Chapter 6

I made eye contact with Suzie as she raised a delicate eyebrow. I just grinned at her while my heart hammered. I took her hand to lead her to the living room, setting her up front and center on the couch.

She pulled me down to whisper in my ear. “What are you doing?”

“Surprise,” I whispered back. I kissed her lightly, then went to help Jesse connect the amp and guitar.

As I sat down in front of everyone, I adjusted the wireless microphone nervously. Jesse strode past me, then slapped the back of my head. I grinned at him. It was just what I needed, because I’d been just about to freak out at that moment. He grinned back, and stuck his tongue out at me.

I took a deep breath and strummed the guitar, running through the intro a couple of times to gear up my courage. Jesse was sitting next to me with his bass guitar, sounding out the playful accompaniment.

“Suz. We met under — um — very particular circumstances.”

“I’m so glad we did though, and I wanted to thank you for taking the time to know me, and having the patience to deal with me.” I grinned at her. “This is for you. I hope you like it.” I started the gravelly, vulnerable words of the song:

“This is the first day of my life, swear I was born right in the doorway.“

She smiled brightly at me, and gripped Amy’s hand while I sung.

“Yours is the first face that I saw, think I was blind before I met you. And I don’t know where I am, I don’t know where I’ve been. But I know where I want to go.

“And so I thought I’d let you know. Yeah, these things take forever, I especially am slow. But I realized that I need you, and I wondered if I could come home.“

The guests started to take out their phone flashlights to wave them back and forth, making me grin, and making Suzie laugh through her tears.

“And you said, ‘This is the first day of my life. I’m glad I didn’t die before I met you. But now I don’t care, I could go anywhere with you, and I’d probably be happy.’“

She had a hand over her mouth, trying to rub discreetly at her eyes. I had to focus on the strings under my fingers so my voice wouldn’t break.

“So if you wanna be with me… with these things there’s no telling. We just have to wait and see.“

Jesse and I harmonized like we rehearsed on the last few lines.

“But I’d rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery.” We danced the melody back into the hook while I grinned at her.

“Yours is the first face that I saw. I think I was blind before I met you. And I don’t know where I am. I don’t know where I’ve been. But I know where I want to go.

And so I thought I’d let you know. Yeah, these things take forever, I especially am slow. But I realized that I need you. and I wondered if I could come home.“

I strummed the melody a couple more times; Jesse quieted to make it that much more heartfelt and bittersweet.

I took a deep breath once the final tones died away. Everyone clapped and hollered.

Suzie vaulted off the couch to come and kiss me. I managed to flip the guitar behind me before she slammed into me. Her tears still mingled on her mouth, and she huffed out unevenly through her nose. Our guests were making a ruckus at our kiss. She dug her head on my shoulder, suddenly shy. I caressed her bare arms, then leaned back briefly to hand Jesse my guitar and microphone.

“Yeah. Good job.” He retreated.

I came back to look at Suzie, then fixed her make up a little with my fingers, wiping off her tears.

“Suzie, being with you is better than winning the lottery, and I truly believe we belong together. I want you to know in every way possible that I love you, without even a shadow of a doubt. I — want to be with you as long as possible. So…” I reached into my trouser pocket to take out the dark navy blue velvet box while I extricated myself from her grip to drop on one knee. Her eyes went wide, and her smile dropped off her face.

I took yet another deep breath, then offered the box to her while I heard a few soft gasps from our guests.

“Mor. What are you doing?” She cut me off while she hugged herself.

I frowned at her. “Making spaghetti. Man, let me get through this…”

“I — wait–” She gulped and looked around at everyone nervously. “I thought we were on the same page about this…” she whispered at me urgently.

I frowned at her harder.

“We need to talk.” She touched my hands lightly, then pulled me to my feet.

“Babe? What’s wrong?”

“We need to talk — privately.” She turned to our guests, and spoke up. “I’m sorry, everyone. Just give us a second. We’ll be right back.” She pulled me towards the hallway and to our bedroom. I followed her blindly, with no thoughts in my head — only a faint buzz of panic.

Jesse followed after us as people started to murmur.

“Should I–” he asked after us nervously.

“Just stall, Jess,” she replied. “Give us a few minutes.”

She went to hold my hand, but I wrenched it from her grip, resentful. She looked at me sadly, before going into the bedroom.

I looked at Jesse one last time, then followed after her.

Suzie closed the bedroom door, then came to stand in front of me. I scowled at the wall behind her.

“Mor. I’m sorry. I really did think we were on the same page. I don’t want to get married again, baby.”

“But, you’ve said!” I countered. “You want us to be together forever!”

“And I do. But I don’t want to go through marriage again. I thought…” She trailed off as she gathered her thoughts.

I looked at her, finally, to see her floundering and with the saddest expression on her face; it stabbed at my heart, knowing that it was a direct result of my actions. I sighed deeply, willing myself to calm down. I had enough experience arguing hotly with her to know that I shouldn’t panic, yet, but the night was NOT going the way I thought it would go.

