Chapter 3

“Ana! Come on.” Sasha pleaded.

Anastasia grabbed her bag and shawl. “Don’t be late,” she repeated as she strutted out without another look back at the table.

Sasha threw an arm up in frustration. “Sorry guys.” She stood up and followed Anastasia out. Sienna could see them walking past outside, Sasha arguing vociferously as Anastasia stomped ahead.

“Can I get anyone more drinks?”

Five people looked at the waiter and said, as one, “YES.”

Chapter 4: And Then Her Charmed Eye Release (Junior Year – November)

The pounding on her dorm room door was interspersed with someone twisting the door knob without success.

“I can hear you! Who is it?” Sienna shouted as she pulled yet another pair of pants out of her closet.

“It’s Erin, come on let’s go — we’re going to be late!”

Sienna rolled her eyes, unlocked her door and went back to her closet.

“Sorry it took me so long to get ready,” Erin began as she entered Sienna’s room. When she saw the destruction wrought by Sienna’s indecision, however, she smiled, “I see I shouldn’t have rushed. Uh, dude, what’s going on?”

“Something casual,” Sienna mumbled to herself, brushing her hair out of her eyes, “But not too casual…”

She pulled on a ratty button-down shirt and turned to Erin, “What do you think, too casual?”

Erin sat on the bed, “For the party? You decided to carpet-bomb your room with the contents of your closet for Alex Mak?”

“It’s a simple process of elimination…” Sienna said defensively, “Mel kept us late for practice, so I had less time to think about this than I thought I would. Help me find something to wear… Oh my god, whoever is knocking, just COME IN!”

Hannah came through the door and surveyed the scene, “… and what do we have here?”

“She’s in her ‘process’ of figuring out what to wear for Alex’s thing.”

Erin nodded, “Yeah, pretty much the whole swim team is going. Some went straight from practice. You want to come?”

Hannah shook her head. “Much as I’d like to watch Sienna wrestle this demon, I can’t. I’m going to a movie with Pete. Sienna, can I borrow those earrings that I like?”

Sienna nodded, “Go ahead. I should have guessed you guys had a date when he said he wasn’t going to Alex’s thing!” She flung yet another shirt onto the pile of rejected apparel on the floor.

Hannah looked through the small case on Sienna’s dresser, “You know you can show up in a garbage bag and most people fall over themselves to make a pass at you, right?”

Sienna kicked at the pile of clothes, “It can’t be too obvious.”

Hannah rolled her eyes, “Sienna Logan. That ship has sailed.”

“It’s not about catching her eye, Hannah,” Sienna took off the shirt, “It’s about telling her the truth… without looking foolish, and I’m going to need all the help I can get.”

“You are just going to walk up to her at the party and spill the beans?”

Sienna glared at her friend, “No… I’m going to wait until the end of the party. Until then, Erin’s going to help me act all cool and stuff, like I don’t give a fuck…”

Erin crossed her arms, a smile fighting its way to her lips, “When actually, how many fucks would you give?”

Sienna smiled dreamily, “Oh, many, many fucks… I would give an earth-shattering number of fucks…”

“I don’t get it,” Hannah said as she put the earrings on, “You spent your whole freshman year ogling her when she was your swimming captain, you spent hours upon hours of practice with her and you never said anything to her. Then, you run into her all over the place after she graduates, and you still say nothing to her. Now you want to tell her that you’ve been staggering under the weight of an enormous crush on her?”

Sienna sat down on her bed, “I’ve never said anything explicitly, but it’s not like I haven’t tried! It’s just backfired spectacularly every time.”

Sienna hugged a pillow and buried her face in it. “Freshmen year, and then last summer. I brought flowers to her room freshman year… at your suggestion, by the way. She was blasting some god-awful house music so I knocked really loudly, and a woman’s voice — probably Olivia’s — shouted, ‘Go away! We are having sex!'”

“Oh yeah. I’d forgotten about that… at least it left no room for misinterpretation!”

Sienna directed a mock smile at Hannah, “How comforting. Thanks.”

“Just for the record,” Erin piped up, “Everyone thought Olivia was horrible. No one was surprised they broke up. What happened last summer?”

Sienna blew some hair off her face, “Like everyone, I heard she had broken up with Olivia… so when I saw her at The Spotted Cat with Annie and the gang, I kinda threw myself at her. Which was super embarrassing because her new girlfriend was sitting there, watching the whole thing… and I didn’t figure it out until Jess introduced herself to me. It was mortifying.”

