Chapter 10

Benny’s is always quiet this early on a Sunday. Most people on Sundays are either too hungover to get up and go for food, or they’re about an hour into church. I know that if my mom and dad weren’t working they’d be at church. My brother and I used to go, but when soccer started to become my priority and little league matches were every Sunday, I stopped going, Will too.

My mom and dad used to rotate who’d take me to my games, although it used to be my dad more often than not. He goes to church because he wants to spend time with my mom, and well my mom goes to church because she believes in God. I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t m, so I still let her drag me along to important holiday services like Christmas and Easter.

Mackenzie and I are sitting in her car, a quick flick of her wrist has the car engine dying and the heater switching off, reminding me of how cold I am. I hug my arms to my chest as Mackenzie leans across the console of her car and into the back seat, her sweater riding up to reveal the toned, sunkissed skin of her abdomen. I tear my eyes away before I get caught, my neck blushing red at the thought of being caught checking her out sober.

I’d have no excuse like I did last night when we were dancing.

“Here.” She says when she spins back into her seat, seemingly unaware of my wandering eyes. She passes me a plain black hoodie, the tassles slightly frayed but the fabric still soft. I look at her and than her gratefully as I pull it over my head, trying desperately to ignore the fact it smells just like her. It smells like coconut and vanilla, her fruity perfume and laundry detergent, a combination I find has a smile tugging at my lips. “I couldn’t have your teeth chattering, it puts me off my food.”

I roll my eyes as we get out of the car, the sound of Mackenzie’s laugh following us. She locks her car and jogs to catch up with me, matching my stride as I bury my face into the hoodie, the cool wind of the morning chilling the skin of my face, not that it’s doing anything to ward off the nipping wind as it blows against my bare legs. I wish I had taken my leggings to April’s because then I wouldn’t be shivering.

The bell over Benny’s front door chimes as we walk in, the scent of frying breakfast food invaded my nostrils and makes me sigh in relief. The air is hot, my goosebumped skin finally going back to normal as Mackenzie tells me to find a booth whilst she orders, despite the agreement being that I pay. There’s a booth at the back near one of the heaters and I can see it’s empty so I walk towards that.

The booths at Benny’s are very retro diner. The seats are made from brightly colour leather and the backs of the seats are high, reaching the tips of my ears. The tables are metal with a plastic covering, pictures of Elvis, Dolly Parton and many other older artists collaged underneath.

It’s unique and I love it.

I slide into the booth and rest my head against the seat, the quiet clinking of utensils against plates sounding much louder in my hungover state. Now that I’ve stopped crying, my nose is clogged and my head feels thick with the pain of a hangover. It’s like someone has taken a drill to my forehead and hasn’t turned it off.

I don’t feel sick anymore, thank God because I’m starving, my stomach craving whatever Mackenzie brings over to line my stomach. I probably should’ve told her I fancied a milkshake, maybe a hash brown. My stomach growls at the thought of a hash brown, my lips smacking together when I think of milkshake. I could murder a raspberry milkshake right now.

I’m so lost in thought that I don’t notice Mackenzie sliding a milkshake across the table and dropping pancakes in the centre of the table with two forks. It’s only when she clicks her fingers in my face do I snap out of my daydream and focus on her again, a small grin on her face. “Almost lost you for a second there, Alex.”

My mouth waters when I focus on the food she’s brought over. A neat stack of six fluffy pancakes, topped with butter, syrup and ice cream. The smell coming off them is heavenly and I find myself licking my lips involuntarily.

“Sorry.” I smile sheepishly as I look up from the plate of food to Mackenzie’s unwavering gaze. “I was thinking about how much I want a milkshake but didn’t tell you.”

Mackenzie laughs, flashing me her perfect, white teeth, a dimple indenting her right cheek. I’ve never noticed the dimple before but I conclude it suits her. She shuffles in her spot, picking up her fork before using it to point at the glass shaker in front of me. “I got you an extra large raspberry milkshake. I kind of, uh, remembered your order from last week.”

