Chapter 15

“Project time!”

I groan internally when my physics teacher, a pot bellied, balding man called Mr. Robinson, slams a sheet of paper down in front of me on my desk. I’ve already had to put up with his tone deaf voice droning on and on about doppler and red shift and blue shift. Just thinking about it is scrambling my brain and the last thing I need right now is a long ass project, especially with the first game of the season this Saturday. I can’t afford to split my time between soccer and schoolwork, so this project couldn’t have come at a worse time.

I peer at the title and scowl when I realise it’s an essay about The Big Bang theory. I read that it’s an argumentative essay about if the formation of the universe is more acceptable than the Steady State theory. It’s a topic I find interesting but at the same time I really don’t want to have to write a four page essay on it.

I watch as Mr. Robinson struts around the room and hands out sheets of paper to the pairs of my classmates sharing desks, going on about how we need to work with the person next to us to write a detailed essay about our topic title, and come up with an argument for and against it’s uses. “You will work together to write the introduction and the explanations of both theories, but write your arguments separately, meaning that if you don’t complete your half of the project, your partners grade will suffer as well as yours. Don’t forget to paraphrase your evidence, and if I find out you copied your essay from somewhere online your mark will immediately be zero for your pairing, regardless of if it was only one of you who cheated.”

I glare at my sheet of paper, knowing I’m actually going to have to do work or I’ll fail, and my partner will be furious with me. Hopefully we have a while to do it, so I can start and finish it this weekend. That way I can dedicate the week to soccer and the weekend to my grades.

I freeze up when I realise who my partner is.

“Looks like I have an excuse to see you outside of school now, what with you avoiding me, donut.” I cringe when I hear that Clay’s voice is humorous whilst saying my nickname, but his icy eyes are glinting with obvious annoyance. I look at him to see his face set in stone, his strong jaw clenched as he looks at me and waits a respone. His strong arms are resting on the desk, arms flexed as he taps a pencil against his chin, his head slightly tilted to one side as he waits for me to speak. He sighs, running a hands through his unruly hair before dropping it onto the desk. “You’re barely acting like we’re friends anymore, Alex, let alone my girlfriend. What the hell is going on?”

If anyone thought our relationship was bad before, trust me it is now only worsening as time goes on. We’ve been barely speaking to each other, and its been over a week since I actually texted him about something that didn’t involve physics homework. That night at the party has really put things into perspective, from Mackenzie kissing me to me waking up and finding out about the fact I drunkenly had sex with Clay, and the last two weeks have really given me time to think about things. What I said to Faye and April about wanting to make things work, everything I said was true. But that night spiralled out of my control and now whenever I look at Clay, I know deep in my chest that we don’t work anymore, and nothing either of us do will change that. I have a crush, albeit a small one, on another person and if I was invested in Clay like I should be those feelings would never have come about.

We’re both stuck in a relationship we don’t want but neither of us has the courage to end it. I sigh and look into his pained eyes, knowing that I’m going to have to grow a vagina, woman up, and tell him what’s going on in my head.

I owe it to the both of us.

I run a hand over my face and look at my boyfriend, knowing it’ll be better to sort this sooner rather than later. “I have practice after school, but I’ll come round as soon as its finished. We have a lot to talk about and I don’t think fourth period physics is the best place to do it.”

I can tell Clay has caught on to how I am very much not joking about this, because all he does is release a long breath of air, nod a few times, and drop his eyes to look at the desk. “I think you’re right.” He says, his finger tracing the groove of a line carved into the wood, his face somber. “I think it’s about time we sorted this.”

I squeeze his shoulder comfortingly, running my hand over his head just as the bell rings. He makes no effort to get up so I just smile and squeeze his shoulder again before packing up my notebook and heading for the door.

Clay is still tracing the carvings on our desk when I look back.

~•~

“Are you coming to Benny’s with us? Faye has just text me saying she could eat the giant mega rib meal and now money is being put down on whether or not she can actually do it.”

I look at April and laugh as I pull a clean pair of socks onto my feet. She’s completely ready, her usually red hair wet and coloured a muddy brown because she’s just had a shower, pulled into a bun so it doesn’t dampen her shirt.

