Chapter 8

Mother Superior/ Elizabeth

I have heard about people who try so hard to be something they are not. People who know who they are but they don’t like it so they pretend to be someone they are not to be loved.

I met her.

Raven.

I had lived happily, as a nun. I devoted my life to prayer and stripped myself of all the dirty pleasures of the world. I was satisfied and I knew much yet I learned more everyday. I would like to say the scriptures and books I read and all the teachings I received kept me wise.

But when it came to her, she challenged everything I knew. Even when she kept her mouth shut and pretend to nod. Her eyes spoke many words of disagreement. The coldness in her refused to be let out and everytime she spoke, she had to think first.

I noticed it the first time we met. Raven paused before she spoke. Everytime there was a pause. Like she never just said things without contemplating options.

Which meant she never really said what she wanted to say. She was hiding. And that became the problem for me. My duty was to deal with her homosexuality at first hand but for whatever reason I couldn’t take that duty as a priority.

No, my priority became unraveling the person Raven was hiding inside. I could bet nobody ever noticed this and she preferred it that way. So I stared in her eyes at all times. Her mouth would say the opposite of what she truly thinks.

I didn’t want to judge her so quickly but if the things she said out loud were the nicer things she could come up with as a cover up to pretend to be someone good. It meant she was holding back her ugly dark true self.

“The choir today was more spirited, I must say” Allita smiled at me, her eyes sparkling with joy from the mass we just got out of.

She was one of those gentle souls I knew. Allita carried a certain delight inside herself that radiated on many people but Raven of course. Allita told me Raven appeared to dislike her.

“Sure” Raven faked a smile but I heard how sarcastic she was being.

“So you agree?. You should try to be more free. I couldn’t help but notice you sat through the whole mass” Allita pointed out.

“Must have been so touched by the spirit, I couldn’t even stand” Raven replied, her tone flat and bored.

“Oh I.. “

“Allita, why don’t you go ahead with others.” I stopped her from saying something that will set Raven off.

Certain times, Raven said the most ruthless things when irritated.

“Alright” Allita joined the other novices leaving me with Raven in the hall.

“You don’t like being in church?” I asked, even though I knew the answer to that.

“Hmm”

That was another problem. Raven had become extremely vague in our conversations. She did everything I said as some form of duty ever since our last intense conversation where I kicked her out of my office.

I guess it was her way of pulling back and letting things be until she had to leave the Convent.

“When I was young I used to hate everything to do with church” I said, hoping to get her to warm up to me.

“But you are a nun now” Raven stopped walking and faced me.

“Yes. For a while I hated church because I was born in this convent. Unlike most nuns, my mom was a nun who lost her way and fell into temptation. She had sexual relations with a man and found herself with child. She kept it a secret for a while but eventually the bump grew and she did what she had to do to keep it a secret still. She had no where to go. So after giving birth she left me to the mother Superior at that time. So I always felt like a prisoner growing up”

“That’s a lot of information to share about yourself” Raven spoke up then held her breath “Uh I meant I understand”

I smiled.

I loved when she said things without thinking. Exactly what was exactly in her mind.

“It’s okay. I’m only sharing to get to a point. Maybe you don’t like all of this because you are forced to be here. Maybe you don’t like church because your parents forced you to go and we are forcing you to go too. But if it was your own choice maybe you would feel different about it” I touched her hand and she immediately stepped away from my touch.

Why did she do that?.

“I don’t like church because I don’t like choirs.” Raven hesitantly confessed.

“Really, why?”

“I hate the many vocals blending in and everything. Besides the church, I have always hated music bands too.”

The confession shocked me. Not only because i had never heard of it but also because she was not being hateful towards me. She was giving an answer without her usual spiteful defense.

“Are you sure that’s just the problem?” I asked.

“Yes. Maybe I’m not religious and I am not fond of the hatred religious people spread so I can’t say I’m deep in this church stuff but I have nothing against it”

“I didn’t realize. I thought it’s because you are..”

“A lesbian?. It’s just that you have been bend on changing me that’s why you know nothing about me. Homosexuality is not my identity you know”

She had a point.

“If it’s not your identity then what is it?”

“It’s part of who I am. There is more to me. I’m not just a lesbian, I am a person with values, preferences and a lifestyle. Just like the rest of you. When it comes to dating, that’s when I can say I prefer a woman instead of a man and it’s as simple as that”

I wanted to say something against her liking women but we were having a good conversation and I did not want to ruin it by my many lessons. So I smiled and came up with an idea.

