Chapter 43

Today has been so uncomfortable that I physically can’t compare it to a situation or predicament I have ever been in before.

It was noticed by everyone at school the second we were all in the same place collecting books from our lockers, that something was wrong.

I couldn’t help but have my head buried inside my locker for the duration Clay and Faye were collecting their books, trying my hardest to blatantly ignore their weird and confused stares all the while trying to overhear their whispering and find out what they were saying to each other.

Even with Mackenzie holding my hand and offering hushed words of encouragement between kisses, it didn’t help. I was grateful that she was there, don’t get me wrong, but it didn’t stop the whispering in classes and the pointed stares my way.

I’m grateful when the lunchtime bell chimes, and with having a free period straight after, I can sneak away for a little longer than an hour.

I grab Mackenzie’s hand and effectively drag her to her car, ignoring the strange looks cast my way by the rest of the school. I’m trying to let her typical smell of coconut and vanilla distract me, but for once it’s unsuccessful.

She looks beautiful as per usual, her hair now falling past her shoulders in golden waves as she’s let it grow out, and her makeup is natural but gorgeous. It still marvels me that this Aphrodite of a woman is my girlfriend, and that she took an interest in me over everyone else.

The cold weather means I don’t get to see her in skirts or dresses anymore, but she still looks amazing in a pair of black, high waisted corduroy trousers that accentuate the amazing figure I know she has underneath. She’s wearing a cropped, green woollen sweater that smells like her but scratches my skin when I touch it. She always looks amazing, but when she dresses like she hasn’t put any thought into it, she makes my heart race faster than any other.

I think it’s the effortless beauty that really gets me going.

“You wanna tell me where you’re dragging me?” Mackenzie chuckles questioningly as I finally let her hand go. I sigh and press a kiss against her lips, enjoying the way her lips taste like cherry lip gloss, the pressure of hers against mine feeling perfect. I shiver as a particularly cold gust of wind blows across the parking lot, the chill freezing the tips of my ears, though I warm when I feel Mackenzie press her hand into the small of my back, pulling me closer into her.

“Your car so you can take me to Benny’s and we can spend some quality time together.” I smile over sweetly, dropping the act when she sends a pointed stare my way that clearly states she isn’t buying my bull.

“Okay, now the truth.” Mack chuckles, pressing another kiss into my hairline as she pulls me into her chest. I sigh heavily as my eyes flutter closed, enjoying the feeling of her lips on my forehead and her scent of vanilla and coconut. “What’s going on, Alex?”

I blow out a huff and pull away from her hold, running my hand through my hair. “I just don’t want to be here for an hour. I can’t stand everyone looking at me like they want to ask what’s going on. I sure as hell don’t want to be cornered by the two of them.”

Mackenzie nods as she opens her car door for me, a soft look on her face. “Sure. I’ll hide you for a couple of hours but you’re going to have to deal with this soon, Alex.”

“No I don’t.” I mutter as I sit in the passenger seat. “I can ignore their very existence for the next four months and then I’ll run off to college and never see or hear from them again.”

Mackenzie laughs and takes my hand in hers as we leave school and head towards the diner. I enjoy the feeling of her thumb brushing against my knuckles. The tension in my muscles slowly ebbs from my body with every metre we distance ourselves from the school, until I’m blasting music from her radio and singing the words at the top of my lungs.

This is the first time today I haven’t felt tense or anxious, or any kind of negative emotion for that matter. Mackenzie has that kind of effect on me. She listens, she makes her point but doesn’t push it, she makes me feel listened to; I feel validated.

No wonder I’m in love with her.

I get excited when I see Benny’s but find myself confused when she doesn’t turn into the parking lot, heading into town.

“Kens, you missed the turning.”

“No I didn’t.” She says matter-of-factedly. “We’re not going to Benny’s.”

I scrunch my eyebrows in confusion and Mackenzie chuckles, releasing her soft grip on my hand to smooth the creases between them with her thumb. “I didn’t fancy milkshakes today. I have a craving for sushi.”

It clicks that she’s taking me to Wasabi, the small Japanese place I showed her a few months ago, the workplace of my self declared third mom. I really wish I had more time this year to come and spend time here, but with soccer and college applications, I haven’t even had time to go through Benny’s drive thru unless Mackenzie picks me up early enough.

I lean across the centre console and pepper Mackenzie’s face with kisses until she laughs and tells me to stop so she can park. I oblige, but lace my fingers through hers the second we’re out of the car.

“Thank you for bringing me here, Kens.” I smile softly. I pull her towards me by our laced fingers before slipping my arms around her waist. Mackenzie smiles softly, gently pushing my fringe away from my eyes with a deft brush of her fingers.

