Chapter 8

I’m in April’s room, getting ready for her party, at her house, and for some unexplainable reason I’m shitting myself.

No. I lied. There is an explainable reason. That reason is Mackenzie.

I’ve known her a week and she has already managed to make my pulse race, my ability to form a coherent sentence disappear and every memory I have that proves I have a boyfriend, vanish.

And I hate it.

I hate that all she needs to do is send that small, irresistible smirk my way and my knees turn to jelly and I’m putty in the palm of her hand.

And my smart ass invited her to April’s goddamn party.

Alcohol is either my best friend or my worst enemy. It raises my confidence and my sex appeal (so I’ve been told) allows me to loosen up and stop thinking about the stress and frustration that surrounds school and soccer. Alcohol let’s me act like a teenager and I love it.

It also lowers my inhibitions and has the ability to make me act like a fool with zero responsibility, zero respect and can be convinced to do whatever the hell someone tells me to do.

Alcohol has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past, and I think tonight is going to be one of those nights.

I finish putting on my false lashes, fanning my face so that the glue dries. My eyes flicker to see April dancing to the music she’s blaring from her speakers, head banging to the Bon Jovi song that’s making my ear drums hurt.

Thank god she’s changing the music when the party actually starts.

I look back at myself just as April starts to fling herself around, her air guitar so physical that she’s no doubt messing her hair up. I pull out my lipstick and carefully apply it to my face, my hands shaking slightly with my nerves. Truthfully, I don’t even know what I’m nervous about. Am I nervous about seeing Clay, or Mackenzie, or hell even both? I don’t know what I’m going to do or how I’m going to react when I see them.

It’s all kinds of fvcked up that I feel this amount of lust for a girl and I don’t even know if she’s gay. I know for a fact that if I have enough alcohol in my system, and she shows me any kind of sign that she’s attracted to me, I’m going to conveniently forget that I have a boyfriend.

I feel guilt form a ball in my stomach when my thoughts drift to Clay. Sweet, caring, funny Clay. He’s downstairs playing pool with Derek and a couple of the football guys that bought all of April’s kegs for this party. I’ve seen what he’s wearing and he looks gorgeous, as per usual. He’s wearing a pair of dark washed jeans, a white shirt and his letterman jacket. His dark, inky curls have been left untamed, hanging down over his icy blue eyes that always look so sad when they look at me.

He always looks so handsome, but he doesn’t make my knees weak like he used to. He doesn’t set my heart racing like he used to. Hell, when we kiss I don’t feel those warm tingles that shocked me from my lips to my toes like I used to.

It’s like we’re both numb to it now.

April catches sight of my downcast expression and her head banging stops, her eyes searching my face with concern pulling at her pretty features. “Alex, are you okay?”

Faye, who was painting her toenails on April’s bed with her head in her own little bubble, has now had her attention grasped. She looks at me and spins her finger in a circle, asking me to turn around. I sigh and do so, trying hard not to give away how internally screwed up I am. Faye and April have been able to read me since the moment we became friends. They have continued to tell me that I give it all away in my facial expression so I’ve been perfecting my mask, hoping they don’t see through it.

They do.

“Are you ready to talk about you and Clay yet?” Faye says to me as she puts the lid back on the red nail varnish she was using. Her toes are being held apart by her toe separators but her feet are swinging off the bed. “We haven’t forced you to talk about it because we know you’ve been trying to sort it by yourself.”

“But we’re going to force you to tell us something now.” April says as she turns her music off and sits beside me on the floor. “This, whatever you’re not telling us about you and Clay, it’s eating you alive.“

I sigh and look down at the floor, letting my hair fall in front of my eyes. I know that if I look at them I’ll cave.

But maybe that’s not a bad thing.

“I think we’re done and we know it.” I say quietly. I look at them and they’re staring at me with such pity. I hate being pitied. “I think we’re both still together because we don’t want to hurt the group.”

“Do you want to fix it?” Faye asks me, her green eyes boring into mine. “Do you still want to be with him?”

“Of course I do.” I say, and despite my crush on Mackenzie I know every word is the truth. Clay is my best friend, my rock, and he’s my familiar place. He’s my home. Everyone has crushes, hell I know for a fact that despite April being head over heels for Derek, she’d still fvck Zac Efron if he came knocking. Now I’m not saying that Mackenzie is my Zac Efron but Jesus I can’t deny that girl is a bombshell that makes me twitch. “I love him.”

