Chapter 42

guess who’s back??? 

anyways, saw videos of taylor performing live at the toy story 5 premiere yesterday and thought maybe i should finish this story, i mean we’re almsot there

a little angsty, but don’t worry, they’re both gonna get their shit together soon 😉

~ kathy 

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“I just don’t really see the need for marriage.” Taylor had said offhandedly one day, and Cameron hated the way her whole body froze, wine glass halfway to her lips and eyes widened in panic. The ring in her pocket suddenly felt like it weighed a thousand pounds, or maybe gravity was acting upon it. Either way, she was processing, Cameron didn’t panic.

“Oh?” Okay, that was a safe response, it doesn’t give anything away, and it bought Cameron enough time to get her head out of her ass. She drowned the rest of her wine first, maybe what she needed to get through tonight was enough alcohol that she forgot this conversation ever happened.

“You know, divorce rate is higher than ever, and I don’t need a legal certificate to tell other people that I’m in love with someone,” Taylor shrugged, and she leaned back against the couch again as if she hadn’t just broken Cameron’s whole perspective of the proposal. She had thought it would be something sweet, she was almost certain Taylor would say yes, Mama Swift seems to think so, and Austin told her to get on with it and stop whining to him about it. Abigail was a hundred percent on board with it. Yet Cameron had never thought that Taylor would be the one who wasn’t on board.

“Right,” Cameron nodded as if she understood, she didn’t. She glanced sadly at her empty glass before slipping her hand into her pocket and palming the ring box till she was sure any tighter and the box would burst open. “Of course, love doesn’t need to be put down on paper.”

Taylor turned to Cameron then, a smile on her face and what looked almost like relief. “Great, I’m glad we’re on the same page.”

Cameron made a sound that sounded like she was choking, but Taylor didn’t seem to notice as she moved closer. Cameron wrapped her arms around Taylor without much prompting, and she rested her chin on top of Taylor’s head as they laid on the couch together, a re-run of FRIENDS playing softly in the background.

When Cameron glanced to the ground, she’s met with Meredith’s piercing eyes, and she stuck her tongue out at the cat. Sure, maybe Cameron told that cat more than she should, but it wasn’t like Meredith was going to tell her secret to anyone. But at that moment, Cameron couldn’t help but felt as though as she was being judged.

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“I think I need you to repeat that statement again,” Abigail was sitting across from Cameron at a local coffee shop. Cameron would never take her anonymity for granted, most people knew her name but not her face, and she knew that one day if her and Taylor were to go public with their relationships, it would be different. But for now she enjoyed the peace she could get, not that it seemed that they would ever go public. Cameron had no problem with it, she was out to the world, hell she mostly wrote sapphic, but Taylor was different, and Cameron would never push something of the blonde that she wasn’t ready for.

The truth was, Cameron knew she would wait forever for Taylor, she waited thirty years with her hopeless crush, what’s a few decades more.

“Taylor said that she doesn’t really see the need for marriage,” even the words left a sour taste in her mouth, and Cameron made a face as she glanced around the cafe, almost convinced that Taylor would pop out of the corner any moment now. “Which I respect, and so maybe I’ll present it as a promise ring or something. Or I can chuck it into the atlantic ocean, who needs rings anyways. It’s not like I need a legal piece of paper to tell people how much I’m in love with her.”

Abigail’s still staring wide eyed at Cameron. “I mean everyone who spent even a few minutes with the two of you could tell how sickeningly in love the two of you are. What I’m still trying to piece together is the fact that our Taylor doesn’t want a wedding. I mean you were there when she planned out that whole imaginary wedding with music and catering and all of that, right? I’m not hallucinating? Wait, Cameron, I think she even made you pretend to be the ‘groom’, oh my gosh. You two are idiots.”

Cameron felt her face flushed at the memories, and she reached across the table to punch the redhead. “Stop it, I know we’re idiots. But let’s be honest–”

“Lesbian honest,” Abigail muttered under her breath, and Cameron shot her a look. “Okay, I’m back. What?”

