Chapter 6

The first thing Lena noticed was how beautiful Miu looked when she was nervous.

Not anxious nervous.

Happy nervous.

There was a difference.

Happy nervous made Miu’s fingers restless around the iced coffee in her hand. It made her bounce slightly on the balls of her feet without realizing it. It made her smile too much, then bite it back down like she was trying not to explode before saying something important.

Lena noticed all of it immediately.

Because of course she did.

She always noticed everything about Miu.

The tiny crease beside her left eye whenever she was excited.

The way her voice got softer when something mattered to her.

The way she looked at people so sincerely it almost hurt to be seen by her.

Or loved by her.

Even just as a friend.

Especially as a friend.

“You’re smiling to yourself again.” Lena teased lightly as she walked beside her.

Miu immediately looked away, trying to hide it.

“I am not.”

“You literally are.”

“I’m not.”

“You look insane.”

Miu laughed under her breath.

That laugh.

God.

Lena had spent years memorizing that laugh without meaning to.

The short inhale before it.

The way her shoulders loosened afterward.

The warmth of it.

It was terrifying how something so ordinary could become someone else’s entire weakness.

They stopped near the sidewalk outside the café where the rest of their friend group usually hung out.

Evening traffic blurred past them in streaks of white and red lights. The city buzzed around them, alive and loud, but Lena only heard Miu.

Because Miu suddenly looked at her.

Really looked at her.

And Lena’s heartbeat stumbled.

There was something there.

Something important.

Miu tightened her grip around her drink before blurting…

“I need to tell you something.”

At the exact same moment Lena finally forced herself to speak.

“I love you.”

“Ling and I are together now.”

Silence.

Everything stopped.

Not metaphorically.

Not emotionally.

Actually stopped.

Lena heard her own heartbeat disappear.

Miu blinked.

“What?”

The word hit softly.

Confused.

Completely innocent.

Lena’s body reacted before her mind could.

Her stomach dropped so violently she almost felt sick.

Her fingers twitched at her side. Heat rushed up her neck while something cold spread through her chest at the exact same time.

But the worst part…

The absolute worst part…

Was… Miu smiling.

Smiling.

Brightly.

Beautifully.

Like she was standing inside the happiest moment of her life.

And Lena realized instantly…

None of that happiness was for her.

“I said…” Lena heard herself laugh weakly. Too quickly. Too breathlessly.

“I said… I love you. Obviously. You’re my best friend.”

She forced another laugh.

It sounded wrong.

Even to her own ears.

But Miu didn’t notice.

God.

Miu didn’t notice.

“Oh my God…” Miu groaned, immediately relaxing.

“You scared me for a second.”

The words sliced through Lena so cleanly she almost physically reacted.

Scared her?

The idea of Lena loving her like that scared her?

No.

No, Miu didn’t mean it that way.

Lena knew that.

But heartbreak was cruel. It twisted everything into weapons.

“I mean, of course I love you…” Lena continued quickly before silence could expose her.

“As a friend. So I support you. Completely. And yes, finally. Honestly… took you two long enough.”

She lightly shoved Miu’s shoulder.

Or tried to.

Her hand shook halfway there.

“Seriously, the entire friend group has been waiting for this forever. You and Ling are painfully slow.”

And then it happened.

The moment that destroyed her.

Miu laughed instantly.

Instantly.

No pause.

No lingering confusion.

No widened eyes.

No moment of wondering.

No tiny spark of hope.

Nothing.

Just… relief.

Pure, immediate relief.

Like romantic love from Lena had never once crossed her mind.

Not even as a possibility.

Not even for a second.

And God…

That hurt more than rejection ever could.

Because rejection at least meant consideration.

This?

This meant Lena had never even existed in that way inside Miu’s heart.

“Aww, thanks, Le.” Miu smiled so warmly it became unbearable.

“You’re actually the first person I told because I knew you’d understand. I knew you’d be happy.”

Lena swallowed carefully.

Happy?

Every breath suddenly felt sharp.

“Yeah?”

“Of course.” Miu grinned.

“The others would freak out first before being supportive. But you? I knew you’d just accept us immediately.”

Us.

The word nearly shattered her composure.

Us.

Miu and Ling.

A future.

A relationship.

A happiness… Lena would only ever witness from the outside.

Miu pulled out her phone excitedly.

“I’m telling the group chat right now to hang out later.”

Miu said, her thumbs already moving on her phone.

“I want to introduce Lingling to the whole group.”

Lena nodded automatically.

“Yeah. Yeah, do that.”

Her voice sounded far away.

Miu became completely absorbed in typing, smiling to herself every few seconds.

Lena stared at her.

And suddenly the pain became physical.

Not metaphorical.

Physical.

Her chest tightened so hard it hurt to breathe properly. Her throat burned. Her eyes stung violently.

Miu looked so happy.

So unbelievably happy.

Lena had imagined countless versions of confession in her head before this day.

Some hopeful.

Most hopeless.

But somehow, in every version… she had still secretly believed there would at least be a moment.

A pause.

A realization.

Something.

Anything.

