Chapter 13

“It’s… I… Shit. Okay. The thing is, lately, I’ve missed Becca, but it’s felt different, and I feel horrible about it, and…”

“Because I miss Becca and it doesn’t make me as sad as it used to. It doesn’t make me wish I was with her. And because…” Cal squeezed her eyes shut, “Because I miss Annie and that’s what making me sad.”

Torrey’s mouth dropped open.

“You think I’m a horrible person!” Cal flipped back onto her front.

“Quite the opposite. I’m doing a little celebratory dance in my head.”

“Really?” Cal lifted her head to look at her brother.

“What if it’s too soon? What if people think it’s too soon and if anything happens with Annie, it’s because I never really loved Becca?”

Torrey sat up, “Who would think that?”

“What the hell? Did someone say that to you?”

Tears were brimming to the surface again. Cal took a breath, “Tim Greenfeld. He’s an of-counsel at the firm. It was after the benefit where the firm was honored for its pro bono work. I invited Annie as my plus one.”

“You had a great time at that thing. You guys didn’t come home until late, and…”

“I know. But it was the next day at work. We were just shooting the shit before a meeting started… and Tim said something about how brave I was to bring a friend, knowing that people might misunderstand and think that Annie was my… I can’t remember exactly what he said, something awful, like ‘grief-fuck.”

Torrey’s mouth opened and closed several times as he tried to find a way to respond to what Cal had just said.

Cal stared at her pillow, not really knowing what to think. Tim’s words had been echoing in her head for months but Cal had not repeated them to anyone else before now. The words sounded even worse this time around. She was afraid to look at Torrey.

“Jesus, Cal,” Torrey said quietly, “I can’t believe he said that.”

Cal shrugged, “I can. Do you know how many times someone has said to me, ‘if my spouse died, I don’t think I’d ever get over it.’? So many times. I’ve also gotten, ‘if my spouse died, I’d never find a love that like again.’ It’s almost like people want to use Becca’s death as an opportunity to validate their own relationship. And if I went on a date, it’s somehow proof that whatever I had with Becca wasn’t real. So when Tim said what he said, I just figured it was a bitchy — but on point — way of reminding me that Annie is not Becca.”

Torrey sighed, “If I ever meet Tim, I’m going to break my foot off in his ass! There are very few wrong turns when it comes to grief and when it comes to love. The only person you should be concerned with is you. And Annie.”

“I’m worried the kids will freak out.”

“They are more freaked out that Annie hasn’t been coming around. Seriously. Adrian asked if you were mad at Annie,” Torrey put up his hand defensively when Cal sat up in shock, “He is fine. I told him she was spending time with her family and that you weren’t mad.”

“They might still freak out.”

“Hang on just a moment, let’s just back up the truck. You miss Annie. The kids miss Annie. Don’t you think this means that you guys should just spend some time with Annie? As soon as possible?”

Cal smiled. It was hard to argue with that logic. Then she frowned, “Doesn’t this mean that if Becca were still alive, I’d be a cheating on her?”

Cal started tearing up again, “Doesn’t this mean that if I start something up with Annie even though I haven’t stopped loving Becca… that I’m somehow proving that I have the capacity to cheat?”

Torrey shook his head immediately, “Nope. You met Annie before you guys moved to Baltimore, right?”

“So…” Torrey scratched his ear, “Did you miss her like you do now when you weren’t with her back then?”

“I didn’t think about her that way! It didn’t even cross my mind. I was with Becca!” Cal said indignantly.

Torrey pointed at Cal, “You see! It didn’t cross your mind. The Annie back then was no different from the Annie now. The only difference is the fact that you aren’t with Becca anymore. You still love Becca, but the truth is, you can’t be with Becca. Your heart knows that. Your head knows that. You’ve made room for Annie, and that’s a good thing.”

Cal’s heart clenched, “What if Annie gets sick?”

Torrey shrugged, “What if you get sick?”

“EXACTLY!” Cal balled up her fists and pressed them into her eyes.

“Do you regret the time you spent with Becca?” Torrey asked gently.

Cal shook her head, “No.”

“Ok. Why worry about Annie or yourself getting sick? You can’t control that. But you can control the choices you make, and you have a choice right now of whether or not you want Annie in your life.”

“She’s pissed at me. I screwed up with her.”

“So apologise to her.”

“What if she’s moved on?”

