Chapter 7

After a while, the pulsing in my flesh slowed and I flinched as Shaie eased her fingers out of me. She was pulling my dress back down when I glanced up again into the mirror and caught her eyes at last.

It was then that I finally saw the world of hurt behind Shaie’s anger, and it stabbed at my heart, causing me to gasp and whirl around to face her. My hands instinctively reached, but Shaie stepped back before I could touch her, one side of her full lips curling as she softly scoffed at my gesture.

“Shaie…” I started to plead, not really knowing what to say to make things right as she took another step back.

And then she shook her head wordlessly before turning away, and I could only watch as Shaie walked out of the door. Hot tears began to burn the backs of my eyes and I fell against the sink as I pressed my face into my hands.

What have I just done?

It was a while before I was able to gather enough composure to return to the wedding reception.

My eyes scanned for Shaie as soon as I stepped into the room, and I found her sitting at our table listening to whatever Lucy was telling her at that moment. Shaie looked up, as if somehow sensing that I was there now, too, and our gazes met for one long second.

All I wanted to do was to go to her and fix this, but I didn’t know how or where to begin.

My feet moved in her direction anyway, only to stop when Shaie abruptly stood. She said something that caused Lucy to look my way before Shaie turned and headed towards one of the balconies, where she knew I wasn’t likely to follow.

How the fuck could I have let things come to this?

All I had wanted was to hold on to what I had with Shaie, and now it seemed like it was all slipping from my hands. Everything I had been trying to preserve for the past two days was suddenly crumbling and I had no clue how else to keep it together.

Lucy stood up, too, but I was surprised when the beautiful blonde walked towards me instead of following Shaie. She touched my arm when she got to where I was standing, and gently led me away from the crowd into a quiet corner before finally turning to face me.

“Okay, what is going on between you two?” Lucy asked, the frown on her face seeming to be more out of concern than anything else.

I hesitated, uncertain if I should be talking about this with Lucy. She was Shaie’s best friend, after all. But then, it occurred to me: Lucy was Shaie’s best friend. Maybe, if I told her, then she could help Shaie understand where I was coming from.

So I started talking to Lucy. I talked about how Shaie said she was in love with me. I talked about how things had been really great between Shaie and me right up to that point, and how I hadn’t wanted things to change. I told her my concerns about Joan, about how I just wanted to keep Shaie untouched by that messy part of my life.

“Do you love her?” Lucy suddenly interrupted, catching me off guard.

“W-what?” I stammered, and Lucy’s hands went to her hips as she cocked her head to the side.

“Do you love Shaie?” She repeated, emphasizing each word as if the answer to her question would solve everything.

I opened my mouth, but no word came out. What did love have to do with it anyway?

I had loved Joan, too, and it was that same love that Joan had used to manipulate me into staying despite the abuse. How was I supposed to trust any judgment based on how I felt after that?

Logically, I knew that Shaie was nothing like my ex and that my dynamic with her had been very different from what I had with Joan, but there was always that chance, however slim, that things with Shaie might change. I just wasn’t sure that I could handle it if I just ended up making that same mistake again.

“If you love her, then just tell her,” Lucy continued when she got no immediate response from me. “But if you don’t—and I am definitely saying this as Shaie’s friend—then you need to cut her loose. Clean and quick.”

Every fiber of my being balked at the thought of letting Shaie go. I mean, the whole point of this conversation in the first place was so that I could keep what I had with Shaie.

“It’s not as simple as that!” I protested. “My ex—”

“But it is as simple as that!” Lucy exclaimed, the frustration in her voice matching my own and catching us both by surprise. When she next spoke, she was quiet, as if she was just coming to her own realizations. “Or it can be if you want it to be.”

“Look,” Lucy said firmly, sounding a bit impatient now as if I was suddenly keeping her from something. “It’s either you love Shaie, or you don’t. Either way, you need to stop running away from things and let her know how you feel.”

“I’m not running away,” I frowned.

“No.” Lucy agreed before she added, “But this—what you’re doing? You’re going to end up pushing her away and you know it. And if that’s the plan well, then you should just save Shaie the time and trouble and end it now.”

“I don’t want to lose Shaie.” I confessed, and Lucy’s features softened. I glanced away, feeling close to tears once again.

“Then don’t.” Lucy said kindly, her hands touching my forearms to drive her point. “Shaie’s probably just as terrified as you are, but she’s trying anyway. The least you could do is to try, too. Stop playing relationship chicken. Stop hiding behind your ex. Shaie deserves better than that.”

