Chapter 63

Three days. Three days until the second task. Atlas sat in the library studying and munching on a box of chocolates she’d had leftover from some anonymous valentine. She’d, of course, been suspicious at first but after checking the box over, she’d concluded they were safe to eat and had taken them to the library as a snack between reading. Harry sat across from her, reading through another charms book he hoped was on things that would help him breathe underwater, or at least, would allow him the immunity of the need for oxygen.

Atlas did the same, though her mind wandered whenever she saw a pale flicker of lamplight that looked too much like a pair of glowing white eyes. Eyes drifting again, Atlas caught herself rather suddenly and forced her gaze back to her book, plopping another chocolate in her mouth as she ignored the solemn sadness she’d found had settled to the very depths of her gut ever since that encounter in the forest.

True to her word, Atlas had told Minnie all about the sighting and security had been tripled, much to the inhabitants of Hogwarts’s curiosity. It soon went back to normal, however, Atlas did find her nights more restless than they had been in a while, it didn’t help with how close the next task was as well and, of course, both Harry and Hermione acting more jumpy and nervous than ever was just the cherry on top. Not only that but for some reason, Harry thought–

“I’m telling you,” Atlas looked up from her book and eyed her godbrother silently, “why would two dark wizard catchers be rifling through Snape’s belongings? Ron says Moody might think Snape put our names in the Goblet.”

–Harry thought Snape had it out for them. More so than usual. The night he’d figured out the true message of the Golden Egg, he’d bumped into Snape, Filch and Moody, the three of them talking on vague topics and whispering in minced words, and since then, Harry had been mumbling accusations against Snape all day every day. Even in his sleep, as Ron had mentioned once in passing.

“Did you not see how furious he was when we were chosen? Besides, shouldn’t we really be asking why Crouch is pretending to be ill?” Atlas asked. “You said Percy told you he was super weak right now, that’s why he couldn’t manage to go to the Yule Ball, which is why he was there in his stead, yet he managed to get all the way here, in the dead of night, without anybody noticing him? Besides, Moody isn’t the most reliable of sources…”

“I thought you liked Moody?”

“I do…I mean, I like the man my mum wrote about in my journals. But…the Moody we’ve met, he’s just…off. My mum described his presence in her journals and it’s nothing like he is now, it’s weird and I can’t believe you just handed him the Marauder’s Map. I told you I wanted it back,” Atlas grumbled, flicking a page of her textbook.

“I said I was sorry. He caught me off guard,” Harry defended, his hands up. “Moody said Snape was on his second chance, I just want to know what he did with his first one. Anyway, I sent a letter to Sirius about it, I should get this response soon.”

“Good idea.”

“He did say to update him,” Harry shrugged and then looked at Atlas, regarding her silently. “have you been getting enough sleep.”

“As much as I need.”

“That’s a lie.”

Atlas huffed. “I’ve been listening to the tapes Hermione got me for Christmas, they help me get any sleep at all and honestly, it’s enough. I’m functioning, aren’t I?”

“Barely.”

“Very funny.”

“Seriously, I can tell something’s been bothering you. After not seeing you at Hogsmeade, I thought you’d just skipped but clearly, something did happen because your whole demeanour has changed since then,” Harry retorted, his arms crossed and book discarded. Atlas glanced up at him and sighed, rubbing her sunken eyes, proof of just how fatigued she was.

“I just…look, I’ve already had this conversation with Luna. I’m confused right now, ok? I’ll tell you more when I’m ready,” Atlas resigned, feeling a comforting hand place itself in her own, she looked to see Harry with his palm against hers, offering some sort of reassurance. She knew Harry would know when not to pursue a subject and was thankful for that, so she offered him a grateful smile and squeezed his hand in her own. That smile soon turned sour, however. “Great.”

“What?”

The door to the library closed and there stood by the entrance Viktor Krum and Hermione Granger. Now, Atlas and Hermione were on great terms, they were just as close as they’d always been, however, when she was with Krum, Atlas couldn’t help the pure spite she felt and she did not need the anger that came with it right now. So, when Hermione spotted them, pointed them out to Krum and moved to sit with them, Atlas gathered her books and things, Harry hurriedly following the action in confusion. He had not turned to see Krum and Hermione just yet, but when he did, he nodded in sympathetic understanding and followed her over to Madam Pince’s desk.

