Chapter 9

All I can feel is sparks.

The second her lips came into contact with mine my entire face came alive with heat. Tingles started dancing across my skin and I had to sit on my hands to stop myself from grabbing her face and pulling her closer. I can’t feel my drunkenness anymore, I don’t feel ready to keel over and throw up. Mackenzie’s presence has both sobered and intoxicated me at the same time.

I kiss her back, I have to, I want to see if the sparks were pure shock. I want to see if girls are a passing phase and I, just like my friends, admire the beauty of a girl without feeling a emotional attraction. The sparks weren’t shock; girls aren’t a phase. They stay and travel into my stomach and make my chest feel warm and fuzzy, the same way Clay used to make me feel.

Mackenzie kissing me made me feel what I used to.

Her lips taste like strawberry lip balm and coke, the hint of vodka on her tongue. I have to remind myself to breathe through my nose because I was holding my breath, wanting to avoid the end of this kiss. I then remember we’re in a room full of people watching us intently and I pull away, much to my own annoyance and taking every ounce of strength I possess, to see Mackenzie’s eyes shut, a frown on her face. Her grey eyes open and stare at mine and I realise everyone is watching with open mouths and raised eyebrows.

I doubt they expected me to kiss her back.

I clear my throat and smirk, tossing Raven a triumphant grin. “Looks like my head and ego have grown. You might have the boys Raven but I think a girl calling me pretty is a much bigger compliment.”

Mackenzie groans as she rocks back on her feet, a bright smile on her face. “I told you not to let it go to your head.”

I tap my hand lightly against her cheek before bursting out laughing. Her skin is hot to touch and reddening with every passing second. I can’t help but wonder if she felt what I did. “How can I not.”

“Shall we carry on playing? Or are you two going to carry on teasing and eye fvcking each other in front of everyone?” Freya’s voice calls out, and I look around Mackenzie to see her furious and upset expression watching on. I swallow and look at Mackenzie who just shrugs at me before going to sit back in her spot next to Freya, leaning to talk to her and receiving a blunt one word response back.

The game carries on for a few more rounds but my head really isn’t in the right space. All I can think about is that kiss, and how I want to do it again. I keep glancing across the circle to see Mackenzie with a similar expression on her face, her grey eyes staring at the floor as she is obviously lost in her head.

“I’m going to the toilet.” I announce and push myself to my feet, trying to ignore the fact Mackenzie’s head snaps upwards and her eyes lock onto me, or more specifically the bottom of my dress that has risen. April passes me her glass and asks for a refill as I pull the hem of my dress down to cover my ass. The least I can do is get her a drink after I conveniently forgot when Mackenzie’s name was called.

Whilst my head feels clear, my legs haven’t caught up to the fact I’m sobering up, my muscles not working quite like I want them to. I stumble upstairs to April’s room to use her bathroom, not wanting to use the one downstairs because it’s no doubt being used as a sex closet or someone is throwing up in it. Trust me, neither of those options are ridiculous or unusual. I walked in on both of those scenarios at her last party.

I throw open her door and pad inside, avoiding my half drunk glass of wine from when we were pre drinking up here. I can’t be bothered heading back into the kitchen, the thought of seeing Clay after kissing Mackenzie makes my stomach turn uneasily. I touch my lips and try not to remember the kiss, but when I catch sight of them in April’s mirror I can’t help but grin like a child who got everything she wanted at Christmas.

I tear my eyes away from my giddy reflection and look around April’s bedroom. The room is dimly lit by her beside lamp in the far corner, her bathroom door open but the main light off. My clothes are scattered across her floor, just like Faye’s are, and I snort when I see my bra, the one I opted out of wearing after I realised you could see the lace through my dress, right in the middle of the room. I start towards it, picking it up with the intent to toss it somewhere else, but stop when I hear someone follow me into April’s room. I spin and find Mackenzie leaning on the doorframe, her eyes watching me closely. “Hey.”

