Chapter 10

“I feel like a moron.” Annie pulled her boots on, “I live in sweats and sneakers. I feel like a monkey in a costume. Why am I doing this again? Didn’t we just come to the conclusion that I’ve just been barking up the wrong tree?”

“I’m horrible at reading situations, but Annie, you aren’t. I know you think it’s the right tree. The tree’s just too stubborn to admit it.” Alex gave Annie a reassuring squeeze across the shoulder, “So I think it’s fair game to call out the tree for its stupidity.”

“Why now? Honestly, I think this is just going to end badly. Maybe this fun, flirty thing we have is fine.”

Jess crossed her arms, “Annie, really! You’ve been lovesick for the past couple of days that we’ve been here, and god knows how long before that. Whatever you have right now with Cal is definitely not fine.”

“Hey, you’re one to talk — it took you guys years to figure it out. It’s only been six months for me and Cal… and she has a dead wife,” Annie suddenly groaned and sank in the couch, her head in her hands.

“Totally different, Annabelle,” Alex said, sitting down next to Annie, “Jess and I lived different lives on different continents. Us being together wasn’t in the realm of possibility… she was straight!”

“Mostly. Mostly straight,” Jess interjected, struggling to keep a smile off her face.

Annie caught a charged look that passed between the two women, “Oh my god you two, just go get a room already. And while you’re at it, pour more lemon juice on my gaping wound and rub some salt into it for good measure. Geez!”

“Sorry, Annabelle,” Alex looked genuinely remorseful, “Sorry. I didn’t mean to walk us into that one.”

Jess smiled as she held out Annie’s coat, “As my friend Cathy likes to say, ‘Bite the bullet,’ this in-between limbo space you are in is not sustainable.”

“So what you’re saying is, it’s going to suck either way,” Annie mumbled as she put her coat on, “Maybe I should go to Arizona with you guys and never come back.”

Half an hour later, Annie was ringing the buzzer outside Cal’s apartment building. I really feel like an idiot.

“ANNIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” The unmistakable shriek from Adrian came spiraling through the elevator shaft.

“Hey, shorty!” Annie gave the boy a big hug as the elevator doors slid open.

Adrian led Annie into his home, breathless with excitement, “Everyone’s here! Grammie, and um, Paw-Paw and Goong-goong, and um, Grammie and Pops!”

Annie put on a brave smile and threw her coat onto the bench by the front door, “Okay! Let’s go see ’em!” Christ almighty, I forgot they were all going to be here this week. Annie thought Cal would open the door, step out and they’d head to the party. But no, apparently this was going to be her version of “Meet the Parents”.

Cal was helping Jamie put together the last few pieces of her Lego set when Annie walked into the living room. Cal glanced up quickly and did a double take. Wow. Cal couldn’t stop staring. Jamie, noting her mother’s distraction, extracted the black Darth Vader head from between Cal’s inattentive fingers and triumphantly snapped it into place, “Finished! Mommy, look!”

Cal gave her daughter a sidelong smile, but quickly returned her gaze towards Annie, “Hi!” The greeting sounded strange coming out of her mouth, she sounded more surprised than she intended to. The other adults in the room had quieted down with Annie’s arrival, and were now looking between Cal and Annie with growing interest.

“Annie, we made Darth Vader!” Jamie waved her Lego figure in front of Annie before she tore out of the room shouting, “I’m going to show Adrian!”

“Hey Cal,” Annie said quietly. She looked around the room and waved a hand at no one in particular, “Hello everyone from Cal’s family whom I haven’t met!”

Cal remained speechless. Annie’s eyes were sparkling. Her hair was down, the ends just grazing her shoulders. Her mouth was curled up in a cute, sexy, grin. Annie has a dimple when she smiles like that. How have I never noticed that before? I must have noticed it before. Let me think–

Cal’s head snapped up and turned towards her mother, “Yeah! Hey, mom. What’s up?”

Kate Warner rolled her eyes, “I really raised you better than this you know, Callan.” She turned to Annie and extended her hand, “Hi, I’m Cal’s mom. Please, call me Kate.”

“Hi Kate, it’s nice to meet you,” Annie liked Kate immediately. She was an older, shorter version of Cal, with blonde hair that was closely cropped in a no-nonsense style.