“You won’t know unless you ask. You’re just making up reasons to stall now, Cal. Don’t shoot yourself in the foot. Remember, she said you were ‘worth waiting for.'”

“That was before I was an idiot and hurt her,” Cal picked up her phone, and read Annie’s text again, “Torrey, I really want to see her. Like, right now.”

It felt like a seismic shift was happening in Cal’s psyche. Talking to Torrey somehow made it real. And now that it was real, the only thing Cal wanted to do was to fix things with Annie.

“Call her, Cal. Don’t text. Call her.”

Cal stared at Torrey, who gave her a reassuring and encouraging nod. Cal hit the green icon on her phone.

Annie picked up almost immediately.

“Cal!” Annie’s voice made Cal swoon. It was just one word, but it was magic.

“Got your text. Merry Christmas, Annabelle,” came Cal’s slightly tremulous reply.

“It’s good to hear your voice,” Annie said, “Did the kids have a good day?”

“Yeah — your present was a huge hit — thank you for that. I was calling because… um, I mean, are you still in Philly?”

“I ended up not going to Philly. I’m at the Grand Canyon with Alex.”

Torrey sat up, concerned.

“You’re at the Grand Canyon?” Cal repeated. Torrey smiled, relieved.

“Yeah — I’m back Thursday night. Warner, are you okay?”

“Yes — I, uh, wanted to hear your voice, and,” Cal took a deep breath, “and I miss you.”

There was a beat or two of silence before Annie replied. “I miss you too,” she said quietly.

Cal grinned, “So, I’ll see you when you get back?”

“Okay. Merry Christmas, Belle.”

“Have a good night, Callan.”

Cal’s face was split into a wide grin. Torrey gave her a hug. “I’m crashing on your couch tonight — the subway to Brooklyn is going to be chock full of drunken hipsters right now. Can I grab a spare blanket?”

“Closet. Top shelf.” Cal stared at the phone, tingling with joy.

“Thanks.” Cal went and gave him a hug, “I’m sorry I wrecked your plans for tonight.”

“I’m not sorry. I’m glad you called me.”

That night, Cal fell asleep thinking about Annie, newly free from fear of betraying Becca.

–Chapter 10: The Breakfast Visit (Several Days Later: Friday Morning)–

“These are stunning, Jess,” Annie clicked through Jess’s collection of photographs from their week in Arizona.

“It’s hard to screw up photos of the Grand Canyon. It was cold as fuck, but the setting kind of speaks for itself,” Jess’s eyes wandered over the thumbnails, “Oh — remember this little chap?” Jess double-clicked on a photo of a squirrel perched on a rock.

Annie smiled and nodded, “Yeah — wow, that zoom lens of yours is something else. Look at the detail in that photo — you can see his whiskers!”

“Provides good fodder for the city, too!” Jess disconnected the USB wire and handed her camera to Annie, “Take a look — you can read the prices on the fruit stand across the street.”

Annie grinned and picked up the camera. Adjusting the heft of the lens in her hand, she brought the camera up to her eye and looked through. “Jesus, I feel like a stalker. You really can see everything!”

Annie swept the camera up and down her street and then angled the camera out towards the avenue. “Oh, holy mother of god.”

Jess jumped up, “What?”

Annie kept Jess’s camera trained on a spot below them, “It’s Cal. She just rounded the corner two blocks down.”

“Where?” Jess grabbed the camera and tried to locate the spot Annie had aimed the lens at.

“She should be right by the deli…” Annie squinted out the window, “There, with the backpack. She’s walking towards us.”

“The only person I see walking towards us is someone in a black hat, grey coat and jeans. And a scarf covering half of his or her face. How the hell can you tell it’s Cal?”

“The black hat has a ‘C’ on it, it’s Cal’s favorite hat from law school. That scarf — grey with blue stripes — was knitted by Becca’s grandmother years and years ago. It’s Cal. She’s favors her right side when she walks. Probably due for a PT session, come to think of it.”

Jess kept her camera trained on Cal, “Oh, wait, she’s stopped walking. She’s pulled out her phone.”

“Maybe someone’s calling her?”

“No, she typed something and she’s just staring at the phone.”

Annie’s phone beeped. {Cal} How was flight back?

Jess looked up from her camera, “That was Cal texting you?”

Jess looked back into the viewfinder, “Quick, text her back, she’s just standing there.”

“Oh, right,” Annie muttered. {Annie} Smooth sailing. Just had breakfast. What are you up to?

