Chapter 29

alternatively, this chapter is called ‘where do we go now‘ in honor of gracie’s song

okay, i wasn’t planning for angst?? if you can believe that, but the angst just crept up on me, and if we wanna set up a healthy relationship for our girls down the road, this needs to happen 🙁

we have one more chapters (mostly featuring the reputation stadium tour) in the rep era before we dive into the lover era! 

hope you enjoy this! 

~ kathy

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Fall came and went, and before they knew it, winter came around once more and Cameron spent her first winter with Taylor in London. Abigail came and visited, and then Emma came as well, then Lizzie was in town from filming and it became a small party that got moved to a rented out private restaurant by Evelyn, who insisted on this small get together with friends.

“It’ll be fun, she says. Take a chance, she says. You’ll love it, she says,” Cameron grumbled under her breath as she stood in the corner with a glass of champagne she had been slowly nursing. Evelyn being Evelyn, the party turned out bigger than anyone could ever imagined, and Cameron swore she know less people than she knows people. She lost Taylor to her boyfriend thirty minutes into the party, and Evelyn was somewhere dancing on a table or what-not. Abigail came with her boyfriend, and Cameron absolutely hated third-wheeling so that wasn’t happening.

“You look like you’re having fun,” a voice joined her in Cameron’s lonely corner, and the brunette drowned the rest of her glass and placed it on the tray of a waiter walking by.

“Tell me about it, I’m having such a great time–” Cameron glanced up for the first time and came face to face with her second ex. Elizabeth Olsen was a sight to behold, and Cameron pulled the actress into a tight hug. “Lizzie, am I glad to see you. I swear I can’t find anyone in this mass of people.”

“I thought Evelyn said that it was a small gathering?” Lizzie led Cameron towards the large balcony overlooking London, where less people are. Most people in their short dresses are huddling inside the restaurant for warmth, but Cameron had the sense to wear leather and dark jeans. “Who am I kidding, this is Evelyn we’re talking about.”

Cameron laughed and took two glasses of champagne from a passing waiter and handed it to Lizzie, who took it gratefully. “Right! Remember sophomore year where she convinced all of us to have a small party, which ended with the police getting involved?”

“How can I forget? I think it was the first time you said ‘I love you’ to me,” Lizzie hummed contently, and they stood by the railing framed by planters, eyes turned towards the sky. Cameron turned and got a good look at Lizzie for the first time that night, who looked older and more mature, but also more sure. She stood taller, but she still wrings her fingers together when she talks.

“Back in our days, am I right?” Cameron’s lips curled up into a smirk, and Lizzie rolled her eyes fondly. “I miss those days though, where our only problem was school work and the world still feels so new and hopeful.”

Lizzie turned towards the brunette with a frown, and took one of Cameron’s hands in her own. “What’s wrong?”

“What do you mean?” Cameron laughed it off, and took a sip of her champagne and avoided looking into Lizzie’s knowing eyes. Sometimes she felt like the actress could read her mind with just one look of her eyes, and it wasn’t fair. “Everything’s fine.”

“Sure, and I am Santa Claus.” Lizzie scoffed. Cameron laughed dryly and took another sip of her champagne. “Come on, you can tell me anything if you need to, okay? Maybe you can use some outside opinion who isn’t in you-know-who’s inner circle.”

Cameron raised her eyebrows. “I’m sorry, I don’t recall joining the death eaters or making deals with Voldemort.”

“You know what I’m talking about Cammie,” Lizzie shoved her shoulder, and Cameron sighed. “Or we can just sit and enjoy the view, I’ve always wanted to visit London.”

“It’s not that it’s just…” Cameron trailed off, at a loss for words on what to describe what she was feeling at the moment.

“You’re bending over and backwards for your best friend? I know how much you want to move back to New York, you asked me about it every time we face time,” Lizzie squeezed her hands and Cameron looked down at the plantar, fixating on the blue flower blooming in the dead of winter.

“I don’t regret coming to London for her, and I don’t regret putting my life on a pause so I can support her through a period where she’s literally reconstructing her belief system and growing into her own skin better, where she actually loves herself. I won’t ever change anything if it means I get to see her glow,” Cameron looked out into the city and tried to swallow down the lump in her throat. “Sometimes, I just feel like after all that, she doesn’t really need me anymore so there isn’t really any reason for me to stay in London, I mean her boyfriend is here.”

The truth was always hard to swallow, but once it was out it felt like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulder. Cameron had always been an independent child, her mother raised her alone and Cameron loved her mother to death, but there were times when her mother’s job would come between them. When she learned to drive sophomore year, her mother took more business trips to save money for Cameron to attend any University of her choosing without the fear of financial issues, which meant she was alone at home more often than not. It was as if the moment Cameron didn’t need her mother at her back and called, her mother just disappeared.

