Chapter 25

I didn’t proofread this chapter or the next few perfectly so if there’s mistakes you catch please let me know.

Mom was on the phone with insurance, sitting at the dining room table and muttering to herself angrily as she wrote on a notepad, her pen scribbling wildly. She was frustrated seeing as it was difficult working out Dad’s crash and his new paralysis from the waist down, paying all the bills and trying to find plans that worked. I was standing at the kitchen counter, watching her as she talked calmly, yet she subtly gripped at the roots of her hair. Dad was still in the hospital in recovery while we were all stuck at home and working a majority of the time. I still went in as much as I could to visit him, constantly talking with him and really savoring our time together because I was able to register just how close I was to losing him and how blessed I was that God gave him another chance.

Kaylee’s high pitched voice traveled down from the second floor into the kitchen, squabbling with Ivory. There was a loud thump as one of the sisters launched something followed by more yelling and screams.

“GOSH!” Mom suddenly exclaimed, like a lioness’s roar. Everyone in the house paused and instantly straightened up. “Girls! Stop it!” She shouted. There was a pause before Ivory’s voice drifted down the stairs.

“Sorry, Mom!” Ivory called.

“Sorry, Mom!” Kaylee repeated, clearly more reluctant.

“You’d think at twenty years old she’d learn to walk away…” Mom muttered to herself with a weary sigh, referencing Ivory. I covered my mouth with one hand, masking a smile as I slowly shook my head. “Sorry, ma’am, must’ve cut out. What was that?” Mom asked politely as she un-muted herself on the phone like nothing happened. I snorted, watching her with a fond smile. Mom didn’t blow up often, but in times like this, I could understand her frustration. I don’t think I would survive all that she has…she was a strong woman.

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“Mom?” I asked quietly. My feet padded against the hardwood floor as I crept into the kitchen, finding Mom sitting at the table despite it being 11PM. I felt like that was all she did anymore, sitting at this table on the phone, trying to negotiate with people, talk with family, talking with insurance and scrounging up money from caring loved ones. She would not admit to Dad that we were struggling right now, he had always been the provider, and Mom did not have a job nor had she ever in her time she had been married to Dad. I mean, she would barely admit to us girls that she was struggling. We only knew by overhearing her on the phone. Ivory, Kaylee, and I all held jobs of our own to make a little cash and we had all subtly been slipping a few bills into Mom’s pockets, purses, and wallets to try and help out because she would never ask such a thing from us.

“Yeah, baby…?” Mom asked groggily. She picked her head up, blinking slowly as if she had been asleep prior to my entrance.

“Mom…you need to go to bed…c’mon Mama…” I whispered tenderly, gently grabbing her under her arms and aiding her to stand up.

“Oh, sweetie…I’m fine, my love,” she said sweetly, but she didn’t resist my touch.

“I know…I know you are. But let me help,” I murmured as I held her. She sighed tiredly, her slender hands dropping the pen onto her notepad and leaving it discarded. She shuffled down the hallway towards her bedroom with my arm around her waist, steadying her. She lowered herself down onto her bed, the springs creaking gently beneath her as she stared off with a blank look. I hesitated a moment, leaning down slightly to look at her face better.

“Yes…?” she murmured lazily.

“Mom…are you…all right?” I whispered. She paused and blinked slowly, opening her pale lips as if to speak, but nothing came out. Her lips were chapped and drained of color due to Dad’s absence and her constantly gnawing at them. Dad always carried chapstick for her in his pocket, offering it to her whenever he noticed. Dad always noticed Mom. I knew they loved each other so deeply but it never failed to confuse me how such a…cold man could be so soft with someone, love someone so tenderly and just…treat his children like they had snuck into their private, secret world of passion.

“Uhm…” she trailed off, her eyes flicking around. Her lips pulled into a frown, showing her bottom teeth as she slowly sobbed, tears welling in her blue eyes, sparkling in the dim light.

“Oh, Mom…” I sighed.

“Oh, Eve,” she sobbed, covering her face with trembling hands. I joined her on the bed, slowly pulling her into me, blinking away my own tears as I cradled her head to my shoulder. “Oh…dear,” she hiccuped.

