Chapter 41

The first time I felt rage like this was when I was seven years old and my parents wouldn’t let me take the stabilisers off my bike.

I screamed and I cried and I didn’t speak to my family for a whole week. I was so sure that I was ready to ride my bike that I attempted to take them off myself, and when I couldn’t do it, which looking back on it seems obvious as I was seven and had no idea what I was doing, I screamed and I cried some more.

I couldn’t explain why I was so angry at my dad for putting the tools away instead of helping me. I couldn’t understand why they didn’t think I was ready to ride my bike on my own. I was so infuriated I slammed my hands on the floor of the garage until I took all of the skin from my knuckles.

I couldn’t feel any pain, only pure, hot anger coursing through my little, child veins. “Why wouldn’t they just let me ride my bike?”

I begged Will to help me, but he refused, siding with my mom and dad for the first time ever. He never sided with them.

“Not this time, Alex.” He said to me as he fixed his helmet to his head. His cheeks were chubbier than they are now, his boyish dimples easier to see. “Mom and Dad know you’re not ready just yet.”

I understood a few days later the method behind what I thought was their madness. I stole my brother’s bike, a bike much too big for me, and I tried to ride it without anyone watching me.

I figured I could do it.

That was the only positive to the fact I clipped a curb and went head over handlebars, scraping my knees and slamming my head on the floor. I cut open my eyebrow and my lip, scarring my street with my screams of agony.

I felt the pain of my failure. But nobody was there to see it.

My parents were there to pick me up, my mother gently cleaning the blood off my face whilst my dad soothed my cries.

The second time was receiving that photo proving that the first of my friends was a backstabbing bîtch who liked to sleep with my boyfriend behind my back and then console me when I cried about him.

I think I’ve already explained myself regarding that situation, so I won’t bore you with the tedious details again. All I will say about the matter is that two of the people I deemed closest to me are still very, very dead to me, and they will continue to be dead to me until I grow old and less bitter.

This, seeing this, is the third and only time rage has consumed me on this scale. I don’t know what it is, but I can’t help but think that what is unfolding in front of my very eyes is the one that hurts me the most. April has been my best friend for as long as I can remember. She was the first girl I managed to become friends with, we bonded over soccer not long after I met Clay, and we’ve been inseparable since.

April knows everything about me. She knows my deepest darkest secrets – hell it seems she knew I liked girls before I did. She promised she’d keep all of my secrets to her grave, and I promised the same to her.

I don’t know what part makes me angriest. The fact she’s sleeping with my brother, or the fact she couldn’t even be bothered to tell me, or at least prewarn me about this.

Actually, no, it’s not even a case of prewarning. It’s the fact that she has told me throughout the year that I can trust her with anything, that I could trust her with my sexuality and my feelings for Mackenzie, and she wasn’t even brave enough to talk to me about her feelings for my brother.

I’m actually not mad that she’s with him. In fact, we always joked about how one day we could be sisters. No, the infuriating part of all of this is her blatant hypocrisy.

That, that is what is making me boil inside.

I feel my face drop before hardening, my fists clenched by my sides before my body works on autopilot and storms back into the living room to where my oblivious girlfriend is just sitting and waiting for me, playing on her phone.

“We’re going upstairs,” I say bluntly, grabbing her hand and hauling her up from the sofa, nearly making her drop her phone in the process. Her gaze shoots up to my face and her mouth opens as if to question why but when she catches sight of the furious tears threatening to fall from my eyes and the enraged expression on my face, she gets up with no questions asked.

“Okay.” She says, linking her hand with mine and following me quietly to my room.

I push open my door and flop onto my bed, my body feeling a variety of emotions right now that I couldn’t tell you which one was forefront in my facial expression. I wouldn’t be surprised if I looked broken.

“Shouldn’t we be downstairs waiting for your brother’s girlfriend?” Mackenzie asks quietly as she perches next to me, her voice soft.

I wish I was as clueless as Mackenzie in this situation.

“That’s the thing.” I smile bitterly, looking at Mackenzie with a sarcastic expression on my face. “You’ve already met April.”

Mackenzie’s face drops in shock, her hand tightening around mine as it eventually morphs into pity.

I hate being pitied.