“You know that isn’t true, right?” Lizzie took Cameron’s empty champagne bottle and placed it on the tray of another incoming waiter. “I can’t speak for her, but I didn’t become your friend because I need you or that you can do something for me. I want you in my life because you’re fun, and you speak your mind unapologetically and you know what you’re passionate about and you manage to make a living out of what you believe in. Hell, I think you believed in me more than I ever believed in myself when I was just starting out with acting gigs, and on days when I feel like quitting you cheered me on like the inner cheerleader we all know you are, no amount of leather can hide that.”

“Hey! I want to be the cool bisexual top who’s picking up girls at the pub,” Cameron pouted, and Lizzie rolled her eyes with a smile.

“Yeah, you’re not fooling anyone.”

Cameron sighed sadly, and glanced out into the skyline again before saying in the softest voice. “I think I’m in love with her.”

Lizzie didn’t speak for a moment, and Cameron was too afraid to actually turn back to figure out what was on Lizzie’s face, but when the actress spoke again, she took both of Cameron’s hands in her own. “I think everyone who is in the same room as the two of you could see that. Besides Taylor, and Joe who would rather pretend otherwise in case you throw him into the sun.”

“I can’t throw him into the sun,” Cameron protested, and Lizzie raised an eyebrow.

“Doesn’t mean you won’t find a way anyways. That boy is scared shitless of you,” Lizzie squeezed Cameron’s hands. “I think there are definitely times where he pitied you, and I think if Taylor said the world, he would gladly step aside so that you could date her.”

“And that’s the problem isn’t it? She isn’t in love with me,” Cameron sighed again, and turned back to watch the party from the glass door. The blonde was tall enough to be seen in a sea of people, and she danced with Joe’s arm around her waist and a drink in her hand, her smile bright, and she looked genuinely happy.

Lizzie sighed and followed Cameron’s line of sight. “It isn’t that. I think she’s just in a good place mentally right now and she doesn’t want to mess any of that up.”

“Who are you? My therapist?”

Lizzie smacked her on the arm, and Cameron chuckled and moved away. “I’m just telling you what I’ve observed from the sideline. Plus, if it ever happens, I know the two of you will make the cutest couple.”

“I’m not ruining the realest thing she has in forever just for some silly feelings that would go away soon,” Cameron scoffed, and Lizzie sighed but remained silent. “And besides, I am in no mood for apartment hunting and I’ve built a great writing routine for me to ruin that now. I write in the cafe on Monday, on Tuesday I go undercover as a college student and write in Oxford. On Wednesday, I go into the studio with Taylor and I write there. On Thursday, I go into the office for the web management job I’ve picked up that’s mostly remote. On Friday I-”

Lizzie gave her a pointed look, and Cameron sighed. “I’m just reminding you that you matter too, and that maybe you should talk to Taylor about where the future would lead?”

“I’ll think about it,” Cameron looked away, hard conversation was definitely not her forte. She prefers light hearted and fun and not so much arguments, but maybe it was a conversation long overdue.

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Being the coward she was, Cameron pretended that the conversation with Lizzie never happened and continued her life in London as Taylor recorded the rest of her album and her relationship with Joe continued to blossom. If she paused long enough to think about the ache in her chest whenever Taylor updated her on her relationships or what she does at night clubs Cameron chose not to go to, maybe they would’ve talked about what it all meant earlier.

Instead, Cameron poured her heart into a new draft she titled Kaleidoscope about two girls who met as kids but didn’t fall in love years later (no, this was in no way a tribute to her relationship with Taylor, or so Cameron told herself). She picked up a job at the local bookstore just so she could get out of the apartment more and not watch Taylor with Joe in their living room and she stopped going to the studio on Wednesday all together. Her excuse was her new job, but there was something in her heart that told Cameron that Taylor knew her well enough to read the lies on her tongue.

“Can I ask your opinion on something?” Taylor knocked on Cameron’s opened bedroom door, and the brunette gasped and almost fell off her chair. “I’m so sorry, I can come back later?”

Cameron laughed at herself and straightened out the chair, gesturing for the blonde to come in. “No, I’m sorry, I was just startled. My daughters were being idiots so… what’s up?”

“I’m planning on moving back to New York with Joe. He got an acting job there, and I really appreciate how you offer me a place in your apartment, but I think it’s time I face reality again,” Taylor looked down at her feet, and Cameron ignored the ache in her chest as the word ‘New York’ came out of her mouth.

“Well, if you think it’s what’s best for you,” Cameron smiled and reached out, taking Taylor’s hands in her own. “Hey, I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to move back there, and I think you’re so brave for going through what you did and came out stronger than before.”

Taylor looked up, and Cameron smiled. “I couldn’t have done it without you.”

“I’m just that awesome, right?” Cameron flipped her hair dramatically, and Taylor rolled her eyes but leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

“We’re moving back there at the end of the week, don’t miss me too much,” Taylor spoke jokingly, but Cameron couldn’t deny how close to the truth the words were.

“I would only be missing you.”