“Anytime.” She smiles softly, her hand coming to rest on my cheek before leaning in and kissing me. It’s gentle and sweet, the feeling of her lips against my own making me sigh in content. My stomach stirs as I tighten my hold on her waist.

Mackenzie opens the door to the restaurant and holds it for me, her chivalry earning her a quick kiss on the lips. It smells like street food in here, a scent I will never tire of. I spot Gina before she does me, hunched over slightly as she cleans up a particularly messy table.

It’s nice to see the restaurant busy, this spot a self declared hole in the wall joint that isn’t a common knowledge restaurant. It’s not rowdy, and there’s still spare booths lining the back wall by the kitchen. I relace my fingers through Mack’s as I effectively drag her to the back of the restaurant, dropping into a curved booth beside a large Japanese money tree that hides us front the rest of the customers and pulling her down with me.

“Cozy.” Mackenzie muses, dragging her eyes over my face as she slides her arm over my shoulder and pulls me close. “I like the privacy.”

I blush at the insinuation behind her words but prove her point by leaning forward and brushing my lips against her own. They’re chapped with the cold but still soft, her fingers curling into my hair as she gently tugs me closer.

We haven’t had chance to spend time like this together, my life presenting like something from a film. I’m effectively Nadine from The edge of Seventeen except I’m not depressed or looking to befriend any teachers. I’m dealing with my brother being with my best friend, my other best friend getting with my now ex boyfriend behind my back. I’ve also had to deal with coming out to my friends and family so I can be with a girl that drives my crazy in all the best ways.

And when I think it out loud, I really do feel like I’m in some sappy coming-of-age movie.

Mackenzie snakes her arm over my shoulder as she pulls me closer, the tip of her tongue teasing  my bottom lip open.

This is the first time in a while where I feel like we’re finally together without having to talk about the recent dramatic ongoings in my life. It’s just me and her, hiding in the back of a Japanese restaurant and kissing like we’re never going to be able to again.

“I thought I saw you two sneak in.” I hear a voice chuckle from behind me and I pull away from Mack with a start, like I was burnt and electric shocked simultaneously. I offer Gina a sheepish smile, my skin burning with embarrassment at being caught mid make out. “It’s been a while, Alex.”

Mackenzie shrugs the awkward encounter off, giving my shoulder a squeeze and Gina a wide smile. “We thought we’d sneak away for lunch today.”

“Mhmm.” Gina smirks knowingly before handing us a few menus. “You two know the drill, order at the bar and I’ll bring your food over.”

I thank her as she walks away before swatting Mackenzie’s arm, earning a joking glare. “What was that for?”

“I can’t believe you were so smug!” I laugh, burying my face in my hands. “I have never been more mortified in my life!”

Mackenzie’s eyes shine with humour as she places a slow kiss to my hairline. I don’t know how she stays so calm being caught kissing in public, let alone kissing a girl. I know that it’s going to take some getting used to, I’m still not entirely comfortable with the concept of PDA when there are so many people who are quick to judge and react negatively. I just know that I’ll face any challenge for her because she’s worth it and I love her.

“You’re lucky I love you.” I mumble as I bury my head in my menu even though I know what I’m going to order.

Mackenzie chuckles before placing her lips just behind my ear, planting a small kiss that makes me shiver. “Oh I know.”

~•~

We arrived back into school half an hour into our free period and snuck into the library through the gym entrance. We giggled like children as we found a spot at the back away from prying eyes, Mackenzie’s lips immediately attaching themselves to my neck and my back colliding with a bookshelf.

“Mack.” I laugh, wrapping my arms around her neck, her hands sliding into the back pockets of my jeans. I feel her smile against my skin, her teeth gently nipping against the pressure point at the hollow of my throat. “We could get caught.”

“But that’s the fun part.” She mumbles, her eyes the colour of a midnight storm, her lips hovering millimetres away from my own. “I’ll stop if you want me to.”

“Never mind.” I smirk, pulling her face towards mine, trapping her lips in a kiss. They taste like lip balm and the cheesecake we shared at lunch. I giggle when she roughly pushes me against the bookcase, the spine of a hardback digging into the skin above my jeans. My fingers dig into her hair, a groan escaping past her lips when I pull gently.

We jump apart when we hear footsteps nearing. I quickly grab a book from the shelf and pretend to read the blurb, Mackenzie copying my actions and spinning to the shelf behind her, failing miserably at stifling her laughter.

Tina Jefferson walks round the corner, her nose buried in a book. She stops at our aisle but doesn’t lift her gaze. The latter fact is lucky because she’d see the pair of us looking incredibly suspicious while we’re very clearly pretending to read. I hold in a laugh until tears prick at the corners of my eyes, stifling every noise coming out of my body until she continues on her journey.

