Chapter 42

029

• 𝐄𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥𝐞 •

─────✧･ﾟ: *✧･

☄. *. ⋆ Estelle Harrington was no stranger to sleep paralysis.

She barely slept, but the rare occasions where she’d be able to, she’d be met with the creak of her door opening, then open her eyes to shadows wandering her room.

Sometimes they’d be tall, lanky, humanoid silhouettes. Maybe with glowing dots for eyes, maybe with stringy hair, but they were always shadows. The shadows would even somewhat resemble her parents sometimes. Maybe Oscar, if they were feeling especially hurtful.

And she’d hear things, too. Often a low grumbling voice speaking her name, or unspecified things with the feeling of a threat.

Some nights, they’d stand beside her bed, staring down at her.

Others, their fingers would sneak over the door frame, and they’d get closer with every blink. Occasionally she’d feel them climbing onto the bed, hovering above her.

And she had no choice but to let it happen, because she couldn’t move. She was helpless.

It was partly why she rarely slept, but most nights it was just because her mind wouldn’t drift off into a slumber. She’d simply lie there until the birds sang from outside and the sun met the sky again.

Plus, when she did sleep, it was never more than three hours, and if it wasn’t sleep paralysis, it was nightmares.

With one exception.

The five minutes just months ago that caught on replay the rare nights she wouldn’t be plagued by nightmares of her last memories with Ozzy, or of anything. Or sleep paralysis.

The sound of Max’s voice, the feeling of her heart crumbling away as their relationship did, the tears prickling at the corner of her eyes.

Even then, she never called it a nightmare. It was rather a breath of air that wasn’t fresh, but less intoxicating.

At least she got to hear that voice.

At least she got, just for a moment, to remember what it was like to be around the girl again. At least she got to see her face again.

Better her heart breaking; better the last time she spoke to Max than the state of mind that followed it.

Although tonight was not one of the sleepless nights, nor the memory she knew as the closest thing to a good dream she had anymore. Tonight was her least favorite of the three options.

Stella’s eyes shot open as she sat up, her limbs bursting with movement that had been restricted moments before.

The shadows were gone, there was no longer figures looking down on her from her ceiling anymore. It wasn’t real. She repeated that to herself as she calmed her ragged breathing. Fuck, how she hated sleep paralysis.

Unable and frankly afraid to return to sleep, Stella did what she usually did, rather than take the third pill of her prescription that night.

The girl made her way over to her lamp before pulling the string that illuminated the lightbulb. She made her way to her closet, pulling out a small dime bag from a box as she rubbed her eye. Joining the bag, she grabbed a joint before moving to her desk.

She emptied some of the bag onto the paper, watching the leaves fall onto it before she rolled it up and held it between her lips.

After opening her window and climbing out to sit on the roof, the wooshing sound of fire rising from her pinky broke the silence of the cool night.

The scent of the marijuana was quick to take off, although it didn’t bother her anymore. Stella remembered when it had. She inhaled deeply, let it fill her lungs, feeling the damage it did but also the relief it brought that was too blinding to make her care about the first. She pulled the paper from her mouth as she sighed, lying back onto the roof, staring at the stars.

She shivered. Her hands instinctively warmed until she stopped them, deciding to leave herself to the cold.

It was 4:07 am when Stella decided to return to her room.

She clenched her jaw, sucking in a quick wince as she pressed what was left of the joint into her knee. It hissed against her skin as it was snuffed out.

With a shaky exhale and mere hour of sleep, she decided to start getting ready for school.

She paused as she pulled on her cheer uniform, something she found herself doing more often.

People had stopped asking by now, stopped staring as much at the faded pink scarring that tainted her shoulder, just barely visible under the shirt. At this point, most knew she had been “injured by debris in the mall fire,” hadn’t had any idea they were a year ahead. She realized over time it was rather easy to lie about.

