Chapter 41

Sofia drove. And she cried, too. Shit is doomed, but people act like it isn’t.

Sofia drove, and she couldn’t find Dustin. It was already dark out, she was running out of gasoline, so she drove to the gas station. 

Inside, she stared at the cheap bottles. She grabbed one, too. Thinking about it for a second. No. She payed for the gas and left.

But she did stop the car in a random street and smoked two joints. Window open, she watched as the smoke flew. It looked pretty.

By the end, she was feeling nauseous, but that’s alright. Sofia kept on searching for Dustin.

And it was in a street near the cemetery that she found her brother walking alongside his bike. She let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. 

She stopped the car and ran towards him. He hadn’t noticed her since she drove from behind.

“Where the hell were you?” Sofia asked, walking towards her brother.

He jumped in place but didn’t look back. “I fell” he responded, hearing her catch up to him. Walking faster.

“You were falling for three hours?” Sofia said, sarcastically, because she was mad but she felt something was wrong, and she wanted him to feel safe.

She catches up to him right away, placing a hand on his shoulder, making him stop. “I fell” he repeated, as Sofia’s expression grew more shocked. 

“Where the fuck did you fall?” Sofia said, really joking now, the seriousness of the situation not fully crossing her mind, but now not mad, because how can she be mad at her beat-up brother. His face all bloody, it can’t be real.

He only looked at her for one second, but his expression changed drastically. 

“Doesn’t matter” Dustin said, shaking her hand off his shoulder, beginning to walk away.

She scoffed and tried to stop him again, but he shoved her. “Dustin, get in the car” she said, now mad, because her beat-up brother is being too stubborn.

His bike creaked as he walked away. “Dustin, get in the fucking car” she repeated, heavy steps.

“Should you even be driving being that high?” Dustin snapped, stopping in his tracks, turning to face Sofia, dropping the bike.

She just stared at him. What the fuck. The wind blew against her face, her red eyes teary.

“It was Andy, right?” she asked, trying to change the subject.

“Yeah, congrats, you had a thought” Dustin said, “It doesn’t seem to happen much lately”.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sofia asked quietly, though it didn’t sound like a question. His voice was loud, she started feeling nauseous again.

“Are you kidding me? I can’t even go to your room to talk to you anymore ’cause it stinks, it reeks of weed! You’re never here. So no, I won’t get in the car with you. You’re not my fucking sister anymore, I don’t recognize you. Honestly, I don’t know how Robin still puts up with you…” Dustin said, loudly.

But the synapses weren’t functioning. Her brain couldn’t register things properly. So, she just stared at him. Truthfully, she didn’t know what to say. And she couldn’t think of anything to say.

Sofia watched Dustin pick up his bike and walk away. Tears rolled down her face. He was right. He was right and that’s what hurt the most. But she had gone through so much stress just to find him tonight.

So, she got in her car and followed him. Still crying, yes, but to make sure he was safe. In a minute or two he found Steve, so she just drove away.

God, how she cried. Sofia hated herself so much. Just like she did when she was five, nine, twelve, fifteen, sixteen. Dangerous, dangerous thoughts.

Quietly, she got home, walked into her room and closed the door. Dustin’s right, her room smells like shit. She opens the window, wishing she lived on a third or forth floor so she could jump out and die.

I don’t know how Robin puts up with you.

Where even is she right now? Was it another successful crawl? Did they finally kill Vecna and end this nightmare? Was she finally going to be able to move out?

Sofia wished for a miracle. She longed for the time she didn’t hate herself. End of ’85. That was nice. The rush of a crush, the whimsy of seventeen, pretty sober and on fire. 

The clock read 02:59. Her silent cries weren’t enough to release the impending sadness on her body.

Sofia wished she hadn’t remembered about the box cutter in her drawer.

Robin was walking through the woods with Will. Her mind was 80% on Sofia and 20% on her antenna theory. Was Sofia at home? Was she safe, sleeping in her bed? Why didn’t she stay with Dustin, Steve and Jonathan? Why did she drive away? Why wouldn’t Dustin give any more details? 

Robin was thinking of Sofia. Why did she let her walk away?

