Chapter 5

alyssa

“Alyssa,” Max says, and they sound so much like themselves that I want to scream. “Hey.”

“What … what’s up?” I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to talk to them ever again, because it just hurts too much. I told myself I wouldn’t. Well, Tanner told me, but still. MaxandAlyssa were no more. MaxandAlyssa were now separate entities, just two dumb teenagers off on different sides of the continent, doing their own things.

I can hear Dr. Mario music in the background. We used to play it together all the time—Max dubbed it “Lab Coat Tetris”, which was never that funny, but it was funny enough. Especially since it was just us, together. I never needed Max to be the funniest, most amusing person on earth. I just needed to be there with and for Max, and have them return the favor.

We both kinda failed.

“Um, nothing much? Just moved into my apartment, which is pretty cool. My roommate is this Asian vlogger chick with a love for matcha and thrifting, so we’ve been getting along pretty well.” The music changes—they’re totally gaming in the background. Which is so disgustingly Max, it hurts. “D.C. is chill. I miss you, though. Way too much. How are you?”

“Not terrible?” I hate this. Do they realize what happened? Do they have the faintest idea? Do they even know I moved? “The first month of summer kinda flew by, didn’t it?”

“Yeah…. It feels like I can hardly remember anything from the past couple weeks, honestly. I guess it’s just a moving thing. College starting, the like. Oh shit no don’t rotate that way—”

“You good?” I’ve never told them how stupid I feel when they game on the other line, but when they make the gaming obvious, it definitely doesn’t feel great. They do this kind of thing a lot—call me up, then get distracted by background tasks. It’s like I become a background task.

It was something I looked over when we were still together, I realize. Maybe I just didn’t want to believe that I wasn’t as important to them as they were to me.

Which is dumb and untrue and okay, stop, Alyssa.

The music stops. It’s unlikely Max turned it off, just muted it in hopes of being slightly-less-busted. “Sorry. Lab Coat Tetris.”

“You’re good.” At least they didn’t do that whole thing where they try to gaslight me about hearing anything, something that used to happen way too often. Because, that was definitely Dr. Mario in the background. “Max, I—”

“Alyssa, why did we break up?”

It’s so abrupt, so demanding. So Max.

Not the question I wanted to hear. Ever.

Max’s voice is strained. Maybe they really did turn off the game, because this definitely doesn’t feel like a background task. “I-I can’t remember, exactly. And, just, well … we used to talk so much. And now, we stopped, and I feel so stupid, but I thought we’d always at least be friends. Did I do something? Because, I know I still want to talk to you. I mean, Alyssa, I still want you.”

I don’t know how to respond. And I don’t know how I feel about them saying they want me. Just want. Don’t they anything-else me?

Tanner had told me that talking to Max about what happened—what they couldn’t remember—could be dangerous. “Don’t even try to lie,” he’d warned. “A lie will feel super-off. Just, avoid the topic if you can.” Then Dad had suggested just ignoring Max all together, which seemed way easier.

This was supposed to be way easier.

“Alyssa?” Max asks.

“I have to go,” I whisper, then hang up. I could almost laugh at the way I jab the hangup button with my finger repeatedly, even a few seconds after I’ve hung up, but I don’t think it’s funny.

Ugh. I hate everything.

I’m definitely crying. I don’t want to be crying, but it’s not as if I have a choice in the matter. I need to find Tanner, I decide. He’s, like, the magic solution to not crying. He gets me like none other.

Tanner. Where are you???

It’s kinda important.

Dude. Duuuude.

Tanner, I need you. Like, rn.

He doesn’t respond. I mean, I don’t expect an immediate response, but after a few minutes of crying in silence, staring at my screen, and swiping away text notifications from poor Max, I decide it’s probably best if I go find him.

Small groups of people are heading off the beach now, which makes sense—I’ve heard (secondhand from Tanner) there’s a hardly-enforced local curfew for minors, but a local curfew nonetheless. I keep my head dipped in hope the teens don’t notice my tears whilst still keeping an eye out for an elusive Tanner. I don’t see him, though, and he doesn’t answer my texts. Why does it seem that, whenever we go out, I have to track him down? Just, I do not need this right now. At all.

As soon as I’ve stumbled back over the hill, that stupid wave of sadness slams into me all over again, and I can’t breathe. There are so many people milling about on the beach that I could scream—I don’t want to talk to them. I don’t want to talk to anyone.

I need to be alone.

I need Tanner.

I need to breathe.

I decide to trudge back up the hill to the cliff. Hopefully, Elliot has left by now. And if not … I’ll just have to do my best to get her to leave. I seriously cannot people right now. Peopleing is hard enough when you’re not wallowing through the trenches of a panic attack and/or breakdown.

This time heading up the hill, I don’t turn my flashlight on. I almost slide down at one point, and the trail’s gravel scrapes my knee, but I don’t stop. I need to breathe. I need to breathe.

The cliff’s edge entices me over. I stand at the edge and shove my phone in my sweatshirt before threading my fingers through my hair and yanking probably harder than I should. Just, ugh. Why do I feel so stupid? This is for the best. I know it’s for the best. Max and I shouldn’t be together. I mean, we’re probably about as perfect for each other as perfect can get, I feel like, but they saw my tail. They saw my tail, and they freaked. I wasn’t Alyssa anymore, I guess. They were done.

Do I blame them, though?

I mean, I am a fucking fish, of all things. One second, Max is gently sliding my pants down, lips pressed tantalizingly against the side of my neck, and then the next, my legs start prickling all over and I’m shoving them away and screaming and crying, because it hurts. It hurts so much.

And then, Tanner is running into my bedroom and staring at the scene unfolding, and then he’s shoving Max away and freaking out and being a dick to Max, and I’m still crying, and Max has only just started crying but in this weird confused way, and nothing stops. Nothing slows. Everything is too fast, and too long, and too terrible.

Tanner manages to get Max to stay till my dad gets home, but Max’s reaction is anything but chill. And that’s when I knew. It was never going to work out. It couldn’t work out. Even though we totally should have. I hate this tail. I hate everything about it. It’s the worst thing about me by far, an uncontrollable detail that seeks to take over every part of my life, dictating what I can and what I cannot do. It has sunk its claws into the flesh of my existence, and there’s no escaping it.

Max couldn’t handle it. Wouldn’t handle it. So Tanner dealt with it.

He told me he dealt with it.

I could scream.

It would probably feel good, screaming. A nice howl into the crisp ocean air. I feel like it’d be too much. That, it would be such a scream, my throat would go hoarse. I’d be able to feel it tear up my vocal chords, and I’d be all, “Damn, why’d I do that?”, but I’d have screamed, and it would already feel at least somewhat better.

Will it ever get better, though?

Generally, I’m a quiet crier, but I can’t help this weird, sad snot-choking sound I make as me and Max being done sinks in. We’re done. Done-done. Like, never-ever-going-back-done.

I hate my fucking tail.

A/N:

Alyssa’s tail is officially an oof, my broskis. Also, I lied – I think this is our shortest chapter. By a lot.

That’s all the updates for this week! Hope you’re enjoying thus far!

Edit: Scott Pilgrim is a very well-shot movie.