But there was nothing.

Miu was in love with someone else.

Completely.

Wholeheartedly.

And Lena…

Lena was simply… the safest place to celebrate it.

That realization almost broke her right there on the sidewalk.

Her vision blurred suddenly.

Shit.

No.

Not now.

Not in front of Miu.

Lena quickly rubbed at her eye.

“Something got in my eye.” She muttered casually.

Miu barely looked up from her phone.

“Hm?”

“Dust.”

“Oh.”

Then immediately back to typing.

And somehow that hurt too.

Because Miu trusted her so much she didn’t even think to look closer.

Lena could be breaking apart in front of her and Miu would never know unless Lena said it out loud.

And she never would.

Then…

A car suddenly pulled over beside them.

The passenger window rolled down.

Lingling…

Beautiful.

Soft-eyed.

Smiling immediately the second she saw Miu.

And Lena watched Miu’s entire face light up in a way she had never once seen directed at herself.

It was small.

Subtle.

But undeniable.

Love…

Real love…

The kind that reached the eyes before the smile even formed.

Miu waved immediately, practically glowing.

And Lena…

Lena genuinely thought her heart cracked.

Because that expression…

That expression… was all she had ever wanted.

Just once.

Just once… she had wanted Miu to look at her like that.

“Le…” Miu turned back toward her.

“I have to go. But you’re coming later, okay? You have to be there.”

Lena forced her lips upward.

“Y-Yeah. Of course.”

The stutter almost exposed her.

Miu didn’t notice.

Again.

“Promise?”

Half a second pause. Then…

“Promise.”

Then Miu stepped forward… and hugged her.

Lena stopped breathing.

It was automatic for Miu.

Casual.

Warm.

Friendly.

But for Lena…

It felt catastrophic.

Miu wrapped both arms around her comfortably, naturally, like this was safe.

Like Lena was safe.

Lena stood frozen for one horrible second before slowly hugging her back.

Carefully.

Like touching something fragile.

Or sacred.

Miu smelled familiar.

Coffee.

Perfume.

Home…

Lena’s eyes shut tightly.

Don’t break.

Don’t break.

Don’t break here.

“You okay?” Miu asked softly against her shoulder.

Lena nearly lost control hearing that voice so close.

“Yeah.” She whispered.

It came out strangled.

Miu pulled back slightly, hands still resting on Lena’s arms.

“Take care of yourself, okay?”

And there it was again.

That unbearable gentleness.

The kind that meant nothing romantic.

The kind that meant everything to Lena anyway.

“Of course.” Lena joked weakly.

“My future girlfriend still needs me alive.”

Miu laughed.

Actually laughed.

“Oh, that’s true. Don’t worry. Ling and I will help you find one.”

Ling and I.

Every… single… time.

Like knives pushed deeper each repetition.

Lena smiled anyway.

Because what else could she do?

Tell Miu that nobody else would ever compare?

Tell her she had already ruined love for Lena by simply existing?

Tell her that every future relationship would probably feel unfair because none of them would be her?

Instead Lena just nodded.

Meanwhile, inside her head…

It was screaming.

It’s you.

You’re the one I want.

It’s always been you.

Miu finally stepped away and climbed into the car beside Lingling.

And Lena watched the scene unfold… like something designed specifically to torture her.

Miu leaned closer immediately.

Lingling smiled.

Then… Miu kissed her.

Soft.

Quick.

Natural.

The kind of kiss people shared when they had already crossed into something certain.

Lena felt her stomach twist so violently she looked away for half a second.

But not fully.

Never fully.

Because even heartbreak couldn’t stop her from looking at Miu.

“Go already.” Lena called out jokingly, forcing a light tone.

“You’re an eyesore.”

Miu and Lingling laughed together.

Together.

God.

“Bye, Le!” They said at the same time.

The window rolled back up.

The car pulled away.

And Lena stood there smiling until the vehicle completely disappeared from sight.

Only then…

Only then…

Did her face collapse.

The tears came instantly.

Violently.

Like her body had been waiting for permission.

Lena turned away from the street quickly, covering her mouth as a broken sound escaped her throat.

Her chest hurt.

Everything hurt.

She bent forward slightly, trying to breathe through it, but the pain only worsened now that she was alone.

Because her body understood before her mind did.

Her heart understood immediately.

It knew something irreversible had just happened.

Something final.

But her brain…

Her brain still hadn’t caught up yet.

It still kept replaying Miu’s smile.

Miu’s happiness.

Miu saying: “Ling and I.”

Over and over and over again.

And somehow the cruelest part of all…

Miu had left happy.

Completely happy.

While Lena stayed behind feeling like something inside her had just died quietly without anyone noticing.

•••••

Author’s Note:

Some heartbreaks don’t come from losing someone. Sometimes, they come from realizing you were never in the picture to begin with. Not even as an option.

Have you ever been so close to someone that you knew everything about them, but still weren’t even a thought in their “what if”?

If yes, then you already know what this title means.

If this felt a little too familiar, feel free to leave a 🌟.

Thanks, Martyrs. 😉