Chapter 39

January 1987.

“What if we’re just trauma bonded?” Sofia asked, sitting in bed with her knees in her chest.

“We’re not” Robin replied quietly, defeated. It’s her fault, it’s all her fault. In the bathroom, she cleaned the tiles.

“I don’t want you to feel trapped by me” Sofia said, looking at the end of her bed.

“I don’t… You know I love you” Robin said, flushing the toilet. Faint red color.

There’s silence. Silence that they can’t explain. Silence that’s been slowly eating Sofia, rotting the inside.

“I’m sorry you had to see that” Sofia said, tears choking her voice.

Robin, who had sat at the end of the bed, got up and sat next to her girlfriend, embracing her.

“I’m sorry. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing” Sofia said, her head on Robin’s chest, hair caressed by her too.

Robin didn’t know what to do, what to say. She couldn’t talk to Steve about it. Dustin didn’t have to know, he’s got the blues too. 

The Henderson house, once the epicenter of happiness, now had a dark loaded cloud above it.

Life’s not been nice to the Henderson’s.

Surviving going through grief and navigating the possibility of Robin dying has been too much, too much to deal with without bad old habits.

If not too high to have a single thought (a brand new habit), then she’s in the bathroom, like Robin found her today. I’ll kill you with my bad habits, Sofia once thought when she looked at Robin.

Robin too, suffering with all the change in Hawkins, but also with the change within Sofia. And there’s one question, one that’s made her want to rip her head off. What did Vecna show to Sofia?

She refuses to say, gets weird every time Robin asks about it. But she knows, she knows that if it’s so bad that Sofia can’t say it out loud, it’s because it’s awful.

“Was it about Dustin?” Robin asked one time, in early July.

“No, it wasn’t” Sofia said, nothing else.

Sofia doesn’t talk about it. Robin doesn’t like it, but what could they do? She suggested moving away, but with what money? And leaving Dustin here? 

March 1987.

“Please, just take me with you” Sofia begged. It was night, she’s been at it for a few minutes. She showed up out of nowhere, just when Murray was about to drive away.

“Please, Murray, please. I can’t take this anymore. I can’t be here, I hate it here. Please” she begged once again.

She was scratching her wrist, her eyes were red.

“I am not taking you anywhere, kid!” Murray said, having already lost his patience. “You’ve got to stop this!”.

He closed the door to the truck, but the window was open, so she could hear him. He locked the doors and turned the truck on.

Sofia stumbled to the front of the truck and got blinded by the lights. Murray started yelling at her to go away, but she wouldn’t.

“Please, take me with you! Please, please, Murray…” she yelled, while crying, while rocking back and forth. 

“You need to go to the mental hospital!” Murray yelled, before honking repeatedly.

“No! I want out!” Sofia yelled, eyes closed because the headlights were too bright, covering her ears because the honk was too loud. 

Robin and Steve rushed out of the Squawk, hearing yells and honks.

“What the hell is going on?!” Steve yelled, walking up to the driver’s side, alongside Robin.

The two looked confused, but Robin ran to Sofia the second she saw her. And she was confused, but she hugged the girl tightly. 

Sofia cried like never before. She cried like a baby, on Robin’s arms.

“She’s drunk” Murray told Steve, “Kept begging me to take her away from here”.

Steve nodded and looked at the girl crying in Robin’s arms. The girl that once called him from the hospital, trying not to cry because of her broken wrist. The girl that he’s grown very found of. Now so small, so fragile.

Murray turned the headlights off.

“I’m right here” Robin said, her hand on the back of Sofia’s head. “I got you”.

June 1987.

“How is she, by the way?” Steve asked, as a Madonna song played, so they had a 2 minute break.

“A little better, I think… She really scares me sometimes, you know?” Robin answered, playing anxiously with her rings. 

“Has she gotten-“

“No, no. It was just that one time. I think that was the worse she’s been” Robin explained, looking over at the clock.

“I take that not being around dead bodies all day really helps” Steve said, lightening up the mood, but it was true.

“Yeah, she likes being at the desk. Organizing files and telling people to fuck off, it makes her feel in control, which is good for her” Robin added.

And just like clockwork, Sofia entered the Squawk, with a smile on her face. And that was enough to lighten up Robin’s entire day.

“Hellooo” Sofia said, throwing her bag to the couch and walking over to the workers.