The whole team is loitering around today, idling chatting to one another as they wait for nothing in particular. The ‘us’ that April is referring to must contain a few of the soccer girls, and I haven’t hung out with them in so long. Mackenzie is sat on the bench beside me, shoving her feet into her shoes whilst laughing at something Gemma has said. I haven’t hung out with Mackenzie just us two since the soccer trip to UPenn, and that was just under two weeks ago.

I miss hanging out with her, is that weird?

“I might come after, I have to go to Clay’s.” I say and feel Mackenzie’s body tense next to mine. I know why she tensed, it’s because I said Clay’s name. I’m not dumb, she’s been weirdly protective of me when the topic of Clay comes up. She always saves me a seat at lunch (when she’s not sitting with Freya) so I don’t have to sit next to him, and always tries to keep conversation going with me so I don’t have to talk to him.

I don’t think I could ever express how grateful I’ve been for her doing those little things.

She’s still the only person who knows everything about the night of April’s party and I want it to stay that way. I don’t want April and Faye to worry excessively about me and become my incredibly protective guard dogs instead of my best friends. It’s happened before with incidents far more minor; God knows what they’d do when they found out about what Clay did.

What we did.

“And why is that?” April wiggles her eyebrows at me as I roll my eyes. She just can’t help herself. But today it doesn’t phase me because I know today is the last time she’s ever going to be able to tease me about Clay like that.

“Because we need to talk.” I say, my voice unwavering, my gaze never leaving hers. I’m pretty sure she’s got the memo of what this talk is going to be about, because the grin slips right off her face like hot butter around a pan. The sharp inhale of breath that comes from next to me implies Mackenzie understands too, and my face flushes at the sound, though I’m not quite sure why. “And we have a project we need to start and preferably finish.”

“Well at least try and meet us afterwards.” Mackenzie says, my face failing at trying to mask my surprise. I didn’t think she’d be going with them, what with Freya trying to make sure she avoids any contact with me, both direct and indirect.

Going to Benny’s with my friends is most definitely contact with me.

“I’ll see.” I turn and say to her, trying hard to ignore the way I can feel April’s green gaze burning a giant, love heart shaped hole into the side of my head. Mackenzie’s eyes lighten as she nods at my response, her grey orbs the colour of hot ash as she looks back down at her shoes and continues to tie the laces. I scold myself in my head because I know that if she’s still at Benny’s by the time I’ve finished at Clay’s I’ll be there in a heartbeat.

I have got to get a grip.

“Anyways.” I say to nobody in particular as I stand and grab the strap of my sports bag. “Hopefully I’ll see you guys later.”

I wave at a few of the girls as I slalom between them on my way out of the changing rooms. I dig my hand around in my pockets to find my keys as I walk into the parking lot, the sun licking at my bare skin and the light initally blinding my eyes. I’ve only been inside twenty minutes, but the changing rooms don’t have any windows so it’s easy to forget how bright it is outdoors, even if it is touching on five o’clock.

I reach my car and slide inside, wiping my sweaty palms on the fabric of my shorts. I’m nervous, that much is obvious. I’m nervous about what I’m going to say and I’m nervous about how he’s going to react to it. I’m hoping he understands.

“God I hope he doesn’t hate me.” I mutter as I shove the keys in the ignition and bring the engine to life. My knuckles are white as I grip the steering wheel, turning it and forcing myself to drive to Clay’s house. I’m trying not to imagine his face, because if I think about it for too long, I almost convince myself this isn’t worth doing, that I’m being stupid. “I couldn’t live with myself if he decides to hate me.”

The minutes driving to his house seem like hours slipping through my fingers like sand in an hourglass. I can feel my heart thumping against my rib cage and beads of sweat forming in my hairline. I never get this nervous. I wasn’t even this nervous when we got to states last year. I was ‘little miss’ cool and composed, but it turns out that ‘breaking up with my boyfriend’ is an activity that turns me into a balled up nervous wreck.