“I think we both know how deep in denial Taylor was back then that to entertain the idea of being married to a woman was probably an alien concept,” Cameron poked at her croissant, which looked less appealing than when she had seen it behind the counter. “The point is, I thought I was ninety-nine percent sure she wanted a wedding. I mean she always talked about how she wanted this big thing, maybe at a vineyard or something, and remember Joe?”

Abigail made a face, and Cameron punched her again. “I’m sorry your majesty, please continue.”

“I hate you, Anderson.” Cameron mumbled, and Abigail just grinned brightly in response. “The thing is, she had this whole notebook about weddings and stuff near the middle of their relationship or something, I mean before our argument and stuff, I saw how Taylor was scrapbooking wedding ideas. So I always thought marriage would be something she’s interested in. But after this conversation I’m starting to wonder if she is interested in a wedding but just not with me, you know?”

The confession stung, and Cameron faked a smile and bite into her croissant to avoid looking up at Abigail’s knowing eyes. “Oh, Cameron…”

“I don’t need your pity, and I don’t want to hear the truth,” Cameron took a huge bite of the croissant, hating how bland the thing suddenly tasted and the burning in the back of her eyes. She would not cry, her pride would not allow it, but the truth tasted sour.

“I think the truth is that Taylor is head over heels in love with you that she’s afraid of fucking it up,” Abigail reached across the table for Cameron’s hand, and Cameron let her take it. “Come on, we were both with her during her parents’ divorced, I think she’s just scared that marrying you would mean that eventually the two of you would get divorced, then she would have to say goodbye to you forever.”

Cameron took another bite of her croissant. “That’s stupid.”

“I think what the two of you need is to sit down and have a conversation,” Abigail squeezed Cameron’s hand before pulling away and leaning back against her chair. “I also need Taylor to ask me to be her maid of honor so I can rub it in your face that I won the best friend war.”

Now this was easy conversation, and Cameron was almost grateful that Abigail gave her an out. “That’s crazy, I’m literally marrying her. Now if that isn’t peak best friend behavior that I don’t know what is.”

“Obviously it’s me becoming maid of honor,” Abigail’s eyes twinkled, and Cameron made a face.

“If she ever wants to marry me,” Cameron sighed again as reality set in. She took out the ring from her pocket. “Maybe you should hold on to this so I don’t do anything impulsive like ask her to marry me in the middle of the night.”

Abigail eyed the offered box before pushing it back toward Cameron. “Nope, put on your big girl’s panties. And talk to Taylor. If the two of you goes through another ‘break up’ due to miscommunication or something, I will be sending Mama Swift after you. And then I’m going to hit you both over the head and steal your childrens.”

“I can’t believe you’re resorting to catnapping,” Cameron rolled her eyes but pocketed the velvet box once more.

“You gotta do what you gotta do,” Abigail shrugged before reaching across the table for the rest of Cameron’s croissant. Cameron gasped.

“Hey! That’s mine.”

“You snooze you lose,” Abigail took a huge bite, and Cameron pouted. “Come on, I’ll bring you to an all-you-can eat sushi after I see a ring on our best friend’s finger.”

“Aww, you said our.” Cameron fluttered her eyelashes, and Abigail rolled her eyes.

“Don’t get used to it, it’s a temporary truce while you get your shit together.”

Right, Cameron still had to do the proposal. Or the non-proposal. Or, honestly she didn’t know. Maybe she would play it by the ears, maybe that was the way to go.

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Taylor greeted Cameron with a kiss when she got home, and Cameron smiled into it before Taylor’s breezing past her. “Good day at the studio?”

“Yep.” There was a mischievous look in her eyes that made Cameron wondered if there would be a second surprised album drop. Knowing Taylor, anything is possible. “You should check instagram in a bit.”

“You’re not going to tell your girlfriend?” Cameron battered her eyelashes, and Taylor pushed her away playfully. “Hey, that was hurtful. I can’t believe that I don’t get girlfriend privilege.”

Taylor made her way toward the bedroom, glancing over her shoulder. “Come cuddle me then, maybe I’ll tell you something then.”

And Cameron didn’t need to be told twice, and she slipped into her pajamas before jumping onto the bed with her arms wide open. Taylor laughed as she stepped into her sweatpants and crawled into bed, settling into Cameron’s arms even though she was taller.