Steve waves at her. “Hi” Robin said, a quiet yet happy tone, grabbing Sofia’s hand and kissing it. “I’m almost done here, okay?”.

Sofia looked down at Robin, sitting in her chair, looking all perfect and such.

“Okay, I’ll wait outside” Sofia said, and so she walked out, right as the song was ending. 

She lit up a joint and leaned against the wall. 

The last few months have been a blur, in which the only focused moments are with Robin. She has helped her so much.

Between endless talks and crying hugs, Sofia’s been self harm sober for two months, which isn’t a lot but it’s good enough.

And she hasn’t drank since, and she refused the “joint with a little something special” that Gareth offered a discount on.

Now it’s just marijuana, to take the edge off. To make her feel okay. To make her bare this idle town.

“You ready?” Sofia said, as Robin walked out, hesitantly looking between the cigarette and her girlfriend.

Robin nodded, before looking around, then taking the joint out of Sofia’s hand and pulling her into a kiss. A very needy kiss.

“Alright, rockin’ Robin” Sofia said, smirking, messing with her.

Robin lets go of the kiss with a groan. “I told you not to call me that when we’re kissing” she said, her hand resting on her cheek.

“You always get flustered. I like it” Sofia said, smiling teasingly before kissing her again.

October 1987.

Sofia spent the whole morning looking at the clock on the wall. Every time a patient came to check in, she was happy she had something to distract her.

Just yesterday she turned 19 and she had no idea what she was doing with her life.

She had her books, her mixtapes, her writings, her joints, and Robin.

Today was their 2nd anniversary, and it’s been the hardest year of her life. It was also the hardest year of their relationship, definitely.

But things were slowly getting better, or at least as good as possible. 

After excruciating hours, Sofia left the hospital and drove to the Squawk while listening to it.

“Rockin’ Robin has a date, ladies and gentlemen” Robin said, and Steve squeezed the rubber chicken – which always makes Sofia laugh. “And now, who is this lucky someone? Well, don’t be so nosy, kids. They know who they are. That is, if you’re listening, which I hope you are. Because this next one, it’s for you, babe”.

Lay All Your Love On Me by Abba starts playing, and Sofia smiles thinking of that Halloween night and the dance they shared. God, how time has passed.

She arrives at the station and Robin’s already outside, waiting for her. She gets in the car and they kiss, before Sofia starts driving.

She wished she could drive away. She wished she had driven away back when the town wasn’t in quarantine. What a waste of free will.

But now they’re at the beautiful garden full of marigolds and orchids. The garden that’s theirs, and that seems lost in time. It looks healed from everything that’s happened.

It’s their place.

So they sit on the grass, and they eat but talk more. They keep talking and talking, about everything and everyone.

And by 5 the sun starts to set, so they watch it together. And it’s beautiful, and they feel beautiful too.

“I know we said no gifts, but…” Sofia said, grabbing a present from her bag, “I started making this before we said it, so…”

Robin looked at her with puppy eyes. “I’m going to cry… I didn’t get you anything. I wasted all my money with your birthday gift, I-“

“And I loved it. I don’t need another” Sofia said, looking straight at Robin’s eyes. “Now open it!”

Robin ripped the wrapping paper, revealing a homemade notebook, personalized and just so pretty.

On the cover, over a collage of the most random things, was written Queerness Is a Gift.

“It’s a little book with a few of my poems and stuff I’ve written about you. There’s also photos of us, and tickets from the movies, songs that remind me of you… I know you like to get inside my head, so…” Sofia explained, as Robin examined it carefully.

“It’s so perfect, oh my God…” Robin said, mesmerized by the book. “I love you so much”.

“I love you too” Sofia said, putting her hand on top of Robin’s, the one that rested on her thigh. “Read something out loud. There’s something by Elsa Gidlow in there”.

Robin looked up at her, surprised and in awe, and searched for it.

Watch my Love in sleep
Is she not beautiful
As a young flower at night
Weary and glad with dew?
Pale curved body
That I have kissed too much,
Warm with slumber’s flush;
Breasts like mounded snow,
Too small for children’s mouths;
Lips a red spring bud
My love will bring to bloom.
How restlessly she moves!
She, no more than a child,
Stirs like a woman troubled
With guilt of secret sins.

Twin furtive tears
Glide from the shadows,
Her eyes’ shadowed blue.
Her dreaming must be sad.
What grief to watching love
That it is impotent,
For all its reckless strength,
When the sleep gates close.