Chapter 38

I tried.

I tried to enjoy the rest of my time away.

The week should’ve been amazing.

We spent the remainder of the week trying out all of the slopes available to us, and a group of us even sneaked off to try the second mountain available with our lift pass. We ate amazing food, took full advantage of the spa facilities, and even drank four bottles of wine between the six of us that went into the resort’s hot tub after hours.

Kekoa got so drunk that he agreed to jump out of the hot tub and cannonball off the balcony into the snow drift below. The poor boy looked like a scolded puppy when he came back up, his body shivering and covered in the powdery snow he couldn’t manage to completely rid his body of.

I made friends with people I probably wouldn’t normally have spoken to at school due to our social groups not really crossing, and I even started to appreciate Freya more. It turns out she has a personality that doesn’t always scream stone cold bítch. She can sometimes be funny, and her sarcasm actually made me laugh this week instead of rolling my eyes like I would have at the start of the year.

I tried to appreciate the snow, all of the little moments that occurred, and the girl that I was sharing a bed with, but all I could accept and feel for the whole week was a bitterness that slowly burned into rage. A hot, aching rage that made the tips of my fingers feel like they were on fire and caused me to feel my heartbeat in the back of my throat.

Mackenzie could tell that something wasn’t quite right with me after that night, but I didn’t let her in when she asked me about it. I didn’t want to seem like I was jealous or upset with the fact my friend, or my best friend, was kissing Clay. It wasn’t like that, but I feared that she wouldn’t understand.

I am hurt and angry and enraged at the fact that I went to my two best friends in tears that summer, sobbing to them whilst admitting that I felt like I was losing Clay, that I had lost him not only as a boyfriend but as a best friend because it felt like things weren’t clicking into place the way they should be. I poured my heart out to the pair of them, and they let me wipe my tears on their shoulders and spent night after night holding me just so that I could sleep, all the while that backstabbing blonde-haired bítch knew exactly what was wrong with our relationship.

She knew why he was distant. She knew why something wasn’t quite right. I can’t help but think now that she caused all of that, that perhaps he was distant because he was trying to decide who he liked more or whether or not he could have his cake and eat it at the same time. We were going through a time back then when I knew he wanted to go the whole way and sleep together, but I wasn’t quite ready. I knew it was frustrating Clay that I wasn’t quite ready to go the whole way with him, and we had arguments about whether it was because I didn’t trust or love him enough.

Lo and behold, I had a perfectly good reason not to trust him; I just didn’t know it at the time.

It just makes so much sense that he suddenly stopped asking about it and then apologised for the way he was behaving. I have no doubt in my mind that Faye gave him a part of herself I wasn’t ready to commit at the time.

That is why I am so hurt.

Not the fact she kissed him. If they told me tomorrow they liked each other and wanted to explore it, I would be their number one supporter. I have no romantic feelings for Clay anymore whatsoever. I am so blissfully happy with Mackenzie that I would’ve given them my blessing without a shadow of a doubt. It is the sheer fact that they were ‘exploring’ this behind my back.

So, with the utmost respect, screw the pair of them.

Both of them can kiss our friendship goodbye because there is no way in hell I could ever trust them again. As far as I know, he could’ve been sleeping with her throughout our entire relationship. He could’ve been sleeping with her and spending time with her after that point when he apologised to me. The thought of Clay and Faye going to the winter dance together now leaves a bitter taste in my throat as they assured me they were going as friends.

I don’t believe a word they’ve ever said to me anymore.

I just don’t want to tell Mackenzie and have her worry that I’m jealous or that I still have feelings for Clay because I can assure everyone that I don’t. I just want to find the right time when I can tell her more calmly so that I don’t trip over my words out of anger and say it all wrong.

The second we touched back home, I kissed Mackenzie goodbye and sulked home, spending the weekend ignoring messages from everyone that wasn’t her. April tried to message me about why I had gone silent since the photo, while Derek, Faye and Clay were all asking about how my time away was.