I park my car on the sidewalk at the bottom of his garden because his truck and his parents sedan are taking up the driveway. I don’t sit in my car so I can’t psyche myself out, so I lock my car and walk up to his door with a steely determination, my heart set on what I’m about to do.

“Alex! We’ve not seen you round in a while!” Clay’s mom, a small and sweet woman called Sofia Ramirez, opens the door and grins widely at me before wrapping her slender arms around my frame. She looks the spitting image of Clay with her untameable dark curls and electric blue eyes, her skin dark from spending hours in the sun down at the garden centre where she works.

I hug her back whilst grinning wildly as we rock from side to side. With my parents being gone most of the time, Clay’s mom and dad quickly stepped up to the role of being substitute parents. From the moment Clay and I became friends, his parents were always inviting me around after school so I could do my homework with Clay, whilst giving them the perfect excuse to feed me so my parents didn’thave to stress about it when they came to get me. They always wanted a daughter so they spoilt me, from buying me excessive presents on my birthday to letting me pick the biggest slice of cake whenever we had dessert.

I don’t think the Ramirez’s will ever understand how grateful my parents are to them for what they did for them when I was younger.

“Is Clay in?” I ask Clay’s mom once we finally stop bear hugging one another on the front step of her house.  She steps an arms length away from me but keeps her hands firmly placed on my shoulders. “We have a project we need to get started on.”

“He’s in his room. It was lovely to see you, you need to come round more often.” His mom beams at me as she tucks a loose curl of my hair behind my ear before ushering me inside their home.”We’ve really missed you, Alex. All of us have, especially me.”

I smile, one that I know is sad, because I don’t think I’ll be coming round for a while after what I’m about to do. I’m going to miss Alvaro’s traditional Spanish cooking, coming round and celebrating all of the family’s birthdays. I’m especially going to miss Christmas in the Ramirez household. It’s always too loud, people are too drunk and the house far too full of distant relatives and screaming children.

Christmas at the Ramirez house is my favourite day in the whole year.

I slip my shoes off and place them neatly on the shoe rack atop the scattered pairs of boys trainers and walking boots. My tattered vans fit right in sat next to Clay’s old pair of Nikes with half of his sole falling off. It’s saddening that my shoes look more natural here than they do at my own home where they sit next to my mothers Valentino Garavanis and my fathers Testonis. Even my brother has started to increase the price of his tastes by a zero or two. I found a pair of spiked Louboutin trainers in his room yesterday that I can’t stand the sight of.

I walk up the stairs and follow the sound of Clay’s, uh unique, taste in music to his room, the door slightly ajar. I peer inside to see him sat at his desk, fingers dancing furiously across the keys of his laptop. His unruly hair is being held out of his face by his headband, his dark hair damp and looking black as it begins to curl at the tips.

He’s not long been out of the shower, his room smells like steam and warm soap. He’s only wearing a pair of shorts, something that I would once have found incredibly attractive; now he’s just my old best friend without a shirt on.

“Are you already working on our project?” I say as I flop down on his bed. I try and come across as normal as possible, opening my bag and pulling out my laptop. Clay lowers the volume on his radio and spins in his chair, the smallest of smirks on his face. “You’ve always been a physics nerd.”

“I enjoy sciences, sue me.” Clay retorts, crossing his arms over his chest. “You should be grateful I got almost all of our research done by myself. Turns out a guy can get a lot of homework done when he’s waiting for his girlfriend to finish at her soccer practice.”

I roll my eyes and open up my google docs to see that Clay has shared with me his essay notes. The fact he got started on this without me cuts the amount of time I have to be here by at least an hour, so there’s a high chance I can get this done and go to Benny’s and meet my friends. I have this sudden burst of inspiration, and suddenly the Big Bang theory is a piece of physics I have a lot of opinions about. Definitely enough to write a strong side to my half of our project.

“What’re you thinking about?” Clay’s familiar voice breaks me from my typing spree and I look over the top of my screen. He’s looking at me with that stupid smirk on his face, his fingers tapping against his cheek as he watches me from his desk chair. “You were typing but you weren’t even looking at your screen properly.”

