Chapter 45

The sudden sight of sunlight was harsh on her eyes as she squinted around the room. It looked familiar, the furniture and the walls.

There was a mess of blankets beside her but there was no one there.

She looked to her hands flipping them back and forth as if to see if they were truly there, if she was back where she thought she was.

…
Rangi had tried to listen to her mothers words, but she felt like she needed to see it to believe it. She was done only hearing that Kyoshi was going to be okay, she needed it to be real.

She had declared that she would go check on Kyoshi and left the room hastily with the note still crinkled in her hand in a small ball.

Rangi wasn’t paying attention as she entered at first, but then as she looked up there she was. Kyoshi was sitting upright flipping her hands over and back muttering to herself. She hadn’t even noticed Rangi walk in the room.

Rangi herself felt paralyzed, it felt fake even though it had been the only thing she had been hoping for the past couple of days.

She tried to call out Kyoshi’s name to try and pull her attention but nothing came out, she tried to walk but couldn’t. It almost felt like her body was scared that if she approached Kyoshi then it would all be an illusion and she would go back to sleep.

But this couldn’t be fake, it couldn’t be. To prove the point to herself she threw the crumbled piece of paper across the room hitting Kyoshi’s shoulder and falling down into her lap. Finally she looked up and Rangi’s whole body felt weak.

“Rangi” Kyoshi said softly.

Rangi slowly staggered across the whole room as Kyoshi watched.

She had nearly tripped over the fox on her way. As she reached the bed’s end she collapsed in Kyoshi’s lap. “Are you real?” Rangi had nearly choked on her words.

Kyoshi lifted one of her hands to brush it through Rangi’s hair that wasn’t pulled into her topknot.

“Yes”

Rangi laid there for a moment longer until Kyoshi spoke once again. “I’m so sorry Rangi”

Those words seemed to flip a switch in the firebender’s brain. Now that Kyoshi was awake she could focus on the other part of the problem. Kyoshi had had a self-sacrificial plan the whole time, and didn’t tell Rangi until it was too late.

“Do you have any idea how much stress you caused me?” Rangi had finally looked up to look at Kyoshi’s face once more, but she said nothing in response.

“How much I’ve been worrying over your near dead body? And then you leave us those notes telling us all to move on! What the hell was that Kyoshi?” Rangi yelled as she grabbed the wadded piece of paper back up again and threw it at Kyoshi’s head.

“I swear I’m gonna die first so I can haunt the living shit out of you for this stunt!” She yelled, now having a hold of Kyoshi’s tunic and shaking her violently.

Then someone cleared their throat. Rangi turned to see Jinpa, Atuat, and of course her mother standing in the doorway.

“Why don’t you go get the girl some water?” Hei ran instructed. But Rangi stood there and fumed. “It will only take a moment” She rephrased. Rangi had narrowed her eyes before leaving the room.

“Welcome back” Hei ran had said as she looked back to Kyoshi who seemed to be stuck wide eyed. “I’m sorry for-“

But Kyoshi shook her head, cutting her off. “I honestly deserved that, I’m surprised it wasn’t worse really”

Hei Ran found this whole thing odd. She knew her daughter had very strong emotions, and they had been all over the place these past couple of days. But she had looked like she was about to put Kyoshi back into a coma. Hei ran was about to respond when her daughter reappeared at the door frame with not water but a bowl of steaming plain noodles.

“I guess I”ll leave you two to it then, if you aren’t going to strangle my daughter in law” Hei ran said finally as she pushed past her daughter and left the room along with the other two. 

Rangi had taken a couple of steps closer so that she was now just over a meter away from the bed as she held the bowl in front of her.

“I’m sorry” Kyoshi admitted, looking down at her hands.

“And?” The bowl nearly shook in Rangi’s hold.

“And it was stupid of me to do that to you, it wasn’t fair. I should have told you about that plan sooner”

“And?”

“And you were right,” Kyoshi admitted, starting to run out of things to say.

“and?”

“And, you almost strangled me just now so I think we’re even for the time being” She finally snapped back, staring up to meet her firebenders gaze.

But Rangi didn’t say anything more, she stayed still. Kysohi frowned, but also knew the quickest way to get a reaction. “Fine, I’ll just get up and go find Kirima or someone-“

“No you’re staying right there” tears pricked in Rangi’s eyes as she took a step forward.

“You’re incredibly lucid for someone just waking up” Rangi observed, trying to shift the conversation slightly so those tears wouldn’t fall. Kyoshi was hardly what you would call a morning person by choice; she hadn’t imagined it would be any different after a coma.

“It didn’t really feel like sleeping if I’m being honest.”

But she was sleeping. Rangi thought to herself. “Then what were you doing?”

