Chapter 24

CLAIRE

When the doctor came back after hours, he informed Raven’s mother that Raven had suffered a subdural hematoma. They operated on her and they faced complications. Discovered Raven had an infection in her spinal cord.

That was 3 hours ago, she was under intensive care. An hour ago, Miss Gilmore had to sign another document. She had to be put back in the operation theater something was wrong with her.

And during all this back and forth, I was holding my own heart in my hands.

Hoping and begging for a miracle. They could not tell if she would make it, just yet. They said. How could they not tell?. They were the doctors. I stared down at my hands, wondering if I tried for her, would he hear me?. It had been a while since we last talked. Would he listen?. To a girl with no faith?. What would I even say?.

Raven no longer looked like the girl who walked around with her head held high. The girl who was not afraid to be different than the crowd. The Raven I knew, laid on that operation table. Her insides torn with the hopes of putting her back together.

There was barely any hope and the look on her mother’s face. The fear overpowering all the rage. She was sitting there, eyes on the entrance. Her eyes wide with so much fear I almost cried for her. She was not begging or crying. She just sat there. I imagined she felt as though her world was crumbling down. Everything on the edge and whoever had the power to decide if Raven should make it or not.

I hoped they would have mercy, if not for Raven then for her mother.

I stood up on my legs wanting in physical strength. I could barely keep myself up, stead I held my hand up on the wall. I took steps out of the mission hospital avoiding eyes of those who had just received news of loss. I weakly willed myself towards the huge church. The doors were already open.

I stepped in, my eyes blurry as i staggered to the alter and fell on my knees before I got there. I did the cross sign and held my shaking hands together with parted lips. Only my breath, the sound of my rashed breathing came out. A cry crackled from beneath my heavy heart. It was strained, one that knocked the air out of me with  swollen lungs. I gasped for air as tears poured out of me. Not a word said, not a single prayer for Raven.

That’s why I was here wasn’t it?. On my knees to beg for her life. What kind of a selfish monster could not get herself together, be strong when someone needed her to be.

Raven needed me.

I fell over, my hands on the floor as I coughed and gasped as I cried. I brought my hand on my stomach where it hurt to breathe and I managed to gasp out a strangled “Please”.

It was not that I did not have anything to say, I did. Even if I did try, what good would it do when I couldn’t bring myself to believe in grace. This convent, lost its warmth when Rayana left. And though I tried, God knew I did try.

After what seemed like forever, my head spinning on the floor and the echoes of my cries quieted down. I refused to look up or to pray again. I did another cross sign and weakly got up to leave. When I turned she was there.

Mother Superior was already there.

Normally she would have been on her knees whispering prayers about world peace or so I thought that’s what she prayed about. I saw Sister Elizabeth as that perfect Nun created by God just to be holy. Even the way she breathed was worth mentioning in the Bible. This woman….

“What was that place?.” I sat a bench away from where she stood with her head rested in her hands. Sister Elizabeth turned around, her eyes red. “What…what did they do to Raven?”

“A place she could be helped”

“Help?” I gasped out, the air stuck in my lungs.

“She…”

“Help?. You call that help?” I pointed in the direction of the hospital where fate was yet to decide if she stayed alive or left all this pain behind.

“Lower your voice I am still superior to you!”

I stared at the woman in front of me. Took my time with every like in her perfect skin, in her eyes that used to appear kind. This woman?. Who was this woman?. Had I really chosen her? A monster like her as a role model.

What truly unraveled my anger, my rage was that she did not even know what she did wrong. So even if I said many words to her, Sister Elizabeth would not hear me. And my heart mourned for Raven. I felt a tear run down my face so I turned around to leave, catching a sob in my mouth.

“Rayana…”

I stopped, just hearing her name made me feel lightheaded. Yet I refused to turn around and see her guiltless expression. Her lack of seeing what she did made my chest hurt so.

“She…is here. Where Raven was. I grant you permission to leave the convent and you can take her with you”

Her words were cold. Almost forced like that of a natural predator being forced to apologize for being predatory. My insides shook. Raven’s body, her condition. Suddenly her face morphed into Rayana’s.

“You found out” I finally turned back.

I was small compared to the tall angel like older woman. I was shorter, weaker even but my rage…oh my rage was tenfold her strength.

“You found out about our relationship”

“Immoral Relations are prohibited…”

“Then…you…send…us…home!” I gritted out every word my voice filling the walls of the church like that of a preacher. “You tell us to pack our crap and leave your goddamned convent!. Raven was not even a nun!”

“Do not talk about her in past tense!” Her demeanor completely switched with the way she shouted, I instinctively staggered back.

“I might as well say it as it is Mother Reverend. Even if she survived a split skull, blood in the brain, a rotten spine and the infections that doctor mentioned. Greatest If of my life…” I stepped closer to her and looked at her straight in the eye “Do you really believe anyone’s soul can survive what you put her through?”

Mother Superior turned from me, after I saw a glimpse of pain. Not guilt, not sadness. She was in pain. How could it be?.

Unless…

Unless…

No, no, no. That was impossible wasn’t it?. I swallowed down, deciding to push one more time just to confirm my inner battle.

“Mother Superior…Even if Raven survives. All this pain you caused her would be just pain. It won’t change her desire for women. She will leave with her mother, nurse back to health and find love again”

Sister Elizabeth turned around, eyes red full of tears and rage. And that gut wrenching pain she was feeling. Her shoulders refused to still. When she parted her lips, she spoke with a tremor only matters of the heart can cause.

“The nuns reported amazing progress for the past three months. Go pack your bags, I will speak to our driver. He will take you and Rayana where you need to go”

“I am not leaving before Raven. At least let me wait till she wakes up please” I begged, the need to see her alive and well overpowered my love for Rayana. Maybe I was afraid of who they turned her into.

Maybe they changed her and she nolonger wanted me.

“Raven will be fine without you. Go pack”

She did not bother to do the cross sign before she left. She stormed out. Leaving me there with a horrifying realization.

Mother Superior loved Raven.

☆ ☆ ☆

Oh my baby. I imagine speaking to Sister Elizabeth must be terrifying. Baby Claire held that conversation better than I thought.

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