Chapter 4

Lauren gazed at the piece for a long time. She wanted to ask if she could touch it, but given the subject, that would seem weird. She had forgotten that she was still holding Mika’s hand, and almost jumped when she felt fingers tighten around hers. Returning the pressure, she turned to find the woman watching her.

“You are wondering if I am obsessed with my late wife,” Mika said. Which was not quite true, though the thought had crossed Lauren’s mind. “I am not. I said I still love her, and I always will, but I do have a life without her. We’ve talked about her, maybe we’ve talked too much, but I think it’s important that you know. I find myself sad, at times, but creating this took much of the sting away.”

“After I left the other day I was thinking about what you went through,” said Lauren. “You’d moved from England. You’d given up your degree plans. You lost all of that, too, and right at the time when everyone was isolating and shutting down. You had no support system here, did you?”

Mika gave her a weary smile. “It’s true,” she said. “And with my parents in Ibaraki prefecture, I felt like I didn’t have a home anywhere but the one I’d made with Nicole.” She gestured around with her free hand. “This is home to me, now, and I’m content.”

Lauren looked from Mika to the representation of her wife. Five years ago both faces would have been real. Could her art move beyond recreating that time? “Will you ever sculpt again?”

Mika pursed her lips in thought. She lifted her free hand to indicate a clear glass heart with streaks of pale gold at one end of the shelf. At the other end was a similar heart with pale green streaks. “These two were part of a work I’d planned. Two hearts in random motion, each occasionally eclipsing the other. But I couldn’t make the vision work, and now I don’t know what the individual hearts represent. Sometimes a concept doesn’t come together. I abandoned this one before the accident. I’d like to say I’ll find a new concept, but it can be hard to know. I do feel I’ll get there.”

Mika released Lauren’s hand, then touched her arm, guiding her out of the bedroom. Lauren followed her back to the living room. Inside, Mika closed the door, then stepped close to Lauren, not quite invading her personal space, but her heart skipped a beat.

“There’s one thing that I’m not content with,” Mika said. She was looking at the floor, her cheeks slightly flushed. “You have been very accepting and sensitive, even knowing my… limitations. I like being with you. And I haven’t kissed a woman in several years. I’d like to correct that situation.”

Lauren felt a thrill of excitement. “I did say I want to help, didn’t I?” She leaned toward the woman, who turned her face up. Their lips met, touched, separated, then met again. Mika’s lips were soft against hers.

She relaxed her lips, almost to the point of letting them part, then touched them to Mika’s upper lip, holding the contact for longer. Repeating the move, she allowed her lips to part slightly, testing the waters, as they touched the edge of Mika’s upper lip, sucking gently. She felt the woman step slightly closer, her hands moving to Lauren’s hips. Mika’s lips parted against her lower lip, and the excitement in her belly grew.

Drawing back, she looked into Mika’s eyes. They were darker, a sense of anticipation in her expression. Sliding her own hands around the woman’s waist, she drew her close as she met her parted lips, feeling the movement of her breath against her mouth. Mika pressed her face more firmly to hers, and she sensed a slight groan sneak out of the woman’s throat.

The sound became a catalyst, the kiss deepening almost without her volition. Lauren’s lips parted further, the other woman’s mouth moving as they both changed positions, lips caressing lips. Mika’s arms crept around her, then her tongue lightly brushed Lauren’s. Instantly, her breathing became heavy. The warmth of desire grew within her, and she sought out Mika’s tongue with her own, caressing it.

Mika groaned again. Her hands left Lauren, then reappeared at the back of her neck, one drifting down to her shoulder blades as the other pinned Lauren’s face to hers.

This time Lauren groaned with the intensity of her craving. Mika might have been five years without being kissed, but it was at least two years for her, and much more since she’d kissed anyone with close to Mika’s passion. She was going to have trouble not wanting more. Correction – she already wanted more. She was going to have trouble not pushing for more. The feel of the woman’s lips, her tongue, her scent, her body against Lauren’s chest…

She laughed. She couldn’t help it, drawing back as quickly as Mika, clearly startled, did. The woman blinked a few times.

“Sorry,” Lauren wheezed. “I suddenly thought about having small british tits pressed against me.”