I know that if I look at Mackenzie I will burst out laughing, so I keep staring at the back of my book a little longer until I know Tina is further away. Then I look up, and Mackenzie is staring at me with the stupidest grin on her face.

“Don’t.” I warn, a smile threatening to break out on my face. “You make me laugh and I promise I’m leaving.”

Mackenzie shrugs, the smirk never leaving her face. “That’s fine. But you might bump into Clay or Faye if you leave.”

I narrow my eyes at her smug face. She’s got me right where she wants me and she knows it. But then her face softens, and a knowing feeling gnaws in my stomach. The tips of her fingers skin gently around my waist, her palms settling on the small of my back.

“You can’t leave this forever.” Mackenzie says lowly. I feel myself roll my eyes and almost pull out of her grip, but my girlfriend tilts my chin to look at her. “Alex. I know what this feels like.”

I laugh bitterly, my eyes hardening. “You have no idea what this feels like.”

“Have you forgotten that my girlfriend cheated on me with Whitney?” Mackenzie glares. “I was friends with her once. And now she rubs it in my face every time she sees me. What part do I not understand?”

“They have kept it from me for nearly a year.” I bite harshly. “She lied to my face and said she didn’t understand why he was pulling away when she was the reason, and consoled me for weeks before we got back together. They have obviously picked up where they left off now I’m not in the picture. Don’t tell me you know what that feels like.”

“Fine.” Mackenzie says stonily, pulling away from me. “Do what you want. But hiding from them for months is going to be exhausting for you. I’ve given my opinion and I won’t bring it up again.”

“I’m not ready to talk to them yet Mackenzie.” I mutter, my gaze dropping the the floor. “Don’t force me to be ready.”

I am not ready to have the conversation. Yes, I might be behaving like a slightly petulant child, but I don’t know how else to approach this. I have never been out in a situation like this so I can’t exactly draw from experience. If I want to handle this slightly immaturely then I feel like I’m allowed to. Plus, the extremely petty side of me wants them to worry, wants them to sweat a little bit.

I want them to work out that I know.

I hear the bell chime for the end of fourth period. An awkward look passes between us, neither really knowing where to go. Mackenzie almost looks guarded, an expression I haven’t seen her wear for a long time.

I don’t want to lose her to a petty spat when she’s obviously trying to give me advice.

“I don’t want to argue with you.” I sigh, taking steps towards her and wrapping my arms around her waist. “You’re the last person I want to argue with, Kens.”

Mackenzie buries her head into my shoulder, her breath fanning across my skin. I press a kiss against her temple before stepping away and smiling, loving how easy it is to talk things out with her. “I’ll speak to them when I’m ready. I’m just not there yet.”

“Okay.” Mackenzie nods, kissing me briefly on the lips before slotting the book in her hand back on the shelf. “But I’ll be here when you are.”

“I know.” I smile, lacing my fingers through hers as the bell chimes for the end of the period.

We stroll lazily to our next class, her thumb dancing across my knuckles. That last couple of hours has really relaxed me, and now I feel ready for the rest of the day.

Until it dawns on me that my next class is physics. A class I share and partner with Clay.

I blow a frustrated breath out of my nose. It’s almost like Mack was trying to tell me I needed to face him sooner than I’m ready to.

Damn her and her wisdom.

“I will be here after your class finishes.” Mackenzie smiles knowingly at my panicked face. “You don’t have to sit next to him. Raven’s in this class.”

She squeezes my hand before walking onto her next lesson, leaving me to fend the nerves bubbling in my chest. I look in the lesson and luckily Clay isn’t here yet, and neither is Raven’s usual bench mate.

Raven is sat reapplying her lipstick in a tiny compact mirror. She sees me walking towards her and smiles, her eyebrow arching slightly when I take a seat beside her. She doesn’t say anything and I’m really happy about that, she merely begins conversation about the remaining soccer season and the upcoming state championships.

As much as Raven can come across aloof, I don’t give her enough credit. She can quite clearly see that something is not right. She’s seen that I’ve been avoiding Clay, I stood next to her with my head buried in my locker for God’s sake, and she hasn’t brought it up once. I haven’t really seen her as anything other than Derek’s girlfriend for a long time, not really crossing over social groups and other than soccer not having much in common. I think I need to change my opinion because she’s been a blessing.

We sit and talk until the rest of the class filters in, Raven’s usual partner getting the hint that I don’t want to sit with Clay, and takes a seat at my old bench without even batting an eyelid. I mean, I don’t think it was going to be much of an argument anyway considering Clay is “allegedly” single to the rest of the school population and every girl is in love with him.

And then he walks in.

