Chapter 9

“How are you so good at this?”

Annie shook her head, “I am not. But I do have three older siblings who all have children, so I guess some stuff must have seeped in through osmosis…”

The full force of a week’s worth of emotional and physical fatigue hit Cal all of a sudden. She leaned forward and buried her face in her palms. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

Annie was by Cal’s side immediately. She ran her hand up and down Cal’s back, “Hey…”

“I’m okay,” Cal mumbled through her hands, “Just give me a minute.”

When she felt Cal relax slightly, Annie slid behind Cal and extended a leg on each side of Cal’s body, “Lean back.”

Cal looked behind her, “What?”

“Lean back,” Annie repeated as she motioned for Cal to recline, “Come on, Warner, just do it.”

Cal knew she shouldn’t, but every fiber of her being was screaming for Annie’s attention. With a deep breath, she complied and leaned back. Annie began a slow relaxing massage; she started with Cal’s head, and worked her way down Cal’s neck, shoulders, and upper arms. Neither one spoke, both women quietly taking stock of that moment. It would be too simplistic to say that they were enjoying their closeness — the labyrinth of emotions and expectations wouldn’t allow for it — but it was incontrovertible that they both needed it… and both wanted it.

When Cal opened her eyes, the room was dark. She blinked as she looked at the clock: 1:23am. She realized she was still lying on Annie, and Annie’s arms were wrapped around her chest. At some point, Annie had pulled a blanket over them. Cal closed her eyes and listened to Annie’s steady breathing. I must have fallen asleep. Oh Christ! And then she was stuck. Cal stayed still. It felt so amazing to have Annie’s arms around her. It would be so nice if… “Shit.” She muttered to herself.

Annie stirred, “Cal?”

“Annie, sorry!” Cal shifted, “I didn’t mean to fall asleep. You should have woken me!”

“I was surprised you didn’t wake yourself up, you snore like an old man!” Annie grinned.

Cal looked at Annie, horrified, “I do?”

Annie laughed, “No, you don’t. Your face just now was priceless.”

Cal gave Annie a playful shove, “You’re horrible. But nice. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. You clearly needed the sleep,” Annie stretched, “I should get going.”

“You can stay… if you want to… uh, in the guest room, I mean,” Cal added quickly.

Annie smiled and cocked an eyebrow, “No different than the other times I’ve stayed over, you mean.”

“Right,” Cal blushed, embarrassed that she’d made it awkward… or worse, clued Annie in on the inappropriate images bouncing around in her brain.

“Alrighty then,” Annie shuffled off the couch and folded the blanket, “See you in the morning.”

“See you in the morning,” Cal agreed.

Annie fell face first on the the bed in the guest room and yanked the blankets around her. She flung her clothes off and was about the reach up and switch off the light when a text came in.

Annie smiled, {Annie} That all depends on whether you snore. xo.

Through the walls of the apartment, Annie heard the faint ping from Cal’s phone as the text landed, followed quickly by an indignant “Hey!” from Cal. Annie heard Cal’s bedroom door open, and her footsteps approach.

Annie sat up and pulled the blankets around herself, “Yes?” She called out, knowing that Cal was on the other side of the door.

Cal opened the door and froze. Annie sleeps naked??!!!

“Something wrong?” Annie asked, thrilled with the reaction she was getting out of Cal.

Cal narrowed her eyes and forced herself to focus, “I sent you a nice good night message, and you had to bring up the snoring thing again…”

Annie flashed a toothy grin, “I’m just doing my civic duty and saving the tri-state area from your sonorous emissions…”

“Don’t you have a home of your own to go to?” Cal crossed her arms and tried to look impatient, which was hard to do as she couldn’t stop smiling.

“Yes, but you see, someone fell asleep on me and was impervious to waking so it was kinda hard to make an exit… And now,” Annie looked down at her blanket-encased body, “it’ll be a little awkward to get up and go.”

When Cal’s mouth dropped open, Annie knew she’d won. She blew Cal a kiss, “Good night, Callan.”

“Good night, Annabelle.” Cal surrendered and retreated to the safety of her own room, the images of Annie’s bare shoulders and her lips sending a kiss Cal’s way etched in her brain.

It took a while for Annie to fall asleep, she couldn’t stop playing moments of the evening over and over, commiting to memory what it felt like to hold Cal in her arms.