Cameron scrolled mindless through her tiktok, and Taylor glanced at it every now and then, commenting on the edits of herself she sees and hiding her face in Cameron’s arms whenever a thirst tape came up. Cameron found it amusing, Taylor less so. “I can’t believe people edit that.”

“You’re hot, people have eyes,” Cameron pressed her lips against the top of Taylor’s head, and the latter relaxed into her embrace. It’s nice like this, and sometimes Cameron wished that she could freeze the moment forever. “What about marriage are you so afraid of?”

There, words, Cameron could do words. She was a writer for fuck sakes, words were her speciality.

Taylor looked up at Cameron with an unreadable expression in her eyes, and Cameron hated that she couldn’t read her. “What?”

“Is it the coming out portion or the binding part of marriage? Like the legalized portion or?” Now that the first words were out, Cameron found herself blurting out the rest of her thoughts. Taylor looked like a deer caught in a headlight. “I mean you really don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to talk about it, I’m just curious.”

Taylor was silent for a long time, to the point where Cameron would willingly forget this conversation ever exists. Abigail can suck it, she could treat herself to all-you-can-eat sushi for even opening her mouth and starting the conversation.

“Are you ashamed of me?”

The words slipped out, and Cameron cursed the last glass of wine she had before Taylor came home. It was supposed to be liquor courage, now it had just become confession time. Too much courage does bad things, and Cameron refused to look at Taylor’s eyes even as she felt the blonde froze completely under her arms.

“Why would you think that?” Taylor sounded sad, and Cameron hated it when Taylor was sad. She was an adult though, and adult had hard conversation even though she would rather be anywhere else. But then again, telling Taylor that Cameron felt as though she was being hidden in the shadow sounded awfully lot like forcing Taylor to come out to the public when she might not be ready for it, so maybe she should just keep her mouth shut. “Cameron?”

“Hmm?” Plan B, pretend she was really really drunk and that this conversation never existed. Plan C was to pretend to fall asleep, maybe she should just jump straight to that.

“Did someone say something? Time magazine or page six or some other gossipy website? Hell, was it this stupid tiktok app you’re so fond of?” Taylor slipped out of Cameron’s arms and turned so that she was on her elbow, and she cupped Cameron’s chin so that blue eyes met emerald. “Hey, talk to me. I can never be ashamed of you.”

“If gossipy websites said something it would implied that they know something,” Cameron let out a watery chuckle. “But they don’t know anything, so no one said anything. I think I’m just in my head, it’s fine. I’m drunk.”

“Drunk words, sober thoughts,” Taylor raised her eyebrows, but she was still searching Cameron’s eyes for something. She reached up and brushed a strand of hair away from Cameron’s face. “What’s all these about then?”

I really want to marry you but you seems to hate the idea of being married to me.

“I don’t know,” Cameron shrugged, and glanced at the cabinet behind Taylor so she could avoid the piercing eyes. A few more seconds and maybe she would’ve folded.

“You want to know if you’re worth less because the tabloids don’t know anything about you,” Taylor’s words were stated plainly, and Cameron hated that she could read her mind so easily. Cameron shrugged again, and Taylor tilted her chin so that their eyes met again. “If you want the world to know, I will let the world know. I do enjoy keeping you to myself.”

Cameron shook her head quickly. “It isn’t that, and I never want you to do something you’re not ready for. I don’t care about the tabloid, I never like fame much anyways. I just…” Really want to marry you.

Cameron hated the way she noticed Taylor’s shoulders relaxed, and deep down she knew that Taylor wasn’t quite ready to come out either. Maybe she was scared of the backlash, or something else entirely, but that seemed to be a conversation for another time.

“What?”

“Can we talk about this tomorrow,” Cameron rolled over, hiding her face in her pillow, and Taylor sighed behind her but got behind the cover and spoon Cameron from behind. Her warmth was nice, and Cameron closed her eyes.

“Okay.”

They both took the cowardly way out, and the ring in her nightstand still felt like a huge weight on her shoulder.