He has his bag hanging off one shoulder, and his hair is wet from the phys ed class he’s just finished. I roll my eyes internally at the fact I still know his schedule, but it’s something that’s hard to forget when I’m working out which routes to take to class in order to avoid him.

It’s sad that it has come to this. We stayed amicable after we broke up, and he’s my best friend for as long as I can remember. But what he and Faye did to me, regardless of whether we were split up when I found out, is frankly in my opinion unforgivable. I’m more angry with Faye in this situation, due to her actions after the fact, but for Clay to go and find what I wasn’t willing to give him in one of my best friend, is disgusting from both of them.

They can both rot in hell for all I care.

I see him looking at me as he walks towards our bench. I bite the inside of my cheek as I match his eye contact, showing him a cold and emotionless side of me that he hasn’t seen before. I can see it taking him back slightly, his eyes widening before quickly diverting his gaze to the floor.

“When you’re ready, I really need to know the story there.” Raven mutters as she side eyes Clay as he walks past. “Other than April, you’re never one to hold grudges.”

“Maybe when it doesn’t fill me with such rage.” I mutter, gripping my pen to the point it nearly snaps in half.

Being saved by the bell before I’m forced to divulge information I’m not ready to, our teacher walks into class and starts the lesson. He’s pretty chill, and isn’t bothered by seating arrangements as long as you do the work. He doesn’t even bat an eyelid at the fact I’ve swapped seats and now sit at the front.

I can however feel a pair of eyes burning into the back of my head, but I don’t give him the satisfaction of looking in his direction again. I keep my head down, work quietly with Raven and pretend that he doesn’t exist to me.

“Alex?” I hear him mutter, and I curse quietly under my breath when I realise he’s gotten out of his seat to talk to me during the group work. I ignore him, my gaze remaining on Raven, an awkward expression on her face as her eyes flit between me and a boy I used to trust the most in the whole world. I feel his hand rest on my shoulder and I shrug him off with eye cold fury, my body turning in my seat and I face him with hate in my eyes. A touch that once used to warm my chest, now fills me with disgust knowing who else he’s touched like that, and the fact he touched her when we were still together.

He seems taken aback as he almost flinches at my expression, pain flashing across his features as he withdraws his hand limply to his side. “Don’t talk to me.”

His head drops, defeat hovering around his slumped frame. He walks to the front of the class and throws something in the trash, before walking back to his seat without sparing me a second glance. “I don’t know what I’ve done wrong?”

I hear him mutter quietly to himself as he walks past, and the feeling that builds up in my chest is something I’ve never quite felt before. Pure disbelief. I feel my mouth drop open at the audacity of this boy to be so dumbfounded, so arrogant, that he believes there is no possible way I could find out about what he did.

I can’t find my focus after that. I was looking at the questions on my question paper and the symbols and equations were just blending into an unreadable cipher of symbols. I sigh with frustrations and wipe my eyes with the hell of my palms, the image of Clay with his tongue down my best friend’s throat burnt into the blackness again.

I don’t finish anymore of my work after that, deciding that I’ll complete the assigned work at home when I feel I can concentrate. I just decide to stare at the clock, assuring Raven that I’m fine whenever she mumbles softly if I’m okay. I know I’m not, but I’m sure I’ll get over it. Maybe.

As soon as the bell rings to signal the end of class I jump out of my seat and leave the classroom. My bag was already packed ten minutes ago, tears stinging at the back of my eyes as I can feel Clay’s eyes still boring into the back of my head. I shoulder past my classmates at the door and leave before he can get to me, to stop me and try and talk, leaving the echo of his pained voice calling my name to be drowned out by my classmates.

~•~

Hello people! Me again, back from the dead and writing from the underworld!

I’m really sorry that my updates are becoming slow again. This book is slowly coming to an end, and I want to finish it in a way that does you guys justice. I don’t want to leave any plot holes and I want to make sure I give you the ending you guys thoroughly deserve.

I just want to thank each and every one of you who’ve followed Alex’s journey, and I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for the 1 MILLION READS!! This is insane and I honestly don’t have the words to express how grateful I am. I write on here both for you guys, but also for myself, and knowing that there are so many of you out there who have supported this book and given it the platform it has is amazing and I want to finish this journey off with you!!!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

ANYWAYS

I know a lot of you were asking for more Alex and Mackenzie content (Malex? Alenzie?) so I hope this chapter gave you the fill you were craving. Their relationship is so important to me, and Alex’s journey is incredibly close to my heart as most of you will know, I based her heavily on my experiences growing up and my tales of exploring myself and coming out. Not only do I want to do Alex justice, but also myself, so I hope you guys continue to enjoy right until the bitter end.

Love always,

Lauryn