Chapter 3

“Let’s break up.”

After I said the words that I did not expect to come out of my mouth, I saw that she was stunned and could not speak immediately. Her attention shifted to me, and she gaped as if trying to process what I had said. She chuckled after I said that.

“Nagbibiro ka lang, diba?” She stuttered while she said that while I tried to cool my voice and calm my posture even though I was about to give in in a few moments.

“I hope I’m not,” I said in a cold voice.

I saw the pain in her eyes and it seemed like she lost the strength to laugh and covered her mouth to prevent herself from sobbing.

I looked away when I saw her tears running down her cheeks, and I clenched my fist into a ball. I don’t want to let what I see in her eyes affect me as much as possible and I might give in, but damn. It just hurts so much to see her like this, especially because of me. I can’t stand to see her hurt, but what can I do? This is my choice! My fucking goddamn choice! Bullshit!!!

“Hindi ko aakalain na aabot tayo sa ganito kung kailan magi-isang buwan na tayo. Nakakatawa lang.” She said and laughed bitterly. I clenched my fist and tried to steady myself.

Please don’t be like that, baby. Don’t torture me. I said to myself before I decided to look at her. I saw her covering her mouth and weakly kneeling, which made me gasp.

“W-what happened to us? W-why did we suddenly become like this? Mahal kita eh, mahal na mahal kita at ramdam kong mahal mo rin ako. Mahal natin ng isa’t-isa. So, bakit? Why? Please tell me…” She said while she cried harder. While I couldn’t take it anymore and started crying too. I couldn’t. I couldn’t see her like this because I was hurting too.

Damn. Why does this so fucking hurt so damn much?!! Why?? Why does it hurt so much?!!!

I looked at her and knelt in front of her and held her face which was full of tears causing me to cry and I felt like I wanted to take back what I said but when I thought about what mom and I talked about, I tried to steady myself for her. For the person I love.

I don’t mind if I get hurt, just don’t hurt her. Just don’t hurt the girl I love so much. I’m sorry, baby…

“We-we need to stop this nonsense. W-we’re not meant for each other. We’re both women.. l-let’s just move on. You don’t deserve me.. you don’t deserve someone like me.. I’m sorry..sorry..” I said to her using my calm voice and quickly stood up while she was still on her knees and looking at me with tears in her eyes.

I can’t stand seeing her like this. I never thought we would get to this point. If it weren’t for that damn agreement-surely, we are both happy now. We are both happy. Especially since today would have been our big day, but what did I do? I hurt her. I hurt the woman I love the most. Just thinking that someone else is destined for her is already so painful.

What if I see it with my two eyes right? Fuck! Fuck this life!!!

“M-minahal mo ba talaga ako?” I looked at her using my cold expression. Because of her question, I felt like I suddenly remember our short but memorable moments together..

Did I really love her? I probably wouldn’t be crying like this if I didn’t, right? But I-I have to lie. For her safety and for the promise I made to my mom. I was about to speak when she suddenly talk.

“So, I think that’s a no.” She said as she slowly stood up. I saw that her knee was injured since she was wearing shorts paired with a red croptop that fit the shape of her body.

You still have the guts to fantasize about her, as if you didn’t hurt her, ahh? My mind was so epal that I just ignored it.

She looked at me while wiping her tears away. Before picking up the flowers, teddy bear, and chocolate that were supposed to be for me earlier. Honestly, she’s done too much to me. Just thinking about how she put up with me for not talking to her these past few weeks is so heartbreaking because she wasn’t just being nice. She’s also understanding and patient, which is one of the reasons I love her. I really love this woman so damn much, but I think… My love for her is just temporary. Temporary for us. We are not for each other. This is not the right time for us. I want to keep her forever but that forever thing is, I think a fake word. No forever. Everything separates, and this one is proof now.

“Alam ko naman sa sarili ko na umpisa palang mahal mo naman talaga ako at ramdam ko yun pero isang iglap ay ramdam kong may nagbago. N-nagbago sa feelings mo, o sabihin na nating may ibang nakalaan na diyan sa puso mo.” If you only knew. If you only knew baby ay hinding-hindi mo masasabi yan.

“You can’t answer because I’m right, right? Tama ako dib-!” I didn’t let her finish what she said and immediately cut her off.

“Yes!! Yes! I never loved you! I have never loved you!!! I don’t want to love you because you are just a toy and trash in my eyes! Do you understand?!! Huh?? I don’t want to love you because you are trash!! You are ugly!! You are so ugly and you don’t fit in someone like me—” I didn’t finish what I said because I just realized that she had sat down again where she was standing earlier and started crying while covering her ears.

