Chapter 8

As Hannah explained, the knot in Sasha’s stomach grew. The knot persisted after she dropped off Kristen and Hannah. When she finally pulled into her driveway and killed the engine, she turned to Erik, “Why did you ask Sienna out on a date tonight?”

“Oh shit, I… Sasha, I’m sorry, did that bother you?”

“No!” Sasha said, just a little too quickly, “I was just wondering, that’s all.”

Erik exhaled deeply, “I just thought it’d get her to agree to go to the party — nothing more. And I missed the three of us hanging out. I kind of wanted to take advantage of Anastasia not being here to do that. You pissed all over that plan when you decided not to go, obviously.”

Sasha looked across the street to the Logan’s house. The house was dark. “I’m going over to talk to her.”

“Sash, wait,” Erik grabbed her arm.

“Do you even know what you are going to say?

“No. But it’ll be something along the lines of asking her why she didn’t tell me about Sydney or Alex or any of it.”

“Why? She must have had her reasons. Storming in there at,” Erik pulled out his phone, “Quarter of one in the morning is not good form, buddy.”

Sasha took a deep breath and slumped into the seat, “I wish she’d told me. Then I’d…”

“You’d what?” Erik leaned forward when Sasha didn’t answer, “I knew it. You have fee–“

“Don’t finish that sentence.”

Erik grinned, “You have fee—”

“SHUT YOUR TRAP,” Sasha rested her forehead on the steering wheel, “Erik, don’t.”

“Why not? What’s wrong with saying you have feelings for Sienna?”

“Lesbian falls for straight best friend. That story line NEVER ends well.”

“Yes, except now you know Sienna isn’t straight. Kind of changes things up, right?”

“Ok. Lesbian falls for uninterested best friend. Same difference.”

“How long?” Erik asked.

Sasha waved her hand dismissively and started getting out of the car.

“No — don’t do the pity party thing, ok? I’ll figure out Sienna after I sort things out with Anastasia.”

Erik made a face, “Ah, your ‘it’s almost over’ comment?”

Sasha nodded, “It’s pretty much over. She actually broke up with me before she left…”

“What?” Erik gave Sasha a shove as she tried to put her key in the door, “You’ve been holding out on me? What the fuck?”

Sasha shoved back, “It’s not all about you, asshole. I still have to move my stuff out of her place… so the final nail is almost in the coffin. And please don’t tell anyone — I really don’t want to be the downer at Christmas.”

“I think you are over-estimating how the news might make people sad,” Erik dodged a blow from Sasha as they walked into the house.

Chapter 8: The Dinner (Junior Year, 24th Dec – Monday)

“This was quite a spread — Barbara and George, you guys have outdone yourselves.” Mike James stretched as he surveyed the table.

“Not over yet,” Sienna said as she reached for a dish.

Erik looked at her in awe, “How are you still eating? Didn’t you have, like, eight helpings of everything already?”

“No complaints from me,” Barbara Logan said, “Less leftovers… you guys should bring some stuff home, we made way too much.”

Sienna shoveled more mashed potatoes onto her plate, “It’s the peak of swim season. My metabolism is on hyperdrive.”

Maria laughed, “And here I was thinking that you’d lost weight, Sienna! You are getting enough to eat over there in New York, right?”

“Definitely eating enough.” Sienna smiled good-naturedly.

“So how much are you swimming these days?” Mike asked.

“Five hours a day if we do doubles. It’s a little nuts. But we shave and taper into February, so the yardage decreases until Nationals.”

Mike raised his eyebrows and shook his head, “That is a little nuts. What’s ‘shave and taper’? You didn’t do that for age group, did you?”

Sienna shook her head, “No, we didn’t. Taper is when we drop our yardage — uh, that’s how many yards we log per practice — in a managed pace between now and February. It’s a way to rest the body without losing stamina. And shaving is just shaving. We shave everything. Improves the aqua-dynamics.”

Erik nodded, “I dated a swimmer once… The pre-shave period was, um, interesting…”

“What are you talking about?” Sasha had been talking to Sienna’s dad and caught the tail end of Erik’s comment.

“Hirsute swimmers and the people they date,” Sienna said with her mouth full.

Sasha, still wounded by the knowledge that Sienna had been keeping things from her, scoffed, “Nice S.A.T. word Sienna. How long have you been waiting for an opportunity to use that in a sentence?”

Sienna parried easily, “More often than you’d think. We have an unusually large number of hairy people on our team this year. You know, like you, Sasha. Wild, unbridled hair, not a lot of disciplined maintenance.”

