Chapter 42

I spent every waking minute of the winter break with either Mackenzie or my parents. I replied to a few texts from the soccer team, and I did arrange to meet Freya, but I ignored everyone else. I wasn’t really in the mood to speak to people.

I almost felt like I was watching myself drift through the break. Sort of like an out-of-body experience. I watched myself wake up, have breakfast with my family, catch up on my winter assignments, throw my phone around my room depending on who messaged me, and then just stare at the ceiling until Mackenzie turned up and forced me to do something.

Mackenzie definitely made me feel better. In fact, she did a little bit more than that, but then she’d have to go home and my mood would fall into something more sombre again.

I have to admit, my Christmas had very mixed reviews. It started well, dipped in the middle, and then ended on several highs if you catch my drift. I feel a lot closer to Mackenzie now, and I can’t speak for her, but I think she feels the same. She laughs more, and now that she knows that I love her, it’s like the declaration has unlocked an affectionate side of her she was afraid to bring out before.

I blocked Clay and Faye. I debated keying their cars or slashing their tyres, but I think I’m a little bit above criminal damage that could cost me a scholarship. But only by a little. My head is a complete and utter mess about all of it. I can wrap my head around April and Will, partly because I have been forced to see them, but Faye and Clay is just something that I never in a million years imagined happening, never mind the fact it happened when it did. It’s not like I wouldn’t have been happy for them if they told me about it. They were my best friends, and all I wanted for them was happiness. If they had come and spoken to me after we broke up and said they liked each other, I wouldn’t have batted an eyelid. I would’ve been happy for them because Clay and I are over, and I’m in a very secure relationship with Mackenzie. Why would I have been cross about it?

I can’t help but have my head run through everything again. I know I did this a few weeks ago, but I cannot let this lie. I am overthinking to the point that I’m driving myself insane. Were they seeing each other before we broke up? Did we break up because of them? Why did he choose me?

All of these questions spin around my head at a thousand miles per hour, but the last one keeps recurring. Why did he pick me? Did he feel obligated to? I have a feeling deep in my gut that those two are together again, so why bother having me in the middle of something you two so clearly wanted to explore and have possibly been exploring behind my back for the past eight months?

“Ugh!” I groan, slamming my head back on my pillow. The more I think about it, the more confused I feel. I don’t feel like I can speak to anyone about it because normally, I would go to April about this, and I know she’d have my back. But I don’t feel like we’re in a good enough place to just pick up where we left off.

The worst part is, winter break will be over at the end of the weekend and I’ll have to go back to school and ignore three people I saw as my best friends before the break started.

I don’t really know how I’m going to approach the situation. I have Mackenzie, I know that, and I have the soccer girls, but I don’t want to alienate April from her friends because I know she would avoid sitting at the same table as me in order to give me space.

My phone pings with a text, the noise breaking me from my internal monologue.

Freya: Fancy meeting for a coffee?
Freya: Also don’t make it weird that I’m asking.

I find myself chuckling for the first time since I saw Mackenzie three days ago. I must admit, Freya is growing on me. Now, I never thought that I would ever say that. But I just think neither of us have given the other a chance, and now that we have, I actually quite like the girl.

I feel bad that I wasted three years despising her when she’s actually pretty cool. I think we clashed because we’re really quite similar. She has the same dry sense of humour that I took for arrogance, and I do regret the way I’ve treated her since freshman year.

I find myself texting her back, and we agree to meet in thirty minutes at a coffee shop attached to the bookstore I haven’t visited in years. I quickly pull on a thick, woollen sweater and some black flares, not wanting to take any chances with the quick changes in weather. I wrap a chequered scarf around my neck and grab my bag, not bothering with makeup or anything fancy. I can’t even be bothered to put my contact lenses in, so I settle for wearing my glasses that I only use when I’m feeling really lazy.

I step out of my room and almost crash into April, who’s just leaving my brother’s room across the hall. I see her visibly cringe when I see that she’s wearing one of my brother’s tees and a pair of her underwear, and I find myself awkwardly looking anywhere but at her. It’s not like I haven’t seen her wear this little before. We’ve stayed at each other’s houses plenty enough, but whilst I am used to seeing her with my brother, I still find it slightly weird, especially when she looks like she stayed over and has done god knows what that ends with her wearing his shirt and nothing else.