I watch as her ears turn slightly pink and she coughs slightly before taking a large sip from her own drink. I pick up my fork and slice a large chunk of pancake away from the stack, stabbing it with my fork and swirling it in the syrup. “I don’t remember ordering pancakes last week.”

It’s Mackenzie’s cheeks that go beet red next, her eyes staring bashfully into the stack of pancakes we’re currently sharing.”Yeah, they don’t start serving fries till twelve and it’s only ten.”

I guwaff at her answer, but can’t help but do an internal happy dance at the fact she remembered my order. “I was joking. How much was it so we can split?”

She waves me off, stabbing her fork into her half of the pancakes and taking a large chunk for herself. “Alex, it cost me next to nothing. It’s only pancakes and milkshake. Besides, I’m sure there will be another way you can make it up to me.”

I smirk and watch as her eyes narrow my way. “Wow, Mackenzie. First you kiss me to gain sporting favours and now you buy me food. What do you want me to do to “make it up to you” because I really want to know your thought process.”

Mackenzie chokes on her pancakes and I struggle to hold in my laughter. Her grey eyes widen as her cheeks flush once again, but I’m not sure if that’s because of my comment or the fact she’s got pancake stuck in her throat. She swallows her mouthful and coughs a few times, taking a large sip from her milkshake before glaring at me. “Are you ever going to drop this kiss obsession you have? The way you go on about it makes me feel like you want me to do it again.”

I know she’s joking but I can’t help but flush at the thought of it, and how much I enjoyed kissing her and the reaction it brought out of me. It’s the best memory I have of the whole of last night, and from what I remember it was a pretty great party. Shame it ended on a sour note.

“Hey.” I  jump when I feel Mackenzie’s hand on top of mine. Her voice is soft and full of concern, her grey orbs studying my face intently. “You went into your head and then your skin went whiter than a sheet. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I did a bad thing, but I can’t even remember doing it.” I say quietly, dragging my eyes up from her hand atop mine to her face. “I slept with Clay.”

I can feel the familiar burn of tears behind my eyes and I try desperately to keep them in. I don’t want to cry in front of Mackenzie again, I don’t want her to think that I’m weak. I wipe my eyes hastily with the back of my hand, laughing at how pathetic a look. “How many girls cry when they say they’ve slept with their boyfriend and can’t remember it?”

Mackenzie looks at me with an expression that doesn’t contain an ounce of pity, something that comforts me more than she can imagine. She slips from her side of the booth and onto my bench, wrapping her arm around my shoulders and pulls me close.

I lose it.

I bury my head into her shoulder and for the second time in an hour, I snot into her sleeve. Her arm tightens around my body as I just cry out all of my upset, frustration, anger. Why did I get so drunk, and why out of all the stupid things I could’ve done when drunk did I decide to drag my boyfriend upstairs and sleep with him, why why why? So many questions are floating around in my head that I clench my fists, gripping the fabric of Mackenzie’s sleeve and grasping it like it’s the only thing keeping me routed to the floor.

“Sorry.” I apologise as I wipe my tears with my sleeve. “I feel like all I’ve done today is cry on you and make you buy me stuff.”

I pull away and see that I’m inches from Mackenzie’s face, her grey eyes pooling and swirling as they change colours from white to the colour of a cloud in a thunderstorm. I can see the freckles that dust across her nose and the syrup that coats her lips. She brings her hands up to cup my face, her thumbs gently brushing the tears from under my eyes. My breath hitches at how softly her hands caress my face, her grey eyes searching mine with a gentleness I haven’t seen before. “You don’t have to apologise for being upset, Alex. Not to me.”