“Come with me” I turned towards the direction we were coming from and began walking back. Her footsteps followed me as we passed by other nuns who were coming from the Cathedral.

“Why are we going back?” Raven asked.

“Just come on.”

I walked in a faster pace past the Convent gates to the huge Cathedral that we held our masses in. Everyone was already gone and the nuns were already done so it was empty. I made the sign of a cross before stepping inside.

Raven joined me.

“Why are we here Elizabeth?” Her voice echoed through the huge space which made her smile.

“It’s Sister Elizabeth” I threw a warning stare towards her.

“I will stick to calling you Elizabeth. Again, Why are we here?”

“You said you hate the choir, that’s why you hate church right?” I lifted my habit clothing up before stepping over the alter but she stayed down by the front benches.

“Yes”

“Then what about one person singing or 2? But gospel”

“Umm maybe. I can’t say I’m a fan of church songs, no” Raven appeared to be restless and guarded now.

As if she didn’t want to admit something.

“What if you sit there and I sing standing here and a priest comes in and we go through the whole mass with just one person singing but everything else is fine”

“Uh yeah”

I sighed. I thought this would help me understand her but she looked miserable. So I tried opening up again.

“I used to love leading the choir. I would stand in front and lead all the songs, it made me feel special. Of course everyone is equal but being a child made me want to be seen by God”

“So you thought that having all those eyes on you, admiring how well you sing will be the same as God giving you all his attention?” Raven tilted her head to the side, dark eyes sparkling with curiosity.

“I think so, at that time maybe”

“That’s one of the many reasons why I hate going to church. Religious people have a habit of making others feel like if they are not accepted by the church, then they are not accepted by God. But the church is not God, is it?”

I took a moment to think. Letting her words sink in and that was really sad to realize she was right.

“No, its not. Is that how you have always felt when you go to church?”

“Yes, it’s how I feel when I talk to you. For Religious people, its their word or nothing. If they believe it’s wrong then it’s wrong. It gives them the right to torment you, put you down and scare you. They say the most vile things in the name of your god. If I’m being honest, you people spread hate more than you spread love. So what’s the point of me going to church when being different makes me unworthy of worshipping your God?”

I felt wetness on my hand and thats when I realized I had tears falling down. I wanted to defend, say something to prove her wrong but I couldn’t. That’s how it was.

“I Uh I’m sorry I said that. Surely you’re right about…well everything. Maybe we should go back” Raven sighed in defeat.

I had never felt so ashamed in my entire life.

“So the reason you don’t want to go to church is because of the people there not because you are an etheist or non believer?” I wiped my face dry with my pocket napkin.

“I believe there is a higher power that created the universe and the organisms living in it. That’s proof. I believe more in the universe than I do in Gods. I look for guidance in the universe but once in a while I pray to God.”

“And the Bible?”

“Little stories written by humans?. No. Though they were wise, their guess was as good as mine. Scientists are probably the disciples or something in my opinion”

“I guess you are gonna tell me a reason why you think so?” I got down from the alter and took a seat next to her.

“Well the people who wrote in the Bible only knew of the planet earth hence the talks about people and animals and things found on earth. They didn’t mention other planets where we don’t really know whats in those other planets. I bet if those stories were all accurate, we would know about life on other planets. But they didn’t know and apparently Jesus never mentioned we could visit the moon”

I laughed at that.

“They gave knowledge on things that were important. Things that guide us and teach us.”

“But in their point of views hence why it’s confusing and written by men”

“How is it confusing?. And is it a problem that the books were written by men?. You think it would have been different of women wrote it?”

“Oh it would have been wayyyy too different.    Women are way more sophisticated. You realize that the world has evolved ever since women were allowed education and all those things men tried to harbor all for themselves?”

“I know that. Though its besides the point of our religion conversation, my views on gender equality are just like yours”

“I hundred percent doubt that”

“You think I support men having to walk over women and treating us like slaves and maids. Silencing us by violence and holding their voice above us?”

“I don’t know, you tell me Sister Elizabeth?.”

We held eye contact, faces aligned and her eyes were searching mine for answers. I was only seeing how she saw me in hers.
It was then I realized the person I must have been in her point of view and I knew then that Raven held so much hate towards me.

■ ■ ■

This story has a slow build up to get where I want these two to get. Just bear with me.

Sorry for slow updates, lately I don’t know why it’s hard for me to write even a single chapter.

Would you like me to post a book on the side from my drafts?

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