Chapter 3

“How long have you been kicking for the other team?”

“A while now,” I admitted, “I didn’t say anything when I moved in because I didn’t want to upset my chances at getting a room.”

“Oh,” Peggy leaned back against the back of the couch, “I just wish you’d told me earlier, it’s not like I’m homophobic.”

“My parents are, not so much da’ although I’ve never tested the theory but ma’ is always finding a new boy for me and I just know she’d think I’d shamed the entire family if I came out. It’s why I try to stay in the closet, it’s only since I’ve been here that I’ve started going out more, one of these days I might come out but I’m not there yet.”

“I’m glad,” Peggy pursed her lips, “that you feel comfortable enough here to be true to yourself, if you want to bring a woman back here I’ve nothing against it.”

“I won’t,” I reassured her, “you don’t bring guys back here and I won’t bring women back.”

That incident only served to draw us closer together and soon after we got into the burgeoning online LGBT community, such as it was back then. Peggy was genuinely curious about gays but some of her questions had me stumbling in the dark. Like what made me gay? Did I suddenly wake up one morning and decided I liked women more than men? Had I ever felt sexual desires for guys? Could I name one guy I would sleep with if there were no boundaries?

“Just imagine that the powers that be can organise it, who would you choose?”

“Keanu Reeves,” I replied, “or George McCluskey.”

“Who’s George McCluskey?”

“He plays for Celtic.”

“Well I can’t say I’ve seen a picture of him but Keanu Reeves would be my pick for sure,” she put her feet up on the armrest of the couch, “just imagine, he could have a gay girl and a straight girl in the same night.”

“And what about you? Which woman would you let near your minch?”

“Hmm,” she closed her eyes, “Jodie Foster maybe, or Catherine Zeta Jones.”

I was sitting in front of her computer reading the news and one of the stories was about Princess Diana’s visit to Bosnia Herzegovina as part of her campaign to eradicate land mines.

“What about Princess Diana?” I grinned.

“Oh, the crème de la crème,” she giggled, “she just topped Jodie and Catherine.”

Which makes the next part bitter-sweet because it was the death of Diana that brought Peggy and I together and so before I get to that part I’ve got to duck out to take some things back to dad but I’ll write more when I get back.

All right I’m back and I can see Peggy has been at my computer because she left a coffee cup on the desk. She has been using my computer while she builds a new one for herself, my partner deserted her job in retail many years ago to become a computer programmer. She actually designed our home network from the ground up but onwards and upwards.

The death of Diana took us all by surprise. We went to bed about eleven o’clock on Saturday night after watching a video and the first I knew about it was when Peggy burst into the bedroom at 7:30 in the morning to announce that she was dead.

“Died?” I blinked, “how, when?”

“Last night, just after we went to bed there was a car crash in Paris, her boyfriend is dead too.”

I had to work that Sunday, it was one of the advantages or disadvantages of being Indian, depending on your outlook. Everyone hated working Sundays but I was usually available to work. My normal routine would have seen me getting into my uniform in my bedroom but that morning I showered and then came through in my dressing gown to get into uniform in full view of Peggy. It was one of the saddest days I can remember, I’d been at traffic accidents before and knew the script. I was able to give an approximate rendering of what would happen next.

“They’ll question the paparazzi of course, but there will be other things too, like alcohol and drugs. Wiz the driver hammered? Were there other cars involved? How fast was the car going when it hit the pylon?”

Peggy was still staring at the telly with a tear-strained face but as I picked up my bag and prepared to leave she got up suddenly and hugged me.

“Stay safe,” she squeezed me tightly and then slightly embarrassed, released me, “sorry it’s just the emotion of the moment.”

“It’s fine,” I reassured her, “I’ll be fine, it’s a short shift anyway, I’m off the now.”

Nevertheless, it was a busy shift. We had to deal with one poor old lady who suddenly collapsed in Byres Road, I don’t think it had anything to do with the tragedy in Paris as she was quite old. There was a minor traffic accident near the university that could have had tragic consequences when a car clipped an oncoming car and then veered onto the other side of the road narrowly missing three teenagers on the pavement. Crime didn’t even take a breather when we were called to arrest two shoplifters at a chemist.

The general feeling however was one of shock and sadness, it seemed to filter through all levels of society, affecting even those ardent Republicans who wanted to abolish the monarchy. To be honest I’d never given the royal family much thought. Mum was more the royalist but dad had a far more ambivalent attitude. I actually called my parents from a payphone on the way home and spoke to my sister who told me that our parents had gone to a friend’s place because they had the Internet and at that point in time everyone was scrambling for more information. Not that there was much more out there than what we’d read in papers or seen on the telly, for many I suppose it was a way of processing it in privacy.

It was what Peggy was doing when I finally arrived back home. She’d changed into a cream silk blouse with plastic beads on the collar and a tan cargo skirt, the dirty dishes in the sink evidence enough that she’d not done much else but surf the web.

“They’re not saying much,” she sighed, “but I blame the paparazzi.”

