Chapter 23

You’ve been thinking about texting her since approximately twelve thirty two.

Which is to say — since about one minute after her car disappeared around the corner and you went back inside and stood in your living room in your oversized sweater surrounded by the particular quality of air that a person leaves behind them when they go.

You made tea you didn’t drink.

You tidied things that didn’t need tidying.

You sat on the sofa where you’d sat together last night and looked at the lamp in the corner and thought about everything and nothing and her hands and the morning light and Gerald and the way she adjusted your collar in the doorway like it was the most natural thing in the world.

You picked your phone up fourteen times.

Put it back down thirteen.

you
9:47pm
hi

9:47pm
I’ve been meaning to text you all day

9:48pm
I just wanted to say thank you

9:48pm
for last night. the party. being introduced to your people and being let into your world like that

9:49pm
it meant a lot to me

You put the phone face down on the sofa cushion and immediately pick it back up.

Three dots.

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
9:49pm
hi you

9:49pm
I’m really glad you came

9:50pm
they all loved you by the way

9:50pm
jade texted me approximately forty seven times today about you

9:50pm
massimo also but that goes without saying

you
9:51pm
forty seven is a lot

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
9:51pm
she’s thorough

9:51pm
what did she say

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
9:52pm
mostly that you’re wonderful and I should keep you

9:52pm
her words

You read keep you twice.

you
9:52pm
and what did you say

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
9:53pm
I said I’m working on it

Oh.

you
9:54pm
I think you’re doing pretty well so far

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
9:54pm
yeah?

you
9:54pm
yeah

9:55pm
can I tell you something

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
9:55pm
always

You look at your phone.

At the lamp in the corner.

At the sofa cushion that still holds, if you’re being honest with yourself, the shape of last night.

you
9:56pm
today felt strange without you in it

9:56pm
in a good way

9:56pm
like the day knew something had changed and didn’t quite know what to do with itself

9:57pm
I didn’t quite know what to do with myself either

The dots appear immediately and stay for longer than usual.

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
9:58pm
I drove home this morning thinking about how quiet my car felt

9:58pm
which is stupid because you’ve only been in it a few times

9:59pm
it just felt like you should have been there

you
9:59pm
that’s not stupid

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
9:59pm
no?

you
10:00pm
that’s exactly how my flat felt all day

A pause.

Warm and full, even through a screen.

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:01pm
[y/n]

you
10:01pm
yeah

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:01pm
last night

10:02pm
I’ve been thinking about it

Your heart does the thing.

you
10:02pm
me too

10:02pm
all day

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:03pm
all day

10:03pm
the party was wonderful

10:03pm
but I keep thinking about after

10:04pm
your apartment and the lamp and

10:04pm
you

You pull the blanket from the back of the sofa around your shoulders and read it three times.

you
10:05pm
the lamp that we forgot to turn off

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:05pm
the lamp we forgot to turn off

10:05pm
I noticed it was still on when I woke up

10:06pm
I liked that

10:06pm
I don’t know why I just did

you
10:06pm
I liked it too

10:07pm
I liked all of it

10:07pm
you

10:07pm
being there

10:08pm
waking up and you already being awake just

10:08pm
quietly existing next to me

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:09pm
you looked really peaceful

10:09pm
I didn’t want to wake you

10:09pm
I just

10:10pm
I wanted to look at you for a minute

10:10pm
is that okay to say

you
10:10pm
it’s more than okay

10:11pm
Alysa

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:11pm
yeah

you
10:12pm
I’ve never felt that

10:12pm
what last night felt like

10:12pm
with anyone

The dots appear.

Disappear.

Appear again and stay for a long time.

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:14pm
me neither

10:14pm
and I want you to know that

10:15pm
it wasn’t just

10:15pm
I mean it wasn’t only

10:15pm
you know what I mean

You smile at your phone so hard your face hurts.

you
10:16pm
I know what you mean

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:16pm
it was you

10:16pm
specifically

10:17pm
it’s always specifically you

You read that last line and put your phone down on your chest and look at the ceiling — not Gerald, a different patch of ceiling, equally witness to this moment — and breathe slowly and let it move through you the way warm things do, from the centre outward, all the way to the edges.

It’s always specifically you.

You pick your phone back up.

you
10:18pm
you can’t just say things like that

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:18pm
I really can though

10:18pm
watch me

you
10:19pm
I’m watching

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:19pm
it’s always specifically you

10:19pm
see

you
10:20pm
alysa

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:20pm
[y/n]

you
10:20pm
I really like you

10:21pm
like

10:21pm
a lot

10:21pm
an embarrassing amount

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:22pm
an embarrassing amount

10:22pm
quantify that for me

you
10:22pm
I named a ceiling crack Gerald and told you about it on our first morning together

10:23pm
that’s how comfortable you make me feel

10:23pm
that’s the amount

A long pause.

Longer than usual.

And then —

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:24pm
that might be the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me

10:24pm
I’m including Gerald in that

you
10:25pm
he’d be honoured

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:25pm
[y/n]

you
10:25pm
yeah

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:26pm
I really like you too

10:26pm
an embarrassing amount

10:26pm
wednesday can’t come fast enough

You pull the blanket tighter around your shoulders and smile at your phone in the quiet of your Saturday evening flat, the lamp on in the corner casting its warm light at nothing in particular, the city going on softly outside your window.

you
10:27pm
wednesday

alysa 🖤 ⛸️ ✨
10:27pm
wednesday 🖤

10:28pm
goodnight [y/n]

10:28pm
sleep well

you
10:28pm
goodnight alysa

10:29pm
I will now

You put your phone on the cushion beside you.

Close your eyes.

Think about a lamp left on and morning light through curtains that don’t quite meet and a girl who looked at you while you were sleeping because she wanted one more minute of it.

Think about it’s always specifically you.

You are asleep before eleven.

You sleep very well.