There, the lady surveyed them over the rim of her glasses, swiping her wand so the books they’d chosen were stamped and given a due date. Harry waited just behind her, smiling and waving kindly at Hermione when the girl turned to look at them in confusion while Atlas resolutely stared at the steadily growing pile of books. “Madam Pince, do you have any books on Obscurus?”

That caught Harry’s attention and he inclined slightly, listening to the conversation between librarian and student. Madam Pince stared at Atlas silently, surveying her stiff and fatigued appearance before pulling out a long log of topics from beneath her desk. When it collided with the tabletop, a great cloud of dust kicked up from the cover, earning a cough from Harry but a simple grimace from Atlas. The girl waited, watching as Madam Pince uttered keywords under her breath. She even seemed to search through the restricted column but no, it all came up empty.

“Besides the book store in Diagon Alley, there are no novels containing the word Obscurus in their titles…” Madam Pince admitted rather curiously. “It’s not every day I see you requesting a book Atlas and when I do they’re always restricted or not currently in the library.”

“Guess I have a knack for wanting things I can’t have,” Atlas said through a grimace when she caught a few vague words going back and forth between Viktor and Hermione. She closed her eyes, swallowed down the lump in her throat and collected her books, nodding her head in gratitude. “Thanks for looking Madam Pince.”

“Not a problem dear, I’ll continue looking for you. Oh, please, if you could, tell Mr Longbottom to return the flower and Herbology books he owes. They were due three weeks ago,” Madam Pince waved, going back to her student log. Atlas nodded as she shifted her bag onto her shoulder, Harry doing the same as they moved over to the exit.

“Will do, Madam Pince.”

“Never seen Madam Pince so…” The library door closed behind them. “…nice.”

“All the teachers like me…maybe not Binns and Snape but they’re hard to please,” Atlas told and Harry laughed. “have you seen Hagrid?”

“Yeah, actually, we caught him just as he and Dumbledore,” — Atlas soured at the mention of their headmaster — “were just getting out of a meeting. Hagrid was wanting to resign because there were people calling for his withdrawal but Dumbledore told him all about the good things that have been said about him too. Hagrid says Dumbledore’s a great man and really…I can’t help but agree.”

“Because you don’t know him,” Atlas grunted but Harry didn’t seem to catch it, instead, he lunged to grab Atlas before they turned a corner. Atlas stumbled, slamming her back into a wall as Harry then peered around the corner they were about to turn. His god-sister looked with him, eyes widening slightly before she sighed and dragged Harry out of cover, hauling him along and past Cedric who was chatting with a bunch of his mates. He, however, noticed them and offered the two an acknowledging smile, raising a bandaged arm in greeting. “What happened to you Diggory?”

“The idiot tried to impress Cho doing Seeker tricks, broke his arm totally!” One of the Hufflepuffs to his left grinned.

“Edward, you prick!”

“Idiot,” Atlas laughed and gave them a curt wave, watching as Cedric went back to his friends, face flushed from embarrassment. The god sibling pair continued walking, unperturbed, but obviously, something was wrong with Harry as the boy had gone completely tense. “What’s up?”

“I don’t know how to talk to pretty people.”

“Jesus Christ.”

“First time I haven’t heard you say Merlin’s Beard.”

“I picked it up from Hermione,” Atlas grumbled. “Who even is Jesus?”

“I…I couldn’t tell you, I did not understand R.E.”

“What’s R.E?”

“Religious Education, it’s a Muggle thing. Surely you’ve heard of Christianity?”

“I have, I just…never read about it? I know it’s where Jesus comes from but I didn’t get out as a kid and most of the Hogsmeade residents are all Pagans. Or well…Wiccans, they believe in multiple Gods or well Deities — Anyway! That’s not the point. Why are you so jittery?”

“Cedric was the one who helped me work out the egg.”

“That makes no sense. How would he know?”