“I love him too, Alex. We all do. It doesn’t mean we want to be in a relationship with him.” Faye says, and whilst April looks appalled by the blunt edge to her tone, I appreciate her honesty. I know she’s right. I love Clay, I always have, but somewhere along the way I stopped being in love with him. “So look me dead in the eyes and tell me that he’s who you really want to be with.”

For some reason my pulse spiked at the thought of Faye putting an underlying, read between the lines kind of hidden message in her request to me, and fear starts to pour through my veins at the thought of her knowing about my recent attraction to Mackenzie, and my much longer attraction to girls in general.

“I want to find what we used to have.” I say to her, the truth laced in every word. I want what we used to be, the playfulness and the way he used to look at me that would send my knees to jelly. I want to kiss him and feel something. “I want to be in love with him again.”

“Well alright then.” She smiles at me and lays back on the bed, her eyes piercing as she continues to look at me. “Today might be a good day to try and fix it when you’re both drunk.”

“Or one of you ends up crying again because the other did something stupid.” April rolls her eyes and pats my knee sympathetically. “It might be good to avoid each other tonight, even if you’re more confident when you’ve drank something. Go speak to him now and just have a night free from each other. You two both get far too fired up when you’re smashed.”

I sigh heavily out of my nose and nod my head, agreeing with her completely. Clay and I  only ever have two types of night when we’re both drunk . We’re either really happy and all over each other or we’re screaming at each other and making everyone feel incredibly uncomfortable. April is right, we should steer clear once the drinking starts because my bet is we’d end up starting a screaming match. “Yeah I’ll go speak to him now and then try not to talk to him much tonight.”

I push myself to my feet and walk to the door, only to have my arm grasped tightly by one of my friends. I turn around and raise my eyebrow, Faye looking at me with an amused expression on her face. “Are you really going downstairs wearing that?”

I look down and burst out laughing, realising that whilst I spent all of my time glamming up my face, I hadn’t bothered to change out of the baggy Shrek shirt Faye bought me for Christmas last year and some Arsenal football shorts. The guys downstairs would surely get a laugh out of it but I want to keep my reputation of being hot. I pull my shirt over my head and my shorts off quickly, throwing an item of clothing at both of my best friends before slipping my dress over my head and releasing my hair from its clip. I catch sight of my matching fancy underwear, God knows why I’m wearing it. I’m not going to be getting any action any time soon.

I’m not usually a huge fan of wearing dresses this tight, but with the amount of exercise I did over summer, I’ve dropped the small stomach I was carrying following the end of soccer season and I finally have abs again. April wolf whistles and even I can’t help but grin at how good I look in the mirror. The red fabric clings to every dip and curve of my figure, my ass looking phenomenal. I send a wink to my friends before slipping out of the door barefoot and padding downstairs towards April’s kitchen where I know my boyfriend is.

I can hear their laughter before I even see the kitchen, their own music playing on the house audio system. I figure this is going to be the type of music that’ll be playing at the party, the deep heavy drum and bass making the photos vibrate on the walls. I step into the kitchen and let my gaze zero in on Clay who’s currently shotgunning a beer with Derek and a guy on the team called Jeremy. I lean against the door and watch as he chugs as though his life depends on him winning, his strong throat swallowing gulp after gulp before smashing the can on his head, a loud cheer going up as it’s made known he won.

I clap slowly, all eyes turning to me. Clay’s blue ones widen as he takes in my figure, the colour of his irises darkening as they run over my cleavage and stop at my face. Jeremy whistles and winks at me jokingly. “Damn Alex. If you ever need a real man to handle all of those curves you know where to find me.”

“If you ever need someone to show you around a gym to help you lose the curves on your head Jeremy I’d be happy to help.” I smirk, watching as he jokingly scowls at me as Clay crosses the room quickly and wraps his arm around my waist. Jeremy Fowler is probably more ripped than Clay, his body solid and pure muscle. He eats almost as much as me and spends every minute outside of football practice lifting weights and eating protein. Nobody bothers to joke about his figure or his weight because he’s the defnition of Greek God, so everyone rinses him for the fact he’s a skinhead and he has stereotypical skinhead neck rolls.

I stick my tongue out at him as he smashes one of his meaty fists into his palm and then slices his thumb across his neck. “If you weren’t so pretty I’d throw you into the pool.”

“You’re too kind.” I tease as Clay slips around me and hugs me from behind resting his chin on top of my head. He smells like his typical cologne mixed with the scent of beer. I spin in his grip and grab his hand, pulling him out of the room. “Now if you don’t mind boys, I’m just going to steal my boyfriend for a minute.”