Still, she couldn’t help but use concealer, no matter how many people knew about  it and no matter how frustrated at herself she was for it.

–

☄. *. ⋆ “And then there’s Heidi tomorrow night, but the problem with Heidi is that she’s going out of state for college,” Steve continued to rant about various girls. He’d been going on dates pretty frequently, trying to find ‘the one’. “So, it’s like, do I really wanna start another relationship that has no point other than sex?”

Stella cringed as the boy continued, staring out at the passing trees with a bagel she knew she wouldn’t eat held between her teeth as she moved her bag.

“I mean, I don’t know. Does that make sense to you?” He looked to Robin, but she didn’t respond.

“Robin, are you listening to me!?”

“Uh, yes, I- I’m listening,” Robin stammered, bringing her mascara down from her face.

“What did I just say?” Steve asked, wanting her to prove that she was paying attention.

Robin wasn’t, though. “You said something about sex! With- with Linda.”

“No! I’m talking about Heidi!”

“Cut me some slack, please!” Robin waved her hands around. “Your love life is one of labyrinthine complexity, and it is seven in the morning, we have to go this stupid pep rally, and I woke up looking like a total corpse!” She dragged her hands down her face. “Why not rant to Essie some time!?”

“Because Essie never listens to me.”

“Stop calling me that,” Stella muttered from the back seat, bagel in her hand now. She sunk back into her chair as she spoke up for the first time all morning. She was listening. She had been. Part of her chest panged at the accusation that she didn’t care, but she couldn’t blame him.

“And Robin, you’re worried about a basketball pep rally? You expect me to believe that?” Steve said in a knowing tone. Robin rolled her eyes, “Yeah. So?” she asked, moving to dig through her makeup bag.

“So, we both know what this is about, I’m not buying that bullshit, this is about Vickie!” Steve stated for her.

It was some day Stella couldn’t exactly place, months ago, she had found out that she was more similar to Robin than she thought.

“So… the girl you’re always with?”

“Hm?” Stella glanced up at Robin, face a mixture of confusion and curiosity.”Oh, Max?”

“Yeah,” Robin nodded, the name obviously just came back to her memory. “Um… you two…”

“We’re dating,” Stella answered for her after not too much consideration. Part of her didn’t care, and part of her just found she trusted Robin. Although, it was hard not to trust someone you almost died with, Stella guessed.

“Oh!” Robin brows and pitch raised. For a split second, Stella wondered if she should’ve said what she did, but she was quick to catch that she was simply surprised. “Okay. Yeah, I was wondering that, but… I wasn’t sure if I should’ve asked, or if it’s even my business, well it isn’t, but–“

“It’s fine,” Stella cut her off, an amused and honestly relieved smile tugging at her lips. “The others already know, so…” she shrugged.

Robin nodded, her expression seemingly thoughtful. Stella noticed, brows furrowing. “What is it?”

“Nothing,” Robin shook her head quickly. Then she decided to speak again, seemingly after hesitation. “It’s just… um, I… Steve tried to confess to me a while back.”

Stella’s eyes widened. “Really?”

“Yeah. But I had to explain that I didn’t feel the same way. That I… I couldn’t…” she was searching for words, but Stella had a feeling she was catching on. “Because he’s… a guy?” She asked carefully.

Robin gave a look with what probably couldn’t even be called a nod, but Stella understood all the same.

“Absolutely not,” Robin denied the accusation, but everyone in the car knew it was obviously true.

“Yes, it is! And you know what else I think?” Steve continued.

“I really don’t care–“

“I think you gotta stop being someone else when you’re around her,” he persisted. “Okay, you just gotta… just gotta be yourself.”

“You’re literally quoting me to me. You do realize that?” Robin pointed out. Steve went on while Stella flipped through a homework packet she didn’t do with her free hand, debating whether or not it was worth completing. “Well, maybe you need to listen to yourself. You ever think about that, smarty pants? I listened to you, now look at me. Boom. Back in business.”

