Chapter 4

“Pastor,” she sat down on the other seat, “leave her up to me, she’s been desperate to do something with the computers but the licensing issue threw her a googly but if this is doable then she’ll talk to her bean counters and hopefully we’ll have something up and running soon enough.”

“I’d better get changed then,” Charlie stood up.

“Sorry, I’ll leave you in peace,” Casey also rose.

“Whatever,” Charlie shrugged, “sit down and have a play or sit on the couch, we’re both women after all.”

Casey hesitated before sitting down in Charlie’s seat, leaving the other woman to change out of her checked shirt and the tee shirt and into a pale blue blouse and sneakers. Casey spent the time in a Word processing program and a presentation program.

“I can’t get over how familiar everything is, this is how I remember Word from high school. Can you get this for Windows?”

“Yeah, of course, and Mac.”

“Hard to believe it’s all free,” she murmured.

Some ten minutes later Charlie decided she was ready and Casey ran an approving eye over her.

“And you don’t have a girlfriend? Why not?”

“Long story with a shitty ending.”

“She didn’t leave you, did she?”

“I fucked up badly and blew my chances big time.”

“Okay?” Casey glanced up, “it happens to the best of us,” she turned and stared out the window, “I’ve screwed up my chances with some guy in Sydney because he wanted to take things a little further than I was prepared to go.”

“You got a boyfriend here?”

“No, there are guys I see casually but none of them are boyfriends in the traditional sense, just guys I see socially. I’m a bit cautious there to be honest, which is why I’m seeing Linda because I’m not entirely sure that my sexuality is a binary choice,” she turned back to the computer.

“So, how do I shut this down?”

“Um,” Charlie came back to herself a moment later, “like this,” she leaned over her to show her how to shut the computer down and noticed that Casey didn’t even flinch when she rested a hand on her shoulder a few seconds later.

“Looks easy enough,” she turned around slowly, which forced Charlie to step backwards, “okay, let’s hit the road and head into Ringwood.”

Prior to quitting drinking, Linda had always been something of a technophobe. She’d reluctantly used computers at work because she had to and only grudgingly used a mobile phone that she once threw onto the road in her early days of sobriety. It had broken apart into three pieces but back then her old phone was easy to reassemble, once she took it to an AA member, Natasha who wasn’t afraid of technology. Seeing her put it all back together and then show her a couple of cool features had an effect on her and that, combined with a comment at an AA meeting that any obsession was good as long as it didn’t lead to the first drink led to a sudden interest in technology, specifically her ageing computer.

Initially she went at it hammer and tongs, immersing herself in programs in an attempt to become an expert in seven days or seven hours depending on what she was trying to learn. Natasha soon came to the rescue and started teaching her the fundamentals of computers, and it was Natasha who introduced her to the Linux operating system. She was an uber geek, as opposed to just an ordinary geek like Linda but she’d grown to love the system so much she installed it on her old computer, which was now used as a set top recorder for her television.

There were those inside and outside the fellowship who had even suggested that she should do a course at Tafe and become an IT engineer but Linda preferred psychology and her sex therapy, she had always said that if she worked on computers for a living she’d very quickly turn a hobby into a chore.

“Natasha would be the one for this,” she turned to another computer, “it’s not as simple as just loading it onto a single computer, any idiot can do that but if you want networked computers then she’d be the one to do it although I could help, or,” she glanced at Charlie.

“Me?” Charlie swivelled in her chair.

“Why not?” Linda shrugged, “it’d be a good experience, I’ve got an actual job that does take up quite a bit of time but you’ve got a bit of spare time on your hands.”

Charlie was genuinely surprised at this turnaround but Casey seemed more than willing to take a chance on her.

“So, how much would Natasha charge?”

When Linda told her the cost she nodded.

“Okay, that sounds doable but I have to run it past my boss, and the vicar of course, in the end it all comes down to budgets,” and then seeing the defeated look on Charlie’s face she smiled.

“If we don’t spend all the budget this year we’ll get less next year, there are a couple of projects out there competing for the money but they’re still on the drawing board but if this can be set up within the next three months then we’re well within the deadline.”

Even so, it seemed like a pipe dream to Charlie, whose understanding of budgets amounted to managing a weekly food run and if she needed to buy any luxuries she had to save money for it. Her last two credit cards had sent her into voluntary insolvency, for which she was still making monthly payments.

“It might even come off,” Linda mused as they headed to a meeting later that night, “she’s got the stamina and a good head on her shoulders. They actually poached her for the position after she led a similar project up in Sydney.”

“I don’t know much about her to be honest,” Charlie admitted, “she’s certainly surprised me. I went to her drop in centre last night, it was um, interesting.”

Charlie launched into a brief summary of the previous night and by the time she’d finished Linda was pulling into the carpark of a church in Box Hill.

“So, she outed herself to you,” Linda stared straight ahead, “interesting.”

“That’s in confidence, I think.”

“Doesn’t matter if it is or not,” Linda shrugged, “she will only tell me if she needs feedback, but the things she tells me are in confidence.”

“Of course,” Charlie stared out the window, “but I’m fighting my urges.”