I laugh as I hear calls from the rest of the team asking me to steal them instead as we slip into the hallway outside the kitchen. Clay spins me against the wall and presses a soft kiss against my neck, his lips smiling against my skin. “Alex, you look incredible.”

I grin as he pulls away and looks at me in the eyes, his dark hair once again falling front of his eyes. I grab the collar of his jacket and grin at him. “You don’t look too bad yourself, Mr. star quarterback.”

Clay laughs before pulling me in for a hug, burying his head into the crook of my neck. “Lets have a good night tonight, yeah? No fighting, no arguing, just dance together and have a good time. No talking about where we are in our relationship, no talking about anything serious. Lets leave serious till tomorrow.”

“Yeah. I want that too.” I agree as he pulls away from me. I cup his face in my hands and press my lips to his, his tonuge tasting of spearmint and red stripe. His fingers dig into my hips as he kisses me back, our mouths moving quickly against each other. I feel like both of us are kissing sloppily and desperately as we try and find the spark we used to have.

Then April’s front door opens and we jump apart like we were on fire, my cheeks no doubt as red as a tomato. I hate PDA and Clay knows it so he tries to laugh it off as everyone laughs and catcalls us, telling us to get a room. I see Freya rolling her eyes as she wanders into the living room, Raven sending me a wink as she follows.

My throat dries when I see Mackenzie follow them, a weird look in her eyes as she grins at me. She winks and disappears into the room behind her friends.

“Better go get those two from upstairs.” Clay clears his throat when he realises the moment has passed. He kisses my cheek as he heads back towards the kitchen. “I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah.” I nod as I watch him walk back to where his friends are, my fingers running across my swollen bottom lip and wiping away my lipstick that I know I’ll need to fix upstairs.

Because even though we kissed like we used to, I still didn’t feel anything.

And I don’t think he did either.

~•~

The party is in full swing and I’m hammered. Thank God I’m staying here tonight and my parents know that because I have no clue how I’d be getting home.

After that kiss with Clay I just downed drink after drink to the point that I was drinking whatever anyone gave me without a second thought. The football guys thought it was hilarious, as did everyone watching. They were mixing anything and everything and I was drinking it with no problem. I’m glad I’m capable of holding my alcohol otherwise I’d probably be throwing up at this point. I do know that the hangover in the morning is going to be a killer, but at the moment I’m having too much fun to care.

I’m currently dancing with April and Faye, hands in the air and hips moving without a care in the world. I’m sweaty, my dark hair sticking to my face but I don’t care, I’m having far too much fun. I’m grinding on Faye, her crazy laughter heard over the music as I look over my shoulder and grin, my hand gripping April’s as we all dance to the Chris Brown song blaring out of the speakers. We’ve been on the dancefloor for over an hour, and despite desperately needing another drink, I know Clay is in the kitchen and I’m trying my best ro avoid him and follow April’s advice.

“I need a drink!” I hear April shout, Faye saying she’ll go with her. I’m having too much fun so I shake my head and carry on dancing, my eyes closed as I sway to the music by myself, my body feeling like it’s floating because I can’t feel my legs.

Then I collide with another body and my eyes snap open, my mouth ready to release an apology. “I’m…”

“It’s fine.” Mackenzie says to me, her light grey eyes boring into my own. I grin at her, very glad I’m in her presence. I’m drunk, far too drunk, so I allow myself the pleasure of looking at what she’s wearing, my grin widening as I take in her figure. She’s wearing a short denim skirt and a white bandeau that leave very little to my creative imagination, her hair curled and her makeup incredible. To save myself the embarrassment of having to explain why I’m so shamelessly checking her out, I point at her shoes and giggle. “I love your shoes.”

“Sure.” She laughs, slinging her arm over my shoulder and pulling me into dance. “I love your shoes too.”

I make a face because I’m wearing toms and she knows it. She smells like vodka, perfume and coconut, her fingers playing with the strap of my dress as we start to dance crazily to the music. I can feel my body temperature spike with every second she’s holding onto me, my skin feeling like it’s searing off. We’re both leaning on each other, leading me to believe she’s had a similar amount to drink as I have. I try and not stare at her cleavage as we jump to the beat of the song, her hair flying into my face as we do so. I can see droplets of sweat sliding down her neck and onto her chest, and I have to force myself to close my eyes so I don’t do anything stupid.