“Aye it seems to be what they’re all saying,” I unbuttoned my jacket, “but it’s all very dodgy, these people are supposed to have protection at all times, so what was a drunk driver doing behind the wheel of the car anyway?”

“Fucked if I know,” she pushed away from the computer and stood up, “I’ve been sitting in front of this thing most of the day, I only ducked out to get a curry and went straight back to surfing the web, you take your turn if you want.”

“Thanks,” I pulled my jacket off, “I’d love a cuppa though.”

“Allow me,” she squeezed my shoulder as I sat down.

“I wonder if they’ll do a state funeral?” Peggy went on.

“Doubtful,” I pulled my ponytail loose, “she’s lost her royal status, in this country it’s all about protocol. They cannae even hoist the royal standard to half mast because the queen is in Scotland so it cannae be flown at the palace.”

Peggy’s hands dropped to my shoulders and stayed there. In hindsight that should have alerted me because after discovering my sexual orientation she’d refrained from too much physical affection, not that Peggy was particularly tactile. In her defence though, she never wanted to lead me on and I respected her for that. She seemed to come to herself a few seconds later and stepped back.

“Coffee,” I murmured, “actually on second thoughts a cider would go down well, or anything with alcohol in it.”

“Yeah I could go a drink too.”

I kept on browsing, searching for any other titbits of information but there was precious little out there that hadn’t already been seen in print or on the telly. The BBC had set up a special page about the accident that held my attention for some time and I only left the page when my glass was half empty. Peggy was lying on the couch with her feet on the other arm and a pillow tucked under her neck.

“Find any more information?”

“Just what’s already been published or broadcast,” I perched on the edge of the couch and Peggy sat up and tucked her legs under her.

“Sorry, I’m being a couch potato tonight.”

“It’s all right,” I reassured her, “I was going to go to bed anyway.”

“You have to work again tomorrow?”

“Naw, I’ve got the day off seein’ as I worked a Sunday.”

“Stay up with me,” she leaned against the back of the couch, “otherwise I’ll feel lonely.”

“Even though I’m in the very next room,” I squeezed her knee.

“Sorry,” I released her knee, “wrong move.”

“No it wasn’t,” she replied.

It took a few seconds to register but that was down to a combination of tiredness, alcohol and grief but when I looked at her again she had this odd look in her eyes, like she was waiting for something to happen. A moment later she leaned forward and kissed me on the lips.

I’ve gone over that kiss many times over the years, especially in the months afterwards when our relationship was on the edge of the abyss. Thankfully these days I can confirm one thing at least, Peggy had nurtured a homoerotic crush on me, due partly to the sites we’d seen on the web and also as a result of my coming out. However at that time I was totally unaware of her browsing habits when I was at work or asleep. Had I bothered to check her web history I might have suspected something at least but back then few of us bothered to check such things let alone hide our history and so when she kissed me I moved with her, opening my mouth slightly. When she pulled back suddenly I finally exhaled and looked down.

“Sorry about that,” she eased back slightly, “I shouldn’t have done that.”

“At least no’ without warning me,” I replied, “it took me by surprise.”

Peggy didn’t reply to that one but I could tell she was on the verge of something but what? I angled my position so that I was side onto her and tugged gently at her hair.

“But it was a nice kiss though.”

“Thanks, I think,” Peggy managed a half smile, “I think it’s the emotion of the moment.”

“And the alcohol,” I fiddled with her hair, “never underestimate the power of alcohol, it’s no’ called a social lubricant for nothing,” my hand dropped to her collar.

“Tell me about it,” she swallowed, “we call it a leg opener for good reason.”

“Aye, I can attest to that,” I rubbed my thumb over the beads on the the collar.

“So, what was it like for you,” she looked briefly at my hand, “when you had sex with a woman for the first time, I mean did you know then that you were gay?”

“Kind of,” I moved my hand to the other side of her blouse, “it was a confusing time for me because it’s not exactly polite conversation at home. My pals were all so much more confident than me, and I was trying to fit into two different worlds. At home I was the good little girl who got great grades and helped out around the home but at school I was definitely in the thick of it. I used to go along with dares just to fit in with the others.”

I let my hand fall to my lap.

“But to answer your question I never felt attracted to boys in the same way I was drawn to girls, I tried to fight it because I wanted to please me ma’ and I didn’t want to shame the family, but when nature took over I couldn’t fight it. I lasted until I was in the academy at Tulliallan and met Stacey, she came onto me one night in the shower and we fucked.”

“The old shower scene,” Peggy grinned, “I should have guessed, so what happened to Stacey?”

“We were a thing right up until we graduated from the academy, at the time I was in love but she was just looking for a casual fuck and when she was posted to Aberdeen we broke up. I was cut up at the time but to be honest it was the best thing for me, the affair with Stacey was the first time I’d had sex with anyone. Prior to that I’d had half hearted attempts at being with guys but stopped at the critical moment when we could have had sex. Stacey was the first person I went all the way with and now I knew why I hadn’t fucked a guy, because I just wasn’t attracted to them sexually,” I propped my elbow on the top of the couch.