“It’s all right, Mama…” I breathed out.

“No…” she sniveled. “Please, child, don’t be like me,” she wept.

“Mom…Mom, what…?” I whispered.

“Do…do you, Eve…don’t let others control you…anyone…listen to your heart,” she sobbed.

“Ma…I…okay. Yes. I will,” I confirmed. “I will.” I said firmly, although my voice quivered a bit. I was getting deja vu, remembering Dad’s speech from the hospital. Their words were so similar, and it felt like the universe and God were trying to tell me exactly that – listen to my heart.

“I’m sorry…I am so tired…I am sorry,” she inhaled shakily.

“No, no, Ma, don’t be sorry…it’s all right to cry,” I murmured as I helped her lie back in bed. She blubbered to me for a bit, holding my hand as she laid her head onto her pillow, absentmindedly reaching for Dad’s side of the mattress with her free hand. I couldn’t quite understand what she was talking about but I could only assume it was everything she had ever endured in her life. I complained a lot…but I was a lucky girl.

“My Mom never loved me,” she babbled as my heart ached in my chest. “I love you girls so much…and your Dad does as well…I am sorry if he does not show it, dear. He is a good man beneath it all…insecuirty controls…” she trailed off, slowly falling asleep, her hand loosening around mine.

“Marriage sucks…” I murmured to myself.

“Yes, my dear,” Mom slurred, causing me to jump, thinking she was asleep. She went back to snoring lightly as I let out a shaky breath.

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“I need a break,” I groaned.

“Eve?” Ellie asked.

“Ellie?” I mocked, entering her home and falling into her arms dramatically, slumping into her chest.

“What…it-it’s 12AM,” she chuckled lightly, her hand running up and down my back.

“Correct. I can’t be in that house anymore. I’m suffocating,” I grumbled. She smiled and guided me into the house, grabbing my hand and dragging me up the stairs, both of us trying to stifle our giggles like little children and avoid waking her mom Oliver and her stepdad James. We arrived at her room and she delicately shut her door, pushing me back onto the bed as I squeaked lightly, grinning up at her as she covered my mouth with the palm of her hand.

“Do you not understand shhh?” She teased as I smiled, my eyes crinkling at the corners. I poked my tongue out from between my lips, running it along her skin as this time she squeaked, quickly pulling her hand back with a mock disgusted expression. “Dude!” She scoffed, straightening up and wiping it off aggressively on her sweatpants. I covered my own mouth, muffling my laughter.

“What?” I asked with faux innocence.

“Gross!” She whisper-shouted, barely containing her smile.

“Oh c’mon…you’ve done worse, Eliora Johnson,” I teased.

“Hey! My full name? Man…that’s low…real low,” she tsked, feigning hurt as she grabbed her chest.

“Oh, please…” I snorted, tugging her closer by the front of her shirt. She stumbled forward, flying on top of me, her hands landing on either side of my head as she grinned gently. I looked up at her intently, hesitating for a moment before I decided I needed to stop hesitating so much because I was not always going to have everything handed to me. I had to face my fears. And this was probably the biggest one. Not kissing, not Ellie, but…me. And this relationship.

I leaned up, capturing her lips with mine, wrapping my arms around her neck. She smiled against my mouth, cradling my head tenderly as she kissed back, pulling away briefly to laugh gently with me. I smiled, caressing her cheek as I closed my eyes again. Suddenly, the door creaked open and I all but jumped out of my skin, scrambling back onto the bed like a terrified animal, my eyes going wide as saucers. Ellie quickly looked back, frozen in place.

There, Oliver, Ellie’s mother, stood in the doorway, blinking at us with her lips parted in shock.

“Okay…I- what..?” She choked out.

“Mom-,”

“Ollie-,”

“Since when?” Oliver asked, quickly pushing the door the rest of the way open and entering the room.

“It’s not what you think-,” I gasped gently, my heart hammering in my chest erratically.

“Then what the hell is it?” Ollie murmured.