I couldn’t trust any of them. I sent myself into a spiral of thinking everyone was in on covering up those two cheating behind my back, and suddenly I didn’t know if I could believe anything anyone had said to me the past year. Can I really believe that April had no clue that this was happening?

I groan and bury my face in my pillow, letting out a frustrated but muffled scream.

“Well that doesn’t sound very good.” I hear a voice call out from my door, my hands removing the pillow I’m trying to smother myself with from my eyes. “Penny for your thoughts, kiddo?”

I see my brother leaning against the frame of my door, a smirk on his face but concern in his eyes.

Will had grown his hair back out in the few months since I last saw him, his dark hair falling in front of his eyes like it used to before he buzzed it. Since he left for college, he’s changed dramatically, his muscles filling out his old band t-shirt on a greater scale than they did before and his face sprouting a beard.

I didn’t realise until right now how much I’ve missed my annoying older brother. We’ve drifted since he left for college. Will and I used to be incredibly close, spending evenings together when our parents weren’t home and looking out for each other at school. He always helped me with my maths homework, and I always helped him finish his English assignments. We used to tell each other everything, from which girls he had kissed at parties to my problems with Clay.

“You need to stop calling me kiddo. Only dad calls me that and I’m only ten months younger than you.” I scowl jokingly, launching the pillow at his broad frame. Will catches it with ease, tucking it under his arm as he stares me down, my frame withering under his gaze. I get up from my seated position and wrap my arms around his broad frame, his embrace warm and comforting. We break apart and I flop back down on the bed, my mood lifting slightly.

Will sighs and walks on over, sitting on the edge of the mattress, his large frame balanced awkwardly amongst the pillows. He pats the space beside him and encourages me to take a seat next to him, his arm snaking over my shoulders as he pulls me to his side. He hasn’t done anything like this since we were kids, the affection sort of leaving our relationship once we got older. I can’t help but appreciate the gesture, immediately feeling comfortable with my head dropping to rest on his shoulder.

“What’s wrong?”

It takes everything in me not to cry, which is so annoying because I’m not upset. I’m frustrated. I bite my lip roughly, my tongue tasting the sharp, metallic taste of blood, as I ball my hands into fists. “I don’t know what to do about something I found out.”

“Well, don’t keep me in suspense.” Will jokingly rolls his eyes, earning a shove from me.

“April sent me a photo from last year, and in the background, I can see Clay and Faye kissing. We were still together at this point.”

Will’s face darkens considerably, his jaw tightening. “I see.”

“I’m not mad because I still have feelings for him, that’s not the case at all.” I start, my words met with an alarmed look from my brother. “What?”

“You made that sound like you weren’t together?” Will’s thick eyebrows bunch together in what I can only assume is confusion. “When did you two break up?”

“Oh, months ago,” I state, suddenly feeling rather guilty at the fact I’d kept my brother out of the loop. I don’t actually remember if I told my parents that we weren’t together anymore, but that’s a thought for another time. “We ended on good terms, we just didn’t see each other romantically anymore. Anyways, not the point, Will, don’t distract me.”

Will holds his hands up in mock apology, urging me to continue.

“I’m not mad because I still have feelings for him; I’m so over it you couldn’t believe. I’m mad and upset because this happened behind my back when we were still together, and Faye and April both sat there and watched me cry my eyes out over the boy when we had a break during summer.”

Will bites his lower lip in thought, his hand tightening around my shoulder. It’s comforting knowing that he’s still protective of me like when we were kids. I’ve missed having my big brother around – him being here again proves as much. “I see.”

I look at my brother and feel the tears well up again. There’s so much that he doesn’t know, so much I wish I could tell him. I don’t know why I’m suddenly so stumped when it comes to opening up to my brother. I have told him everything since I was little, from the little things like how I was scared of heights to admitting to him that I had a crush on Clay.

I told him that I liked Clay with the biggest smile on my face and with such ease. It was almost like talking about the weather, so surely telling him that I have a crush, even if it is on a girl, should be easy. Right?

