last night I had pushed Elizabeth harder and she pushed back. Her realization that I was changing her and my realization of why I had gone out of my way to install those thoughts and feelings in Elizabeth haunted me.

All night after she kicked me out of her office, I stayed up my mind fighting with me. If Elizabeth was just like me, the true colors within her was also the true colors within me. I couldn’t accept that but it seemed I had broken Elizabeth for the worst.

As someone who never had to fight the ugly parts or knew she had it in her, Elizabeth was dangerous to be around for now. I would wait a week before we talked and I apologize for messing with her head.

“Come in my room, we need to talk” Elizabeth hissed, her voice trembling with effort as she struggled to keep her tone in check.

I crossed my arms, my feet rooted to the spot.

“We can talk right here.”

Elizabeth’s eyes flashed with anger and for a moment, I saw a glimmer of the person she usually kept hidden.

“Raven, be serious for once and come inside!” she snapped, her composure cracking. She flung open her door and stepped inside, leaving it ajar.

The outburst was only proving my previous thoughts to be right. Interacting with an angry unstable nun was not good for me. Elizabeth was always the epitome of calm and collected, her emotions expertly masked. Seeing her lose control even for a moment, was unsettling.

I stood frozen, my body, heart, and soul refusing to let me walk away. But I should have. For the rest of my life, I would wish I had chosen to walk away. With a sigh, I followed her orders and closed the door behind me.

Her room was a surprise to say the least. It was bigger and more organized than I had expected. Stacks of books lined one corner, a prayer area occupied another and a bed dominated the center of the room. What caught my attention was the lack of religious icons. No pictures of Jesus or Mary adorned the walls. Instead, a single candle burned on her prayer table, casting flickering shadows on the walls. She blew it out, plunging the room into a dim, eerie light old broken electric light.

Elizabeth sat on her bed, her movements deliberate and controlled. She removed her coif, revealing a cascade of white hair that fell down her shoulders like a river of snow. Without the habit, she looked different, her features more defined, her blue eyes sharper. I had been aware of Elizabeth’s beauty.

She was worth my own worship.

“What do you want to talk about?” I asked, staying rooted to the spot near the door. I had no intention of getting closer, not when another fight seemed to be brewing. The tension was too thick that I knew if we had one more conversation like last night, something bad would follow.

Lately, all I could think about was lashing out at her, about hitting her with a cross and watching her crumble to the floor, to her death.

“I want to talk about your improvements. Your behavior lately, your actions… they are all great improvements. But does it mean you have ve changed or that you are changing?”

She seemed to be barely holding herself back from lashing out herself, her jaw ticking with suppressed rage. Her eyes narrowed, scrutinizing every little move I made. Looking for any signs that could give her answers before I did.

“Yeah?” I was unsure of how to respond.

“You don’t like women anymore?” Elizabeth stood up, her movements fluid.

“No” I lied, trying to sound convincing.

“No, you still do, or no, you don’t?” she pressed, her eyes boring into mine.

I looked past her, focusing on the window behind her, trying to avoid her intense gaze.

“I no longer desire women. Yeah, I… umm… that was all a wrong path.” I stuttered, cringe spreading goosebumps on my skin.

Elizabeth turned to the side, then back towards me, her movements jerky and unpredictable.

“You like prayers and Bible studies now? You like the choir, the church? You like prayer meetings, you like helping out now?”

“Yeah, everything,” I lied again, trying to keep up the charade.

But Elizabeth’s eyes saw through me only this once. She looked… like a junkie going through withdrawals. Her eyes had an animalistic glint, a desperate hunger that made my skin crawl. She knew I was faking. My whole plan to manipulate her into believing I had changed fell apart the moment I lost my composure and fought with Elizabeth the previous night.

I stepped back, my eyes locked on Elizabeth’s, as I sensed another argument brewing. Her face twisted in anger and I could see the tension coiled in her body, like a spring ready to snap. I had heard stories of homophobic people who became violent in their hatred and I wondered if Elizabeth was capable of such intensity.