“Up shit creek. No paddle. Boat sinking. What the fuck am I doing?”

It’s worth it, a little voice reminded her.

“It better fucking be,” Annie groaned, “Because I can’t take much more of this…”

–Chapter 8: The Office Party (Two Months Later – December)–

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with us?” Alex jammed a hiking boot into her suitcase.

“Positive,” Annie nodded, “Just going to hang out in the city. It’ll be nice and quiet with nobody here.”

Alex smirked, “Cal will be in the city though, yes?”

Annie’s eyes glared, “That’s not the reason I’m staying!”

“Nice try, Bella-bear, but I’m not buying it. Your parents are going to Hawaii, and you declined their invitation to go to Hawaii. Jess and I are taking her parents to the Grand Canyon, one of the destinations on your bucket list, and you say you don’t want to join us. Your siblings are gathering in Philly and you can’t even commit to taking a train ride over there for a day… Definitely NOT buying it.”

Annie arched an eyebrow, “Wrong. So, so, wrong. My parents are going to Hawaii with three other couples, none of whom is bringing their kids. So I have no interest joining that boondoggle. My siblings are gathering in Philly at their respective in-laws. Not a one is a choice Christmas destination. And Arizona is a Wainwright thing, and I’m, like, three degrees removed from Wainwright-ness…”

“My parents will love you,” Jess jumped in, “so that excuse won’t work.”

Alex zipped up her suitcase and stood up, “You’re hanging around the city because Cal is spending Christmas here, and you’re waiting for her to invite you over for Christmas dinner. Maybe I got the other stuff wrong, but I’m not wrong about that.”

Annie flopped face forward on the couch, “I hate you.”

Alex chuckled, “Oh, how the tables have turned…”

Annie turned her head and looked at her friend, “Huh?”

“I seem to remember someone telling me a couple years ago that I shouldn’t wait around for something that might not happen.”

“That was different,” Annie said unconvincingly.

“What was different?” Jess came out of the master bedroom.

Alex grinned, “I was just reminding Annie of how she wanted me to move on when you were freaking out about our relationship.”

“It was different. It was TEMPORARY!” Jess objected, smiling back at her wife.

Annie buried her head in a pillow and groaned, “I hate you both. I can’t believe I’ve had to listen to you guys do it the past couple of nights. It’s like pouring lemon juice on a cut.”

Alex lifted an eyebrow, “It’s the price you pay for living in my apartment rent-free while I’m gone. I get to come back and have loud sex with my wife whenever I want.”

“Alexandra!” Jess admonished; she was blushing furiously. “Were we really being that loud?”

Annie sat up, “No… but I’m well-versed enough in the intricacies of Sapphic love to pick up on telltale bed squeaks and interstitial silences… But you guys better not be doing any kinky shit in there — I promised Meghan you’d return the room in pristine condition.”

Alex snorted, “None of your business, Bear. And don’t worry, we’ll be the perfect guests. Meghan won’t even notice that we’ve been in there. Very nice of her to let us crash while she’s home for the holidays, by the way.”

“Yes it was. So don’t screw it up,” Annie leaned her head back, closed her eyes and sighed.

“Maybe you should call in the cavalry… you know, for some short term distraction,” Alex mused, “Call Zoe. She’d be up for it.”

Annie opened her eyes, “Fuck off. And NO. That is a total non-starter.”

“Have you talked to Cal about it?” Jess asked. She settled in next to Alex on the couch.

Annie shook her head. “She’s said ‘I don’t want to date’ enough times that I know it’s not worth talking about. Except every time I decide that I’m going to just give up, she does something or almost kisses me or whatever, and I get all hopeful again. So here I sit, lovelorn and pathetic.”

“Darling, you’ve met Cal, what do you think?” Jess looked at Alex.

Alex shrugged, “She was nice, yeah, I liked her.”

“Noooo, silly, I was asking if you thought Cal was throwing off the right kind of vibes about Annie.”

“I guess, sure,” Alex looked confused.

“She’s the wrong person to ask, Jess, you know that. She wouldn’t know a come-on from a hole in the wall. And they hung out for literally ten minutes when Alex did her fly-by last month,” Annie ruffled Alex’s hair affectionately.

“She was nice, really,” Alex insisted, “Hey, enough with the hair!”.