“Walking mostly. I saw lush green hills, they went on as far as I could see and I climbed as many as I could, each time the same thing at the top each time.” Kyoshi said as she leaned back against the bed frame.

“Eventually I found Kelsang, and realized what was at the top of every hill”

“So what was it then?” Rangi asked impatiently. Though the thought that Kyoshi had seen Kelsang had frightened her, was Kyoshi that close to death?

“A wedding. Our wedding I suppose”

Kyoshi smiled weakly at her words as she watched the expression on the fire bender’s face change. “You still want to get married, right?”

Rangi felt an odd rage settle in her chest. “You go around saying stupid things like that and wonder why I’m mad at you”

But then she put the bowl down and rushed back to Kyoshi trapping her in a tight embrace, “But you are to freeze every last ounce of blood in my body if I ever say no to that question.”

Eventually Rangi had released Kyoshi so she could eat the noodles and sit up properly once more. After the commotion had gone down more people started to filter in the room. The first being Kirima who went wide eyed at the sight and then promptly ran out of the room yelling at Wong and Lao Ge to get their buts in there.

Everything seemed to be painted in a golden light. The smile that Rangi had tried so hard to protect was back on Kyoshi’s face as she was surrounded by the flying opera company. Later Jinpa, her mother, and Atuat had also returned as well.

Everything was going so well, but Rangi knew what would shatter this perfect moment, and was simply waiting for the ice to begin to crack.

“Where’s Kenna?” Kyoshi had asked so calmly.

There it was, the words that Rangi had been dreading possibly more than anything. She didn’t want to break the news to her, but at this point Kyoshi was the only one who didn’t know.
To Kyoshi Kenna was still the person who was there to help them, who had fought beside them, and who was their friend. How Rangi wished she could keep Kyoshi trapped in that reality.

She then realized that the group was now looking at her, non-verbally nominating Rangi to share the news.

Kyoshi looked confused in all of this, not knowing who to look at. “Is she back working at the hospital? I could visit her later or-“

But Kyoshi had stopped short, the expression that Rangi wore had so much pain, and guilt? Or was it anger.

The next thing she noticed was how everyone seemed to start vacating the room once again.

“What’s going on? The portal is closed right? She did close it right?” Kyoshi began to ask frantically.

By the time she had finished her question, she and Rangi were once again the only two in the room.

“The portal is closed” Rangi sat as she made a spot next to Kyoshi.

“So Kenna didn’t close it then?” Kyoshi asked, Rangi shook her head.

“Then what did happen?”

Rangi wasn’t sure how she got nearly through the whole thing. She had explained how Kenna had refused to close the portal and how Wren was able to do it instead. That was when things had taken a turn for the worse, leaving them both at the bottom of the ravine Kyoshi ahd created.

Kyoshi had sat perfectly still all while explaining the events, eventually resting her head on Rangi’s.

“I feel like I already knew” She finally spoke up. “When we were working to try and close it I didn’t notice any difference in the state of the portal. But I had brushed that off as my fault, blaming it on exhaustion or fatigue.” Kyoshi continued to explain.

“No that wasn’t your fault”

“it kinda feels that way” She paused. “If I were stronger then maybe we wouldn’t have had to lose another friend”

Rangi wanted to fight her on it, but she knew that Kyoshi would deny everything. “She’d gone because of her actions not your lack of strength Kyoshi, remember that. Please, for your own good” Rangi began to plead.

Kyoshi’s shoulders then started the shutter slightly as she went to wipe some tears from her eyes.

“I wanted to invite her to the wedding,” Kyoshi croaked. Rangi only hugged her tighter not knowing what the right thing to say was, or if there was anything right she could say.

“I would have wanted her there too.” She finally spoke as she pulled Kyoshi’s fingers out from a lock of hair she was beginning to tug and play with.

A couple more minutes passed before Kyoshi spoke up again. “So you’re sure she’s gone right? There’s no chance that-” Her breath hitched.

Rangi knew there was no way that Kenna had survived, the fall alone was confirmation before seeing the state of the corpse. But Kyoshi hadn’t seen that, in her head there was still space for possibly. And as much as Rangi hated it, shutting down that hope would make this less painful. It had to be better to accept the full truth now rather than later. Afterall, not even Kyoshi could raise the dead.

“Kenna is dead, I’m sorry”

Kyoshi’s breath started becoming uneasy, as she pulled at her shirt. “I-I can’t breathe” she was barely able to make out.

And suddenly it felt like Rangi had had that conversation twice, only this time it had finally set. Their friend had not only betrayed them, but was gone for good.

Kyoshi had started pulling at her shirt like it was trying to choke her all while trying to gasp for air.

Rangi felt like she wanted to cry along with her, the truth still didn’t feel completely real.