“He just told me he heard something in his Defense Against the Dark Arts class. He said he was on his way to tell you but bumped into me first and knew I would tell you for him because we’re basically brother and sister,” Harry told as they began walking again. “So I’ve been meaning to thank him but it’s hard to get him alone like…why does he travel in a pack? What am I supposed to do? Lasso him?”

“Great idea. A real conversation starter. Kidnap him and see where it goes. Wow, never knew you were such a lady – man – person killer,” Atlas praised sarcastically. “Merlin, yours and Hermione’s sarcasm has really rubbed off on me, I used to be a flirt and now I’m a sardonic piece of shit.”

“You’re still a flirt. You’re just a sardonic piece of shit flirt.”

“Flattering.”

“Kidding, you’re not even sardonic…or flirty, actually. You’re just angsty at the moment because of the task and Kru — Krusty people,” Harry smiled nervously, redirecting his words when Atlas had sent him a warning glare.

“Nice save,” Atlas muttered. “That idiot can’t even de-thorn a rose. Swear his head is full of sawdust.”

“Moody said that,” Harry laughed and Atlas smiled ever so slightly at the sound. It was particularly rare to hear, especially after all that’s happened lately. “It’s endearing that he tried?”

“Who’s side are you on?”

“Yours.”

“Good answer,” Atlas huffed, pushing him along playfully. “It’s fine though, I think she’s happy.”

“Maybe, though she does think he’s annoying,” Harry grinned and Atlas perked up, looking over at him curiously. “Well, they don’t really talk much, apparently he’s more of a physical being, he just stares at her while she reads. She says it’s irritating.”

“Yeah right, I sometimes stare at her when she reads and she doesn’t care.”

“Yeah well, you’re you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It’s hard to hate you…?”

“Awe, Potter-boy. You do care,” Atlas grinned, pulling him into her side as she ruffled his hair. He cried out in protest, trying to push away her hand as they finally walked down the long strip leading to the Fat Lady’s painting to no avail. And to that, Atlas laughed. Fully and wholeheartedly.

By eight o’clock, Atlas had near enough finished all of her left-over valentines chocolate, with a little help from a few passers-by, she’d even given some to her fellow Quidditch mates. Katie had been the most appreciative, reminiscing about how Leanne – her girlfriend – had totally forgotten about Valentines Day, however, she then went on into a very detailed description on how she’d made it up to her and well, Harry had promptly gathered his things to vacate to his room and Atlas did the same.

Though, Katie, being the little shit she is, followed her to her room and slumped into her desk chair, continuing to give Atlas a play by play of what went down. It served for some good background noise as Atlas read, though, so she didn’t entirely mind. Little Robin was hiding from the noise beneath Kalo’s wing, however, and the little Agoniser had resorted to nipping at Katie’s fingers. Crookshanks was just wagging his tail testily at Atlas’s feet, glaring fiercely at Katie and her yapping mouth.

“Atlas! She grabbed me by my belt buckle! Honestly, I was about ready to give in to her right then and there but I couldn’t, I had to keep up my facade!” Katie retold passionately and Atlas nodded along idly, “Look, stand up I want to show you!” Atlas did as told, placing one of Hermione’s bookmarks against her page as she closed it and stood in front of Katie. “Ok this is weirder because you’re taller but it was like this–“

The door creaked open just as Katie pulled Atlas against her by the buckle of her belt and the two Quidditch players turned to see Hermione, frozen, in the doorway, red-faced with an open book in hand. Crookshanks yowled out in relief, pouncing into the arms of his salvation as the room descended into an awkward tension. Katie threw her hands up as Atlas readjusted her trousers, Hermione shuffling awkwardly.

“Sorry if I…interrupted anything…”

“No!” Katie shouted quickly as Atlas collected her book from her bed nonchalantly and flipped it open again, laying down once more. “I’m dating Leanne!”

“Oh…that’s tactless isn’t it?” Hermione grimaced.

“No, wait! I meant, I was just showing Atlas what Leanne did to me!” Katie seemed to ponder on it a moment, “Ok so…that sounded better in my head…like, in theory, it sounded ok but in practical…perhaps I didn’t think it through. I’m so telling Leanne all about this later, it’ll give her a good laugh.”