“Mor, I love you so much. I’ve loved everything you’ve done for me always, and tonight was spectacular. But the word ‘marriage’ has — well — turned into a bit of a dirty word for me. I need you to understand that.”

“I thought I could be the one to change that.” I grimaced while I spoke.

“It doesn’t have anything to do with you, though. You’re everything good in my life, and I’ve given you everything possible, and treasured everything you’ve given me back.”

My tears started to flow, and that compelled her towards me. She put a hand on my chest while she gripped my hip with her other hand.

“Mor, I’m so sorry. I just can’t.”

I nodded as I cried, and tried to shake off the feelings that prevented me from speaking. “What does this mean, though?”

“Like everything’s still the same? Or –“

It took a herculean effort to look in her eyes.

“I love you. I will always love you. I’ll fight for you. I told you when we first got together that I was going to stick my flag on you and you weren’t getting away. Over the years, that’s only gotten stronger. You’re a huge part of me, love. We’re lights that will have supernova sex for an eternity — remember?” She shook my shoulders, making me laugh through a broken sob. “We have plenty of time to talk through what you want and what I want. This does not mean I’m not committed to you forever, darling. I am.”

It finally got through my head what she was saying: forever and infinity, yes; the institution of marriage, no.

“What if we don’t have a wedding?” I finally asked her.

“What if — we invent something else? Something not legally binding but still like a — celebration of sorts?”

“So, like a wedding?” She smiled.

“Well, it would be like a looking forward to spending our lives together, yes. Some sort of intertwining of our lives. You’ve said it yourself that you wanna spend forever with me. Even after we die.”

“I meant it from my heart. But what if I die, and you find someone?”

“Never! Also, I could die in a freak accident or something first.”

“Mor, this is not necessary.”

“Fuck necessary. Fuck convention. Fuck other people’s opinions.”

“Sorry.” I took a breath. “But I promise I only want to do this for you and me.”

She sighed heavily. “Why do you want to get married? One reason that is above all others.”

“Because I can’t ever love anyone else like I love you. I’ve tried before, and I failed. If you’re gone, leave me, or die, that wouldn’t change. My thoughts and feelings would just keep pouring out for you even if you weren’t in front of me. I want to tell you that in a tangible way.”

Her eyes softened. She cupped my jaw, and her other hand rubbed at the tears that crawled down my cheeks.

I breathed deeply, and scrambled around in my brain for any other relevant thought relating to loving her forever that had ever floated through my mind.

“I don’t want to own you. I don’t presume to think your feelings about me will never change or that I will always be the person you want. Maybe later on, you won’t like me as much as you’ve done in the past, and that’s your prerogative. I just wanted to tell you how I felt, and not feel deprived of anything in this life that I could potentially fight for. If I could’ve made an effort to grasp at something good, something beautiful, something pure, and I didn’t go for it? I’d have to kick my own ass.”

She gripped my neck, then reached into my hair roughly as she brought her other hand down to pull at the small of my back, crushing me into her. She squeezed me tightly, and I pressed my lips together to keep my emotions in check. My chin rested on her shoulder as I tried to breathe in and out. I managed, but each one was shaky.

I hummed, unable to speak.

“You are intense. But I wouldn’t change you for anything in the world. I admire your capacity to feel, though you are extremely dramatic… but you are mine. You are not getting away. Got it?”

I nodded into her shoulder.

“Okay. My answer’s yes, then. But! Not marriage. Invent your revolutionary new institution of love, and add something about growing old together in rocking chairs.”

“Really?” I pulled away to look at her.

“Yes. If anyone can pull this crazy idea off, it’s you. And I do trust you to respect my feelings. Just — don’t make me wear a wedding dress.”

“Okay, I’ll work on it and run everything by you.” I kissed her. “I’m sorry for making you upset.”

“I wasn’t upset really. You just surprised me.”

“So — you don’t want your ring?” I asked cheekily.

She pursed her lips comically. “Well, it wouldn’t hurt to take a look…”

I grinned, then went to go get the velvet box from the top of the dresser, where I’d abandoned it. I knelt in front of her, then opened it for her. Her hands cradled mine, and she traced the ring as she took it in.

Our familiar room shone with the beautiful lights of our city. It was the heart of us. Whatever the past had been, it had converged to that moment. I wasn’t about to pick apart the odds of falling in love with each other; I was happy to accept the sheer dumb luck of finding her.

“It’s beautiful.” Her fingers touched mine softly as she caressed the box and ring.

“It looks like space, right?” I said happily. When I’d seen blue sandstone for the first time in my research, I’d fallen in love. It tied in perfectly to our promise to find each other in the blackness of space when we died. I’d found a beautifully faceted oval of a stone, then had it surrounded by diamonds and angular decorations of white gold. The chaos of the swirls of metal was spattered with a few diamonds here and there as well. The main stone was cheap, but who the hell cared? It was whimsical and shiny; hopefully she liked it, too.

“Yes. It’s so pretty.”

She took it out to slip it on her finger, then turned it so it caught the light.

“I love it.” She looked at me, then pulled me up by my neck to kiss me. “I love that you love me. You know that, right?”