Chapter 22

ELIZABETH

“Mother may I talk to you?”

Claire walked in when it was almost night time. Eyes swollen full of guilt.

The young nun never got any better. The hospital could not find anything wrong with her, physically yet Claire was ill. She was now skeletal and quite feeble. Other nuns tried to help, bringing her food and praying with her.

Yet Claire was yet to mutter a single word from her mouth since Raven was taken away.

Raven….

“Claire, yes. I see you have decided to speak” I addressed her, somewhat curious why now?.

“I vowed to only do so when I was ready to confess” She weakly sat down in the chair facing mine.

“Should I call the priest?” I asked.

“No. This…is about Raven” Claire responded, her voice tired. Her fingers were nervously shaking on my desk.

I swallowed, shifting in my seat.

“Continue”

Claire took a second to gather herself. A shift in her seat, she brought her eyes on me.

“Raven never forced herself on Aurora.” She confessed, voice firm for the first time since she stepped inside my office.

Surprised she knew about the aurora issue that had been kept hidden frok everone as a decision of mine. I asked, “How do you know about that?”

“Because I was there when it happened. Behind the wall in the Rosary room”

“I don’t understand, please start from the beginning” I regarded her with dread, my chest burdened with what she would say.

“I uh..I was in the rosary room talking to Aurora over my feelings for Rayana the novice who left”

The way Claire spoke. It was as though she was not the one narrating. She appeared to be distracted, tired. Almost like she was giving up.

“I planned to inform you of my decision to leave the convent. Aurora had me pray over it before I came to you and she was quite unhappy with my decision hence the fight. I kept asking her why, she confessed she loved me and kissed me. I did not push her off and before I could understand what was happening a nun saw us and hurried to tell. Raven was….” Claire stopped, taking a breath.

“Raven just came in, a bottle of wine in hand. I was…I was scared. I could not move. I could not fathom the kind of punishment I would receive when she pushed me behind the wall in the rosary room and….and everything happened…I uh..I I am so sorry” Claire sobbed in her hands, shoulders shaking as she trembled from guilty pains.

I had no strength to lift my own hand, to say anything right away. To comfort her.

“I…I keep having nightmares of her in jail. I didn’t mean to hide. I wanted to say something, to you, to everyone. That..that Aurora lied. I did not…I did not mean to lie with her, I’m sorrryyy”

She cried. In front of me, she sobbed all her regrets away and I suppos there was peace for her. A first step of forgiveness and she was here now, doing the right thing. Though unaware, recklessly unaware of what she had really done for me.

Of course Aurora played a part, Claire played a part.

What about me?.

What had I done?.

I knew where Raven was, everyday I had nightmares of what she could be going through because I knew every moment what was happening to her. Every dream, I was the one holding the whip. Her own monster.

And maybe I told myself she deserved it. For what she tried to do to Aurora. For betraying me after I gave myself to her. For the pain she caused me when she took away my faith. For leaving me unable to pray.

I hated her for her little questions, her words, the way she looked at me, for the way she touched me. Her fingers inside me, changing me. Her kisses, her skin between my teeth. Her neck in my hand.

I hated Raven for filling me with lust, with love, with a need I could not quench. I hated her for making me lose my spot on the holy grail.

I loathed my love for her.

“Do you know what happened to her?. Is she in prison?” Claire croaked out, fear in her innocent orbs.

“No. I do not know what happened after she was taken away” I lied, almost as if I had done it a thousand times. A lie that could be believed.

Even more, I hated Raven for making me a sinner.

“I want to write my application for dispensation. Mother Superior I have decided to leave the convent for good” Claire declared after a moment of silence, still weak, still pale yet her empty eyes showed she was no longer one of us.

There was no warmth, not a spike of devotion or hope.

“Have you fully thought over this decision?”

“Yes mother. I have had 3 months to ponder over it and I can truly confirm I want to leave” The young woman almost begged, like if it was possible she wanted to leave right this second.

“What are your reasons?” I asked, more for protocol. I had to ask these questions.

“This life is not my calling. I do not belong here” Claire replied with a flat tone, almost too hateful.

“Have you thought over what you would like to do after you leave?. Where you will go?”

“I will find work, maybe try to get my teacher’s degree. I might find my family, my grandmother.”

“Alright. Tomorrow morning after prayers, come in my office so I can give you the document you must sign before we inform the community about your departure”

“Tomorrow then?. Will you let me leave tomorrow?” The girl cruised herself closer, eyes wide with trembling dry lips.

“Yes, you should be able to leave tomorrow night”

Claire brought her hand to her lips and let out a breath.

“I hope to find her again, Raven. To tell her how sorry I am.” Claire confessed softly.

Here she was confessing her love for women and I could not bring myself to do what I did with Raven. To tell the nuns, I would let go her way for my own redemption.

To feel better about what I did to her. I opened my mouth to respond only to be interrupted.

“Raven is not here?.” A strong raspy voice came from my door.

My head snapped up to see a red haired woman standing there, eyes that resembled a girl I betrayed except these were darker, older. Swimming with the kind of rage only a mother who knew what was happening to her daughter would feel. She almost stumbled over to me, too impatient to wait for my lack of response. I feared she was going to attack me.

“Where in the god forsaken hell is my daughter?”

☆ ☆ ☆

If you were/are a mother
Would you be a brave mother?
Or one who is helpless?

What’s something you will do for your child if someone hurt them?