“Right…ok then,” Hermione smiled and then continued through the door, dropping her bag from her shoulder onto her desk and carefully placing Crookshanks on her bed. She then sat down herself, looking up at Katie a moment and then glancing over at Atlas. “Oh, were you talking? Did you want me to leave?”

“Not at all, I was just going,” Katie grinned, picking up her own bag. “See you, Magianima!”

“Bye, Bell,” Atlas waved and Katie left the room with a grin and farewell over her shoulder. Now the room was silent and both Agoniser and Little Robin seemed to revel in that fact, even Kalo’s feathers had unruffled, Crookshanks was just content in his owner’s arms, purring into the side of Hermione’s face as the girl remained to stare at the profile of her roommate. “What’s up?”

“Why do you always leave when I walk into the library?”

“I don’t,” Atlas retorted. “I leave when Krum walks in.”

“I thought you liked him?”

“Not anymore…” Atlas grumbled and then she cast a sideways look to Hermione, noticing how the lamplight darkened the already prominent bags beneath the girl’s eyes. “You should get some sleep.”

“So should you.”

“Fair play.”

Though she ignored Hermione’s suggestion and went back to reading an old book on the Black Lake and its inhabitants. She hoped it would give her some clarity on the next task. Hoped it would reveal to her secrets she could use to her advantage. So far she knew all that roamed the depths and what ruins could be found scattered across the lake floor but there were no directions nor were there spells she could use against the creatures of the lake. She’d come to a dead end. Again.

A movement sounded beside her but Atlas didn’t look up, instead, she shuffled over, leaving a space for Hermione to sit and when she did, she lay her head against her shoulder. And that — that Atlas hadn’t expected. So she tensed at first, only to slowly slacken when Hermione started drawing circles against the burns of her left arm. It was barely there, faint even, but Atlas still felt it and she smiled as she continued reading, the warm glow of the candle lighting them up just enough. However, mere moments later, it died and with its last flickering light, the veil of darkness fell over them.

It was soon replaced, however, as Hermione pulled out a familiar quill grip from the confines of her shirt and twisted it so an artificial light poured from the designs etched across its shaft. “There, you can continue reading.”

But Atlas was too distracted now, her gaze fastened to the side of Hermione’s face. “I…I think I’m done for tonight.”

“That’s a good idea,” Hermione nodded and went to stand, however, Atlas pulled her back, leaning over her to place her book on her desk and then slyly settling against her mattress in a way that forbid Hermione from moving. “Atlas…”

“I sleep better with you around, Mi.”

“…do you want some music?”

“…Please,” Atlas nodded slightly and Hermione smiled, running a hand through the girl’s hair as she then reached over to slot a cassette tape into the well-used Walkman she and Fobbo had gotten Atlas for Christmas. She’d been both happy and worried to see how much it was used, more specifically how much the cassette labelled for sleepless nights was used but had been overall glad it was helping in some way.

Hermione sunk against the bed, pulling the covers over herself as Kalo settled atop the headboard, Little Robin under his right wing while the Agoniser settled at his left. Crookshanks simply squished his way between them, settling in the little gap between his humans and nuzzling the underside of Hermione’s chin when she rest her head against Atlas’s heart, listening as it beat strong and calm.

“Are you worried about the second task?”

Hermione smiled softly and angled her head upward, looking at Atlas’s foggy expression. “Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“I suppose. I guess I’m just…feeling as uncertain as I was for the first task.”

“Don’t go running away on me now,” Hermione chided playfully and Atlas smiled.

“I won’t,” she assured. “Hey, Mi?”

“Yeah?”

“What do you think of me?”

“What do you mean?” Hermione furrowed her brows and inclined so Atlas had no choice but to meet her gaze. “Atlas? What’s brought this on?”

“Just…I don’t know. I’m just thinking back to a conversation I had with Harry this afternoon…he noticed how…absent I’ve been and I just…I’ve been really confused,” Atlas mumbled, brows furrowing as she stared off somewhere distant, somewhere that was not their dorm, nor did Hermione think it was anywhere she could comprehend. “That’s what I told him. And it’s the truth but I didn’t tell him why…”

“So why have you been confused?”