Sasha crossed her arms in a huff.

Maria clucked her tongue approvingly, “You see, Sasha? Sienna agrees with me. You stuff all that hair under the hats. To what end?”

“I like my hair the way it is.”

“Why not just tie it up?” Maria challenged. Sienna knew of Maria’s deep hatred for Sasha’s vast inventory of hats, and found it exceedingly amusing to watch Sasha squirm.

“It’s not long enough to tie up.”

“Then cut it, darling! SNIP! Nice and clean,” Maria made an exaggerated scissor motion with her fingers.

“Then I’ll look like a boy.”

“You already look like a boy. What is it you young people say these days? You should own it!” Maria nodded emphatically.

Sienna gave a lopsided grin, “You should cut it. I think you’ll look good that way.”

“Really?” Sasha peered at Sienna, waiting for the sarcastic punchline that usually followed such statements.

Sienna blushed a little under Sasha’s intense gaze. Why did I say that? She nodded casually, “Sure, better than the perpetual frat boy look you got going on.”

Erik got up and pulled Sasha’s baseball hat off as he walked past.

“It’s mine now, loser,” Erik sang as he jammed the hat on his head and headed to the bathroom.

“Arrrghhh!” Sasha ran her hands through her hair in frustration. Her wavy brown hair fell in a rakish mane around her fingers and over her face. Sienna gasped. Maria leaned over and ruffled her daughter’s hair affectionately, “People would pay good money for hair like this.”

Oh, shit. Sienna felt her face redden as a flash of recognition breached the barrier between conscious and subconscious. A sea of obscenely inappropriate thoughts from that dream, now clearly of her and Sasha, bloomed with fervor in her head.

Sienna grabbed her plate and moved quickly into the kitchen.

“Honey, are you okay?” Barbara Logan asked with concern.

“Yup. I’ll be fine. Just not feeling well all of a sudden.”

Sienna dumped the dishes in the sink and, after quick cursory goodnights to the Jameses, headed upstairs. In the dark solitude of her room, her mind broke open with a torrent of images and memories. Of Sasha. And of the two of them.

Beth Reilly had not been far off: Sienna and Sasha had been like peas in a pod since even before kindergarten. She and Sasha, Sienna announced one day, were going to get married. Nobody batted an eye. Except for Amanda Whitaker, who decided to throw Sienna’s backpack up a tree out of pure spite. Sienna ran to get a teacher’s help but Sasha had other ideas. She climbed up the tree to retrieve it, but slipped and fell, cutting her forehead open in the process. There was blood everywhere, and the teachers and the school nurse were beside themselves with worry, but Sasha was grinning like an idiot as she held onto Sienna’s backpack triumphantly. My Sasha. That’s my Sasha.

And then more recently a couple nights ago, Sienna woke to find herself snuggled into Sasha’s arms at two in the morning. She had debated whether to move to the sofa in the living room, but she couldn’t help but stay. She listened to Sasha’s heartbeat and allowed herself to be lulled back to sleep by the comfort of being smashed up against her friend. In many ways, it seemed so obvious now. Of course it was Sasha. But the dream becoming reality? Kissing Sasha? Having sex with her? Loving her? Sienna almost couldn’t bear thinking about all of that. It would be like looking directly at the sun.

“Sienna, you okay?” Sasha knocked loudly.

“FUCK!” Sienna shouted, “What is it with you and scaring the shit out of me?”

Sasha stepped into the room, “Sorry… sorry… I knocked!”

“I’m fine, just got a little, uh dizzy.” Sienna sat on the bed and hugged herself tight, shivering with adrenaline.

Sasha unzipped her sweatshirt, “Here. Take this.”

Sienna frowned, “Then you’ll be cold. No, I’m fine.”

“I’m hairy. I can take it.”

Sienna laughed and shook her head. “I’m fine, really… and you aren’t hairy.”

“Now that you’ve made that retraction, I won’t sue you for defamation.”

Sienna chuckled, “I don’t have any money. Any award would have been paltry.”

“I guess that means you are free to spread slander and gossip about me as much as you’d like.”

Sienna glanced at Sasha, “What possible slander could I come up with? You’re perfect.”

“Yeah, right!” Sasha’s brain had stalled on the words ‘you’re perfect.’ The sarcasm stung more than usual with last night’s revelations. Certainly not perfect enough for you… I’m not even on your radar that way, am I?

Sienna burrowed into her bed, “I think I just need to rest. Maybe I overdid it at practice or something.”