I glare at my girlfriend, and she quickly realises what she’s doing, dropping the look before leaning over and placing a soft kiss against my temple. I sigh heavily and rest my head against her shoulder, relishing in the feeling of her arms snaking around my waist and pulling me closer.

“I’m sick of my friends letting me down,” I mutter quietly, my thumb ghosting over her knuckles. “I’m sick of them doing things I can’t help but find unforgivable.”

Mackenzie stays silent, and I don’t blame her. I wouldn’t know what to say if she was saying all of this to me. What advice do you give to a person in my situation? Oh, it was one little thing, just forgive them? They deserve to rot?

There is no right answer in this situation.

Eventually she speaks, her warm breath fanning across my ear. “We should go downstairs. See what she has to say.”

I sigh but agree.

“No time like the present, right?” I give her a watery smile, melting into her hands as she wipes my tears with her thumbs.

“Oh baby, don’t cry.” She kisses my eyelids softly, rubbing her fingers across my face with gentle kisses of her skin against mine as she whispers soft words of comfort. “You don’t need to cry about something like this.”

“I just feel like everyone I trusted has just spent our entire friendship lying to me.” I sob into her neck. “I have never felt so alone.”

“You’re not alone, Alex,” Mack mutters into my hair. “You will always have me. I promise.”

~•~

This is so awkward.

I hate that this thick cloud of tension hovering over the table is ruining my Christmas dinner. I wait all year for this, and sitting across from my hypocrite of a friend is making me lose my appetite.

I’m especially fuming because my brother thinks that sneaking me extra pigs in blankets is going to make me completely ice over the fact he’s sat across from me with his hand on my best friend’s knee.

Even my parents look uncomfortable with this development. I don’t think they were expecting to be sat at the table with April of all people, and they keep giving me the side eye as if to say, “Did you know about this?”

No dad, I can assure you I didn’t have a clue.

“So,” my mom coughs almost awkwardly, wiping her mouth with a napkin. “When did you become a thing?”

I scowl at April, and at least she has the decency to squirm. “Oh yes, I’d love to hear the answer to this.”

“Alex.” My brother warns, though his tone is doing really little to quell my annoyance.

“Will.” I respond sarcastically. “I am merely asking my best friend a question.”

I hate how sharp the words come out, but I feel a small sense of satisfaction when I see how much they sting. April winces like I’ve slapped her, and even Mackenzie clamps her fingers around my knee and squeezes. I cast a glance her way and her stare is blank to all those who don’t know her, but I can see exactly what she’s saying to me.

That’s enough.

I breathe heavily before dropping my attitude – but not before stabbing a roast potato with extreme aggression and forcing it into my mouth. It’s probably better to keep my mouth full so I can’t speak out and get myself into trouble.

For the next ten or so minutes, nobody speaks, my mom’s question left awkwardly unanswered as the only noises to be heard are the scrapings of cutlery and quiet, muttered conversations between each of the couples sitting at the table, myself and Mackenzie included.

“Don’t let them see how much this is affecting you, Alex.” Mackenzie mumbles between bites of turkey, her hand still gently caressing my knee under the table. It hasn’t moved since my sarcastic remarks, and I fear that if she does let go, I won’t be able to keep myself grounded anymore. I don’t think she realises how much she is helping me keep myself together at this present moment, the softest of squeezes from her hand bringing me back down from the cloud of fury swirling around in my head.

“I’m trying,” I grumble. “It’s just not every day I get blindsided like this.”

“You don’t need to act like this.” Will scowls, his knuckles white as he grips his cutlery. “You’re acting like I’ve brought home a teacher.”

My voice must’ve been louder than I realised as I’m surprised at the sound of my brother’s annoyed tone, and something in me switches. Mackenzie’s grip is no longer helping me.

So I boil over.

“No, I’m acting like you brought home my best friend.” I snap, then level my gaze towards April. “My best friend who didn’t tell me.“

“Alex, please.” April almost begs, looking apologetically around the table. “Can we talk about this somewhere else?”

I cast a side glance towards Mackenzie, to see if she’s both okay with staying at the table and if she thinks it’s a good idea. She squeezes my thigh gently and nods her head, giving me a soft smile. “I’ll be fine.”

I look at April before standing from the table and apologising quickly to my parents. “We won’t be long. We’ll be in my room, Will, just in case you think I’m going to kill her whilst we’re gone.”

