Chapter 40

Lila realized something was wrong before she let herself admit it.

It started with the chair.

The one across from her at lunch, the one Rowan always dropped into like it belonged to her. Like it was inevitable. Like wherever Lila was, Rowan would find her way there eventually.

Today, it stayed empty.

Lila told herself not to look at it. Told herself it didn’t mean anything. Rowan had practice, meetings, teammates who clung to her like gravity. Rowan was busy. Rowan was always busy.

Still, her eyes kept drifting back.

She picked at the corner of her napkin, folded and unfolded it until it softened under her fingers. Harper was talking about something… homecoming planning, maybe, but Lila nodded automatically, only half-present. The cafeteria felt louder than usual, sharper. Every laugh grated. Every chair scraping the floor sounded too deliberate.

And then she saw her.

Rowan was at the far end of the room, leaning back against a table with her soccer friends clustered around her. She looked relaxed there. Comfortable in a way that made Lila’s chest ache. Her hair was pulled back, jaw loose as she laughed at something someone said.

It wasn’t the laughter that hurt.

It was how easy it was.

Someone, one of the girls Lila vaguely recognized, leaned closer to Rowan, murmured something with a knowing look. The girl’s eyes flicked, briefly, unmistakably, toward Lila.

Lila froze.

She watched Rowan’s expression shift in real time. The smile faded, just slightly. Her shoulders tightened. And then so casually it almost felt cruel, Rowan shook her head.

Not a denial born of panic.
Not a defense.
Just a dismissal.

Like the question didn’t deserve much thought.

Lila looked away before Rowan could catch her staring.

The rest of lunch passed in a blur. She ate mechanically, barely tasting anything, her appetite dissolving into something sour and heavy. When the bell rang, it startled her. She gathered her things slowly, like if she moved too fast, she might shatter.

The hallway swallowed her whole.

Classes came and went, teachers’ voices sliding off her like rain. Lila stared at whiteboards without absorbing a single word. She caught herself zoning out, replaying that one small moment over and over again, the shake of Rowan’s head, the ease of it.

By the time the final bell rang, she felt hollowed out.

She was at her locker when Rowan finally appeared.

“Hey,” Rowan said.

The word was soft. Careful. Like Rowan already knew she was stepping onto something fragile.

Lila didn’t turn right away. She focused on the metal door in front of her, the cool surface under her palm grounding her. She twisted the lock open, slow and deliberate, buying herself a second to breathe.

“Hey,” she said back.

It sounded flatter than she meant it to.

Rowan hovered beside her, shifting her weight. The hallway was thinning out now, footsteps echoing as students filtered toward the exits.

“I’ve been trying to find you all day,” Rowan said.

Lila shut her locker and finally looked at her.

Rowan looked… tired. Not physically, but in the way, someone looks when they’ve been carrying a thought around all day, and it’s grown too heavy to ignore.

“Yeah?” Lila said. “I didn’t notice.”

Rowan winced, just slightly. “That’s fair.”

Silence settled between them, thick and awkward. The kind that pressed in on Lila’s chest.

“You, okay?” Rowan asked.

Lila almost laughed. Almost said something sarcastic and sharp. Instead, she exhaled slowly.

“I don’t know,” she said. “Are you?”

Rowan hesitated.

And that hesitation, barely a second long, told Lila everything.

“I didn’t mean to make things weird,” Rowan said finally. “If I did.”

Lila tilted her head, studying her. “You didn’t make them weird,” she said quietly. “You just… showed me where we stand.”

“That’s not—” Rowan started, then stopped, jaw tightening. “That’s not what I want.”

“Then why does it feel like you keep choosing the version of yourself that doesn’t include me?” Lila asked.

Her voice stayed steady, even as something cracked open inside her.

Rowan swallowed. “I’m trying to figure it out.”

Lila nodded once. “I know.”

She paused, fingers curling at her sides.

“I just don’t know how much longer I can wait while you do.”

Rowan stepped closer, instinctively, like distance itself felt dangerous. “Lila, you matter to me. More than you think.”

The words should have comforted her.

They didn’t.

“That’s the thing,” Lila said, her voice finally trembling. “I don’t want to matter quietly. I don’t want to exist in the background of your life. I want to be chosen. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it costs you something.”

Rowan’s eyes glistened. “I’m scared.”

“I know,” Lila said softly. “But I’m tired of being the only one brave.”

The sentence landed heavy between them.

Rowan lifted her hand, then let it fall back to her side. Like she wanted to reach for Lila but didn’t think she had the right.

“When will I be enough?” Lila asked, barely above a whisper. “Not just for you to want me but for you to decide that we’re worth standing up for?”

Rowan opened her mouth.

Then closed it.

The silence that followed was devastating.

Lila felt it settle into her bones.

She nodded, like she’d already expected this outcome. Like some part of her had been preparing for it all along.

“I think you care,” she said. “I just don’t think you’re ready to choose me yet.”

“Lila—” Rowan tried again.

Lila stepped back.

“I’m not asking you to be someone you’re not,” she continued, her voice breaking despite her best effort. “I just can’t keep shrinking myself to fit into the parts of your life that feel safe.”

Her vision blurred. She blinked hard, but one tear slipped free anyway, trailing down her cheek.

“I deserve more than almost,” she whispered.

Rowan looked wrecked.

That almost undid her.

Lila turned away before it could.

She walked toward the exit with her shoulders squared, heart splintering with every step. She didn’t feel strong. She didn’t feel victorious.

She felt like she was grieving something that had almost been hers.

But underneath the ache, quiet; steady was something new.

Resolve.

And whether Rowan would rise to meet it…
was no longer something Lila could wait around to find out.