Mika grinned in amusement, then reached to take her hand. “To be fair, you did,” she said. “And they weren’t complaining.” She turned Lauren toward the sofa.

“Of course they weren’t,” Lauren retorted. “They’re just painted birds on cotton.”

Lauren sat on the sofa. She hoped there’d be more kissing, but she didn’t want to push. Though maybe she should. Waiting for Mika to take the lead might allow her to stay within her boundaries, but it put pressure on her in a different way, making her responsible for the progress of their relationship. Maybe Lauren needed to share the load.

The obvious answer was to talk about it.

Mika brought the ever present tray with tea and cookies. “Can I put on a CD? How far do your classical tastes extend?” she asked. “Shostakovich? Shoenberg? Sibelius? Schubert? Stravinski?”

Lauren grinned. “Anyone not beginning with S?”

“Probably, if I look hard enough. What letter would you prefer?”

“Just play something you like,” Lauren said.

Mika selected a CD from the rack, slid it into a slot, then returned to the sofa with a remote. The piece began; a bright solo violin over quiet strings. Lauren recognized it, but didn’t want to derail the conversation she wanted to have.

Disturbed by the sounds from beside her ear. Janeway stood, giving the speaker a disgusted glare. Mika sipped her tea.

“Uh, I’m sorry about laughing a few minutes ago,” Lauren said. “I interrupted the kissing. Would you like to… continue?”

Mika gave her an uneasy look. “I would, and I wouldn’t. At least, not today. You’re the first girl I’ve kissed in five years. I enjoyed it very much. Enough that I feel nervous.” She set her tea down, then reached for Lauren’s hand. “I think there will be more snogging in our future, if I don’t manage to drive you away.”

“I think you’ll have to try harder to do that,” Lauren said, her hand nestling into the woman’s. “I like you, Mika. I’m willing to wait. Especially if there will be more snogging. That, uh, is the same as kissing, right?”

“Well, yes, but not quite,” said Mika. “I’d say kissing with feeling. You wouldn’t snog your mum or a friend. You don’t pass the snog of peace at church, unless it’s a very unusual church.”

“Making out?” Lauren suggested.

“More or less, I suppose,” Mika agreed, “but just the kissing part.” She grinned. “Honestly, I think that’s the first time I’ve used the word since first year uni. I used to like a good snog. I snogged a lot of girls before Nicole. She and I did, of course, but snogging means something more casual to me.”

“You told me a little about how you and she met, the other day,” Lauren said, “but I think I’d like to know her better. Would you tell me more about her?”

Mika’s eyes clouded. Her hand seemed to go tense in Lauren’s. It was several seconds before she nodded, slowly. “I think I would,” she said. She released Lauren’s hand to pick up her tea. Lauren felt regret when she continued to hold the tea instead of her hand. She took a sip of her own tea. It was good.

The lighting in the living room was low. Lauren caught a glint of blue in Mika’s eyes, realizing after a moment that it was the reflection of the glow of the sound system. After a moment, her companion nodded. “I’d come out to my parents just before leaving for uni. They weren’t as surprised as I’d expected. Maybe a little disappointed, hoping they’d been wrong about me, but mostly supportive. I’d had girlfriends before then, but at my all-girl boarding school, where it was both not uncommon and a deep, dark secret.

“After telling them, I could come out of the closet, and although I was shy I seemed to be popular with the girls. Mostly artists.”

“This is when all the snogging happened,” suggested Lauren.

“Well, yes. And maybe a bit more,” she said. There was a distant look in her eyes again, but this time the memories seemed to be fond ones. “I’d seen Nicole around and thought she was cool, even though she was a Yank.” She gave Lauren a quick smirk. “But I’d never have talked to her. She was older, and a doctoral student. Her field was cell biology. We got tossed onto the same Pride project. She was everything I wasn’t. Outgoing, American, sciency, brilliant. She had international scholarships for her doctorate. But we hit it off, somehow, and were dating by the end of the year. We were going to stay in England, and we’d talked about getting married, but she was recruited by a biotech startup. She was going to turn it down, but I persuaded her to come back to talk to them, and she couldn’t pass up the opportunity.

