Chapter 30

megan stared at the empty chat for a long time before she even let herself start typing, her thumb hovering over the keyboard like it was something dangerous, like once she started she wouldn’t be able to stop, and maybe that was exactly what she was afraid of, because she didn’t actually know what she was going to say, only that “are you okay” wasn’t enough and it never would’ve been. she exhaled slowly, then started typing.

sexy skiendiel😫😫😫:

i don’t really know how to start this, and i feel like anything i say is going to come out wrong, but i also don’t think i can just not say anything after everything that happened, because that feels worse somehow, like pretending none of it mattered when it obviously did, at least to you, and i guess i didn’t act like it did at the time but that doesn’t mean i didn’t notice, or that i didn’t understand what you were doing, i just didn’t know what to do with it

she paused, staring at the screen, then kept going before she could overthink it.

sexy skiendiel😫😫😫:

and i know you’re probably mad, or maybe not even mad, maybe you just don’t care, which is honestly worse, but i keep thinking about last night and the way you looked when you said you volunteered, and i didn’t even say anything, like i just stood there and made it into a joke or acted like it wasn’t a big deal when it clearly was, and i keep replaying that in my head and it’s actually really messed up when i think about it, because you didn’t have to do that, and i didn’t even try to stop you

her fingers slowed for a second, then picked up again, faster now.

sexy skiendiel😫😫😫:

i think part of it is that i didn’t believe you would actually go through with it, like i thought it was just something you were saying in the moment and that someone else would step in or that it would get shut down, and by the time i realized you were serious it was already happening, and i didn’t know how to react without making everything worse, which i know sounds stupid because i made it worse anyway

she shifted slightly on her bed, heart beating faster now.

sexy skiendiel😫😫😫:

and i know i said it wasn’t my responsibility, and maybe technically it isn’t, but that doesn’t change the fact that i still should’ve cared more in that moment, or at least acted like i did, because you were literally giving something up and i treated it like it was nothing, and i don’t think i realized how bad that was until after you left

she stopped. read it over. it still didn’t feel like enough. so she kept going.

sexy skiendiel😫😫😫:

i don’t even know if you want to hear from me right now, and if you don’t then that’s fair, like genuinely, i get it, but i also don’t want you to think that i just don’t care at all, because i do, even if i didn’t show it properly, and i think i’ve been acting like things don’t affect me because it’s easier than actually dealing with them, and last night was just another example of that

her grip tightened slightly around the phone.

sexy skiendiel😫😫😫:

i’m not asking you to respond or anything, i just needed to say something that wasn’t completely useless, because “are you okay” felt like a joke after everything, and you deserved more than that even if i didn’t give it to you at the time.

she hesitated.

then added one more line, slower this time.

sexy skiendiel😫😫😫:

i hope you got there safely

megan stared at the message. long. messy. too much. not enough. her thumb hovered over the send button. for a second, she considered deleting the whole thing. pretending she never wrote it. pretending she didn’t care. but that felt worse now. so she pressed send. the message went through. delivered. megan exhaled slowly, leaning back against the wall, phone still in her hand as if it might buzz any second. it didn’t. and somehow, that silence felt louder than anything she’d said. megan’s phone buzzed.

awesome avanzini🤤🤤🤤 has seen the chat.