Cal stood up, “I’m sorry. Darth Vader was a little distracting. Everyone, this is Annie, Annie, this is everyone: that’s dad, that’s mom, you’ve met Torrey and Brandon, that’s my sister-in-law Gina, you know May and David of course, and last but not least, that’s Becca’s brother Alan and his wife Heather.”

Annie’s eyes swept the room, and realized that everyone was looking at Cal as she made introductions. Wondering why, she turned to Cal. Their eyes locked. Oh great. Now what? They were all looking at Cal who was looking at me. “It’s nice to meet you all!” Annie looped some hair behind each ear.

“I’m delighted to meet you; Robert Warner,” Cal’s father stepped forward.

“Hi,” Annie shook his hand.

“You’ve met Torrey and Brandon already?”

Annie nodded, “Yes, we’ve met.”

May came over and gave her a hug, “Good to see you Annie. Going out with Cal tonight?” May asked with a knowing look. Annie blushed.

“We better get going, actually,” Cal cut in, “Let me go grab my coat.”

“Cal’s been talking a lot about you,” Robert mused.

“I have not!” Cal yelled from the front hallway.

Yes she has! Mouthed Kate, smiling conspiratorally.

Jamie, Adrian, and their two cousins came running back into the room and saved Annie from responding to Kate’s comment. Jamie tugged on Annie’s sleeve, “Annie, are you staying for dinner?”

“No honey,” Annie ruffled the girl’s hair, “But maybe we can hang out later this week or something, okay?”

“Kay! Hey guys, let’s go check and see if the glue’s dried! Come on!”

Cal stuck her head back into the living room after dodging the kids’ stampede, “Annie, you ready?”

Annie nodded. She shrugged apologetically, “Sorry, it appears it is time to go.”

“Come by after dinner! We’d love to spend more time with you,” Kate smiled warmly at Annie, “Have fun!”

Cal gave a cursory wave and opened the door for Annie. Just before she closed the door, Cal yelled out, “Just a public service announcement: it might be a good idea for someone to check in on what the glue situation is with the kids!”

The moment the front door shut, May looked around the room and said, “See! Do you see what I mean now?”

Everyone nodded. Torrey smiled as he stretched his legs out in front of him, “I think you’d have to be blind not to see it. But unfortunately, Cal is doing her level best to make like a bat and flap around in the dark.”

“Robert, you talk to her when she comes back,” Kate nudged her husband.

Robert snorted, “And when has she ever listened to me?”

Outside the apartment building, Cal gave Annie a sideways hug as they headed to the cross-town bus stop, “I can’t believe you agreed to come with me to this work thing tonight.”

“There will be free booze, and you promised to buy me dinner afterwards,” Annie shrugged, “No brainer.”

“I don’t think anyone would say that an evening with corporate lawyers and their bad tax law jokes are what constitute a no-brainer, but fine, whatever floats your boat.”

“Is that senior partner guy going to be there? He was older, was in the grey suit and blue polka dot tie at the Benefit? Glasses?”

Cal thought about it for a moment, “Steve Roland. Yeah, probably, why?”

“He was nice. He really is quite fond of you… kept telling me about Becca and you.”

Cal’s smiled, “He hired me out of law school, and I came out to him pretty soon afterwards. He didn’t even blink he was so cool with it. He took me under his wing; he thought Becca was amazing. Actually, Steve was the one who officiated at our wedding. He pinged me a couple of times asking if he could visit when Becca was sick.”

Annie linked her arm through Cal’s, knowing that memories were swirling around in Cal’s head.

“That was hard,” Cal continued, “Watching people’s faces change when they came to visit. Becca was so weak, so inundated with drugs. And it wasn’t until people visited that I would realize how different she looked, how sick she looked.”

Without thinking, Annie took Cal’s hand and squeezed. Cal opened her hand, laced her fingers between Annie’s and squeezed back. “I’ve never told anyone that before.”

“It’s not an easy thing to talk about.”

“It’s easy when you’re the one listening.” Cal liked walking with Annie, hand in hand. It felt so right and it scared Cal as much as it delighted her. It made her realize that she and Annie had been dancing around their growing closeness. Cal knew that there was something going on, but she didn’t want to talk about it, mostly because if they did, she’d have to deal with it. And selfishly, she didn’t want to deal with it. When they got to the bus stop, Cal gently disengaged her hand and used it to pull out her phone, “Just want to make sure there haven’t been any texts about the kids from my mom or May.”