“Something is eating at you,” Will states bluntly, his tone catching me off guard. My eyes snap up to look into his to find them already boring into my own. Dark eyes we both share with my father stare back at me, a wry smile on his face as he takes in the surprise no doubt on mine. “I know we haven’t spoken since I left, but don’t think I’ve forgotten what it looks like when you have a weight on your shoulders.”

It hits me then why I’m struggling so much with admitting this. It’s because Will is family. Yeah, I’m out at school, but at the end of the day, if someone there doesn’t agree with it then I only have five months before I never have to see them again. My family on the other hand, they mean everything to me. Even if I don’t see them very often, they’re my flesh and blood and their opinion means more to me than anything in the world. If they don’t accept me, if Will doesn’t accept me, I really don’t know what I’d do.

I blow out a slow, shaky breath, my trembling fingers joining together as a way of stabilising them. “The truth is, the reason I left Clay is because I realised I had feelings for, uh, someone else.”

I fix my eyes on the floor, unable to bring my gaze to look at my brother, my cheeks burning red at the thought of what I’m about to admit and the girl I’m admitting it about.

Will starts to laugh.

Like a full-on belly laugh. I look up and see his head tipped back as he laughs to the point he cries. My stomach turns into knots as I look at him in anxious confusion. “What is so funny?”

“Oh, Alex. My sweet little sister.” Will snorts, wiping his eyes with the heels of his hands. “You’ve finally accepted you like girls, huh?”

I take one look at my brother, the sweet smile on his face, the lack of judgement or resentment in his eyes, and I just crumble and burst into tears. For so long, I have held in the fear of my family not accepting who I am, never acting on anything in fear of being caught and cast out of my family like a black sheep.

“Hey,” Will says, pulling me close and letting me cry on his shoulder. “You’re not supposed to cry. You’re supposed to be happy, aren’t you?”

“I am happy.” I laugh, finally composing myself enough to wipe my eyes with my fingers. “I’m just so, so relieved.”

I let out a shuddering breath and let my brother hold me close, relief flooding through me like water breaking through a crack in a dam. All I wanted through all of this was to be accepted by my family, and Will being okay with it is the first step to me finally being fine with who I am.

And that thought makes me feel a hell of a lot better, and I forget about my problems for a split moment.

“I think tonight, we should sit down with mom and dad and have this talk as a family,” Will says, squeezing my shoulder comfortingly. “I have a feeling you’ll be pleasantly surprised with the outcome.”

“Yeah,” I say, blowing a heavy breath out as I finally begin to compose myself. “I think you’re right.”

~•~

I can’t stop my knee from bouncing. My gaze is fixed on my knee jumping up and down at a rapid, erratic pace, my fingers wringing in my lap as I wait for my parents to get home. I can’t keep still, my nerves rising with every passing minute that I sit here, waiting for them to walk in through the door and sit down.

I’m finally doing this.

“Hey,” Will says as he enters the room. He hands me a glass of water, the liquid sloshing onto my hands as I take it from his grasp, a comforting smile on his face. “You don’t have any reason to be nervous, you know?”

“Well, that’s easy for you to say.” I try and force out a laugh, but it comes out more as a wheeze. “You’re not about to come out to your parents.”

“Like I said to you earlier.” Will throws himself on the couch beside me, giving my shoulder an encouraging squeeze. “I think you’ll be fine.”

I have just started to relax when I hear the front door open and shut, my parents’ voices calling out around the empty house, alerting the pair of us that they’re home. My anxiety spikes again, and my knee starts to bounce again.

I see my dad first, his familiar tired smile pulling at his face. He’s wearing a large coat, snow latching onto the fur collar and parts of his fringe. I hadn’t noticed it had even started to snow. “Hey kiddo, have you been here all day?”