Will scoffs and rolls his eyes, and I storm off to my room without even glancing back to see if April is following me. I know she is, and I hope it’s with her tail between her legs.

This is ruining my Christmas. This is my favourite day of the year, and I’m having it ruined by the fact my brother has brought my best friend home, and neither of them prewarned or told me. I huff as I sit on my bed and wait for April to slink into the room and drop into my desk chair.

It’s awkward. In our entire friendship, there has never been one awkward silence. Not one. We’ve nearly always been able to fill the quiet with laughter or deep conversation, and when it has been silent, it’s never ever been awkward. It’s always been comfortable, knowing that the other is there if we needed to talk about something, but it was never forced.

“Well?” I clear my throat once we’ve sat in awkward silence for around five minutes, neither of us really knowing how to start this conversation. “Are you going to explain?”

“Alex, I’m sorry.” April pleads, her eyes watering with upset. Usually, this would make me feel guilty, but I feel so betrayed by all the sneaking around and elusiveness that it isn’t bothering me in the slightest. I want her to feel guilty. “We didn’t mean for any of it to happen.”

“So the college guy from Texas you told us all about.” I ignore her apology bluntly. “Was he real?”

“No.” April chews her bottom lip guiltily. “I was with Will.”

I roll my eyes in a style similar to season 2 of Euphoria Maddie before she went for Cassie, rolling my tongue across my teeth. “That was nearly two months ago.”

“I know, and I wanted to tell you. I just didn’t know how.”

“But you had no problem making me feel bad about not admitting to you that I liked girls and had feelings for Mackenzie.” I hiss, my anger starting to rise. “So it’s fine for you to sit on how you feel and work out the best time to tell me you’re dating my brother, but when I have to tell you something, I’m made to feel guilty it took too long!”

“Alex, lower your voice,” April begs, her eyes flitting to the door. “Can we just talk this through?”

“Don’t tell me to calm down,” I shout, my composure finally snapping. “Don’t tell me to calm down when you’re sitting here on top of your world’s biggest hypocrite podium, talking down to me like what you did isn’t way worse than the way I’m reacting.”

“I’ve said I’m sorry!” April cries as she wipes furiously at a stray tear. “What more do you want me to say? I’m sorry that I’m with your brother and I didn’t tell you! I’m sorry that I’ve been a hypocrite, and I’m sorry about pressuring you to come out to me and Faye.”

“Don’t talk to me about Faye.” I spit coldly, my blood running cold in my veins at the mention of her. “Don’t remind me that I had two shítty people for best friends.”

“Wait, what?” April looks at me with what looks like genuine confusion. “What has Faye done?”

I chuckle humorlessly. “Don’t act like you didn’t know she was fvcking Clay behind my back. You sent me a photo proving it!”

“Alex,” April says lowly, shock covering all of her features. “I have no idea what you’re talking about? Faye and Clay slept together?”

I blink, my anger suddenly dissipating as quickly as it had risen. “Well I’m assuming they did. You didn’t know?”

I pull my phone out of my pocket and open up the photo she sent me when I was skiing, and zoom in on the area behind us to where they’re pressed against a tree. I cringe as I look at it again, the image only just having disappeared from being burned onto my eyelids. I cast a side glance in April’s direction to see her just as furious as I first was, her eyebrows creased and her mouth dropped open.

“Alex, I swear I didn’t know.” She says angrily. “I only sent the photo because it came up in my memories. God, I’m furious with her.”

“Backstabbing bítch,” I mutter, slipping my phone into my pocket. “I can’t believe she sat here playing with my hair when I cried after we broke up the first time in summer.”

The conversation halts, and we both kind of look at each other like we don’t know what to say. I really wish that I wasn’t as stubborn as I am because maybe I’d be capable of forgiving April right now.

All I want to do is laugh with her like old times, to sit and bîtch about Faye and how she’s let me down. I want to confide in her about how I’m feeling and get advice from my best friend.

But I just can’t seem to let it go.

“I still don’t know how I feel about this,” I say quietly when the silence gets too much. There’s no point in withholding honesty in this situation. I feel tears prick my eyes when I see April swallow harshly, her face baring her emotions to me. I don’t think she expected me to let this go, but I can see the hurt splash across her face.