“Hey, you two!” I snap my eyes up to see Gemma, our goalkeeper, walking towards us with a bright smile on her face. “You need to come and play truth or dare with all of us on the team!”

I would usually roll my eyes at the thought of playing the game that is literally an excuse for people to kiss whoever they want and try and weasel crushes out of people during truths questions. But I’m far to drunk to be mature, and it’s a great chance to bond with the new girls on the team so I nod my head excitedly and grab Mackenzie’s hand to pull her with me.

My hand tingles.

And it’s not because I’m drunk.

We walk into the second room where the drinking games are usually played and see that most of the soccer team are already sat down with various drinks in their hands. April is sat chatting amicably with Raven, a sight that has my eyebrows raising slightly. There’s a few gaps where I could squeeze into, my eyes narrowing at the fact there’s an open space Freya has obviously been saving for Mackenzie. I could be petty and sit there instead, but the thought of having to sit next to Freya for the entirety of the game has me sliding into the gap between April and Raven, grateful looks on both of their faces.

April offers me a glass full of cheap white wine and I drink a large amount of it as the game begins with petty truths and silly dares. Freya punched a low blow when she asked April if she had a crush on anyone and to admit who it was or face the consequence which so happened to be prank call the cops, and even Raven winced when she admitted she liked Derek. I was dared to give Raven a lap dance which I did no problem, and my dare for Gemma to find a random guy and swap clothes with him was pretty funny.

She came back looking like an extra from Step Up, whilst he watched on in a sequin crop top and skirt, his face amused as his friends teased and poked at how good he looked.

It’s now Raven’s turn to ask someone truth or dare and my cup is empty, my mouth dry and I’m tempted to go and grab a refill. I look at April and see her drink is empty. “Do you want another?”

“Yes please.” She says and I start to push myself to feet, only to hear Raven call out her victims name. “Mackenzie, truth or dare.”

I sat down pretty quickly, April not even noticing.

Mackenzie’s enamouring grey eyes are slightly glazed as she sways in her sitting position, her obvious drunken state making me laugh. She makes brief eye contact with me before grinning. “Dare.”

Raven’s smile becomes wicked as her next words have my heart crawling into my throat. “Kiss the girl that would be most likely to make you play for the softball team.”

My ears perk up at the reference to “batting for the other team”. Raven is basically asking which girl would be most likely to make Mackenzie question her sexuality. My ears perk up, because I want to see who she picks.

“Raven, I already bat for the softball team.” Mackenzie laughs boisterously, mine and Freya’s eyes simultaneously looking at her. In fact, most of the team does. Mackenzie doesn’t seem phased, her grin widens. “In case you didn’t understand the hidden joke, I’m already gay, I don’t need turning.”

I can’t help but laugh, and Mackenzie looks at me with a glint in her eyes, Freya’s facial expression far too excited for my liking. Most people don’t even bat an eyelid at her declaration, but I can see Emma, the right winger for our team, curl her lip in distaste.

She’s not a great fan of gay people, and she doesn’t mind making nasty comments towards Freya whenever she misses a shot or sends a pass slightly astray. They’re usually homophobic, but because Freya laughs them off and tells her where to go, nothing is usually said about it.

I don’t think I’d be able to react with the sake calmness that Freya does. We don’t like each other, but it’s the one thing I have a lot of respect for her because of.

Raven just smirks. “Fine I’ll rephrase. Kiss the girl you find most attractive.”

Mackenzie pulls her bottom lip into her mouth as she ponders the question. She thinks about it for quite a while actually. Her eyes scan the circle, as do mine, as I try to work out who she likes most. Pretty much every girl in this group is beautiful in their own way, and none of us look alike. April is the only red head, Raven is the only girl here with any latina heritage. Gemma is the only blonde with brown eyes and I’m the only girl sat with dark hair, pale skin and even paler eyes.

Freya is biting her lip as she tries to control herself, her excitement and optimism obvious to everyone except Mackenzie. I knew that she had a crush on her, I sensed it the minute Mackenzie sat down next to her in homeroom.

Mackenzie nods her head before standing up and walking past Freya, the disappointment evident on her face. She walks across the circle and my heart rate quickens as I realise she’s coming for me. She drops down in front of me with a smirk on her face. “Don’t let this go to your head Alex.”

And then her fingers are in my hair and she’s pulling me in for a kiss.

Mackenzie Daniels is kissing me.

And I kiss her back.