“It’s not the same thing, okay?”

Steve shrugged. “Well…”

Robin shook her head. “You ask out a girl, and she says no,” she hypothesized. “Big deal. Nothing happens. Maybe your ego’s a little bruised, but I ask out the wrong girl and bam! I’m a town pariah.”

“Yeah, I’d buy that, except that Vickie is definitely not the wrong girl.”

“We just don’t know that, do we?”

“She returned Fast Times paused at fifty-three minutes, five seconds,” Steve reminded. “Do you know who pauses Fast Times at fifty-three minutes, five seconds?”

Stella knew that one. She and her locked door were quite the fans of it. She shoved her homework back in her bag after skimming through it.

“People who like boobies, Robin!” Steve exclaimed, and Robin cringed. “Ew, gross. Don’t say boobies!”

“It’s not a big deal. I like boobies, you like boobies, Essie likes boobies…”

“Steve,” the girl muttered from the backseat, and Steve gave her a look that was almost an apology.

“Vickie likes boobies!” He kept going. “Definitely.”

Robin said nothing, shaking her head with her mouth agape.

“It’s boobies.”

Stella sighed. Her bagel was tossed out of the window.

–

☄. *. ⋆ There had been a point in time where Stella Harrington realized she had nothing left.

Max had distanced herself from everyone, including Stella, who she had broken up with a couple months after the Byers moved away.

Stella guessed she understood. She had just wished Max came to her with any problems. She would’ve helped– or tried to.

And losing Max was enough to break Stella.

Max was Stella’s light, and that light went out.

Stella’s response was to push everyone away. Her brother, her friends, and she would have done the same to anyone else, but they were really all she had. Oscar included, although she didn’t get the choice of pushing him away.

Now Stella was alone.

And it was nobody’s fault but hers.

Stella’s way of dealing with it was burying herself in smiles and trendy clothes and popularity and…

Dennis Farmer.

“Hey, babe,” Dennis’s arm wrapped around Stella’s waist, stopping her on her way to the gym. Her gut churned, her eyes squeezing shut before she forced a smile and turned to face her boyfriend.

“Hi,” she replied, uncomfortable with the lack of distance between them. Dennis only held her tighter, pulling her closer. His hand trailed down as he spoke. “You’re cheering for me at the rally, yeah?”

Stella went stiff. “Yeah,” she giggled, one that anyone who knew her- really knew her -would have known was forced. “I have to be there soon, but I’ll see you–“

She was cut off by a hand on her jaw and Dennis’s lips on hers.

She didn’t kiss back. She never did. She sort of just stood while his lips met hers.

Dennis’s hand kept making it’s way down her back, reaching below her waist as she tensed. His hand moved up her skirt, and she shot away from him, circling to the other side of her boyfriend. “Gotta get to the gym,” the girl smiled, Dennis turning in his spot to face her.

Stella caught a glimpse of red hair from behind Dennis. It was familiar, and only made her tense more. She turned heel before she could even let her eyes shoot down to the redhead’s face. Before she could meet the eyes she already felt on her.

Bile crept up her throat as she fiddled with the sleeve of her sweatshirt, an uneasy feeling in her stomach as she walked away hoping Dennis wouldn’t follow.

–

☄. *. ⋆ The crowd cheered as Stella was caught from her back tuck, immediately being stunted back up. She held her stomach tight as she balanced among the few hands supporting her, her arms going up as she smiled.

The boys holding her up launched her back into the air, and she spun as she fell back into their arms. They placed her back down and she blew a kiss to the students shouting from the bleachers.

She moved in front of the other cheerleaders, getting a running start before she went. A roundoff, double backhandspring, then a full. She stuck it when the music from the school’s marching band stopped, timing it perfectly.

She grabbed her pompoms from the ground, shaking them before making her way to the bleachers with the other cheerleaders.