She let go of my hand and stepped back. “Now, if you’ll excuse me,” Lucy said. “I have somewhere else I have to be right now.”

With that, the blonde woman hurried away and I turned my head towards the balcony where Shaie had retreated earlier, knowing that everything Lucy had just said was right.

I had mostly been ambivalent through all this, and Shaie had shown me nothing but patience while I had constantly kept one foot out of the door. It was high time that I decided whether I was actually in or out.

I took a deep breath and started walking.

I didn’t turn when I heard the footsteps walking towards me, but I saw the hand that fell next to mine on the cold, concrete ledge and knew right away that it was Jamie’s.

“I thought you were scared of heights,” I commented, turning away from the gorgeous view of the night sky that I had been looking at to glance at her. I had none of the anger that I had felt earlier, only a sense of exhaustion and defeat that was slowly creeping in.

“I am.” Jamie said. There was a slight edge to her voice that held my attention as Jamie gazed back at me, and I noticed it then—the nearly imperceptible trembling in her fingers as she shakily explained, “This doesn’t mean that I’m any less afraid.”

I turned fully towards her, suddenly aware that we were now talking about something more than just heights.

“I love you, Jamie.” I told her simply, not really expecting her to say it back right now, but feeling the need to put my foot down. “I can’t help it, and I should at least be able to say that to you without you shutting me out. I grew up in a family where people didn’t tell each other how they felt and I’ve known for a long time now that that isn’t what I want for myself. So if you—”

“I know.” Jamie interjected. “I mean, I understand. And I’m sorry.”

There were tears brimming from her eyes and I tried to brace myself for what she was about to say next. Jamie took her time, that same hesitation that had infuriated me when we were starting showing up again, but I kept silent, knowing that it merely meant that she was trying to open herself up.

“I thought,” Jamie finally began with a shaky breath. “That I was only trying to be fair to you. I thought that I was only trying to keep you from getting dragged into my own personal mess—and that’s true. That’s part of it. But, if I’m honest with myself, it’s also that I’m just scared.”

Jamie’s eyes were imploring, begging to be understood as they stared into mine.

“I’m scared that things are changing,” she continued. “I’m scared because I don’t know if it means things between us are going to be better, or if everything is just about to go downhill from here. I’m scared that I might be making just another mistake, or that one day you’ll think that you’ve made a mistake. I’m scared to give too much of myself because I’m scared that I’ll end up losing myself again—but I find that all that isn’t as scary as the thought of losing you.”

There it was again, that sudden hope that sprang in my chest as she spoke. But after the emotional back-and-forth that Jamie had put me through in the last 48 hours, I was a little wary of trusting the feeling.

“What are you saying?” I asked her.

“I’m saying that I’m in love with you, too.” Jamie replied, her smile tentative, as if she didn’t know what her words would do. “I have been for a good while now, I was just too scared to admit it and let you know.”

“And now you’re not scared anymore?” I hedged, wanting to be sure that I wasn’t just imagining things as Jamie took a tiny step closer.

“Are you kidding me? I’m fucking terrified!” Jamie said with a soft little laugh, but she was quite serious when she added, “But I’m not going to let it stop me from being happy anymore. I love you, Shaie.”

I couldn’t help but smile then. I hadn’t known just how much I wanted Jamie to say she loved me until that very second and, now that she had, I was suddenly beside myself.

I breathed deeply, fighting the unexpected lump of emotion at the back of my throat as I pulled Jamie in for a deep and gentle kiss that left us both weak-kneed and clutching each other for support by the time our lips parted.

“I love you, too.” I told her, my heartbeat still racing as Jamie and I smiled at each other.

We stayed just like that for a couple of beats, and then we both turned our heads back to the view before us as we stood on that balcony with our bare arms touching.

“What does this mean?” I finally asked her in the continuing silence. “I mean, what happens now?”

“I have no fucking clue,” Jamie laughed softly. And then she sobered a bit as she shrugged. “I guess we’ll just have to find out.”

The sigh that I let out then was as shaky as her own, but the fingers that Jamie slowly laced with mine as she took my hand in hers told me that we would be discovering this new, uncertain path together.

And that was more than enough for me.

*** They say write what you want to read, and that was all that I had set out to do from the moment I first started writing about Jamie and Shaie. Thanks to those of you who have read and followed these two characters on their journey! Your responses had been nothing short of awesome and were, at times, exactly the push I needed to keep writing.***