“I’m sure she was. But Annie, it’ll do you good to get away. Come to Arizona with us: we need an American with us to show us around!” Jess felt bad for Annie. She and Alex had arrived earlier in the week as a stopover from London: Alex wanted to catch up with some friends and touch base with a handful of New York colleagues. It didn’t take long for them to see that Annie was crushed by Cal’s reluctance to move beyond friendship.

Alex sighed, “Annie, you spend more time with Cal than anyone else at this point. I know you said that there’s something there. Why not just put it all on the table? Maybe she’s waiting for you to make a move?”

Annie lifted up her head and looked at her friends, “I don’t think she’s waiting for me to do anything. I’m competing with the ghost of her dead wife. And the ghost always wins.”

“Well, I don’t know about that,” Alex said quietly, “Cal keeps inviting you out for stuff, doesn’t she? You didn’t get home until three in the morning that night you went out to the benefit with her.”

“How do you know that?” Annie frowned.

“Because you called me in London to gush about it and it was eight in the morning my time, you muppet!”

“Oh, yeah, right. Every time I say goodbye to her, I tell myself we shouldn’t spend so much time together. Then we text, or call, or email, and we always end up figuring out something else to do. I’ve never had a connection like this with anyone…” Annie paused when Alex put on a hurt face. “Oh please, Alex, you know what I mean.”

“Maybe you should take a different tack,” Jess jumped in, “Maybe you need to let Cal know that at some point you are going to have to make a choice: life with her in it — and that means a relationship, not a friendship, or life without her in it.”

“She’s not going to react well to an ultimatum. She won’t fight for this, whatever ‘this’ is.” Annie shook her head.

“It isn’t an ultimatum if it’s the truth of what you are dealing with,” Jess said earnestly.

“This isn’t working for you Annie, look at you!” Alex leaned over and gave Annie a squeeze, “I know you are madly in love with her, but as you so wisely said to me, if both people aren’t in it together, it’s not a relationship.”

Jess walked into the kitchen and put on the kettle, “When are you seeing her next?”

“Tonight. Christmas drinks with the partners at the law firm. Then we are going to dinner afterwards.”

Jess poked her head out of the kitchen, “Well then, let’s get to work – we need to get you ready and make it really hard for Cal to not want to snog the hell out of you. What’s the dress code?”

“Business casual. One of the partners at her law firm is hosting it at his apartment on the Upper East Side.”

“Don’t judge the Upper East Side! You’re practically one of those Wall Street fat cats… so don’t go making faces, Alex Mak!”

Alex waved her hand dismissively, “I don’t prance around in fur coats and George Hamilton tans…”

Annie threw a pillow at Alex, “No need to be mean, Alexandra…. But holy shit, you with a fake tan in a Cruella de Vil get up…” The two of them dissolved into giggles.

Jess stood in front of Annie’s closet, “Now, let’s have a think — come on, show me what your go-to outfits are.”

Alex was trying to choke out words in the midst of her laughing fit, “White.. stripe… hair…”

Annie roared her approval, “Mak-Skunky! Jesus, that’s perfect!”

“Stop being such prats, you two!” Jess huffed, regarding the two women with amusement.

Alex nudged Annie, who reluctantly turned her attention to Jess, “I don’t want to dress up. Everyone is going to think I’m trying to hard!”

“Rubbish,” Jess said as she started pulling out potential outfits, “They are going to take one look at you and think that Cal is an absolute arse for introducing you as ‘just a friend’.”

Alex watched with interest as Jess helped Annie get ready. She’d been out to formal events with Annie before, and knew that her best friend turned heads, so she didn’t really get why Jess was fussing so much. Annie never really cared for fancy stuff anyway — she didn’t really need to — so Alex looked on with bemusement until she saw what Jess and Annie managed to do. Annie’s hair, usually pulled back in some fashion, now fell in full, thick waves around her shoulders. Jess had applied the slightest accents of make-up, drawing out Annie’s long lashes and high cheekbones. A subtle but warm shade of lipstick completed the minimalist, carefree look. Annie wore simple black pants with a white wrap top that showed off just enough of her breasts without being garish.

“Wow,” Alex whistled, “I didn’t know business casual could be so alluring!”

“Eyes up, darling,” Jess teased, pleased with her handiwork.

Alex squeezed her eyes shut, “The outfit is definitely a winner,” she blurted out.