Chapter 26

ELIZABETH

A block in my brain between religion and life out of it. I forced my conscience to blame everyone but me. Raven needed help, Rayana needed help. My mind went back to what I had done, years back before I left the Charismatic Nuns.

“Sometimes, the devil takes them before we can save them” Reverend Mother had convinced, knelt on the floor where I held her dead body.

It was sad, to know the devil took her before she could receive a chance in heaven. It clouded me, from seeing those who chose to end themselves. He was taking them. Those who took their last breath before the evil spirits could be burned and lifted off their souls.

Still, I had saved most except one. Although times when I wavered, I would blame myself for her death. It was hard to convince myself when I thought of a fifteen year old dying by my hand. Screaming for messy, losing hope and everything she could have ever been gone with her. And there was not enough prayer to bring that child back.

After Raven left, days turned into weeks and weeks turned to months. These months, of being painfully aware of how much I missed the young girl. When I thought of her being out there, my well-being would shut down with sinful rage I could barely control. Her, out there living again with others, girls, women, sinners just like her. I pretended it was because they would backtrack her amazing progress.

They said she was almost there, so close.

If I let myself be honest, deep down I hoped not. So I stayed in denial of this part that moved inside myself, taking the upper hand. This part dreamt of her, in my arms, pressed against my lips. That curl of her soft lips whenever she got in my head. Her face when she fell apart, the rage in her eyes during our heated conversations. And when I closed my heavy eyelids, giving in to sleep, nightmares of the day she took away all my purity came to play and my body deceived me by enjoying her over and over again until I woke.

It had been 2 months since Raven, Rayana and Claire left the convent. Nothing suspicious to the elderly sisters, novices left all the time. Except Mother Reverend…this time I had been too stupid to not expect it.

I was coming from the morning prayer when I found her already waiting in my office.

“Mother Reverend. Good Morning”

“How are you my child?.” She spoke with a tremor in her voice, old age finally catching up to her.

It was strange seeing her now, different from the woman who had raised me.

“I’m surprised to see you visit. Is everything alright?” I pushed up to the edge of my chair, contrary to how my heart felt on edge by who I was now. Hiding, hiding and serial fear. What if they found our?. What if this was me?. One of them, desiring another woman like me?. Was that who I was?.

Could they help?. Should I give myself up to be saved before it was too late?. Did God hate me?. I had not felt him close in months. The memory of how it felt to be in his presence, to feel like I was floating under his watch. To be unquestionably safe, a trust no human could put in me.

Had I lost it?.

“Yes, everything is alright. I am leaving the convent today to pray with one of my children”

That was what she called the girls she saved. Her children.

“I want you to come with me. I believe Raven would want you to be there since you started on her journey together”

“Who?” My usually smooth voice squeaked as if words choking on themselves.

“Raven. The Gilmore girl you passed over to me a few months ago.”

She didn’t have to remind me, if forgetting her was an option, I would gladly take it. Anything to stop the emptiness she left after having had showed me everything to feel besides devotion. She left me devoted to HER instead.

“May I ask why?”

“There was something special about her. She reminded me of my younger self, I have not been able to have a good sleep since she left the convent. I believe she was close, we had a connection.”

“I don’t mean to intrude but..” I swallowed down the babbling anger rising up my throat in the form of bile then continued to ask “What kind of connection?”

“That girl…she was send to me. She pushed, she wanted to be saved. She had the strength to endure the pain, the suffering that comes with change. Her prayers were powerful, you were the last I had ever heard put together a prayer like that. Sometimes, when she sang it felt like she was holding the devil back. Fighting him. And I believe she can be one of us”

The convinced look in her eyes when she spoke of Raven. As if she believed, her faith misplaced and misdirected from who she prayed to, now to Raven.

“So you want to convince her to be a nun?”

“I want to pray with her again. Sit with her and listen to her sing for mercy. We must leave now” She got up, unable to simply wait.

I was left shaken. She appeared obsessed, as if she could not stay away from the girl.

“You must be occupied, but I believe if you come with me…” She sucked in air as if she suddenly remembered something, her handkerchief going up to wipe her mouth “I have been having these dreams, I believe God himself is speaking to me. Raven often appears in my dreams. Almost every night I’m handing her these things, our rosary, our Bible and just now I recalled last night I dreamt of handing her our uniform.”

I opened my mouth, not sure what to say but Mother Reverend beat me to it.

“She is being called!” The woman exclaimed, overjoyed by her delusional mind.

The smallest part of me, quite small but there. It warned me, that we were not her saviors. We were her monsters. After seeing her on that hospital bed, barely alive. Scars only a demon can cause. She was torn apart.

We tore her apart.

Mother Reverend would never realize it. Raven, in our everyday conversations awakened that small conscious part of me that could tell between right and sinning under the excuse of religion.

We were about to see her again, and I was not ready to face her just yet. Or ever.