Chapter 12

Elizabeth

My mind was scrambled by many thoughts. Days were passing by way too quickly and we were 3 days before I handed Raven over to the Dominican charismatic nuns. After that. She was out of my hands.

At least I hoped they would not involve me afterwards. Besides my curiosity and fascination over Raven, I realized I also cared for the unnatural girl. There was something behind those eyes that matched a certain unwanted darkness in me.

I couldn’t explain it. Everyone got a dark side and a good side in them. It’s important to mantain the good side in ourselves so it overpowers the dark and I worked my whole like maintaining the light inside me. But something about Raven made that other side in me feel accepted. That if I let her close, she could drag it out. I could feel myself changing everytime I talked to her.

Anyone who could take a look at Raven could see that something deep inside her was broken, something was wrong. But she did all she could to hold it back or maybe she didn’t even know that side of her was there.

I hoped nothing would happen to change that.

Deep in the books, I heard someone call for me outside my office door just as it was pushed open. What was Raven doing in my office after 10pm?.

“Raven?” I immediately grabbed my coif and placed it over my uncovered hair.

“Your hair is white?. Nuns are allowed to tint their hair?” Raven stepped in and closed the door behind her.

“I don’t tint my hair” I glared at the girl who chose to budge in my office.

“So why is your hair white?. Are you like 60 but one of those women who don’t age?” Raven asked, taking a seat and placed her legs on top of my desk. Then she placed a half bottle of…wine on the side.

“Where did you get wine?” I tried to grab the bottle but she was too quick to take it away.

“It doesn’t matter” The corners of her lips turned up into a naughty smile.

“Raven where did you get that wine, I will not repeat that question again?” my voice thickened as my mind ran up all the ways she could have used to get wine.

Her eyebrows arched upwards as she met my strong glare with eyes that flashed in defiance. I could tell my strictness amused her.

“You didn’t answer my question” She shrugged off my own question.

“What question?” I asked feeling my own pupils dilate. I couldn’t help but be frustrated by the girl.

“About your age. How old are you?.”

“Thirty six” I replied with ease.

“All your good years are already behind you. Whats left is menopause and then death” She casually stated while grabbing the bottle and opening it. “So why is all your hair white?” She raised the hand occupied with the open wine bottle gesturing at my now covered white hair.

I stared at the girl, my eyes practically burning as I kept my eyes fixed on her straight face.
This girl and her ill mouth!.

“It’s a condition I got from my mother and her genetics. It’s called Canities. My hair turned white when I was at the age of 17. Do you need something from me? Why are you in my office this hour of the night Raven?”

“Nightmares so i thought I would find you for… prayer but you were not in your room” She explained as if I was supposed to know that.

“And the wine?”

Raven sighed dramatically taking a swig of the red liquid straight from the bottle. I squinted my eyes, taking a closer look and I realized exactly where she got the bottle of wine.

“I am quite resourceful”

“You stole alter wine from the Tabernacle?. How did you even open it?, we keep it locked”

“I didn’t steal it, I borrowed” She casually answered.

“Who let you borrow the wine?”

“Jesus.” She raised the bottle up and mumbled a cheers before taking another swig.

The wine didn’t have much alcohol In it and her eyes were swelling with sorrow. I wanted to ask her what happened, why she was sad but I just let it go.

“You need to go back to your room, I have midnight hourly prayers and some things to read through”

“Well isn’t this brilliant?. You might fall asleep and skip your prayers, I will keep you company while you wait for every hour”

“No”

“I will pray with you for every hour”

What was it with Raven and making deals?”

“N…”

“God can hear you Elizabeth” She cut me off before I could deny again. And she said my name with a French accent. I couldn’t explain the emotions that ran through me but I hoped she would never call me like that again.

“All the hours until 3am?” I gave her a serious glare.

“Yes” She lifted her head up then down.

“Okay”

I watched her pink lips stretch into a toothy smile. She carried an altered illuminating smile that forced my own lips to turn up. She gathered her hair on top and tied it in a messy bun then grabbed the bottle of wine relaxing her body back up. Maybe Raven did not want to be alone tonight?.

“Do you want some?” She asked.

“No”

“Just a sip??. It’s alter wine so it’s holy” She mocked.

“You stole the wine, there is a difference. And we are not allowed to drink”

“You do drink this during mass. I’m not offering you vodka and sex. It’s just stupid Christian wine” She slumped back, staring at me with an annoyed expression.

It was just Alter Wine. Just a sip to stop Raven from troubling me. I stretched my hand out and grabbed the bottle by the base.

Raven smirked and gave all her attention to me. I took a sip, already knowing the taste but I was surprised by how different it was when I drank a sum of it  gathering the tangy liquid in my mouth.

“You have never drank alcohol in your entire life?” Raven stared at my face with her eyes roaming from my eyes and lips.

“No” I admitted then wiped my mouth with my palm. Raven stayed silent for a while seemingly deep in thought.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” She voiced.

I hated Raven’s questions.

It was never something simple to swallow. Everytime, I would be left wondering about my entire existence and my beliefs. Because Raven had a way of making my religious beliefs untrue. She had a way of making who I worship seem wicked and I hated it. Not to mention the intense arguments we had everytime she asked me personal questions.