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, how’s your leg?” Robin decided to ask Will, saving any future trouble for her girlfriend.

“My leg?” Will asked back, confused, visibly nervous.

“Yeah, from hitting the equipment back in the Squawk… in the afternoon” Robin said, referring to the metal sound that scared her during the make out session.

“Oh, no, no. I hit the door” Will lied, and Robin could see straight through him.

“Weird. I could have sworn it was you, but… You’ve known Sofia for ages, right?” Robin asked, trying to pick her words wisely.

“Yeah” Will said, tripping on a stick.

“Well, we’re friends. Good friends. But, uh… The thing is, some people might not understand our friendship. Basically, what I’m trying to say is if you did hit the equipment and did see something, it might just be better if, uh, nobody knew, if it stayed between us” Robin said, hesitantly.

“I didn’t see anything” Will said, not even being able to make eye contact with Robin.

It was already morning when they started biking back to the Squawk, going to check Sofia’s house in the process. But their plan was ruined by Joyce finding them.

Robin did have the guts to ask Joyce “Could you just, uh, drop me off at the Henderson’s…? Please”, to which she agreed to, probably dying to get rid of Robin.

So now she was standing by the door, unsure of what to do. Were they in a fight fight or just a fight? Was Sofia still mad at her? Was Sofia even home?

Robin ringed the bell, and waited for a moment. Sofia, still dressed in that dark floral dress, opened the door.

Her expression changed in a quick second at the sight of Robin. It went from sleepy to sad to relieved. 

In a desperate gesture, Sofia hugged Robin, really tight, and started crying. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” she said, repeating it over and over again.

Robin closed the door with her foot, feeling Sofia melt into the hug. She was confused, like once Sofia made her feel with her randomness but now with her constant sadness. 

“Why are you apologizing? I’m sorry. You were right, I should’ve been more worried about Dustin. I just get so focused in one thing at times that I can’t even think about anything else” Robin said, because it was the truth, holding Sofia so so tight.

“It’s okay” Sofia whispered, and Robin realized she wasn’t apologizing just because of their fight, but also because of something else. A feeling in her gut that wasn’t nice. 

“I’m sorry for being so out of it most of the time. I’m really sorry. I should be a better girlfriend, I know I can be… but Vecna, what he showed me… it’s eating me alive. I don’t know how else to deal with it. It’s been making everything in my life total shit. I really love you, I don’t know how you still put up with me. I’ll change, I swear I’m going to change. I’m going back to how I was. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I’m sorry” Sofia cried, gagging on words, sobbing.

Robin knew. She knew this was all about Vecna, and she knew Sofia had surely relapsed. This behavior is more common now but not all that normal. But she’s still worried and didn’t like what she heard.

“I put up with you because I love you. It’s easy, really” Robin said, her voice calm, soothing Sofia’s mind.

“I… I’ll stop smoking. I want to live again. I want to believe we can end this” Sofia said, because it was the truth.

“I won’t say that I’ll miss seeing you high every day” Robin joked, to which Sofia chuckled, “but I love every part of you. Even the stoner part. So, take your time. I’ll always be here”.

Hearing that last sentence, Sofia squeezed Robin more tightly. She found it weird, but kissed her forehead in consolation.

“I know you care about Dusty. He’s just been scaring me, so I’m afraid to leave him alone, yeah?” Sofia explained, because she and Dustin share the same blood and they might share the same thoughts, and those thoughts mixed with loneliness never did her any good.

I want to believe we can end this, Sofia said. To believe, yes. To stop feeling so helpless, so lost. To have a future, yes. 

So, as Sofia made toast, Robin made coffee and updated her on everything that had happened while she was gone.

They ate quickly, as they had to go to the Squawk meet with the rest. Sofia was eager to put an end on all this, and it felt like this situation was reaching its breaking point.

I want to live again, Sofia said.

A/N: im so glad that im finally being able to squeeze my writing style into this story :’) i had the funnest time developing it and i think i wrote some of my best stuff on my other story called “if i could talk i’d tell you”! go check it out if you’d like <3 

updates are slow but are coming!