“I get it,” April answers softly, her bottom lip caught between her teeth before it starts to wobble. “I hate it but I get it. I really am sorry, Alex.”

“Yeah.” I sigh, clasping my hands together in a way of keeping my composure. “Me too.”

~•~

We went back downstairs and dinner was much more amicable, though subdued. We didn’t really look at each other for the rest of the meal, though I cut out the snipes and jabs that I had been making before.

Will kept sending the pair of us looks mixed with confusion and suspicion, as did Mackenzie. I can tell they’re both dying to ask what we spoke about and why we’ve come back so quiet.

After dinner was finished, Mackenzie and I offered to clean up, whereas April and Will announced they were going to go for a walk. I think my parents were slightly relieved that we weren’t going to be staying under the same roof, and they both didn’t really seem like they knew how to handle the divide between their kids.

I could never blame them for not wanting to pick sides. I would never ask them to. But the atmosphere had been heavy since we came back downstairs, and I think meeting their children’s respective partners on the same night, plus the argument, was probably a bit too much for them to handle.

“So,” Mackenzie clears her throat slightly, casting a small glance my way as she passes me a plate to dry. “You wanna tell me what happened?”

I sigh softly as I place the plate back into the cupboard. “There was a lot of shouting.”

“I heard.” Mackenzie chuckles, smiling widely as I swat her with my dish towel. She leans in and kisses me quickly on the cheek before passing me another plate. “Sorry! Go on. What else happened?”

“We argued. I explained why I was so mad, she listened and apologised. I don’t think she realised I was more upset at the fact she pushed me to come out and tell her about us, when she was hiding something from me too, than the fact she’s with my brother.”

Mackenzie dries her hands quickly before sliding behind me, wrapping her arms around my waist. I lavish in the feeling of her arms tightening around me and I can’t help but lean back and rest my head against her chest, loving it even more when I feel her grip tighten. My girlfriend peppers soft kisses behind my ear, and I sigh in contentment, tilting my head so that she can kiss me softly on the lips.

“What else?”

“I don’t know,” I mumble. “She didn’t know about Faye and was angry about that, but now we’re in this limbo where I don’t think either of us knows where to go.”

“You’ll work it out,” Mackenzie says. “You’ve got everything out in the open now, and with time you’ll get back to how it used to be.”

She’s always so sure, it’s comforting.

We continue to clean up in a comfortable silence, Mackenzie stealing occasional kisses, and I happily let her take them. With every touch, I feel my mood lifting, my eyes brightening, my laughter less strained. Mackenzie has that effect on me. My Christmas is starting to feel like all those before that I have loved, and it’s all because of her. Well, not all because of her because I am surrounded by my family that I rarely get to see, and the food and the presents help too.

I have a lot to be thankful for, especially today, and I think that’s why Christmas is so important to me. My family means everything, and having them all under one roof for 24 hours is my favourite part of the holiday. My family has missed games, birthdays, the first half of Will’s graduation. But they have never missed Christmas.

I think that’s why today is so important to me. It’s the one day a year I feel like I have a family.

“Hi, girls.” I hear my dad’s voice sound from the kitchen door, and I turn to look at him. “Your Mom and I are heading over to church for their evening sermon. I don’t know when Will is going to be back, so you’re welcome to come with us if you want.”

I scream internally. My parents are leaving me home alone with my girlfriend, who they’ve already agreed is allowed to stay over. I keep my face as blank as I can, which is hard when I feel Mackenzie dig her nails into my arm behind my back.

“I think we’ll stay,” I say, ignoring the slight shake in my voice. “You know the evening sermons are more tailored to adults and hardcore Christians like you two.”

My dad almost smirks at my answer, but I walk over to him to hug him, smiling as he ruffles my hair under his paw-like hands. It always marvels me that he can have such skill when it comes to surgery when his hands are so large. He smells like his typical cologne mixed with the bourbon he’s been sipping on since the end of dinner. My mother never drinks until after she comes back from church, so she’ll no doubt be driving.