“You scared me for a second.” I laugh, my hand flying up to my chest only to slap myself with my bra. My cheeks flame as I toss it somewhere behind me, a lazy, drunken smile crossing Mackenzie’s lips. I see her gaze has moved shamelessly downwards to my chest, her grin widening at her realisation that I’m braless.

I flush. Maybe she’s not as sober as I thought.

“I just wanted to come up and apologise for, uh, you know, kissing you.” She mutters, her hand flying to the back of her neck and scratching awkwardly. “Probably wasn’t the best time to come out to the team, you know, right before kissing the captain.”

“You’re right.” I say as I flop down on April’s bed, Mackenzie’s eyes following my movement. I can sense my reaction didn’t sit well with her, her arms crossing defensively over her chest and her muscles tensing. I cross my legs and grin up to her, watching the tension leave her shoulders slightly at the sight of my smile. “Kissing me makes it look like you’re asking for favours, and we all know favours come in different forms.”

Mackenzie chuckles breathlessly, her eyes never leaving mine as she walks across the room and flops down on the bed next to me. I lean back so we’re eye level, her breath fanning my cheek as I tilt my face slightly so I can look at her. She’s staring up at the ceiling, the dim glow from the lamp beside her casting shadows across her face, making her bee stung lips seem bigger, her cheekbones more defined, her eyes darker. Her hair is splayed out on the pillow behind her like a pale gold halo, her breathing slightly quick.

“Congratulations on making the team by the way.” I say to her to break the silence. “I was going to give you a kiss as your present but you already stole that.”

Mackenzie groans loudly and slaps me hard enough across the chest that I wince. I laugh drunkenly at my own joke until she starts to laugh with me. We lay next to each other and laugh for a good long while, just enjoying each other’s company.

“How come you didn’t kiss Freya.” I find myself saying once I finally calm down. It’s a question that’s been playing on my mind. It would’ve been the safest thing to do, the easier option. I tilt my head and let my eyes stay glued to her. It’s not that I’m not glad she kissed me, because I am, I’m merely curious as to why she kissed me out of everyone in the circle, Freya in particular.

Mackenzie tilts her head slightly, her eyes staring into mine. “Because she wasn’t the most attractive in the circle.”

I laugh as she winks at me and I slap her lightly across her chest, her hand catching hold of mine and pinning it between us so I can’t do it again. Her hand is warm in mine, my breath catching in my throat as the sparks I felt when we were dancing have come back again. Her chest rumbles as she tries to keep in her amusement, her grey eyes dancing in the lamplight, her body language seemingly uninterested in the fact she’s holding my hand. “Be serious.”

“That was my serious answer, Alex.” She says, her tone dropping to a whisper, almost as if she thinks Freya is listening. “I know Freya likes me, her attempts at flirting have been obvious. Kissing her would have given her false hope when I’m not attracted to her. Besides,” her smile creeps back into her face as she looks at me. “I wanted to see if the oh-so-serious, most attractive soccer player who happens to be my captain could have a bit of fun.”

I burst out laughing again, Mackenzie giggling next to me both of us clutching our hands to our chests and forcing us to let go of one another. I can feel myself relaxing as I lie here, Mackenzie making me feel comfortable around her again, just like walking her to her first class was earlier this week. It also makes me happy that she chose me because she wanted to, not because she felt like she couldn’t have kissed anyone else. I know she didn’t say that specifically but the way her eyes softened when she called me attractive made my chest flutter slightly, I can only hope hers did the same.

Once I finally calm down, breathing normally without wanting to laugh again I say. “So does you calling me attractive and kissing me finally make us friends? Being annoyed at you because you’re annoyed with me is exhausting.”

Mackenzie holds out her free hand and I look at her weirdly. She laughs. “I’m Mackenzie, I play soccer and I can be a bit of a bitch.”

I slip my hand into hers for the second time in the space of ten minutes and try ignore how warm my skin feels once again. I shake her hand slowly. “I’m Alex, soccer captain and the most attractive girl on the team according to sources.”