“T-tama na please.. tama na—I can’t stand hearing you insult me anymore..it hurts so much. It hurts here oh..” She pointed to her heart while looking up at me and still crying, tearing my heart apart. I clenched my fists and looked up at the sky to stop the tears that were starting to fall, but I composed myself. I have to do this even though it’s against my will.

Sorry.. I’m so sorry, baby. I hope that after this, you can still forgive me.

“Get up and go home. I still have a lot of things to do-!” For the second time. I didn’t finish speaking again when she cut me off.

“I-it is him?” She looked at me. Her tired eyes filled with tears that made me look away.

“Who?” I consciously ask her. She sighed before she spoke again, using her voice crack from crying.

“A-andrew, yung lalaking palagi mong kasa—” I don’t want to do this but I have to lie.

“Yes it’s him. I just realized that’s he’s the one who made me happy, give me everything I could ask for, especially in bed, he made me satisfied. I’m happy with a man, not a woman, especially if it’s you.” After I said that, I saw the pain and betrayal of her eyes. I clenched my jaw and look away. I can’t stand seeing her like that.

“I knew it. Alam ko naman eh, nung unang kita ko palang sa kanya, na magkasama kayo. I know na may something na sa inyo. Ako lang talaga itong tanga at uto-uto na naniwala sayo na mahal mo rin ako gaya nang pagmamahal ko sayo!”  I closed my eyes and take a deep breath bago siya tinignan ng matalim at nagsalita.

“Fuck! Just stop! Stop! Stop now and I’m so tired of listening to what you have to say! Go home! We’re not together anymore! And I never feel any love nor sympathy for you!!! Just get out of my damn life!!” I’m so tired of pretending to remain strong in front of her, but deep inside of me, it is slowly killing me. After I finish what I said. I clearly see it in her eyes. Nakita ko doon ang nagdaang sakit. She seems not surprised anymore and looks at me with those tired and swallowed eyes. She laughs without humour and stands alone without my help.

“I’m not surprised anymore.. In the short time that you’ve been together, who wouldn’t fall for him? Handsome, smart, talented, rich, gentlemen, and except for being arrogant, he has everything. So who am I for an Astrid Monteverde to love, right? A trash, ugly, nerd, badoy, not rich, no tal—”What was she saying? Didn’t she know that she insulted herself? Bitch you insulted her first. My mind said but I chose to ignored it.

“Fuck! Just stop! Stop! Stop now and I’m so tired of listening to what you have to say! Go home! We’re not together anymore! And I never feel any love nor sympathy for you!!! Just get out of my damn life!!” I’m so tired of pretending to remain strong in front of her, but deep inside of me, it is slowly killing me.

I can’t take it anymore. Just a little bit more and I’ll give in or I might take back what I said to her. I’m weak. I’m always weak when it comes to her. I’ve been soft when it comes to her and I don’t want that to happen now. Not now. Not here. Not in front of her.

“If that’s what you want..then yes.. from now on. I will be out of your life..and I will never comeback to you anymore because honestly? I’m tired too. I’m so tired of this fucking love I have for you! Because honestly? Nakakapagod kang intindihin at mahalin Astrid.” It hurts. It hurts to hear those very words from her like a needle stabbing me, but who am I to complain? In the first place, it’s my fault. It’s all my damn fault, after all! I looked at her with my cold eyes and saw that she had carried the things she had brought earlier before giving them to me.

“Here. I wanted this day to be memorable and special for us but hindi yata aayon ang tadhana sa atin. Happy f-first monthsary baby. I hope your h-happy for breaking my h-heart now. At ang hiling ko lang ay sana, hindi na muling magtagpo pa ang landas nating dalawa.” She held my hand and I noticed that it was shaking before she forced me to hold it along with the teddy bear with the letters L and A stamped on it that almost break me when I look at it.

Damn it! And that’s when I realized that she was walking away from me as if she was running and I noticed that she was wiping something on her face. I want to run to her. I want to stop her from walking away. I want to hug her and tell her the words I said earlier and take them back. But I can’t. I fucking can’t! I’m a coward! A fucking bitch coward!!!

I looked up at the sky and couldn’t help but fall to my knees that might ruin my dress but I don’t care anymore and cover my mouth with my two hands to stop my sobs.

Damn it. Why does it hurt? Why does it hurt to let go of the person you love so much?!! Why?!!

“I-I LOVE YOU SO MUCH! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY! SORRY… I’M SORRY.. I’M SORRY IF I CHOOSE TO HURT YOU.. SORRY…I’M SORRY B-BABY. I HOPE YOU STILL CAN FORGIVE ME.” I shouted loudly for the last time and didn’t care about the people looking at me now.

And that night. I did nothing but cry and apologize to her over and over again even before I go to sleep.

“S-sorry. I’m sorry, baby. I hope you can forgive me.”