“What for?” Linda stared at her, “you’re gay, you like women and she is an attractive women, both on the outside and the inside,” she propped her arms on the steering wheel.

“The problem with your last attempt was your dishonesty. The feelings and desires you had for Zoe were certainly normal but it was the way you went about it that was wrong, but you’ve made your amends for that. We should neither regret the past nor look for encores. What’s done is done and if you want to get ahead and find this mythical mental stability then you need to do things differently this time around,” she glanced at Charlie.

“If you want to love another then you first have to love yourself. I’ve seen hundreds of people in my office with relationship problems and the one mitigating factor is lack of self love or self esteem, it drives them to make compromises that would’ve been unthinkable, excuse behaviour that is harmful to them and enable abusive and selfish actions. The only way through it is to change your attitude towards you,” she leaned back in her seat.

“Once you change your attitude towards yourself then you either drive those closest to you to make their own adjustments or you drive them away. It’s not a case of me versus him or her, it’s more a case of stepping up to the plate and recognising your own worth, it’s a very attractive quality but it’s so hard to attain.”

“I’ll never get that,” Charlie grunted.

“It’s a daily program,” Linda slapped her leg, “you only have to do it for one day at a time, how do you think I got through my marriage breakup? I was a fucking relationship counsellor who couldn’t even save her own marriage. Believe me, there were plenty of times I stared out the window over a half cold cup of coffee and felt like crawling back into my shell. Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink,” she smirked.

“Get up tomorrow morning and do something small for yourself, you don’t have to spend money to make yourself feel good. Get an attitude of gratitude, write down one thing you’re grateful for that day and if you do that for the next fourteen days you’ll find the old grey blanket starts to lift,” she fixed her eyes on a member walking into the church hall.

“And as for what may or may not happen, leave that up your Higher Power whatever the hell that is for you. You can’t change her or anyone else but you can change yourself.”

Change. It was what she’d been trying to do all her life. She’d resonated with the words on the walls of AA meetings. Alcohol gave me wings to fly and then it took away the sky. Charlie stared at her reflection in the dressing table mirror as she adjusted the collar of a pinstripe blouse. Having said that though, familiarity bred contempt, she fingered the collar. The blouse was something she’d worn at least once or twice a week for the last few months, it was functional and could be quite chic in an understated way. She let her eyes play over the charcoal-grey trousers, they too were worn at least two or three times a week, she actually had a second pair hanging in the wardrobe.

Charlie stared at her reflection and then a moment later she sighed.

“Just fucking do it,” she started unbuttoning the blouse.

The result some three minutes later was definitely racier and yet still suitable office attire, a white blouse buttoned to just above her cleavage tucked into tight black trousers and accessorised with a necklace of white and black beads. The belt had a silver buckle that matched the silver buckles on her shoes, she fastened the black waistcoat and added a black jacket. It only occurred to her as she prepared to head out to work that she’d worn the same blouse and suit the afternoon she’d tried to seduce Zoe.

So, let’s make better memories then.

The outfit certainly made an impression on her colleagues Charlie mused some five hours later as she stepped out of the hot bread kitchen with her purchases in a paper bag and a bottle of orange and mango juice in her hand. Even the shy manager’s P.A had commented on her outfit, Roberta had thought she looked chic and Charlie had the sneaking suspicion that the twenty two year old woman was checking her out discreetly.

But of course I would think that, Charlie mused as she made her way to a nearby bench, it was just the way of the world. No doubt guys thought the same way about Roberta as well. She came to a stop though when she reached the bench, it was right by a tree that had been planted when the paving stones had been laid down. What had been a green initiative had turned into a health and safety nightmare as the root system had pushed the paving stones up to create a tripping hazard. The woman sitting on the bench rubbing her ankle was instantly familiar though. Casey looked up at that moment and grimaced.

“Hiya,” Charlie stepped closer, “what did you do to yourself?”

“Fucking pavers,” Casey sighed, “I was looking at my phone instead of the ground and I stumbled on the pavers. Who plants trees like this on a suburban street? It’s just asking for trouble.”

Charlie sat down beside her and looked down at her ankle.

“A dull ache,” she replied, “but at least nothing’s broken, I stumbled.”

“We’ve got a first aid kit at work,” Charlie looked past her, “although you’d have to walk there.”

“I’ll be okay I think but thanks,” Casey stretched her leg out gingerly, “where do you work?”

“Over there,” she pointed in the direction of the car dealership, “the grand irony of getting sober means that while I can’t legally drive a car I can sell cars.”

“Sucks for you,” she smiled slyly.

“I can go on one of those drink drive programs in six months time or thereabouts. I’ve got a bike in the garage that needs a bit of attention, whenever I’m in the garage I keep looking at it and thinking I should do something with it.”

“I guess so,” Casey eyed the hot bread kitchen, “I might join you for lunch,” she put some weight on her feet, “here goes nothing,” she rose and Charlie got ready in case she fell but a moment or two later she relaxed as Casey limped towards the shop.

She returned some five minutes later with a couple of pasties and a bottle of Coke.

“How’re you feeling now?”

“Better,” she sat down beside her, “I think it was just the initial shock of wrenching my foot on that bloody monstrosity down there,” she scowled at the distorted paving stone.