“I was thinking about going to Benny’s after we’ve finished our essays.” I reply honestly, Clay sucking his bottom lip into his mouth before nodding his head, the smirk that was on his face no longer present. I can tell he’s not impressed with the fact I’m already thinking of leaving, it’s more than obvious going by the glint in his quickly dulling blue eyes. “But I think we need to talk first, don’t you?”

I let my eyes scan across his negative demeanour, from the way he’s slouching slightly to the slight pull together of his eyebrows. He knows what I’m going to say. I know he knows. He pushes himself from his chair and drops down beside me on his bed, his knee pushing my laptop away from the edge before he closes it with the softest of touches from his hand.

Now my attention can only be on him.

“I don’t think we work anymore, do we donut?” He mutters in a low voice, the tremor making his words wobble off his tongue. He places his hand over mine and he squeezes tightly, letting me turn my hand upwards so I could grip his own. I look at him and see that he’s still smiling, even though his eyes give away his pain. He laughs, wrapping his free arm round my shoulders and ruffling my hair. “Did we ever really do anything that made us more than best friends other than label it differently?”

I scoff and rest my head on his shoulder, my thumb joining the beauty marks that dust across the top of his hand. “We did sleep together, did you forget that?”

“No but you did.” Clay laughs boisterously and I glare and shove him roughly, his arm slung over my shoulder pulling me after him. I dig my fingers into his ribs and grin viciously at the sound of his painful laughter, throwing my weight on top of his and pinning his arms under my knees as I begin to repeatedly hit my index finger against his chestplate. “Alex, stop!”

“Tap out!” I laugh as I start tapping with both hands, my grin widening as he wheezes before slapping my knee with his hand. I pump my fists in the air before rolling onto the space beside him, unable to drop the smile off my face. “I’m still the reigning champ, you’ll never take my crown.”

“I let you win.” Clay pouts stubbornly, his headband round his neck, his dark hair messy and brushing against his high cheekbones. “It’s easier to let you win because then you don’t sulk for several days.”

“I don’t sulk!” I gasp, my attempt to swat his chest with my knuckles thwarted by his quick reflexes. His slender fingers wrap around my thin wrist, his thumb brushing across the skin near the bracelet he got me for Christmas last year. Our laughter dies and my mood sombers. Clay does the same and we just lie on his bed and stare at each other, our chests rising erratically with our uneven breathing. I look at his face and his soft smile, the way his blue eyes look like the lightest part of the mediterranean ocean and know that I never want this boy to disappear from my life.

I need him in my life, as my best friend, my confidant, my home away from home. I think back to every time I felt conflicted about our relationship as a couple, about Clay felt too much like my safety blanket, how everything about him felt comfortable and those fleeting moments we had together that I wanted to cling to. I realise now those feelings, those moments, are because we’re best friends, not because we’re together, and so long as Clay stays my friend, a thing we both realise we were only ever meant to be, I think he’ll always be able to give me the comfort I crave from him.

“I think we’re better off as friends.” Clay says to me, his voice holding no bitterness, his eyes showing nothing but a somber kindness. “I think we’ve known for a long time that we’re not meant to be in a relationship.”

I nod my head and look up to the ceiling, my eyes looking at all of the glow in the dark stars we stuck up when we were eleven. I can still remember we stuck up exactly one hundred and seven stars, and it took us about two hours to do it. “These last few months have sucked.”

“I know.” Clay huffs, flicking me on the chin. “We’ve fought more since the start of summer than we have our entire friendship.”

“We really do need to break up.” I say as I look away from the fading stars to look at Clay. We lock eyes and smile at each other, both of us knowing its definitely for the best. “But I’m still your donut and you’re still my Clay monster, yeah?”

“Yeah.” Clay breathes, sliding his arm under my neck and pulling me close to his body. He tucks my head under his chin and breathes heavily, the motion causing my head to rise and fall with his chest. I wrap my arm around him and squeeze tightly, kissing him gently on his neck.