“I mean…I think it’s pretty much exactly what you’re thinking personally, don’t know what she’s sayin…” Ellie admitted, glancing over my way. I hesitated before burying my face in my knees, absolutely mortified, my eyes stinging with tears of shame. Ellie paused a moment, studying my reaction with soft eyes and slowly climbing up the bed to me. She reached out a hand to touch my hand before I suddenly slapped it away, mad at her because I was mad at myself.

“Hey, hey,” Oliver said gently as she walked in farther. “Now, c’mon. Please. One of ya gotta explain…” she urged.

“I mean…” Ellie trailed off, looking at me intently as I kept my head down stubbornly. “I guess it’s whatever Eve thinks it is but personally,” she emphasized, pausing for a beat. “I was kissing her,” she shrugged.

“I’m sorry…” I murmured shakily.

“What? I…please don’t be sorry, sweetie. I’m not mad,” Oliver said kindly. “I’m only a bit confused.” She explained.

“And what do you think I am?” I huffed sarcastically.

“Well…yeah,” Oliver hummed. “So…what? What is this? When? Where? How?” Oliver asked intently.

“I don’t know…” Ellie sighed. “We’re not anything…official…” she said awkwardly, glancing at me for reassurance even though I was doing nothing more than peeking up. Oliver slowly nodded, coming over to have a seat on the edge of the bed.

“Yeah…I know what you mean,” she murmured, looking at her daughter and then at me. She slowly placed a hand on my knee, watching me carefully. I felt like they were just waiting for a bomb to go off, except I was the bomb. “I am not…angry at all. Or judging. Just curious.” She assured me.

“This is so stupid…” I growled.

“It’s not stupid, Eve, stop it,” Ellie sighed.

“It is!” I complained, leaning my head back and letting it thump lightly on the wall.

“No, sweetheart…it’s not stupid,” Oliver said. “None of it is. I just…I am very curious about this development…and why I didn’t know about it sooner…” she added, looking pointedly at Ellie with her last statement.

“It’s all very new. And it’s hard…” I admitted softly. “I’m not pouring my feelings out again.” I suddenly said, looking at Ellie. She just shrugged while Oliver’s brows furrowed lightly, confused but just following along.

“I don’t know, Mom. I go with whatever Eve says it is. If it’s nothing, it’s nothing. If it’s something, it’s something. But I don’t know jack shit yet,” she hummed.

“Language.” Oliver and I said in unison, both giggling gently as she squeezed my knee. Ellie shook her head with a smug smirk, looking between her mother and I.

“Yeah, yeah,” she snorted. “So, then, what is it?” She asked me.

“I can’t wrap my head around it,” I said softly, looking up at her with glossy eyes. She tilted her head, her gaze gentle as she cupped my face in one hand, swiping a thumb across my cheek. “It’s everything I said to you in the church…but now it’s more. I know I’ve been so busy. I don’t mean to avoid you. You know it’s just that my life is falling apart and my dad is paralyzed and…” I trailed off.

“Mhm?” Ellie murmured, knowing I had more to say.

“And I feel like a disgrace but every sign I’m getting is telling me that God wants me to be myself. This makes me feel more myself than anything else but it fills me with this…this dark feeling. And it eats at me. It’s the devil on my shoulder…” I whispered, voice wobbly. For a moment, I nearly forgot Oliver was still here, watching us intently, learning our new dynamic. We were not just best friends anymore. I don’t know if we ever were. However, we were much more. So much more.

“But you’re absolutely not,” Oliver said softly.

“You’re just you…” Ellie murmured.

“Exactly,” I hiccuped bitterly, a tight, mocking smile on my lips as I looked to the ceiling and blinked rapidly.

“No, not like that…I mean, you’re you and you were made to be this way for a reason. You’re right. You are getting signs. If it seems like a calling then take it,” Ellie encouraged as Oliver nodded, subtly nudging her daughter as if to say ‘good job.’

“I feel like I’m reading it wrong…but at the same time it is undeniable. Right…right in front of my face. Be…me.” I whispered fiercely.