The smile left her face the instant people stopped looking at her expression as the announcer’s voice came through the speakers. “And let’s hear it for your tigers!”

Jason Carver ran through a paper banner, the rest of the basketball team following behind as the crowd cheered.

Lucas Sinclair was one of the last to enter, a smile beaming on his face as he clapped his hands.

His smile was genuine. And for a moment, Stella envied him.

“Good morning, Hawkins High!” Jason shouted into a microphone, and Stella snapped out of her daze. The crowd went crazy at those simple words, and Stella rolled her eyes, trying to act like she didn’t see Dennis amongst the basketball team.

The school worshipped four people. Jason Carver, Chrissy Cunningham, Dennis Farmer, and Estelle Harrington. The two royal couples in their school. Everyone was so full of shit in that place.

“First off…” Jason began. “Hey, first off.”

Jason began his spiel. Stella had seen it coming, been preparing herself to zone out, and refrain from glancing up at anyone she knew. Which was particularly hard, because she had managed an accidental glimpse at Max earlier, behind her to the left, and was now fighting the urge to take just one look.

She looked ahead, hearing her name amongst everything. Brown eyes scanned everyone in front of her, but none seemed to be grabbing for her attention. Stella sighed in frustration. Maybe the lack of sleep really was getting to her, she’d hear her name underneath most sounds nowadays. Even under her favorite song, she would swear she could hear it whispered between verses, when the singer’s voice would enunciate her t’s a little too clearly.

Jason unfortunately caught Stella’s attention when his demeanor shifted. “I think I can speak for all of us when I say…”

Here we go.

“It’s been a tough year for Hawkins.”

Stella scoffed. Who was Jason to be talking about a tough year? Who was Jason Carver to talk instead of the parents of the flayed? Instead of the sisters? The brothers? The friends?

Who was Jason Carver instead of Estelle Harrington?

Instead of Max Mayfield?

“So much loss. And sometimes I wonder, ‘How much loss can one community take?'” His attempt at some motivational speech drew on. “In dark days like this, we need something to believe in.”

A big part of Stella didn’t want to see where this was going.

“So, last night, when we were down by ten points at half to Christian Academy, I looked at my team,” Jason pointed back at the teenage boys standing in a line, matching jerseys on all of them. “And I said, ‘Think of Jack.'”

Stella’s jaw grew taut instantly.

“‘Think of Melissa,'” he kept listing, and Stella could only wish for him to shut up.

“‘Think of Heather. Think of Billy.'”

Oh, God.

Stella still didn’t look behind her.

“‘Think of Oscar.'”

She was going to be sick.

She felt it, low in her throat, the creeping taste, the burning. Polished nails buried themselves in her forearm.

Jason didn’t care about Ozzy. He didn’t know Ozzy. He had seen his name in the news. He had heard of him through Lucas.

“‘Think of our heroic police chief, Jim Hopper.'”

Stella missed El. Missed sending her letters.

That was her fault, too.

“‘Think about every one of our friends who perished in that fire. What did they die for? For us to lose to some… some crap school?'”

What did they die for?

Ozzy died for Stella. In her place.

Billy died for Eleven. For all of them.

What did they die for?

“‘For us to return home with our heads hung low in defeat?'”

How much longer could Stella listen to this before she burned the gym down?

“‘No! No. Let’s win this game! Let’s win this game for them.’ And that’s exactly what we did!” He was screaming into the microphone now, and people cheered. They fucking cheered. “We embarrassed those candy-asses in their own house and now tonight… tonight, we’re gonna bring home the championship trophy!”

Half of the best players from the girl’s middle school team left the town after 1985 and everything before it, meanwhile others just quit when Stella did. It could’ve been them bringing home that trophy. It would have.

It should have.

─────✧･ﾟ: *✧･

this is lowk just setting stuff up sooo kinda boring but 😓

also! as of june 4th i’ll have no internet until the 11th, sooo i won’t be active for then