I smile weakly, tucking my loose hair behind my ear, my bun falling out of it’s hair tie. “I can’t help it…”

Mackenzie coughs slightly when we hold eye contact for slightly longer than is considered normal, and I find my face getting hot and my mouth dry. We sit in a comfortable silence as we sit and eat the pancakes she bought for us, occasionally catching each other staring and smiling slightly.

Eventually I get to the bottom of my milkshake, the ice cream at the bottom too thick to get up the straw. I place the straw on the table and just drink from the glass, savouring the last bit of raspberry sweetness in my drink. I look up and see Mackenzie smirking at me, her head titled slightly as she watches me curiously like I’m an animal in an exhibit and I’m the most fascinating thing she’s ever seen.

“What?”

Her closed mouth smirk turns into a toothy grin as she uses her thumb to point at her mouth. “You have a bit of a moustache going on over there.”

I feel myself blush as I reach for my napkin, hastily wiping the ice cream off my face whilst Mackenzie sits there and laughs at me. I drop the napkin back on the table once I feel like I’ve got it all, only to see Mackenzie is still laughing at me. “What now?”

“You’ve missed a bit.” She says, leaning across the table and bringing her thumb up to my face. I feel my eyes go wide as she brushes it over the corner of my lips, coming away with a small amount of pink cream the edge of it. I actually feel my heart stop in my chest as she puts her thumb in her mouth, her face inches away from mine, her smouldering gaze never leaving mine.

I jump and pull away from Mackenzie when I feel my phone vibrate rapidly, telling me someone is calling me. I take my phone out of the pocket of her hoodie, frowning when I see that it’s Clay. “Sorry. Can I take this?”

Mackenzie’s face pulls into brief anger before her mask slips on, her eyes the colour of steel to match her facial expression. She sits back down in her seat and nods her head. “I was going to get some more syrup for these pancakes anyway.”

I smile gratefully, clicking the answer button and holding my phone up to my ear.

“Babe, where did you go?” Clay’s voice is thick with sleep, like he’s just woken up and realised I’ve gone. I can imagine him sitting up in bed, his phone in one hand and his other hand running through his dishevelled hair.

“I left.” I say, surprised at how blunt my voice comes out. “I was hungry and went to get some pancakes.”

“Oh.” I hear him shuffling on the other side of the phone, no doubt pulling his clothes on. “I figured you might’ve stuck around, you know, to talk about what happened last night.”

“I didn’t think there was anything to talk about.” I say tersely, biting my nails as I try to remain calm. “We slept together, it isn’t a big deal.”

“Not a big deal?” Clay says, his voice thick with confusion. “You always made it sound like sex was a big deal for you. I figured you’d at least want to talk about it”

I look at the roof of the diner as I struggle to keep my tears in. My dumb, drunken ass told my boyfriend I wanted to sleep with him, when that was the last thing my sober self wanted. How messed up. I see Mackenzie slowly walking back to the table with a bottle of syrup in her hand and I decide I don’t want to talk to Clay anymore. I breathe out heavily to steady my voice. “Look, my food has just arrived, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Alright.” Clay says as I hear a door shut through his receiver. “I just want to say that I’m here for when you do want to talk about last night. I love you, Alex.”

“Yeah.” I mutter bitterly. “Bye.”

This is going to make things a whole lot more awkward between us from my end, I just know it. He’s not in the wrong here, because I remember taking him upstairs and initiating everything. Yeah I was drunk, but he’s a boy and when a girl is telling you that she wants it, I don’t blame him for acting on it.

Last night has just upset me because I know that alcohol fueled my decisions that night, and it is a shame. I did want to remember my first time a whole lot more than I did last night, but i can’t change that now.

“How’d that talk go?” Mackenzie says, her voice suggesting she’s almost trying to walk on eggshells with me.

“Ah, about as well as can be expected.” I mutter, tucking my hair behind my ear. “He wanted to talk about last night but I’m not really ready to bring it up yet.”