“I was just getting some water,” April mumbles awkwardly.

“Well, you know where the cups are,” I muse, a small smile pulling at the corner of my lips. “You do know my parents are still here right?”

“Uh, no.” April’s embarrassed expression deepens, her cheeks darkening. “I think I’ll go and put some shorts on.”

“Probably best for you,” I chuckle. “It’s one thing bumping into me wearing that, but I think you might give my dad a heart attack.”

April nods her head and then seems to notice I’m fully dressed. “You going to see Mackenzie?”

“Actually, no,” I admit, shouldering my bag as it’s begun to slip down my arm. “I’m meeting Freya for a coffee.”

I see April’s face flash with surprise but she masks it, nodding her head and running her hand through her hair. I don’t know why, but I feel the need to explain myself. I would’ve told her about the fact I quite like Freya, but due to the lack of communication from us recently and the surprise of seeing her on Christmas Day with my brother, I never really found the time.

“We kind of made peace on the ski trip,” I explain, a note of understanding crossing April’s face. “She’s friends with Mackenzie, and I wanted to make the effort for her. Turns out she’s not the cow we always had her down as.”

“Well I’m glad that grudge has been squashed,” April says before bouncing on her feet slightly. “I won’t keep you. Have fun, and say hi to Freya for me.”

I nod that I will and sort of awkwardly walk away as April slips back into my brother’s room to grab some shorts.

April and I are slowly mending our relationship, but I think we both know that we probably won’t ever return to the way it used to be. The thought makes me sad because April has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I think that we can get past it, that I can let bygones be bygones, but I remember how deep I felt the hurt in my chest when I realised that I was expected to bare all of my secrets but she didn’t, and I realise it will never be as simple as me “getting over a grudge.”

We have to rebuild the trust from the ground up, and that’s not a quick thing. 

~•~

The coffee shop was only a short walk from my house, so I didn’t bother wasting fuel driving. It’s cold, but not freezing to the point that I regret my decision. The floor is still dusted with snow, and the sun feels warm on my face despite the nip clinging to the wind. You can tell that the holiday season is over, with Christmas trees lying discarded at the end of gardens, lights no longer at every window frame. I find myself burying my face in the warm material of my scarf every time the wind blows a particularly bitter breath in my direction, the warm air exhaled from my mouth steaming up my glasses.

Even Mrs. Kramer, famously known for leaving her blow-up Christmas decorations on her lawn till near February, has begun to disassemble the giant inflatable sleigh.

By the time I push open the doors to the cafe, I am grateful to be out of the cold. The smell of books and coffee greet me along with the gust of the heating, and I quickly find Freya’s fiery curls amongst the sea of hats and grey hair. She’s sat quietly in the corner in a sofa chair, her nose buried in a book whilst her coffee sits untouched, swirls of steam suggesting to me she just ordered it.

“Hope I haven’t kept you long,” I say, startling her from her book as I throw my bag down on the couch across from her before I drop into the vacant space. “I decided to walk.”

Freya pulls an airpod from her ear and smiles at me, putting the book back into her bag. “I’ve been here a little bit, but I was in the bookstore first, so don’t worry about it.”

I quickly run off and order myself a latte before sitting across from Freya on the couch. Her hair is shorter than when I last saw her, and she’s plaited a few braids into the strands of hair falling in front of her eyes.

“I still find it weird that we’re sitting here having coffee when not even six months ago, we hated each other’s guts.” Freya chuckles, picking up her drink and taking a sip. I can’t help but smile at the comment, knowing full well that if we were forced into this situation at the beginning of the school year, we’d be ripping each other’s hair out. “Who knew you coming out was all it took for us to start liking each other.”

“Well not entirely.” I muse, shrugging my jacket off my shoulders. “The hatred increased when Mackenzie took a liking to me.”

Freya snorts, waving her hand in the air in a joking dismissal. “That’s water well and truly under the bridge. You and Mackenzie are good for each other, it was just a jealous little crush that caused that drama.”

