Chapter 19

Sharini and Sheetal were the last to bid goodbye to the couple. Leela seemed like a sleepy kitten waiting to hit the bed, leaning against Ashok’s arm as the two stood at their balcony, waving at the two girls, before retreating into their warm house of love, lost in each other’s embrace.

Sharini handed Sheetal her helmet and pulled out her scooter from the parking. Carrying both their handbags, she struggled to clip it. “Let me”, Sharini said, as she reached out, gently pushing her hands away and clipping the strap beneath her chin. Their eyes met for a brief moment, before Sharini broke it, quickly masking herself with a nonchalant smile.

No words were exchanged as Sheetal climbed behind, legs on either side. Now that it was just the two of them, the emotions from the past days came rushing back, making Sheetal put a noticeable distance between them as she sat behind. Both of them felt it, hyperaware of the gap, but none uttered a word.

The scooter grumbled to life, struggling to pull with it the two heavy hearts it carried, as they rode into the silence of the cool and tranquil night.

Sharini was a mess.

This distance between them, she knew that she created it. And somehow, she tried to believe that it was necessary – the only way to protect whatever little piece of herself she hadn’t handed over yet. But with every passing minute, it felt like her thoughts were unraveling the justification, to something else deep within her.

She had always been the one to fix things. Even those that she didn’t break. Even if it means to break herself a little. And tonight, as Sheetal sat behind her after what felt like ages, silent and careful, she felt the weight of her own actions pressing harder than any words could.

A part of her was screaming – fluttering, desperate – like a bird against a tight cage, her heart struggled, trying to reach Sheetal again. To say something stupid. To tease her. To hold her hands while crossing the street. To drop her at the office every morning, listening to her blabber about today’s topic for her show.

To do anything that would make it easy again. Normal again. Before everything changed.

Just laugh with me again. Just act like nothing ever happened and maybe, it won’t hurt that much.

Because, if she was being honest, the confession had cracked her too. Not just the heartbreak that followed, but the way it made Sheetal retreat. Second-guess. Cautious. Disappear behind awkward silences. This was never them before.

Of course, Sharini was hurt by the rejection.

But didn’t I expect this? When I wanted to tell her about my feelings, did I not expect her to be completely disgusted by the idea and hate me?

Shouldn’t I be happy that she actually harbours similar feelings for me?

You could have, if she would just accept it. 
But no, she wants to stick with some fears and blame it on you. 

Don’t I have those fears too?
It took me time to think past those.
Then, why am I punishing her?
Pushing her to choose, make a decision, when I know fully well how difficult it is for her?

You are not, you gave her the space to choose.
You gave her the chance to move on.
She’s the one being difficult.
What’s wrong with her?

What is wrong with me?
How can I just dump my emotions on her and expect her to move on?

That’s not your fault.
You did what you did because of the way she reacted.
She kept pushing and pulling at the same time.
You had to protect yourself.

Am I protecting my emotions, or am I killing our friendship?

What Sharini realised during the games, was that, maybe, she can actually stop guarding herself too much, and let their friendship breathe a little. This whole wall that she built, is probably blocking the friend Sheetal as well from reaching her. And she felt cruel to put Sheetal through this.

God, relationships are too difficult… even when I’m not in one.

She was in a turmoil with her own thoughts, about whether she was saving herself from being hurt, or putting Sheetal through a path of thorns and stones, in the process.

What she didn’t know, was, Sheetal’s mind was in no better place.

Sharini was so lost in thought, she didn’t realise that Sheetal had moved closer, until her one hand came gripping on her shoulder and the other glided across her waist. Sharini had been mindlessly driving through puddles of water, the bumpy road pushing Sheetal forward, as if its purpose was to close the gap between the two.

Sheetal quickly adjusted herself on the seat again to move back a little, but her hands remained.

The roads were getting quieter by the minute, except for the distant auto honking, and the occasional barks of dogs darting across the street. 

“Sharini”, Sheetal spoke, tone hesitant, as she squeezed her hand on the other’s shoulder a little. Sharini threw a quick glance to the hand and turned back to the road. 

“Huh?”

“I want to talk about something.”

“Okay. What is it?”, Sharini asked, as she slowed down the scooter, trying to stop by the side of the road. 

“Please don’t stop”, Sheetal rushed to speak. “Keep going.” I’m afraid I won’t be able to speak if I look into your eyes, she thought. 

“You don’t have to say anything. Just, please listen to me.” She said, and rested her head on the teacher’s shoulder. 

“There’s this girl I talk to, everyday.”

“She’s always been there. Since, I don’t know… I guess since I knew how to notice people.”