“You sure you are ok?” Sasha sat on the bed, drawing up the covers for Sienna.

“Yes,” squeaked Sienna, her heart galloping along now because of Sasha’s proximity.

“Okay. Good night, Sienna.”

Chapter 9: The Separation(s) (26th Dec – Thursday)

Sasha looked at Erik in complete confusion as she talked to Sienna on the phone. “I don’t get it. You said you’d meet us here at the restaurant? It’s after 1:00.”

“Not feeling too good. Sorry. You and Anastasia have fun, ok? Probably better that I’m not there for the reunion anyway. You know, third wheel and all that.”

“Anastasia?” Sasha suddenly realized the misunderstanding, “It’s just Erik and me. I’m seeing her later but not until way after lunch. Get your butt over here!”

Sienna felt a lump in her throat, “I really don’t feel good Sasha. I’m just going to try and sleep it off.”

“Logan, you okay?” Sasha heard an unfamiliar wobble in Sienna’s voice.

“Yup. Fine. Sorry I flaked.”

Before Sasha could say anything else, Sienna hung up.

Barbara overheard part of the conversation and stuck her head into Sienna’s room.

“I thought you were going out to lunch today? With Sasha and Erik? Maria mentioned it this morning.”

Sienna shook her head, and tried to avoid her mother’s eyes.

Sienna looked up. The whole saga had come spilling out on Christmas morning; Sienna had been moping around and her mother eventually coaxed it out of her: the realization that Sasha was more than a friend to her, the brick wall that was Anastasia, the painful idea that her feelings wouldn’t be reciprocated.

“Why are you sticking your head in the sand and hiding in here?” Barbara’s tone was gentle but firm.

“I’m not. Just don’t feel up to going out.”

“Avoiding Sasha will not make this go away, you know,” Barbara said.

“True, but it’ll hurt less.” Sienna looked at her mother and smiled bravely.

“You don’t know that, honey.”

“Yes I do. Sasha goes after women who are so not like me. She–” Sienna’s phone started buzzing.

Sienna picked it up, and threw it back onto her bed, “Sasha fucking James. STOP calling me!” She shouted at the phone.

Barbara crossed her arms and fixed Sienna with her best glare, “How is ignoring Sasha’s calls and standing her up for lunch not sticking your head in the sand?”

Sienna looked at her phone and rolled her eyes.

“Honey, talk to her. You owe her that. And you owe yourself that.” Barbara walked over and kissed the top of Sienna’s head. “And just so you know, sticking your head in the sand like this is exactly how you become a crazy spinster shouting at the rain.”

Sienna shook her head, “I can’t talk to her.”

“Sweetheart,” Barbara turned to leave, “You’re overthinking it. Talking is better.”

“Sasha and I don’t know how to talk anymore. We just argue about Anastasia.”

Barbara smiled gently, “Stop making excuses. You both know how. It’s just that neither of you wants to. It’s infuriating to witness, honestly.”

Sienna stuck out her bottom lip and scrunched up her face in protest as her mother closed the bedroom door. Sienna picked up her phone and read Sasha’s text. {SJ} So why did you really flake on lunch? Simple question.

“Why indeed,” Sienna muttered as she typed back: {SL} I told you. Wasn’t feeling well.

“And when I say ‘not feeling well’ I mean the fact that you are with Anastasia the Terrible,” Sienna laughed cynically as she continued talking to herself, “Thus begins my slow descent into madness. First, I realize I have a thing for Sasha, probably have had for years. Then I realize it’s actually caused me to not ever have a real relationship. Now, I’m breaking up my friendship with her because she is too busy chasing after the Tsarina.”

{SJ} Thought we were going to try the clean slate thing?

{SL} Changed my mind. Just keep things the way they are. Seems to be working for you.

{SJ} WTF does that mean?

Sienna took a deep breath. “Bye, Sasha,” she said as she typed. {SL} Means I wish you all the best with A. I’m done fighting. Go and be happy with her.

For a good five minutes, Sasha didn’t write back. Sienna just stared at her phone and tried to hold the tears back. “Ok,” she said, “Just figure out a way to move on. Learn from the Alex debacle. It’s not real. Just move on…”

The phone in Sienna’s hand vibrated once more. {SJ} Meet me at my place in Boston tomorrow night? We need to talk. Just you and me.

{SJ} Too much to tell. Not over text. Dinner tomorrow? 7p?

Sienna bit her lip. {SL} Can’t. Taking earlier train back to NYC.