“So we were long distance for a year. Then she proposed, the gay marriage ruling happened, and Nicole worked frantically to get me a marriage visa.

“After we married, I lived with her and Janeway in an apartment. She was a senior scientist at, umm, twenty-six, I guess, and the company was outperforming expectations, so she was well paid. I told her I didn’t want to be a kept woman,” she said, with a brief grin, “so I took a job with a wedding photographer and found I loved it. In 2018 we bought this place, and I started my own business. In 2019 the company went public. Nicole’s shares were vested, and it looked like we were set for life.” She sighed. “But that turned out to be only half a year. I’ve told you about that, though.

“My parents had visited for the wedding, and they returned for the funeral. They were very supportive, but they live half a world away. Nicole’s parents became my rock, but even they are a good distance away. They live on the coast. We arranged to bury her near them, because travelling is much easier for me than it would be for them.”

“Do you visit often?” Lauren asked, softly.

“St. Valentine’s day, without fail,” Mika replied, promptly. “And whenever her parents invite me for anything, so maybe three to four times a year.”

She was silent for a long time. Lauren wasn’t sure if she should say something else about her situation. Eventually Mika spoke again.

“Thank you for letting me tell you this,” she said. Her smile was genuine, if still touched with a hint of sorrow. “I still worry that you think I’m obsessed with her, but even a year ago I couldn’t have shared so much, and it helps me enormously to be able to speak about it.”

Lauren chanced reaching for her hand again. Mika smiled as she took it, and returned her squeeze. “I want you to be comfortable with me, Mika. Nicole is important to you, and I wouldn’t want you to feel you have to hide that.”

In response, her companion lifted her hand to her lips and kissed her knuckles. She gave her a smile that held very little of the sadness of moments earlier. “Thank you,” she said again. Releasing Lauren’s fingers, she asked, “Can I bring you more tea?”

“Yes, please,” Lauren replied. She would offer to help, but Mika seemed to want to provide this kindness.

When her companion returned, Lauren said, “I like this.”

“The tea?” Mika seemed puzzled, since she’d just set the cup down for her.

“Well, that, yes, but I meant the music. It’s Mendelsohn? Not an S.”

“It is,” Mika agreed. “Hilary Hahn. But it’s followed by Shostakovich.”

Lauren chuckled. “Maybe we can move on to another letter next time.”

Mika’s smile held affection. “This is one thing I’m pleased to be able to share. I could never interest Nicole in most of the music I like. She was all Miley Cyrus and Beyoncé.”

“Don’t you diss my Miley!” Lauren objected. “I grew up with Hannah Montana! Though I love Miley more than Hannah. And Beyoncé is great! I bet you’re not a Swiftie, either.”

Mika pursed her lips and blinked. “I don’t really dislike any of them,” she said. “I never objected to Nicole blasting Beyoncé when she had a difficult work problem to solve. I just didn’t get into it.”

Lauren sighed. “It’s alright. Not everyone has good taste.” She gave a half smile to show she wasn’t serious. “I won’t try to convert you. Did you not grow up with Hannah Montana? Wasn’t it a thing in the UK?”

“I suppose it was popular enough, but no, it never caught my attention,” Mika said. “I sincerely regret the absence of good taste on my part.”

“No you don’t,” Lauren said, “but I forgive you.”

Mika gave her a shy smile. “Uh, would you like me to get tickets to the symphony this weekend?”

Lauren frowned. “Surely it’s sold out now?”

“I think I can find us something. If you’d like to go,” Mika said.

“Well, okay, if you can, I’d like that.”

Partway through the subsequent Shostakovich concerto, Lauren felt a touch on her leg. Looking down, she found Janeway, who had climbed over Mika, trying to push between them. She absently petted the cat as it settled for curling up on both of them.

When the CD was finished, Lauren eased herself out from under the cat, who gave her an annoyed glare. “I should head home,” she said. “Let me know about the concert.”

Mika stood, too. The cat let out an exasperated mew, then stalked out of the room.

At the door, Lauren turned to face Mika, who was right behind her. She wasn’t sure if she should give her a goodnight kiss. After the session in the hallway, she’d have expected so, but would it be insensitive to kiss Mika after she’d shared so much personal story around her late wife?