Chapter 5

RAVEN

“I found myself liking women instead of men. I didn’t feel drawn to men or have interest in them. I did not find them attractive nor did I care what they think. I like women, their beauty, their way of thinking and the way I feel when I’m around a female presence I’m attracted to. I don’t feel that way with men. That’s how I know I’m a lesbian”

“But you can make yourself love men with the right devotion. The right commitment. You can love men if you just allow yourself to choose what’s right. Have you ever tried loving men?”

“You are asking if I have ever been with a guy before?. No, never been interested but I have kissed a few while I was still figuring out my sexuality”

“That’s the ones you are supposed to feel for. Some thoughts lead us to believe we…”

“How do you know you like men?” I asked the same question The all holy Mother Superior had asked me.

“I only love God”

I held back a scoff.

“How do you know you love God?. What makes you think what you feel for him is love at all?”

“It is not that I love God, but rather God who loves me. And it is this very love that draws me to him. It is this experience of being loved, not for who I am, but in spite of who I am, that has awakened my heart to love him in return. I am unworthy of his love, and yet he chooses to love me still.”

The truth is I stopped listening to her on the first line.

“How do you know it’s not just devotion and responsibility?. From what I can tell, you were born to believe in everything you just said to me. You don’t even know who you are besides a woman who serves God and nothing else. Like you firce yourselfto believe what you were told”

“You don’t even know who I am and how my faith…”

“Exactly! I don’t know you that’s why it’s so easy to judge you just based on what I have heard about nuns. Same as you telling me I think I’m a lesbian when I’m not, telling me it’s not right. What do you even know about love?. It took me a long time to figure out through self loathe, disgust in myself, fear of how I didn’t fit in the category of a perfect  men loving woman!. You don’t get to try and tell me that I should love men when you don’t know who the hell I am. Do you know what it feels like to be in love with a woman?”

I didn’t know why I kept lashing out at Mother Superior. Many people asked me these stupid questions. I had faced rejection and people throwing shade at me but It never riled me up.

Now every single word this woman was saying, seemed to burn my insides. I felt the  need to respond as if I was trying to change her mind. I came in her office after telling myself I was not going to talk back, to pretend to listen but somehow I cared about what she thought of me.

Her words, for an unknown reason had the power to get a reaction out of me.

“You chose to lead this path. I’m only here trying to save you before it’s too late. That is my task from father himself”

I opened my mouth to say something, to defend myself and who I am but I decided to not waste my breath.

“Okay”

“It’s a sin. Something that the devil tempts you to be on his side”

“Okay”

She looked up and stared in my eyes. I stared back, just waiting for her to tell me how she can define me and change me.

“So you agree with me?”

“Sure” I rested my back on the chair.

There was no need to argue. I had to calm down. This was part of being myself, unfortunately it came with the sexuality. It gave people the right to question me.

“There is a Bible in your room. I want you to read these verses..” She grabbed a pen and a paper then jotted the verses down before handing it to me. I carefully took it avoiding any weird skin contact with her.

No idea why, but I loathed the idea of being touched by someone like her.

“Thanks” I stood up.

“I know this must be hard for you Raven. The change to the right path but allow yourself to be saved from that evil mindset. It’s what the devil wants you to think so he can use you”

“I have a question.” I turned my back on.the door to face her again.

Our eyes met once again. It seemed to be all we did, stare in each other’s eyes with hatred and by the fire in her eyes, I could tell  she wouldn’t mind burning me alive if I refused to bend.

“You may ask” Her strained voice responded. I don’t know how I could tell she was already on defense. Ready to justify or oppose whatever I had to ask.

“What’s your first name?”

Her eyebrows turned up and she looked quite surprised by the simple question. She parted her lips to reply, I watched her like hawk. The fire in her eyes and the conflict in her inner self.

“Elizabeth, Sister Elizabeth” She finally responded as if it was some big secret. Wrong for her to say it.

“Elizabeth” I repeated it to myself.

But somehow it didn’t suit her. A thought came to mind that maybe she was lying about her name but her eyes held some truth yet they appeared hold something back.

It was not just her eyes that told me that. It was the way she was breathing and looking at me as if waiting for me to call her out or believe her. Without a word, she was telling me it’s not true and I was understanding the name she gave me was not truly hers.

“Should I come back after I’m done reading the verses?”

“No, sister Allita will take you to one of our Bible study sessions until three then we have a prayer called Litan at three. So shower before three. There is also a mass at 6 right after dinner.”

“Isn’t there a schedule for you to follow?”

“There is, uh Allita will give it to you”

I nodded and left without another word. Being in a room with her was suffocating. It felt like I was being choked by her judgemental eyes and all the weird pictures around her office.

I had to figure out a way to spend less time with Elisabeth and more time pretending to pray and Bible study. If I had another one if those intense conversations with her, she was surely going to end up dead.

■ ■ ■

What are some of the most annoying questions you are asked regarding your sexuality?.

Mine is:
Why don’t you just be bisexual?