Annie smiled as best she could. It was moments like this one that threw a harsh light onto her predicament. Annie knew Cal liked holding hands as much as she did. But Cal always disengaged. It felt having a recurring dream that never reaches its conclusion. Time to bite the bullet, just like Jess said.

“Cal, what are we doing?”

Cal slid the phone back into her pocket, “We’re going to drinks. With the boring lawyers.”

Annie shook her head, “I mean, you and me. What are we doing?”

“We’re hanging out. Like we always do.” Cal smiled uneasily, sensing that Annie was about to give voice to the very issue Cal had just been thinking about.

“Yeah, except you and me, we don’t hang out with other people. We are together, all the time. All. The. Time. And I love it. I love spending time with the kids, I love spending time with you. I love having dinner with you and thinking that only an hour has gone by but when I look up, I realize we are the only ones left in the restaurant and they are closing up. When I’m with you, I think about how much I’m going to miss you when we say goodbye. In any other circumstance, I’d be thinking that I’ve been going on these amazing dates with this awesome person. And I know you’ve said you’re not ready to date, but I think you feel something for me, just like I do for you… So that’s why I’m asking: what are we doing?”

Cal’s stomach lurched. Fuck. “We’re just hanging out,” Cal said lamely. She knew she was being unfair to Annie. But she couldn’t say the words she knew Annie wanted her to say.

The piercing squeal of brakes announced the arrival of the bus. Passengers got off the bus and made their way around Cal and Annie.

Annie nodded and looked at the bus as her eyes started to shine with tears, “Okay, Cal. I get it. I’m not pushing you to do anything you don’t want to do. I really am not.” Annie took a breath, “But we — I mean, me — I can’t do this, whatever it is, anymore. I… I like you too much.”

Cal’s heart was soaring… and breaking. She couldn’t bear seeing Annie so sad, so hurt. Just let her go, Cal. “Annie, I’m so sorry. I never meant to put you in this position. I understand why you can’t do this anymore. I haven’t been fair to you. I’m sorry.”

Annie stared at Cal, too stunned by Cal’s words to say anything other than, “I’m sorry, too.”

The two of them gazed sadly at each other, the finality of their conversation slowly sinking in. The doors of the bus hissed and snapped closed. With a dull, tired groan, the bus rumbled east, leaving Cal and Annie alone again at the bus stop.

Annie sniffed, “Okay,” she said quietly, “Okay. I need to go. I have to go… Good night, Cal.” Annie placed a gentle kiss on Cal’s cheek, turned, and walked away.

Cal couldn’t move. Annie’s kiss felt like a fiery brand. She watched Annie walk away, shoulders hunched. Cal knew Annie was crying, knew that there were a million things she should be doing to make things right, but she just stood there, watching, until Annie reached the end of the block, made a turn, and disappeared from view.

Annie collapsed into a heap the moment she got home. It had taken all of her self-control not to run back to Cal as she walked away. She wiped her coat sleeve across her face and took a deep breath.

Alex walked out to see her best friend sitting on the floor in the entryway, tears streaming down her face. She crouched down and pulled Annie into a hug, “Oh, Bella-bear. What happened?”

“I told her I couldn’t do this anymore. And she said, ‘okay.'” Annie sobbed.

Jess sat down on the other side of Annie and stroked her arm gently, “I’m sorry, Annie.”

Annie looked up and leaned her head against the door, “She didn’t even hesitate. She just… she just…” Annie’s throat cramped up, “She just let me walk away.” And with those painful words spoken, Annie buried her face in Alex’s shoulder and cried.

The three sat without talking until Annie’s breath no longer hitched with sobs. Alex fetched a tub of ice cream from the freezer and three spoons from the kitchen.

“Arizona is beautiful this time of year. And the snow at the Canyon is pristine. None of the slushy dirty snow business that one has to deal with in New York…” Alex mused as she chewed on her spoon.

Annie sighed, “Tickets are going to be highway robbery at this point, and there’s no way I’m going to be able to get a room.”

“Room with Nick. He’d welcome the company: he was just whinging about being the odd one out.”

“What happened to Sofia?” Annie sniffed.

Jess rolled her eyes, “Who knows. My brother’s dating patterns are a mystery to me.”

Alex grabbed her phone, “I’m going to see if I can get you on our flight tomorrow with my miles… give me a mo.”