“Can I touch you?” Rangi had asked, the way that Kyoshi seemed to be gasping for air had frightened her of touch, fearful that it would make it worse. But she wasn’t sure how quickly Kyoshi was able to process any of the information around her. So Rangi had remained sitting beside her trying to say comforting words.

She would have waited until Kyoshi had said otherwise but when she started pulling her hair Rangi knew it was time to intervene. Only this time had been different than times in the past. Kyoshi was struggling against Rangi’s grasp as her hands were held away from her body.

Her body was weak from being inactive over the past couple of days so Rangi didn’t find herself necessarily struggling but a part of her felt bad, guilty even. Kyoshi’s whole body seemed to be fighting involuntarily, and Rangi was getting in the way.

Still Kyoshi’s breathing stayed frantic, even picking up pace more. Eventually she managed to wiggle one of her hands out of Rangi’s. But to Rangi’s surprise she didn’t try tugging at her hair again but started hitting it against her leg over and over again.

“Kyoshi what’s wrong?” Rangi felt herself cringe as the words left her mouth. What’s wrong? What kind of stupid question is that if someone is having a panic attack?

But Kyoshi actually started to answer, “Hands” She kept trying to hit her one free hand against her leg. “I-I can’t feel them” Rangi could barely make out the sentence through the broken words.

This had almost completely confused Rangi, she had no clue what was going on anymore. Normally when Kyoshi freaked out things settled down sooner, but this? This was different, and all she could do at this point was watch and get answers later.

“You’ll be okay,” Rangi whispered. “Everything will come back to you I promise.”

“It-it hurts” Kyoshi cried, though it might have been the physical pain of the panic attack. The loss of her friend felt like it would feel the same

She had stopped hitting her leg and grabbed the fabric over her chest once more. “It-it feels like my lungs are going to c-crush me” Kyoshi yelled from a breath.

Rangi felt lost, a new sense of panic washing over her as well. For the first time she didn’t understand what was truly going on. She had surely never experienced it. So she had to break it down to what she did know. If her breathing didn’t calm down soon she would hyperventilate and risk passing out.

She had to find a way to calm Kyoshi down.

Tentatively Rangi pulled one of Kyoshi’s hands to her chest over her heart so she could feel the thudding of Rangi’s own heart and breathing. “Just follow my breath”

“It will all be okay,” Rangi said as she looked at Kyoshi’s face. Her eyes were squeezed shut as if she were bracing for the impact of an attack .

“It’s okay, take as much time as you need. There’s no rush, just come back when you’re ready” Rangi tried to reassure her once more.

But the silence was killing her. It felt too ambiguous, too empty. Surely a distraction could help right?

Rangi racked her brain trying to come up with something that wasn’t related to this whole mess, then she thought of what she felt like was the perfect solution.

“What time of year do you want to have the ceremony?” Rangi asked, not expecting an answer.

“Personally I don’t want to get married in the winter, I get that some people like the snow. But I’m not one of these people, so that also cancels out the water tribes for a venu too” She rambled on.

“I suppose for spring, there’s still a chance it could be cold or everything would be muddy.” She paused, taking note of how Kyoshi’s breathing seemed to be trying to follow the pattern of her own. “But let’s be honest with our luck we would both either get caught in a landslide or mud and or fall in it. Whichever came first” Rangi laughed to herself.

“Summer would be nice I suppose, this time of year is always pretty. But everyone seems to love creating problems in the summer. Like what’s with people, does the summer heat get to their heads or something?”

For a moment Rangi could have sworn Kyoshi laughed the slightest bit. “Your call but I would hate to know we went on planning something during such a stressful time”

“The fall” Kyoshi whispered, so quiet Rangi was almost sure she had imagined it.

Rangi smiled as she leaned back against the wall, pulling Kyoshi gently back with her laying in her arms.

“That sounds perfect”

Rangi went all talking about possible plans for the wedding. Where they would have it, colors, and anything else that floated through Rangi’s mind as Kyoshi listened in, coming back to reality.

“I want to have a funeral,” Kyoshi spoke softly. “Not for what she did, but for our friend. It sounds like I killed the only other family she had so I think it’s our job to throw our friend a proper goodbye.”

Whether it was to mourn the loss of the friendship or of the person it still felt important.

You know was this chapter sorta a vent that happened to line up with the story that allowed me write how I’ve mostly experienced panic attacks? Maybe, but you can’t tell Kyoshi went through all that she has and doesn’t have them too. So yeah, I don’t know. But also I actually like had a hard time figuring out how Rangi would react to Kyoshi waking up, because would she happy yes, emotional, also yes. But I feel like Rangi getting mad about Kyoshi’s safety is like 90% of the plot so I think it worked. But I’m curious to hear if you guys think she would had reacted differently…

Anyways have a great day/night<3