“You’re now the schools most eligible bachelor, how does it feel?” I say after a few minutes of comfortable silence, giggling as I hear him groan, the sound rumbling deep within his throat. As much as it should annoy me, the thought of girls hanging off him now that he’s single, it really doesn’t. It actually makes me happy for him, knowing he’ll no doubt find someone who’s going to be capable of loving him as more than a friend.

“Don’t start with that, Alex. We’ve literally been single for two minutes.” He grumbles, looking at me with a jokingly stern look in his eyes. “Aren’t exes supposed to hate the idea of their ex moving on?”

“I don’t know, are we going to be those people?” I ask. “I don’t think I could be spiteful.”

“I don’t think I could be either.” Clay agrees, running his fingers through my ponytail over and over again, the feeling soothing.

“Will you still be my best friend, even if we’re not together?”

I hate how pathetic that sounded but Clay simply looks at me and grins, his fingers tucking my hair behind my ear before pinching my nose. I think he understands why I sounded like a whiny little child, because if I lost Clay, I’d lose my home on the weekends, and Christmas with my family.

“You’re not getting rid of me that easily.” He grins, kissing my forehead softly before standing up quickly. “Now come on, I’ll walk you out. You can still meet the girls at Benny’s if you’re quick.”

I follow him towards his front door, slipping my shoes back onto my feet and melting into the hug he gives me before he lets me out. His hug was warm, friendly, and a confirmation that we’re going to be okay, even if it isn’t right away. The realisation put a smile on my face that didn’t fall off even after I entered Benny’s. I push open the door and see that my friends are still here, sitting in one of the booths by the windows looking out over the play gym that kids play on when they come to eat. Gemma, Raven, Faye, April, Mackenzie and Faye’s friends from the cheer squad Kiera and Devon are all here, my ears growing hot at the fact that April caught me checking Kiera out that one time when Faye was showing our group the new cheer outfits. I know she’s going to do something, she can’t help herself.

There’s an open space next to Mackenzie, and a small (a very large) part of my brain is hoping she left that seat empty in case I turned up. Kiera sees me first and waves, grabbing the attention of everyone at the table, including the attention of the girl I want the most. Her grey eyes are searching my face as I grin, say hi to everyone and sit down in the only spare seat.

“So, how many ribs did Faye eat before she gave up!”

That simple sentence has everyone talking at once, from Faye arguing her case to Gemma miming spitting something out. I laugh and let my eyes scan the table, grateful to hang out with everyone all at once. I don’t see Raven and Gemma much because of Freya, and I haven’t seen Faye in a while what with soccer practice and the amount of cheer she’s had to do in order to be ready for the football game this Friday.

I think I’ll still ask Clay if I can wear his jersey, even if we aren’t together anymore. I’ve been wearing his jersey number since little leagues and I’m not about to break tradition until he’s been in a serious relationship with someone and she’s proved to me she deserves to wear it.

I’m startled from my thoughts when a hand rests on my knee. I jolt and look down, relaxing when I see the hand belongs to Mackenzie, and flush when I see April smirking at me. She must’ve seen me jump. I look to see Mackenzie studying my intently, her grey gaze piercing and giving nothing away. “How was your talk?”

She’s not giving away specifics, but I know what she wants to hear about. I boldly take her hand in mine and squeeze it, watching as a smile almost pulls at the corner of her lips. I lower my voice and lean towards her, ignoring the way she smells of a floral perume underneath her natural scent of coconut. I don’t want to broadcast that I’m single, because it really isn’t anybodys business, but I want Mackenzie to know that I’m now in a position to be shamlessly flirted with and I can now flirt back with her if the situation calls for it. “We decided we’re much better off as just friends.”

Mackenzie smiles now and squeezes my hand back, her grin almost splitting her face. Her smile is large for a fleeting moment before she sobers, like her mind has told her not to look too excited in fear she gives something away. “I’m glad you sorted things out maturely. I heard from Raven you two have always been really close.”

“He’s been my best friend since we were little and that’s how he’s going to stay.” I whisper, letting my hand stay laced with hers. I turn my head back to the conversation, as does she and I laugh as Devon launches a fry covered in sauce at Faye’s head, which she barely manages to dodge.

Neither of us let go.