Mackenzie nods as she pours syrup all over the remainder of our pancakes. I bite the nail on my thumb before trying to make light of the topic. “Hey, after the game of spin the bottle, I feel like I didn’t see you for the rest of the night. What was the last thing you can remember me doing?”

Mackenzie sucked her bottom lip into her mouth as she pondered her answer. If I wasn’t so annoyed with myself I’d have probably been distracted by that simple action, because I’m usually obsessed with anything to do with her lips. “I saw you downing tequila in the kitchen with all the football boys, and then Gemma got a video of you dancing on one of the tables about half an hour later but I didn’t see you after that.”

“So long as you had a good time, and didn’t see me do anything too embarrassing.” I smirk half-heartedly, and Mackenzie laughs before we fall into a comfortable silence. We finish eating but I can tell Mackenzie has noticed my heart isn’t in it anymore. “Let me take you home, you look like you’re about to fall asleep.”

I nod gratefully and we slip out of the booth and head towards the door. Benny’s is getting busier now, parents bringing their kids in after morning sports and church. We slip out of the door before a large family of seven beat us to it and walk to Mackenzie’s car. The sun is out now so my legs aren’t as cold as they were before, but I’m still grateful for the additional warmth provided by Mackenzie’s hoodie.

I rattle off my address and she arrives in no time, pulling up at the bottom of my drive where only my car is present. I deflate at the thought of being alone, but I know I need to talk to my friends so I won’t feel by myself for at least another half an hour. I turn to face Mackenzie who’s watching me cautiously. “Thank you, for this morning.” I say genuinely. Words couldn’t possibly express how grateful I was for her today. “I really liked the milkshake.”

“It was no problem.” She says, her hand moving from the gear stick to my knee and patting affectionately. My skin heats with the contact with hers and I watch with embarrassment as my skin starts to come out in goosebumps. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow?”

“Yeah.” I grin as I unfasten my seatbelt, and before I can overthink it, I lean across the handbrake and hug Mackenzie around the waist, resting my chin on her shoulder. At first she tenses, as if she didn’t expect the contact, but before I can pull away she hugs me back, her heavy breath sounding by my ear.

I release her from my grip and slip out of her car, waving slightly as she pulls away and heads home. Now that I’m alone I know it’s fine to text my friends to find out what really happened last night. I grab my phone from my pocket and fire a text into the group chat I have with Faye and April.

GC (Alex):- WAKE UP
                      Who the hell thought it was a good idea to let me drink last night?!?!?

I bite my lips nervously as I wait for the, to reply. If Clay is awake and moving about, April is no doubt kicking everyone out so she can get her cleaning service in to remove any evidence a party happened.

GC (April):- Glad to see ur not dead
                       I’ve never seen sum1 drink so much and not die

GC (Faye):- You were a complete state
                       Utter embarrassment

I roll my eyes and let my fingers quickly tap across me screen.

GC (Alex):- I hate u both

GC (Faye):- You looked like u had fun with Clay last night
                       U we’re all over him, and dragging him upstairs

GC (April):- Yeah girl u were both giggling like little kids
                       Figured you’d both gone to sleep you didn’t come back downstairs

I clamp my mouth shut so tightly my teeth start to ache. Seems like drunk Alex wanted to sleep with her boyfriend. I run my hand over my face in sheer frustration, knowing that I can’t be mad at him or call him out for it.

Doesn’t mean I can’t despise myself. Thinking about what I’ve done leaves a really bitter taste in my mouth and a searing hatred for my alcoholic alter ego. Looks like last night, alcohol made me act like a fool with zero responsibility and zero respect for myself and my sober feelings. My flip of the inebriated coin landed on the fool side instead of the fun.

And I’m hating it.

But there’s nothing I can do about it now, I did this to myself and I can’t blame Clay for the fact I’m regretting it. Whilst he is my best friend, he’s not a mind reader and I can’t hate him because I regret it now. I remember wanting it then, this isn’t his fault.

I just have to move forward now.