My dad has joked before that he needs to be buzzed to sit through the two-hour evening sermon, but we all know that he would do anything to spend time with my mom, even if it required him to be lit on fire or sit in a cave full of spiders. If he knew my mom was going to be there and enjoying herself, he would do it in a heartbeat. I hope that I get to experience what being in love for nearly 30 years feels like. They never sacrificed their careers, they never had to prioritise one or the other. They met in college and things just fell into place for them perfectly. They respected each other’s paths in life and still continued to love and support each other.

A large part of me wants my life with Mackenzie to be like that. I know I love her, that much is true. I just hope one day when I have the balls to tell her, she’ll tell me she loves me too.

“Right.” My dad says as he slowly untangles himself from me. “We’ll be back around ten-ish. There’s dessert in the fridge.”

And then we were left alone. It reminded me that I still had one gift left to give my girlfriend for Christmas. I hadn’t really been in the mood before, not after witnessing my brother shove his tongue down my best friend’s throat, but now that my mood has lifted, I think now is as good a time as any to give it to her.

Just not too quickly.

We finish up the washing up, the room heavy with the slightest of tension. Every time my fingers brush against Mack’s, I feel electricity shoot up my arm, making my skin feel hot. I find my hands shaking as I try to dry each dish, my face burning when I see Mackenzie’s ever-so-slight smirk out of the corner of my eye.

“Dessert?” I cough out slightly when I finish putting the last plate away. I watch Mackenzie’s smirk broaden, and I mentally slap myself for the nerves settling in my stomach. “Do you want dessert?”

“Maybe later,” Mackenzie mumbles, stepping closer to me so that I’m almost backed into the counter. “I think I’m hungry for something else, though.”

“Oh?” I mumble, her nose gently brushing against mine with the proximity. My hands tighten around the marble countertop as her fingers trail down my arm, leaving a burning trail in their wake. “Anything in particular?”

Mack’s smile is wolfish as she leans in and presses her tongue to the underside of my jaw, leaving searing hot kisses up towards my ear. I close my eyes involuntarily, savouring each kiss, each touch, each sigh that leaves her mouth. I feel my stomach tighten as she settles between my legs, her arms cupping behind my thighs in order to lift me onto the counter.

I happily obliged, gripping her chin with my hand and finally guiding her lips to mine. She tastes sweet, like the Bailey’s we’ve both been drinking, and her hair smells like her signature coconut and vanilla. Her kiss lights a fire in my chest and makes my head feel dizzy as she consumes me.

I crave her.

I crave her touch, her presence, her kiss. I hook my feet around her legs, my body begging for hers to be closer than it possibly could be. Every time I kiss Mackenzie, I feel every nerve-ending burn like they’re alight. My skin pleads for her touch, her scent intoxicating me till I feel drunk off her.

“I have one more present for you.” I gasp out the words like I’m struggling for air, my mind distracted when I feel her hum against my pulse point, the feeling causing goosebumps to rise on my flesh. “It’s upstairs.”

“Oh?” She questions absently, her teeth grazing against my throat. “What is it?”

“Come and find out.” I chuckle, gripping her chin in my hand and guiding her gaze to my own. Her eyes are dark like the sky before thunder, her lips just as swollen as mine feel. Mackenzie smiles before stepping away, allowing me enough space to hop down from the counter, my weak legs needing a second to come around.

Mackenzie notices but does nothing but bite her lip, no doubt to hide a smug smile she’s refraining from showing me.

I take her hand and lead her upstairs.

My nerves are starting to take hold, the confident facade I was showing downstairs wavering as we near my room. I hope that Mack can’t tell but my hands are starting to sweat, and I find myself wiping my free hand on my dress.

I left my bedroom light on when I went upstairs with April hours before, my bedside lamp casting a warm glow on a room Mack’s been in so many times before. She’s even started to leave things here. She has a few pairs of shorts in my drawer, and I noticed a couple of her t-shirts in my wash basket when I did laundry a few days ago.

“Sit,” I mutter as I push her down onto the edge of my bed before backing away towards my bathroom. Her present is in a bag under my sink – I had to hide it because I didn’t want my Mom to find it on one of her cleaning sprees, and I definitely did not want to have a conversation about why I had it. “I’ll be a minute. I left your pyjamas on my pillow if you want to change out of your dress.”

I walk into the bathroom and shut the door, quickly throwing my clothes into a pile by my shower and pulling on the lingerie I bought before I change my mind and wuss out of what I’m planning to do.