My dad catches sight of Will, and it’s like a surge of energy breaks through his body, a whoop leaving his lips as he drags my brother into a hug, his hands mussing up his hair in the process. I forgot that my brother probably hadn’t seen either of my parents since he got back – both of them have been at work for the past few days. I hear the clicking of my mom’s heels on the hardwood floor, followed by a gasp and an increase in pace before I see her wrap her arms around both my brother and my dad, a genuine smile on her face as she holds her son.

It’s a great thing to watch, and my heart swells when my mom opens her eyes and urges me to join in, my body being enveloped by both of my parents.

“Oh, it’s so good to see the both of you in the same room again.” My mom sniffles as she kisses every available inch of skin on both my and my brother’s faces, her long nails scratching my head the way she used to when I was little. “Why didn’t you tell us you were back, Will?”

My brother shrugs his shoulders once he’s released from my parents’ grip. “I wanted to surprise you.”

“We’re definitely surprised.” My dad chuckles, throwing his arm over my brother’s shoulders. “How’s your game been so far? Have you got a good throwing percentage? Are you showing them who’s boss?”

I watch as my parents catch up with my brother, as I try and swallow the anxiety building in my chest. Soon enough, the attention will fall to me, and I know that I have to come out with it sooner or later. My brother knows, the whole school knows, and it won’t take long before the information filters down to my parents that they have a gay daughter. It won’t matter if I try to explain that I’m bisexual, I’m with a girl. The rumour mill will swirl around, and soon enough, it will twist my relationship with Clay until he’s merely my beard.

“Alex?” I hear my dad call out, and I realise that I’d entered a daydream, or, well, a nightmare. I look and see him staring at me with concern. I cringe, really not wanting to be the girl that breaks up the family reunion. I’d rather put this on hold and let my brother have this moment with my family.

“Hmm?” I say innocently, shrinking away at the look my father is currently giving me. “What?”

“We’ve been trying to talk to you for the past five minutes and you’ve been staring off into space.” His thick eyebrows pull together into a line, concern overwhelming his features, his gaze staring straight into my soul. “What’s on your mind?”

“Ah,” I say, shrugging off his attempts to get me to talk with a wave of my hand. “It can wait, Will is back and this is his moment with you guys.”

“No. It can’t.” My mom states firmly, sitting down on the couch directly across from me. “We barely see you because of work, which is our fault, but I am so so sorry about it. But you are still our babies, and you should be able to tell us anything.”

“You can tell us anything, kiddo. You know that,” my dad says, resting his hand on my shoulder. “We have never judged you, and we never will…”

“I have a girlfriend.” I had to interrupt my dad, because if I held that in any longer, I would’ve just chickened out. My voice is shaking just as hard as my hands, and I have to sit on them to try and squash the potent mixture of nerves and terror that is coursing through my veins at this current moment. “I have a girlfriend, and I like girls, and I hope you don’t hate me for it. The last thing I want to do is disappoint you, but I can’t help the way I feel.”

The room is so silent that you could hear a pin drop. My dad is staring at me open-mouthed, and my mom is just staring off into space, almost as if she didn’t hear me. My hands start to shake even under the weight of my body, and my brother rests his hand on my shoulder in complete and utter support.

“I, for one, think it’s fine.” My brother says, his eyes darting across the room from me to my mother and back to my dad. Neither of them have said anything or moved. “Dad?”

“Well, it’s a bit of a shock, Alexandra,” Dad says in a measured voice, his eyes flickering over to mom as well. She still hasn’t moved from her spot frozen on the couch, worry gnawing at my gut the longer she stays quiet. “I thought you were still with Clay. Hell, we both did. Right, Kathy?”

“Excuse me.” My mother says bluntly, pushing herself out of her spot on the couch and leaving the room without so much as a glance towards me. Both my brother and dad frown at her sudden leave, and I feel my chest tighten with panic at the realisation that my worst nightmare could be coming true in front of my eyes.

My dad turns to look at me and offers me a small smile, ruffling my hair with his large hand. “I don’t care who you love, kiddo. So long as you’re happy – and don’t wear a suit on your wedding day – I’m happy you’re happy. You just took both of us by surprise, and I’m sure that your mother is fine with it. She just doesn’t take surprises well.”