“I — I saw the monster…in the forest during the Hogsmeade weekend, it’s why I never showed. I’ve already talked about this with Luna because she was there with me, she saw it too and I guess I’m telling you this because I know you already know what the monster is to me.”

“It was here? On Hogwarts grounds?”

“Yeah…”

“Are you ok?”

“What? Oh…yeah,” Atlas nodded, though she held Hermione just that bit tighter. “It’s just, I’ve been confused about it ever since because when I saw it…I wasn’t angry, not like I was when I saw Peter or how I am when I see it in my dreams. I was just…scared and mournful, I felt grief. We just stared at each other…until it started calling me this name and I…I lost control of my magic. 

“So, now — now I’m confused within myself, I don’t know what’s going on in my mind nor my body and it’s frightening because I’m losing control and all sure conclusions I had on my feelings towards this nightmare. But they’ve come crashing down on me because suddenly, a part of me doesn’t want to avenge my mother by taking the monster down…a part of me wants to — to understand it. A singular part of me…a minuscule part of me…and the other part of me…the other part of me that’s shadowed by this singular want, is the part I’ve always known. The anger and the hatred.”

“So, you’re confused on why that anger and hatred you’ve always had growing up is now being overshadowed by the want to understand? The want to…gather knowledge on the monster?” Hermione clarified and Atlas nodded, her throat tight.

“Exactly. So I’m confused and unsure, conflicted on what’s wrong with me because this is the same feeling I had about my dad. The feeling that he was innocent over the want to hate him because of what he’d allegedly done to Harry’s parents and the initial dislike I had for him growing up because of what I went through due to his name. But this Monster…this Monster killed my mum, Hermione…I watched it happen. I can’t be feeling sorry for it. What kind of daughter would that make me? Feeling pity, feeling sorrow, grief and the want to understand this monster? I can’t feel sorry for this killer and yet I…”

“Yet you do…” Hermione whispered and Atlas nodded, her lips trembling into a frown as silent tears fell from her eyes.

“And I don’t know why…” She breathed, voice cracking. “So…Mi, please…what do you think of me?”

Hermione silently watched her expression, noticing the uncertainty in her eyes, the fear and blooming self-loathing. “I think…you’re amazing, you’re the same Atlas as you were when we met and I gave you those stupid sausages, the one who likes to drink orange juice straight after brushing her teeth, the one that has an unhealthy obsession with chocolate and who can fly through the air like a fish swims in the sea. You’re strong, the strongest witch I’ve ever met and you don’t cut yourself enough slack…sometimes we feel things, things we might not want to feel and it can hurt…it can make us question ourselves.”

“Yes but this is different…this feels different and I can’t,” — her chest clenched so she took in a breath — “I can’t deal with it.”

“Maybe not on your own,” Hermione smiled, reaching up to brush away her tears, thumbs grazing across scars and idly connecting lines between faint freckles. “But you have people to help you…Harry, Ron, Cedric, Sirius, Lupin, McGonagall, even Fobbo would be up for it,” Atlas managed a watery chuckle. “And me.”

Atlas startled, looking deep into Hermione’s eyes, seeing her earnest and honest soul. She really couldn’t help but mutter softly — “and you.”

“Yeah…me,” Hermione grinned, placing a kiss on her nose, just as she would do to Frog. “Now come on…let’s sleep, ok? We can figure this out together, alright? When the task is over and we have time to breathe.”

“Tactless…talking about breathing when I need to figure out a way to hold my breath for an hour underwater,” Atlas grumbled half-heartedly. She brought up a hand from beneath the covers and rubbed her eyes with a bundled fist.

“Oh, shush…” Hermione scolded and Atlas smiled sleepily, leaning her ear against Hermione’s heart, just as she had done moments ago. “Night.”

“Night, Mi…and, thank you, I…I really appreciate you.”

“Yeah,” Hermione held her closer, letting the worry for her friend and what lay ahead spread across her face, tears pooling in her eyes as she bit her lip to stop the sob that threatened to betray her. “I appreciate you too. You’ll be ok.”

Whether Hermione said that last bit to reassure Atlas or herself, she didn’t know and told herself it was both.