Chapter 3

(Lavender is a journalist who accidentally gets assigned to interview Billie despite knowing absolutely nothing about her. Billie finds it hilarious and starts answering questions in increasingly ridiculous ways to see how long it takes Lavender to catch on.)

The first sign that something had gone terribly wrong was when Lavender was handed a pink lanyard.

She stared at it.

Then at her editor.

Then back at the pink lanyard.

“What exactly is this?”

Her editor didn’t even look up from his computer.

“Your pass.”

“For what?”

“The interview.”

Lavender frowned.

“What interview?”

Now he looked up.

“The interview I emailed you about three days ago.”

Lavender immediately knew this wasn’t good.

Three days ago she’d been drowning in deadlines, coffee, and a city council corruption story. Half her emails were still unread.

“What interview?” she repeated.

Her editor rubbed his temples.

“Billie Eilish.”

Silence.

Lavender blinked.

“Who?”

The entire newsroom froze.

Every keyboard stopped clicking.

Someone dropped a pen.

Across the room, a twenty-year-old intern looked personally offended.

“You don’t know who Billie Eilish is?” he asked.

Lavender pointed at him.

“Don’t make that face. I know important things.”

“She’s one of the biggest artists in the world.”

“Good for her.”

The intern looked seconds away from crying.

Her editor sighed.

“Just go.”

“Can I at least get a briefing?”

“Google her in the car.”

“That doesn’t sound professional.”

“Neither is asking who Billie Eilish is.”

Fair point.

—

Twenty minutes later, Lavender was sitting backstage at a massive arena with approximately seven minutes of research under her belt.

Her notes consisted of:

– Singer.
– Grammy winner.
– Green hair at some point?
– Brother named Finneas.
– Very famous.

That was it.

That was literally all she had.

The door opened.

A woman stepped inside.

Oversized clothes.

Dark hair.

Sharp blue eyes.

Lavender immediately stood.

“Billie Eilish?”

The woman smiled.

“Hopefully.”

“Wonderful.”

Billie sat across from her.

Lavender opened her notebook.

The interview began.

“So.”

“So,” Billie echoed.

Lavender glanced at her notes.

Then back at Billie.

Then back at her notes.

Billie watched this entire process unfold.

“…Billie Eilish.”

Billie raised an eyebrow.

“That’s me.”

Lavender nodded.

“Excellent.”

Billie immediately knew.

She didn’t know how.

She didn’t know why.

But she knew.

This woman had absolutely no clue who she was.

And suddenly this interview became the most interesting thing she’d done all week.

—

“What inspired your latest album?” Lavender asked.

A normal question.

A perfectly reasonable question.

Billie decided to experiment.

“The moon.”

Lavender wrote it down.

Billie blinked.

“…The moon?”

“Yes.”

Lavender nodded thoughtfully.

“What specifically about the moon?”

Billie stared.

“Oh.”

This was going to be fun.

“The mystery.”

Lavender scribbled more notes.

“Interesting.”

Billie bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself laughing.

—

“What does your creative process look like?”

Billie folded her arms.

“I disappear into the woods.”

Lavender continued writing.

“For how long?”

“Six months.”

The pen didn’t stop moving.

“Do you bring supplies?”

Billie nearly choked.

“What?”

“Food. Water. Shelter.”

“Oh.”

“Because six months is a long time.”

Billie looked away.

Her shoulders started shaking.

Lavender frowned.

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah.”

Billie coughed.

“Yeah.”

—

Five minutes later it got worse.

Much worse.

“What artists influenced you growing up?”

“A raccoon named Gregory.”

Lavender nodded.

Billie looked at the notebook.

Lavender was actually writing it.

Actually.

Writing.

It.

“Gregory?” Lavender asked.

“Yes.”

“What made his work unique?”

Billie completely lost it.

She bent forward laughing.

The sound echoed through the room.

Lavender stared.

“What?”

Billie couldn’t answer.

She physically couldn’t answer.

—

Eventually she regained control.

Barely.

“What are your biggest fears?” Lavender asked.

“Microwaves.”

The answer came immediately.

Lavender wrote it down.

Billie slapped a hand over her mouth.

“No.”

“What?”

“No way.”

“What?”

“You’re writing that.”

“You said it.”

“That doesn’t mean you should write it.”

Lavender looked genuinely confused.

“Then why did you say it?”

Billie stared at her.

For several seconds.

Then laughed even harder.

—

At this point Billie was determined to find the limit.

Surely there was one.

Surely.

“There isn’t actually just one Billie Eilish.”

Lavender looked up.

Finally.

Finally.

Billie had done it.

Except….

“What do you mean?”

Billie froze.

“I’m actually three children in a trench coat.”

Lavender waited.

Billie waited.

Lavender slowly looked down and wrote something.

Billie nearly fell out of her chair.

“No.”

“What?”

“You’re writing it.”

“You said it.”

“It was obviously a joke.”

“How was I supposed to know?”

Billie stared.

Lavender stared back.

The silence lasted three seconds.

Then both of them burst out laughing.

—

When the laughter finally died down, Lavender closed her notebook.

“Okay.”

Billie grinned.

“Okay.”

“I should probably tell you something.”

“Oh this should be good.”

Lavender sighed.

“I have absolutely no idea who you are.”

Billie blinked.

“What?”

“I know your name.”

“What?”

“I know you sing.”

“What?”

“I think you won some awards.”

“What?”

“And your brother’s name is Finneas.”

Billie stared.

Then slowly leaned back in her chair.

“No.”

“Yes.”

“No.”

“Yes.”

“You genuinely don’t know who I am?”

“I was supposed to interview the mayor today.”

Billie immediately doubled over laughing.

“Oh my God.”

“The schedules got mixed up.”

“Oh my God.”

“They handed me your file an hour ago.”

Billie had tears in her eyes.

“This is incredible.”

“I am deeply embarrassed.”

“This is the best interview I’ve ever done.”

—

After that, the interview completely changed.

Neither of them cared anymore.

Billie started asking questions instead.

“What was your first impression of me?”

Lavender considered.

“You look like you’d own at least three plants.”

Billie frowned.

“Three?”

“Minimum.”

“What kind?”

“Ones with names.”

Billie gasped.

“I do name my plants.”

Lavender pointed.

“See?”

“That’s terrifying.”

“You also look like you’d steal a traffic cone.”

Billie looked offended.

“What?”

“Not maliciously.”

“How do you steal a traffic cone maliciously?”

“I don’t know.”

Billie laughed.

“I’ve actually stolen a traffic cone.”

Lavender dropped her head onto the table.

“Of course you have.”

—

An hour later security knocked on the door to tell them they were running late.

Neither had noticed.

Lavender closed her notebook.

Billie stood.

For a second neither moved.

Then Billie smiled.

“You know what?”

“What?”

“You’re the first person who’s interviewed me without caring that I’m Billie Eilish.”

Lavender laughed.

“That’s because I didn’t know who Billie Eilish was.”

“Exactly.”

Something softened in Billie’s expression.

A small, genuine smile.

The kind people rarely saw.

“That was nice.”

Lavender smiled back.

“Yeah.”

It was.

And somewhere in a notebook sat the single most chaotic interview Billie Eilish had ever given.

Including one very important quote.

I am actually three children in a trench coat.

– Billie Eilish.