I smile and breathe a small sigh of relief, letting my dad wipe my eyes with the pads of his thumbs as a few rebellious tears spill from my eyes. “You’re still my daughter, Alexandra. I’ll love you unconditionally until the day I die. You liking girls is not going to change that.”

I hear shuffling and look up to see my mom returning to the room with two shoe-sized boxes in her arms, one labelled with my name and the other with Will’s scrawled across the top. “I was planning on giving these to you two on your twenty-first birthdays, but now it seems like as good a time as any.”

She hands us our boxes before taking a seat next to my dad, an unreadable expression on her face. I open my box to find several small envelopes with my name written in various writing styles and colours. I recognise my late grandma’s writing immediately, a small smile on my face as I pick up the fading paper. “I had the idea to get the family to write their predictions about you two when you were both seven and seal them in envelopes until you were older. There is one from every member of the family about what they imagined you’d end up doing with your lives.”

I smile softly as I open them up one after another, reading the various accomplishments my family had predicted for me. My uncle thought I’d be playing division one soccer for the UPenn men’s team, and my granddad thought that I’d be in medical school and engaged. All my grandma wrote was ‘happy’, and that made me a little bit emotional, knowing that she was always a simple woman that wanted the best for me, no matter what form it came in.

The last two letters are clearly from my parents. I’d recognise the neat, elegant font that my mother writes anywhere. I open my dad’s first, trying my best to understand his barely legible scribbles.

Alex will be on a soccer scholarship for UPenn. She captained her high school team to state, and now captains the college team. Arsenal wants to sign her, but she wants to finish her degree in physiotherapy before she moves across the pond, as I raised her to be both responsible and reckless. I’ll be proud of her no matter what she ends up doing. I love you, kiddo, from dad.

I smile softly as I lean across the gap between the sofas to plant a kiss on my dad’s cheek, his sweet and creepily accurate message to future me refreshing to read.

And then comes my mom’s. My hands shake slightly as I slide my thumb under the seal to open up the message she wrote to me nearly ten years ago.

My darling Alexandra. I hope that no matter what you end up doing with your life, you are happy with the path that you carved for yourself. I hope that you continue to pursue soccer because it makes you happy and that you enjoy your teenage years whilst you can. I hope that you give yourself time to play alongside the hard work I no doubt know you have put in, and perhaps you have found your person to share it with. Maybe you’ve found yourself a girlfriend, as you’ve never really expressed interest in boys other than Clay. I promise it doesn’t matter who you give your heart to, so long as they give you the world. I hope that by 21, you have not only found the path you want to pursue, but also yourself. Just know that I love you, and I will always be proud of you, even if I’m not around to remind you. Love, your mom.

My hands are vibrating as I cry onto the note I’m gripping like a lifeline, my vision blurry as I struggle to compose myself. I smell my mother’s expensive perfume as she envelopes me in a hug, my head resting on her shoulder as she soothingly strokes my hair.

“I’m so proud of you, baby.” My mum whispers in my ear as she kisses my head. “I am proud of you for finding yourself.”

~•~

Alex’s gorgeous and hella supportive big brother is played by the ever so handsome Logan Lerman.

I hope you guys like this chapter! It’s something I’ve been trying to factor in for a while but never found the right moment. I have to admit, the way her parents reacted and what they said is very similar to the way my family reacted. The line about Alex not wearing a suit to her wedding was the exact words my dad said to me when I told him, so this chapter means a lot.

This story is on the final stretch now I’m afraid, not much longer to go! I have a few more loose ends to tie up before I’ll put you all out of your misery and give you the ending you’ve all been loyally waiting for!!

ALSO 600k are you guys KIDDING ME!! Thank you so much for all of the reads and the comments, I read every single one of them!! I recently read an entire 30 message chain between two of you and I couldn’t stop laughing!

SO thank you, seriously. You guys rock.

Lots of love and gratitude to you all!!

Lauryn xoxo