Mackenzie rolls her eyes and flicks me with her free hand. “I knew you’d let it get to your head.”

“And yet you kissed me anyway.”

~•~

The party passed in a blur after that. I just kept drinking and drinking even though I knew I shouldn’t. I can remember exactly when I knew I needed to stop drinking, and I can remember the drink I had after. I remember going to find Clay and drinking with him, and also I remember a little flirting between the two of us.

I can’t remember much of anything else.

My head feels like it’s being sat on by a bison and my whole body feels like lead, actually no my whole body aches. I groan as my stomach does flips and I feel the urge to throw up everywhere.

I hate throwing up. It makes my mouth feel like I’ve swallowed acid and my head feels stuffed with cotton wool. Throwing up is my worst enemy, besides Freya. Any situation that contains vomit and Freya Pope, not that there have been any, is my worst nightmare and probably would send me running for the hills.

I smack my dry lips together whilst I fumble around for my phone, not quite ready to open my eyes and expose them to the no doubt bright light of the morning. I groan and give up searching for my phone and bury my head deeper into my pillow, my eyelids no longer burning and my head finally starting to ground itself. Every movement is causing my brain to spin around in my skull, and if I lay deathly still and breathe out of my nose, I might just be able to go back to sleep.

Then an arm wraps tight around my waist, rough fingertips brushing against my bare skin. I’m pulled flush against a wall of muscle, their skin hot to the touch.

I snap my eyes open then in complete and sheer panic. I look around the room in panic to find that I’m in April’s spare room, and I can see my dress on the floor by the wall, so I look under the covers to see I’m not wearing any underwear. I start to panic, tears burning in the corners of my eyes as I realise it’s not my body that aches, just between my legs.

Oh God what have I done?

I spin around and come face to face with Clay, his thick lashes brushing against his high cheekbones, his lips parted slightly as he sleeps. His broad, bare shoulders peek out from underneath the comforter, one hand tucked under the pillow and the other around my waist. I calm down once I realise that it is him that I’m in bed with, and not some stranger. I inhale slowly and look under the covers to see he’s not wearing any clothes and I barely hold back a groan when I remember what we did. 

The room slowly feels like it’s closing in on me, my desire to be sick increasing by tenfold as I recognise the thumping in my head from the start of a hangover. I remember knocking back shots together, laughing and giggling together. I remember whispering in his ear, the shameless flirting, sneaking off to kiss in the downstairs toilets. I don’t want to stay here any longer and be reminded of the drunken mistake I carried out last night. I can’t blame Clay, because I remember consenting, leading him upstairs towards the end of the party, kissing him whilst I pulled his shirt off.

I slip from underneath Clay’s arm, my body feeling dirty and cheap for what I’ve done. I wanted to remember my first time, I wanted to be fully ready to give myself to a person and I gave it to Clay when I was so drunk I can’t remember if I enjoyed it or not. I find my lace thong under my dress and I hastily pull it on, throwing my dress over my head and piling my hair into a bun. I grab my phone and tip toe from the room and down to April’s family bathroom on the top floor, figuring nobody will be in there at this time. I don’t want to wake April, I don’t want to talk about what I’ve done. I just want to wash my face, get changed and get the hell out of here.

I push open the door and sigh in relief when I see I’m by myself. I close the door quietly and walk over to the mirror so I can look at myself. I cringe when I see I have panda eyes, my eyeliner smudged and messy. My brows stayed on but the glitter from my eyeshadow has fallen over my whole face. I rip my fake lashes off, surprised they stayed on my face as I grab the face wipes April hid in the shower so nobody would steal them. I grab two and start to violently rub my face free of the makeup of last night, as if that was going to help me forget what I woke up to this morning.