Jess watched as Cal read Annie’s reply. Cal’s fingers tapped back a response.

{Cal} Freezing my ass off outside.

Annie chuckled. {Annie} Did your ass agree to being frozen off?

“Uh oh,” Jess handed her camera to Annie, “She put the phone in her pocket and is walking away.”

“Give it here,” Annie took a look, “I thought it was funny… where’s your sense of humor, Cal?”

Cal was, indeed, walking away. At the end of the block, Cal abruptly turned and retraced her steps.

“Hmm… She’s coming back… ” Annie reported.

“What did you text her?” Jess asked.

“I asked her what she was doing… and then I made a dumb joke about her butt.” Annie handed the camera back to Jess, “What do I do if she walks away? She calls me on Christmas to tell me she misses me… And that she wants to see me… All I want is for her to come running in here to tell me she wants to be with me. I don’t think I can deal with it if she cuts out right now…”

Jess kept her camera lens on Cal, “You are in luck. She’s walking closer now. Wow. You’re right, she does favour her right side. Good news, the phone is back out.”

{Cal} Are you at your place?

{Annie} Yes. Just finished breakfast. Why?

Annie lowered her phone, “What’s she doing now?”

Jess lowered the camera and stared at the street directly below, “Methinks gimpy is on her way up. She just walked into the lobby of this building.”

“Oh holy mother of god,” Annie repeated.

“You love her?” Jess asked.

“Make her work for it.”

“Huh?” Annie looked at Jess, puzzled; the words sounded vaguely familiar.

“You need to go into Rottweiler mode. Like when you told Alex to make me work for it after I screwed up.” Jess grinned.

Annie blushed, “Jess… I wasn’t… I didn’t mean to…”

Jess laughed, “Annie, it’s fine. Actually it led to some amazing s–” Jess turned beet red, “It all worked out in the end.”

Annie rolled her eyes, “You can say it. ‘It led to amazing sex.’ Alex told me about it… wait! Don’t freak out, she didn’t tell me all of it.” Annie shook her head as Jess hid her face in her hands, “Really, Alex was discreet. She just said it was… um, yeah, let’s just go with what you said: it all worked out in the end.”

The doorbell rang. Jess looked at Annie, “What I meant was: don’t just jump into her arms. Make sure you are both going into this with eyes wide open, okay?”

Jess gave Annie a squeeze, “I’m going to pop into the loo, and then we’ll make ourselves scarce.”

Annie nodded. She walked, as if in a trance, towards the front door. Cal had visited the apartment enough times for the doormen downstairs to let her up without calling first. Annie wished they had given her some warning.

She opened the door, “Cal! Where are the kids?”

Cal smiled wryly, “Of course that’s what you’d ask first.”

Annie felt herself start shaking. Cal was standing at the threshold of the apartment’s entrance, looking like she’d just stepped out of a Calvin Klein photo shoot. How does she manage to do that after trudging around in sub-zero temperatures?

Cal cleared her throat; Annie’s silence was jarring. “Uh,” Cal’s eyes darted around, not daring to look Annie in the eye, “The kids are home with both sets of grandparents.”

“Wow. Four on two. That’s well covered.”

“Eh. David kind of observes from a distance and my father’s half deaf, so it’s the May-and-Kathy show.” Cal heard the muffled sound of a toilet flushing. It definitely came from the bathroom attached to Annie’s room. Her stomach dropped, “Am I interrupting…?”

Annie smiled, and knew what Cal was thinking. She was going to have a little fun. She shrugged, “We just finished breakfast. I’d love to introduce you!”

Cal peered into the room and saw a striking brunette emerge from Annie’s bedroom. Cal was stunned. Oh god, I’m too late. I let this languish for too long. Someone else got there first. Cal took a breath, “Uh, it’s okay — I don’t want to hold you guys up.”

Annie saw Cal’s dejected face and felt bad immediately. “No, not at all. Come on in.”

Cal stared at the floor feeling completely numb with stupidity. Why did you wait this long, you fucking moron? She dropped her stuff by the entrance and stepped into the apartment.

“Cal, this is Jess. Jess, this is Cal,” Annie said casually.

“Lovely to meet you, Cal. Annie has told me so much about you,” Jess’s green eyes were friendly.

“Nice to meet you,” Cal shook Jess’s hand, “I didn’t mean to crash your breakfast plans.”

“Oh, you didn’t crash anything. I was just about to go see if Alex has managed to roll out of bed yet.”