Because it stayed in my head, questioning me of answers I couldn’t possibly know.

“You said you were born here right?” Raven continued still, despite my lack of response,  her voice dripping with a mixture of curiosity and amusement.

“Yes”

“Have you ever wondered who you would have been if you were raised out in the world?”

“I would still be a nun. It was my calling” I said, trying to sound nonchalant despite the growing unease in my chest.

“Yes, your calling.” She repeated, her voice dripping with skepticism. Then continued,

“But imagine if your mother took you with her.” Raven verbally wondered, as if asking me to amuse her ideas of what ifs.

“I imagine my life would still lead me to a convent though not exactly this one but I would have been a nun regardless”  I replied, trying to maintain a sense of detachment.

“What about your mother?. Did you ever try to connect with her or look for her again?” Raven continued to pry, her voice softening ever so slightly but no signs of planning to end the conversation as I hoped.

“No. My mother made her own choices, though dissapointing to a child who was too young and too angry to be left behind, I grew up to accept her choice and be grateful to be here” I strainly replied, a bit of force in my tone.

Feeling tense, my mind racing with the thoughts of my mother. Raven’s eyes seemed to bore into my soul, searching for secrets I didn’t want to reveal. I shifted uneasily in my seat.

“So you don’t wonder where you come from?. Your mother’s original family that she sacrificed when she came here?” She pressed on, her voice taking on a slightly accusatory tone. Raven’s gaze lingered on me, as if she could see right through my defenses.

I sensed Raven was searching for something specific but i failed to recognize what it was.

“To be a nun, is to be willing to sacrifice.” I cleared my throat after the last word and fiddled with the pen to occupy myself.

“Sacrifice” She chuckled humorlessly. I stopped what I was doing and sat myself straight. Her lips turned downwards, eye brows up and made a ‘tsk’ sound. She followed my actions, wine aside.

“Of course you are mocking my sacrifices. What could a child like you understand about sacrifice?” I blurted out, evidence that her words were starting to get in my head. Her eyebrow arched up for a second, gauging my reaction.

“I’m just saying, dogs adopted as puppies don’t know much of strays survival” Raven’s lips curved downwards as she shrugged her shoulders up and down.

“What is that supposed to mean. I have made sacrifices” Her words cut deep, and I felt my anger boil over. I placed my hands on the desk, standing up, my heart racing with a disturbing unfamiliar feeling.

This always led to an argument.

“Ohhhh so you know what sacrifice is???. Oh yes, you gotta know what sacrifice is because poor Elizabeth sacrificed to live in a walled up  place with food on her table…her fancy Nancy clothes and her holy little servants dressed up dolls. It must suck to live parading while men admire you and people respect you for nothing” Raven sneered tilting her head to the side with her eyes on me then scoffed.

“You know nothing about the sacrifices I have made for the lord”

“You think your life in the Convent  is hardship?. You are sheltered  from the world and  its cruelties. Now you get to judge those who live outside these walls.” Her voice picked up, the pacing steady, her tone mocking playfulness. Her British accent became more apparent by each word.

“You are naive Raven, you don’t  know the first thing about sacrifice How dare you talk to ME about sacrifice!.” I defended, keeping my voice low. I still had to get out of this conversation with my integrity intact.

“Oh please. Have you ever had to stay in a place where everyone treats you like a demon for being yourself?. And you let them change you, tear who you are apart picking out everything that makes you, you. And force who they are to be who you should be?. Have you ever given up your own identity just to receive a little respect, a little love?”

I could feel Raven’s anger and frustration radiating off her and I knew that I had to be careful not to let things escalate further. But I was stuck, my mind was racing and put of control, words just coming of my mouth straight from mind.

“Don’t you dare compare my hardships with yours!. I am not like you”

“You and I are not as different as you think Elizabeth. We both have our own struggle, our own temptations” Raven stood up and started creeping towards me

“That’s enough! You will not disrespect me in my own office. I’m nothing like you. I’ve dedicated my life to serving the Lord, while you…you are still don’t know who you are. There is a huge difference”

“You feel things, just like I do. You are human, you just don’t get to sin because you are not around temptation.” Raven stood right in front of me, she leaned in, her eyes glinting with a mischievous dark spark.

“Maybe you are just saying that to not feel so ill about yourself Raven.” I whispered, attempting to gain the upper hand.

“No, that’s not what I’m doing. Don’t… don’t try to turn this on me”

“You feel intimidated by my conviction. You don’t like how good I am. You can’t stand the fact that I’m nothing like you because you are the opposite of it all. This whole place threatens you. So you want me to be like you because if not then you are truly alone”

I wanted to stop talking, my head was screaming for me to stop talking but my mouth spat word after word within my control.

“That’s not true” Raven took a step back but my body had a mind of its own, my hand grabbed her arm and forced her to stand still.

“But I’m not like you Raven. Nothing is the same between us”

She blinked, her eyes darkening. And I really thought I had her. I thought I took the stick but her next words froze me in place.

“Yet you are holding me just to see the look on my face when your words break me. It’s exactly the same thing I wanted from you. To see the look in your eyes when you break.”

■ ■ ■

I know, I’m slacking.
I have no excuses to give you all. Let’s all agree I suck.

Please leave a comment in your favorite language and let’s see if I can figure out the meaning.