We sit and catch up about how Freya’s Christmas went and what she did for New Year. I opted to bow out of new year’s celebrations, opting to stay up watching the TV with my parents, drinking a flute of Prosecco when the bells chimed in Times Square, and then took myself off to bed. Freya’s sister took her to a party with her college friends, and she went red in the face as she admitted that she’d kissed Rosie, one of her sister’s friends from college, when the chimes went off.

I did tease her a little bit for it, but she just smirked at all the jousting comments and brushed them off.

“You’ve definitely been keeping in touch with her, haven’t you?” I press, taking delight in the fact she clams up ever so slightly. The barista brings my drink over, which halts the conversation slightly, and when I look back, Freya is still blushing like a tomato. “Oh my God, you definitely have.”

“We have a date next Saturday,” Freya admits almost bashfully, then looks at me with a joking glare. “Now stop pressing me for details. Tell me, what have you been doing?”

I pause, ever so slightly, as I debate lying and telling her that it wasn’t very eventful and try and move the conversation on. Then I mull it over. Freya will definitely work out that something happened over Christmas when I come back to school and start ignoring the three people I was inseparable from just weeks ago, and this has been the first time all holiday that I’ve actually felt like I can talk to someone about what’s going on.

“Do you want the long version, or should I lie and say I had a good time?”

Freya’s eyebrow raises slightly at my words, pausing as she begins to take a sip from her drink. “Do you want me to ask you for the long version?”

“Kind of,” I admit, squirming slightly in my seat.

“Then tell me how your Christmas honestly went.”

So I tell her. I tell her about the photo of Clay and Faye, and I tell her about my brother bringing April over for Christmas dinner and how I wasn’t aware of anything. I even mention how I’m starting to come around to the thought of them, but still find it weird when she leaves his room in his clothes, like this morning. I offload every emotion that I have felt about every ordeal that has happened in these last two weeks, and the longer I talk, the lighter I feel.

She listens, she doesn’t interrupt, and she occasionally chips in with comments of support or surprise, and it’s only now I realise how desperate I have been to speak to someone about this and how I haven’t really been able to. Freya acts like how April and Faye used to, and it’s so unbelievably freeing to get all of this off my chest.

I wasn’t all doom and gloom. I talked about Mackenzie and how she met my parents and how it went well. I eluded the fact that we’d actually slept together, but I think Freya caught on as she smirked when I suddenly stopped explaining what I got her for Christmas. I thought that part might’ve been awkward, but she seemed genuinely happy for me, which was quite surprising.

All I’ve wanted to do is gush about Mack and me to someone, and I haven’t been able to due to the actions of everyone that I had deemed my best friends, so Freya is basically an angel in disguise at this moment in time, and I’m glad it didn’t feel weird talking about how well it was going with my girlfriend who she used to have a heavy crush on.

“Well it sounds like you’ve had enough drama to last a lifetime.” Freya laughs as she settles back into her seat, her coffee cup sitting empty on the table. “Have you thought about what you’re going to do when you get back to school?”

“Honestly, I haven’t got the faintest clue,” I groan. “I’m definitely not speaking to Clay or Faye, and I just feel awkward with April at the moment, but I don’t want to alienate her from any of her soccer friends by sitting with them and making her feel like she can’t.”

“You’re being a lot more mature about it than I would be,” she remarks. “I would be making sure everyone knew that I’d fallen out with them.”

“Nah,” I pick at my nails as I break eye contact. “I don’t want the drama. I just want them to stay away from me.”

“Well, you know you’re welcome to sit with me and Maeve.” Freya hums but says no more, and that ends the conversation about my dramatic winter break.

We discussed easier topics, such as the physics homework and the project for political sciences, which I’m grateful for. Despite the fact I was desperate to talk about things with someone that wasn’t Mack, the conversation did leave me somewhat drained again. I don’t want to feel like I’m constantly complaining to my girlfriend, so knowing that Freya is here is quite nice.

Who knew we’d be here, enjoying one another’s company and exchanging favourite book titles without any sarcasm or threats to rip throats out?

Because I definitely didn’t, but I’m glad to be proved wrong.

~•~

I groaned when my alarm went off.