Erin frowned, “So maybe because of that Alex already knows that you have a thing for her?”

“Maybe. But I never apologized, or explained myself. I just need to get it off my chest. Have her tell me to go pound sand, then maybe I can move on.”

Hannah nodded and pulled two items from the mess on the floor. “These — wear these. Understated, but highly optimal for sand-pounding.”

“Good to know you have my back, H. Have a good time with Pete tonight. I’m glad he finally asked you.” Sienna put on the proffered sweater and pants, and stuffed her feet into a pair of boots.

“I asked him. I got sick of waiting. What’s up with you swimmers being shy about this kind of stuff? Thanks for the earrings. Hey, I’ve just had a thought. Have you talked to Sasha about this? Maybe this is like, standard lesbian drama.”

Sienna shook her head, “No. Remember what happened over Labor Day? I am not breaking radio silence. I don’t need to deal with another Anastasia meltdown.”

Hannah shook her head, “See? Standard lesbian drama.”

“Can’t pay me to go anywhere near it. Self-preservation or whatever. And what’s to talk about? It’s not like this thing with Alex is real. And the thing with Sydney was just a thing. None of it is real. Jesus, I am so pathetic.”

Erin shook her head, “Heartbreak Hotel. Standard college fare, I think. Character building!”

Sienna grunted with resignation, “Come on, let’s go build me some character.”

The three headed out. Sienna mulled over Hannah’s suggestion of talking to Sasha. I wouldn’t even know where to start if I were to tell Sasha any of this. I don’t even know what to make of this dream-and-or-crush thing that I’ve had for Alex. There’s no point.

Sienna paused at the dorm’s front entrance, “Has this ever happened to you? Someone who’s able to throw you for a loop like this?”

Hannah shook her head, “I’ve had crushes, but not like this. I know, sorry, not helpful. I’m going to head over to Jefferson East to meet Pete. I’ll see you later.”

Sienna and Erin continued walking towards the subway station. “If you sense that I’m about to do something stupid, please stop me.”

Erin grinned, “It’s a Friday night; most people will end up doing something stupid.”

By the time the train pulled into the Christopher Street stop, Sienna was starting to have second thoughts.

“Ok. This was a bad idea,” Sienna suddenly stopped when the two were steps away from the restaurant.

“We absolutely do not need to go in,” Erin said gently, retracting her hands into the sleeves of her coat as the early winter chill bit into her skin.

“Ok,” Sienna looped some hair behind her ear, “Let’s go somewhere else.”

Erin gently patted her friend on the back, “No problem. Where do you want to go? How about that falafel place on West 4th?”

“Hey Sienna! Hey Erin!” A mutual friend from Alex’s class came strolling up.

“Hi Jo,” Erin responded, “We were just going to grab a bite to eat.”

“You guys aren’t coming to Alex’s thing?” Jo tilted her head towards the restaurant.

Erin looked at Sienna, who shrugged and kicked at some imaginary dirt on the sidewalk.

Jo narrowed her eyes and said, perceptively, “Why don’t you just come say goodbye. You are here anyway. Takes two minutes. It might feel worse if you leave now and end up regretting it.”

Sienna nodded, blushing with embarrassment. Does everyone know about this?

Sienna, Erin, and Jo stepped into the restaurant. The maître d’ pointed them to the back, where a long table was jammed into an alcove. People were good naturedly climbing over one another — or under the table — to get around. Alex was squished into a corner, beer in hand, laughing at Annie, her best friend, who appeared to be in the middle of an animated retelling of some drama or another.

Michelle, another mutual friend, had commandeered a table nearby and waved the three over. “Food’s coming for both tables, I can’t be bothered to tetris my sizeable behind into that mess.”

“Where’s Jess?” Sienna asked as casually as she could, when she noticed that Alex’s girlfriend was not at the restaurant.

Michelle frowned, “Hm, sore subject, Sienna.”

“Trouble in paradise?” Erin shot Sienna a look.

Michelle shook her head, “Don’t really know what’s going on, except that Jess was supposed to be here… and isn’t.”