I look in the mirror to double check I’ve wiped my face clean. Then I burst into tears. My body is racked with sobs as I perch on the edge of the bath and just cry. Out of all the things that could’ve happened at this party, having sex with Clay was the last thing I thought would happen. I figured I’d probably get too drunk and throw up into a potted plant or bomb into the pool in April’s back garden that is never heated. I never expected that I’d do this.

The door to the bathroom opens and I wipe my eyes hastily, not wanting to be caught crying. I don’t want the image I’ve built around myself to come crumbling down. I want everyone to see that I have my shít together, I need people to think I’m composed and level headed.

“Oh I didn’t…” A familiar voice has my attention snapping to the door, Mackenzie’s grey eyes wide with shock and concern. “Jesus, Alex are you okay?”

Mackenzie looks much better than me. She’s changed out of her skirt and bandeau, opting for a pair of sports leggings and an oversized sweater. Her face, like mine, is clean of makeup, her lashes darker than I thought they’d be. Even after a night of drinking she manages to look beautiful.

Lie. Lie to her. Tell her you’re fine and just say you’re crying with laughter. She won’t question you.

“No. I’m not.” I grin weakly before bursting into tears again. I bury my face in my hands as Mackenzie winds her arm around my shoulders and pulls me into her, letting me rest my head on her shoulder as I sob into the grey fabric of her sweater.

She mumbles quietly into my ear as her hand strokes over my head. I can’t stop crying. Her presence is comforting, and I find myself glad that she’s the one who found me and not April or Faye. They’d immediately ask questions and scold me when they found out what I’d done. With Mackenzie, she won’t assume anything, she won’t shout or pry, she’ll just be here and that’s fine.

When I finally calm down I pull away from her shoulder and laugh weakly at the state I’ve left it in, her shoulder wet from my tears. I wipe my eyes with the back of my hand and avoid looking into her eyes, embarrassment creeping into my cheeks as I realise I’ve just sobbed my heart out on my girl crush’s sleeve.

Are you sure she’s just a girl crush, and not your actual crush Alex?

“I’m sorry for unloading like that.” I mutter, finally dragging my gaze from my hands to her face. She’s looking at me with an unreadable expression on her face and a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes, like she’s faking being amused for my benefit. “I don’t know what came over me.”

Her fake mask crumbles for a split second before she recovers so quickly I thought I made it up. She made a face that showed me she knew I was lying. Her arm is still wrapped around my shoulder, her fingers playing the small hairs at the base of my neck. I don’t even think she realises she’s doing it. She nods her head, once. “Do you want me to take you home?”

I want nothing more than to go home, but I realise I don’t want to be by myself. I know that both of my parents are working today and Will is no doubt at some random girl’s house. It’s even worse if he’s in because he’ll just interrogate me until I cry again. I just don’t want to be left to my thoughts and I don’t want to talk about it. I want distracting and Mackenzie is the best distraction I could’ve given myself. “You wanna grab some breakfast at Benny’s with me first? I’m always hungry when I’m hungover.”

She knows exactly what I’m doing. I can tell by the smile that tugs at those irresistible lips of hers. She knows she’s my distraction. “Sure, but only if you’re paying.”

I roll my eyes and push myself to my feet. “You cheapskate.”

Mackenzie chuckles and stands with me, opening the door to the bathroom for me. I smile gratefully as she heads to the stairs and I head to April’s room. “I’ll go and find my keys, I’ll wait for you outside.”

I walk into April’s room to see her fast asleep in bed with Faye, both of them completely dead to the world. I grab my bra from where I threw it last night and slip it on, followed by pulling shorts and my brother’s AC-DC shirt from my bag and quickly changing into them, not wanting to leave Mackenzie waiting.

I jog down the stairs and slip my feet into my sliders, cringing at the sight of April’s house and feeling guilt at the fact I’m not staying to clean up. I open the door and walk down the stairs, Mackenzie in the driver’s seat of her car pulled up to the bottom of the drive, a small smile on her face. “You ready?”

I try and muster up a smile. “You bet.”