I had been dreading the sound as it was a reminder that school was back in session, and I would soon have to see two people I could not stand in less than an hour. I sat in bed for my first snooze and debated pulling a sicky.

My parents aren’t home, so it wouldn’t be difficult to get away with, especially with how they barely check their phones when at work, which is ironic as they’re always on them at home.

I decided to go into school because I know that the longer I delay facing them, the worse it’s going to be for me when it actually happens. I already feel sick with anxiety, so I can only imagine how bad it would be if I kept putting it off.

It also helped that Mackenzie texted me saying she’d be around to pick me up in thirty minutes. I know for a fact she wouldn’t let me stay off if it’s because I’m scared of facing my old friends. She’d no doubt come up with a riveting speech about how I’m the soccer captain and I’ve screamed at girls for doing worse, so I need to woman up and get on with it.

I know that she’d be telling the truth, but I’d never admit that to her.

I’ve been sitting in front of the mirror for the past fifteen minutes, trying to match the wings of my eyeliner. I debated not bothering with makeup, but I don’t want to look a mess in front of those two. I want to give off “bad bítch” vibes, even if I definitely don’t feel it on the inside.

So I opted for not quite a full face but just enough that people will notice and also help me feel more confident. There isn’t a great deal I can do with my outfit with it being winter, other than make a point of wearing Mackenzie’s old school soccer hoodie with her name on the back and a pair of flares.

I check the time, and I still have fifteen minutes before Mack turns up, so I make sure that my bag has all of my books in it and my phone is fully charged before going downstairs to grab a coffee and my lunch from the fridge.

I find Will sat at the counter with his back to me, his dark inky curls nearly brushing his shoulders as he stares blankly downwards as he eats cereal. I find myself halting in my tracks at the sight of him. Whilst April and I have been working on building our relationship, Will and I haven’t.

We don’t talk the way we used to, hell, we barely talk in general. He won’t even ask me to pass him the salt. He’ll just awkwardly reach around me to grab it. Our relationship has somewhat soured since Christmas, and we’ve let the atmosphere stagnate into an awkward phase where communication is off the cards.

I ignore him as I walk past him towards the fridge, opening the door and grabbing my food without sparing him much of a glance. I almost feel too uncomfortable with the thick silence to make myself a coffee, but I’m tired and I know that I’ll regret the decision if I don’t.

So I turn on the coffee machine and lean against the counter, the stifling silence in the kitchen only interrupted by the occasional whizz and whirr of my coffee being made in my travel mug so I can run out of this situation the second it’s finished.

By the time my drink is done, the silence has become unbearable, and I hate it. My brother has always been my best friend and greatest supporter, and the fact that we can barely look at each other genuinely pains me. It was just three weeks ago that he was comforting me and supporting me during my coming out to my parents, and now we’re behaving like we’re strangers.

“My argument was never with you and April being a couple.” I find myself saying without thinking, watching with disappointment as he doesn’t bother to look in my direction. “It was the fact she kept it from me when she made me open up about so many things I wasn’t comfortable about.”

Will says nothing, so I sigh and decide not to bother trying to make conversation again. I put the lid on my drink and walk past him, squeezing his shoulder as I pass. “We’re fixing things. I hope we can do the same.”

I leave the house without waiting to see if he responds.

~•~

Hello everyone!!

Here is the newest chapter and by my recent standards it comes very quickly! I know it wasn’t filled with drama or Alex and Mackenzie, but patience is a virtue and you know that I pull through!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. These filler chapters are helping me develop plot lines to set up for a potential sequel, if I feel like writing it. This book is coming to a close and I feel I’ve kept Alex and Mackenzie’s relationship pure and positive, with little to no drama and I know that this book will be the end of their story.

But the start for someone else.

I have a few ideas to work with but let me know in the comments whose journey you’d like to follow next!!!

Anyways, that’s thinking too far ahead. We’re still here with Alex and Mackenzie and we’ve still got chapters left to go, so let me know what you think of this chapter and I’ll hopefully see you soon with some more Alex and Mack content!!

Also, who loves Freya’s casting and aesthetic above?! I changed it several times because I couldn’t get it to fit but I’m finally happy and there you go!

Love,

Lauryn