I observe myself in the mirror once I’m finished, and I can’t help but nod my head in approval. I saw a set of naughty Mrs. Claus lingerie online a few weeks ago when I was shopping, and I couldn’t help myself and bought it when I thought about how I could surprise Mackenzie with it.

It’s as skimpy as I’m sure you’re imagining, with thin black stockings that clip to my underwear. It exposes my toned stomach, and the white fluff stuck to the bra is making my skin tickle. I blow out a nervous breath as I pull on the matching santa hat, hoping it doesn’t make the rest of the ensemble look stupid.

I hope Mackenzie doesn’t find this stupid.

I walk out of the bathroom just as Mackenzie finishes pulling her shirt over her head, my eyes zoning in on the fact I can quite clearly see she’s not wearing a bra. I speak up before I completely lose my nerve and run back into the bathroom and get changed and then hatch an excuse that I left her present in the car or something else stupid.

“Merry Christmas, Mack.”

She turns around at the sound of my voice, and her gaze makes me feel vulnerable. It makes me feel naked. I love the way she looks at me, like I’m the most beautiful creature to ever walk the face of the earth Like I’m the only one who deserves her attention.

“God, Alex.” She breathes as she drinks me in, her eyes sweeping across me over and over again like she doesn’t know where to focus. “You…”

“I?” I question teasingly, my confidence growing at the realisation that, for the first time in a long time, I have the upper hand. “I what?”

“You look breathtaking.” She mumbles as she walks towards me, her fingertips tracing my legs just below the skirt of my underwear. “Is this my present?”

“Yes.” I start, biting my lip. “This and the fact I want you to take it off me.”

For the first time in the entirety of knowing her, I have rendered Mackenzie Daniels speechless.

I take her hands in my own as I kiss her softly, revelling in the way she kisses me so delicately and tenderly before I pull away.

“I may not remember my first time, Mack, but…” I pause, the words catching in my throat as my cheeks flame with my embarrassment. “But I love you, and I want you to be the first time that I deserved.”

Her eyes widen, and after a few seconds, I start to get nervous at the fact she isn’t speaking to me, my confidence starting to drain and awkwardness kicking in. I look away and start to pull out of her grip until I feel her hands tighten around mine.

“You love me?”

Her voice is so quiet that if we weren’t the only two in the room, I may not have caught it. But I did. I look at her and see the broad grin on her face, her smile so wide it nearly reaches the tips of her ears.

“How could I not,” I admit. “You’re funny, kind, beautiful, and I’ve never been treated like this in my life. You treat me like I’m the only person that matters to you. I love when I’m around you, and I crave you every second that you’re not here. Of course I love you, Mackenzie.”

Mackenzie’s arms loop around my bare waist as she pulls me flush to her body, her nose brushing affectionately against my own. “Say it one more time.”

I laugh and rest my forehead against hers, closing my eyes. “I love you.”

“And I love you.” She mumbles before pulling me in for a searing kiss that I feel in my toes, making them curl around the soft rug beneath them. “God, Alex, I am so in love with you that I’m sure every time I’ve convinced myself I’m in love before, I’ve been lying.”

“You mean it?”

“I could never lie to you. But are you sure that this is what you want, that I’m who you want? I can wait for whenever you’re ready, it doesn’t have to be now.”

“But I want it to be,” I say determinedly, cupping her cheek in my palm. “I promise you that I want this, okay?”

Mackenzie smiles before picking me up like I weigh nothing, my legs wrapping around her waist. She kisses me with such intensity it’s like she’s trying to prove without words that she loves me.

And now I know that she does, it makes what happens next that so much better.

~•~

Hey guys!

I hope everyone had a good new year! I’m sorry this chapter has taken so long to write, but I really wanted to make sure that I got it right!! I want to say another massive thank you to Jade aka Pinksterr12, for editing my chapter for me. If you haven’t already, go check out her works, one of my all time favourite books on Wattpad, COMFY CLOSETS, is written by her!

So? What did you guys think? Was it worth the wait?

I will prewarn all of you now that I won’t be writing any smut to continue this chapter. I physically can’t write it hahahah so as much as I hate to disappoint you but this is all you’re getting!!

Don’t forget to leave a like and a comment letting me know what you all thought!

Till next time, 

Lauryn xoxo