“Claire suggested I go with her to confession. She will wait outside while I speak with your priest.” I tried to deflect the tension or maybe run away.

Elizabeth’s voice cut through mine, harsh.

“You will go another day.”

I felt a spark of frustration but I pushed it down.

“I thought you would encourage me. This is another step towards forgiveness and…”

“I’m the one helping you with this. I know when you are ready for confession and I don’t think you are quite there yet. Claire doesn’t know anything.” She interrupted harshly, eager to put the idea down.

Elizabeth’s words stung. I felt my temper rising, but I tried to keep my tone even. I was doing everything to avoid any heated arguments.

“What’s wrong, Elizabeth? You’ve been pushing me to change, and now that I’m so close…”

“YOU ARE NOT CLOSE!” Elizabeth’s voice bounced off the walls, making me flinch.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm down as I chose my next words carefully’

“I am close. I have been working hard to…”

“You’re pretending to have changed so I’ll believe you,” Elizabeth spat, her face inches from mine. “That’s your ticket to going back into the world where you can be with other women.”

It was what she had been trying so hard to hold back from saying. I could tell.

“I don’t know where you are getting that idea.”

Elizabeth’s eyes narrowed

“You don’t have to lie to me anymore Raven. I know you are using prayer and pretending to be good just to manipulate me.”

My face heat up with anger. She had hit a nerve.

“I am good. I am a good person.” I growled my nails sinking into my palm.

Elizabeth’s laughter was like a slap in the face. She looked crazy the way she was coming after me. We had fought before but never like this. Elizabeth wanted to hurt me this time around.

“You are a homosexual Raven. You are a sinner. You are not a good person.”

I felt my temper rising, and I knew I had to be careful not to let it boil over. The silence that overtook us had a sound.

“If I’m a sinner, what does that make you?” I asked, forgetting all about avoiding an argument. If she wanted to attack who i was to make herself better then why not bite back.

Elizabeth’s face twisted in anger, she took a step closer to me.

“I’m not like you.”

My lips twisted up, my chest brewing with pride as we faced each other, breathing in each other’s space. I took the last step that was holding us apart and stood right in her face my eyes deliberately held her dark blue once and on purpose I dragged them down to her lips then back up to her eyes again. I smirked watching her face muscles tense.

“Then push me off” I attacked her lips with my own, my hands flying up to hold under her chin as I roughly kissed her soft lips. Pulling her in but she didn’t kiss me back. No,I felt her arms move and before I knew it her hands closed around my neck slamming me against the door as they tightened squeezing in my airway. I struggled against her, trying to break free, but she held tight.

For a moment, I thought I was going to pass out. My eyes blurred as I tried to move my own hands to hit her. I struggled with my legs, my body beginning to weaken. I looked at her through my blurry vision, her expression displayed that of cruelty. Someone who wanted to kill and maybe she wanted me dead.

But then her face moved closer to my pale one and Elizabeth’s lips locked with my numb ones. Slowly her grip around my neck loosened leaving her hands behind pulling me in the kiss. I kissed her back as soon as I gained the little bit of my consciousness back.

She held me close and my hands went around her clothed waist as the kiss grew heated. I fisted the material under my skin pulling as she moaned in my mouth, whimpering ever so often.

I had never felt such a hum under my skin, a buzzing that weaked my whole body. I wanted more, I wanted to do all the sinful things Elizabeth never experienced. I wanted to finally taint her with all my unholy ways.

Elizabeth ground her hips on my thigh and I knew she wanted the same thing just as much as I did.

My lips nibbled her own slower before I pulled back dragging her bottom lip between my teeth. Her dilated eyes stirred with lust as she breathed out dropping her face on the side of my cheek.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me” She trembled, her breath fanning my neck.

I pulled away from her, making sure to keep her eyes on me as I lifted the white church dress from my feet and pulled it all the way over my head until it was off then I dropped it on my side. I cupped her face bringing our lips in a short intimate kiss before pulling away and staring deep in her eyes while I held her lust drunk face,

“There is nothing wrong with US”

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