Sienna stole a look in Alex’s direction. Alex seemed happy enough. Once again, Sienna found herself wondering what strange cosmic aberration threw Alex into her imagination’s orbit. Hannah was right: Sienna was drawn to Alex but she’d never had the audacity to really get close. It was as if she knew that Alex might fade into nothing, just like her dream.

Not for the first time since knowing Alex, Sienna was relieved for the distance, and relaxed a little. The party doubled as a swim team reunion, so the satellite table was a spirited one. As the party started to wind down, Sienna stole a look over to Alex’s table.

Alex was wiped. She stretched out her leg on an empty chair and leaned back, resting her head on the wall behind her. She’d been cramped in a corner for the past couple of hours and was relieved that people were starting to say their goodnights.

“Al, we’re going to put Ian in a cab. Be right back. We can settle up then.”

Alex looked up and nodded at Annie. Ian did not look like he would wake up happy the next day, but he gamely saluted Alex before being half carried out by Annie and Jo.

Sienna saw her chance, and slid into the chair next to Alex, “Hey cappy.”

“Sienna,” Alex said warmly, “Thanks for coming.”

Alex shifted her head a little, “Almost all done.”

“Jess is stuck in the UK?” Sienna’s curiosity got the better of her.

“We’re not…” Alex winced, “…she didn’t fly over,” she finished simply.

Sienna’s heart leapt with hope. The rumors were true? Alex and Jess are on the rocks?

Alex changed the subject before Sienna could say anything, “Sorry we didn’t get to chat more earlier on. I was kind of stuck in this corner all night.”

“You were hiding from me,” Sienna teased, sounding braver than she felt.

Alex chuckled, “And why would I hide from you, Sienna?”

Sienna shrugged, “Because of what happened over the summer and…”

Alex took a sip of beer from the bottle she’d been nursing. She had an inkling that Sienna had feelings for her, and wanted to be gentle with her dismissal. “I think a lot of people would welcome your advances, Sienna…”

“Why not you?” Sienna threw caution to the wind.

Alex sat up, “Oh, Sienna, I’m sorry, I’m not…”

“Shhhhh,” Sienna put her fingers on Alex’s lips, “Hold on. Jess isn’t here. Something happened between you two, I don’t know what it is, but maybe you want to take your mind off it? Just for the night?”

Alex grasped Sienna’s hand and tactfully moved it off her lips.

Before Alex could say anything, Sienna leaned in and kissed her.

Alex’s reaction time to Sienna’s kiss was dulled by the alcohol. Alex regretted the kiss instantly and the two women broke apart. Sienna was puzzled; she had expected a surge of endorphins when their lips touched, but felt none.

They both spoke at once, “Sienna…” Alex began, searching for a way to relieve them both of the awkwardness of the moment, “I really don’t…”

“That wasn’t –” Sienna said.

“Uh, it wasn’t the big deal I thought it would be.” Sienna said, looking confused.

Alex looked a little embarrassed, “I guess that is a good thing?” She touched her own lips self-consciously.

“May I confess something?”

Alex smiled and shrugged, “Sure… I think…?”

“I’ve been having this dream where I, um, kiss someone. Someone with your appearance — so much so that I thought it was you… but just now… it wasn’t the kiss I’d been dreaming about.” Sienna felt as if some fog had lifted. Suddenly, she realized what she had attempted to do and felt like an idiot.

“Again, I guess that is a good thing?” Alex grinned.

Sienna squeezed Alex’s hand, “Yeah. Oh god Alex, I’m sorry that happened. I really shouldn’t have done that. Jesus. I wasn’t thinking straight.” Sienna stood up, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I should go, before I get hit by the stupid stick again.”

As uncomfortable as the moment was, Sienna’s heart somehow felt lighter. Alex still looked handsome as ever, but there was no tightness in Sienna’s chest as she put space between their two bodies.

Alex got up, “Okay. No, I mean, it’s okay. Sienna, you don’t need to go.”

Sienna smiled, “I know. But I should. I came by to say good-bye, and I think if I left now, I won’t completely embarrass myself. Can we chalk this up to poor alcohol intake management?”

Alex smiled back, “There’s no need, honestly. But if you insist, then we are both culpable.”

“You are too nice,” Sienna said, and then, more sincerely, “I hope it works out with Jess.” She opened her arms for a hug. Alex hugged her back, “Me too. I hope you find your kiss.”

Sienna laughed half-heartedly, “Safe travels, Alex. Come back and visit, ok?”