“She’s…. she—Jesus, where do I even start? She was this tiny little girl with a coconut tree like ponytail on her head when I first met her.” 

“She’s intriguing. She has a habit of watching the rain sitting inside an auto. She has a weird obsession with scented rubbers. I remember taking one of those from her in sixth standard and she glared at me like I stole her kidney.”

“She’s always giving. She was the teen who was a part of every friend group in school, but stuck with me during field trips because I couldn’t mingle. She was the girl who hated morning lectures, but still woke me up for mine every single time.”

Sharini chortled. A single huff of breath. Silent, a tender smile gracing her face as she recalled those memories. 

“I once borrowed her table tennis ball, and accidentally broke it. She glared at me for three days straight until I bought three new ones to replace it.”

‘It wasn’t three days”, Sharini mumbled under her breath. 

“See! She still keeps track.” Sheetal smiled, resting her cheek on Sharini’s back. 

“In college, she’d bring extra idlis because she knew I’d skip breakfast and then faint in the heat. She was the first person I called when I messed up my first podcast. The first to hear my pilot, and still the only one who said it sounded like me.”

Sharini slowed down on one of the speed bumps, Sheetal instinctively tightening her hand around her waist. 

“She’s smart. Brave. And really annoying. Cries at dog videos but calls me the emotional one.” 

“She knows the way I like my tea. That I can’t sleep without a fan in full speed but will bundle up with 2 bedsheets. That I hate coriander on my food, but love the smell of it when its being chopped.”

“She’s the one who taught me how to ride a cycle. The one who helped me choose my convocation saree. The one who held me when I was rejected after my first interview. The one who bought me buns from the canteen with a matchstick for my birthday. She’s the Chauffeur Royale to my Passenger Princess.” 

Sheetal paused, and exhaled. 

“And somehow, I still managed to hurt her.”

“I think of her all the time. I used to send her some random memes or songs. She would either ignore me or send me something sarcastic. I miss that.”

“I miss her. I miss us.”

“I said things to her that I can’t unsay. And I’ve been trying to talk to her ever since. Every day. Every night. In my head.”

“I just….” she sighed, swallowing the growing pain in her throat, “I don’t even know who I am, Sharini. I don’t know what I want. I haven’t even thought about this… this… version of me. I don’t have a neat little label. Sometimes I think I’m broken. Sometimes I think I’m just scared.  You know I’ve never been with anyone. Never even imagined it. Never had any crushes, nothing of that sort.”

“And then there was you. Just you. Always you. The way I feel when I’m around you, everything started to change even without me realising it. One day I wake up, and suddenly my whole world has narrowed into just your face. Your smile. It felt like falling off a cliff and flying at the same time.”

The traffic lights turned green, and Sharini continued driving in silence, all the while, a hundred emotions swirled through her.

“I don’t know if I would ever be able to show you how sorry I am for everything that I said. On the beach. Over the phone call. All of it. I wish I could say I was strong enough to own it. But.. I’m wasn’t. And I still am very afraid of a lot of things like society, family, friends.” Her voice softened.

“But you know what scared me more? Your silence.”

Sharini’s grip on the handlebar tightened, a shiver passed through her. 

“The mornings without your tea, the way you won’t look at me. The way you were there but you weren’t, sethutan di”.

Sharini’s vision blurred. She barely managed to make the turn into their street. They were close to home. By now, Sheetal had pulled herself incredibly closer, pressing herself into the teacher’s back, as if hoping to be absorbed by the latter. Her body rocked softly, Sharini felt wetness seep into her back through the fabric from where Sheetal buried her face.

She bit back a sob as she continued to speak.

“I don’t really know if I’m ready for anything. But I know that I want to try – whatever this is, whatever we could be. Even if I don’t have the right name for it. Even if I’m scared. Even if I mess up. I want to work on it. I don’t want to wake up ten years from now, wondering what would have happened if I just tried – if I just reached out and held your hand tight. I want… a chance. To figure it out. With you. Please.”

Sheetal had her eyes shut. The scooter entered the apartment gates and stopped in front of their block. Once the ignition was turned off, Sheetal came to her senses, and moved away. Sharini instantly missed the warmth, but we won’t talk about that. 

It was silence again, as Sheetal stood by the side, waiting, not know what more to do or say. While Sharini didn’t as much spare a glance. She put both the helmets under the seat, locked the vehicle and started speed walking towards their block. 

In the middle of the stairs, she halted and turned – “That girl you used to talk to every day….”, she said softly, avoiding the shorter girl’s eyes, 

“She missed you too.”